I will tell you when and why I stopped reading your story.

[OatMush]

Would love a review!

The Last Prince of Rennaya

Har Har Ha! Now that my head is huge from kind words, let's go!

Ok! I read the first chapter and I had difficulty following along. You introduce way too many characters too quickly! Bare in mind I'm not the brightest and have the attention span of a budgerigar, so your target audience might be more willing and able to understand the plot, but I had a huge amount of trouble remembering every name you give me and their relationships to one another.

I was confused by the jump from focusing on Osei to focusing on Ataron, I mixed the