Woooo! Catch up round!
That's right! A 6-in-1 free fer-all bananza! I shall catch up! Good luck scrolling through all this!
My spirit is unbreakable!
I read up to here:
By the time the last movie ended, Atlas had fallen in love with the fantastical world of Harry Potter and the magical creatures in Fantastic Beasts even thought he also realized that the world was far more dangerous than the life on an automated farm. At least if one were to meddle around the main characters of the story.
Why did I stop here? Because I don't love fanfiction so much! And I'm not super into Harry Potter especially! "But OatMush," I hear you ask, "Why did you read 3 chapters then?" it's because you're a damn good writer. I'm not your target audience, but bejabbers I wish I was! I was hooked bad by your first two chapters, and it was quite sad when the dawning realisation of it not being something I was interested in kind of stunk! Boo! You should write to please me and me specifically!
Just kidding of course! I hope you have fun continuing to write what ever your heart desires! Here's some nitpicks:
1 - "charakters"
Is this a typo? You use it three times so if it's purposeful please ignore
2 - hmm, I'm actually coming up kind of blank, I was just scrolling through again looking for nitpicks and couldn't find any! So good job!
3 - I'm not a huge fan of your summary, it's very long so I didn't read, which is a shame because it would of warned me about being a fanfiction! But that's just me being dumb and not reading tags! But I do think your summary could be shorter. But maybe not!
So overall! Submit something to me that's not HP fanfiction and I'll probably like it! Keep'a trucking! Have fun!
(Also if anyone else wanting to submit reads this, please bare in mind I'm on mobile, so I can't see your signature, I will edit the main post too.)
Wooah boy! Slow down with them there notes! I'm not following no rules! I read as if I walked in off the home page! No cheating with special instructions!
Ehhhhhh whatever I'll follow your instructions. as a favor, but don't get used to it! It ain't organic!
Wait one second, this is in my reading list! I think I clicked in off the homepage ages ago and didn't even notice! So good job with the cover, it stands out in a sea of air anime waifus and edgelords!
But I didn't read it then, so let us begin:
Chapter 1
Ok, I don't love this. The description of the temple is good, but I can't follow along with what's happening! Who's speaking? You only mention one character so in my head there was only one person speaking, and then I got confused and had to reread the dialogue when I finally realised there were two people speaking. And which one was wearing the silver cloak? So in an organic reading, I would not have passed the first chapter.
Remember the point of this thread is about when/why I stopped reading. But this submission is unholy! So let's go full Frankenstein and skip to chapter 11!
Chapter 11
I think! Your chapter numbers confused me! This one's labelled number 11, so here I start.
Ok! I finished the chapter! I will let this remain in my reading list! It seems pretty good.
I'm not really sure what to do here... I've broken my own format and am left stumbling in the dark.... I don't really have any nitpicks either, your writing is very competent and if there's any mistakes I didn't notice. So here's what I liked!:
1 - I like your explanation of the capital, you keep it short and sweet and still gives me a good idea of the vibe.
2 - Dog!
3 - the description of Ms Pinstripe, I like the line "Poor mistress is struggling. Her grin is stretched and bit forced and unnatural." I think this introduces her character quite well. Although I notice now there maybe should be an 'a' in the second sentence, but I didn't even notice it the first time round so no biggie. Might even be purposeful!
Well! That's all the time you get ya stinkin' cheat! I think your first chapter kinda sucks! Which is a shame because it seems you do know how to write, you just have a really confusing first chapter in my opinion! But who cares! Keep it up champ!
Have no fear! Remember this is just the opinion of some dude! Even if I don't like something, there aren't any consequences!
I stopped in the second chapter here:
The students in Jon’s class dispersed into the room and he looked around, scanning the groups of kids sitting across the floor of the auditorium.
This is another one where I'm really not your target audience! I'm a 20-something guy living in Australia! I was unsure if I'd be interested in the plot from the summary, and yeah, I don't really care for the American middle school setting. Your writing seems competent, there were no typos or whatnot that I noticed at least, so I'll skip the nitpicks and get to the things I didn't like in what I've read:
1 - Why are you talking about a bird to start with? Maybe it has metaphorical significance, or even plot significance, but I don't really care for it. There's no hook for me, maybe for your target audience there will be, but not for me.
2 - Then, in the second chapter, there's still no hook. Remember there are 1000s of stories on this site, if you don't grab my attention with something quick, I'll move on.
So you obviously can write quite well. It's just not what I'm interested in. I'm curious how much success you'll find here, I think SH is more light novel type anime stuff. Personally I'm here for adventure and fantasy mostly. But best of luck finding your audience though! And remember, always have fun!
'alright bruv
Ok so! I got turned away by the tags "girls love", "yandere" and "harem", these aren't my thing really, I might try something if it contains the first two on a whim, but "harem" is a bit of a deal breaker for this reader. But! For the sake of giving more meaningful opinion, I read a bit of your first chapter! Just a few paragraphs though, here's my nitpicks!
1 - 'This headache man. It's constant....and the off-brand mean girls in the back aren't helping it.'
On my second reading I realised this was probably internal monologue, but it confused me the first time because I didn't know who she was speaking too. But this is probably just me being dumb! But this section isn't called nitpicks for 'nothin!
2 - 'I'm saving up for college.' Expect the award.
I don't know what this means, the full stop and capital 'E' isn't helping. I think it means 'I'm saving up for college' award. But I'm not sure.
Well that's what I've got from what I've read! It seems pretty good, just not for me! Keep going though! Have fun!
Intermission!
Hoo Boi I need a break, having a glass of water and a ciggy... Stay hydrated folks! (but maybe don't smoke.)
Rejuvenation complete! Lettuce continue!
Thankyou! Let's throw the dice buckeroo!
Kore Foundation: F-Grade Beastmen World
Ok! I read to chapter 4! It seems pretty good! The premise seems interesting and your writing is quite good! 5*! I like that you've made the system a flawed character in their own right, and the world seems fairly interesting! Here's some nitpicks:
1 - Kore Foundation: F-Grade Beastmen World
I don't really like the title, it tells me nothing about your story other than "it's an isekai", feels generic
2 - This transmigration bullsh*t was f*cked.
Gee w*llikers! I don't think you need to sensor your profanity. We swear like men here!
3 - Ist this an RPG, or what?
Just a typo.
4 - So, the System had heard her scolding earlier..., well, she couldn't take them back now and she still meant them so...
'...I'm sorry.'
The System apologized once more.
I misinterpreted who was speaking here.
Overall, I like what I've read, your writing is generally quite good and the premise has caught my attention. I am starting to feel the isekai burnout a bit though, but that's not really anything to do with you. Obviously these genres are very popular still, so just write what you like! And have fun!
Ohh I'm still going alright! Nothing's slowing me down! Let's go!
Hmm... I like this. This stands out to me, I've read the first 2 chapters. I decided to add this to my reading list and given 5*! This isn't like anything else I've read, it's not the sort of genre I'm usually into, but I do like this style. I started doing nitpicks about a couple typos and whatever, but there weren't that many and I don't think those would really help much in this case. So we'll go with this format instead:
What I like:
1 - Atmosphere! You never describe the gym really, but just from the tone of the story I can picture it in my head clearly. I like the brooding tone too, I'm not a super masculine guy so again I'm not normally really into this kind of stuff, but I like the main character. Again in very little description I think you communicate what he's like, and he's likeable in a very action hero kind of way.
2 - Change of pace! Scribble hub has a lot of stories, and although I find a lot of things I like, there's a sort of same-iness to most of it. And your story stands out! It's immediately memorable for me! I really wish there was more variety here, and your story is a refreshing change of pace.
3 - Style! I like that you call chapters issues, it makes me think of comic books and it frames your story in a fun way! Combine this with the tone and gruff over-the-top movie action hero vibes, this is doing it for me.
What I didn't:
1 - The wife! I think the emotional hook of the chapter is meant to be her death, but I really didn't feel it. A few paragraphs in I already knew she was going to die—I'm trope savvy enough to know when a characters getting fridged, but that means I'm not surprised when she dies. I'm also not emotionally invested in her, she's very cookie cutter good wife. Worse you then spend most of your second issue with Stan grieving her, but I'm not grieving with him.
In this readers opinion, I think to make her death have actual punch you really need to actually developed her. She feels blank, I think you should give her some actual personality, a reason for me to actually care about her.
So overall, it's good! I'm going to keep reading! So you better keep writing! And have fun!
Oh sweet lord! We Are Done!
Well this sure was quite the sitting? wasn't it? It only took me like.... 5 hours to write. But no more backlog! I'm up to date baby! I was about to start editing and checking for typos, but then I started to scroll upwards and decided maybe not. So you're eating raw OatMush tonight! No editing for me! Hope you all have fun dealing with that!
And if you're just trying to scroll past this monolith! Ha!
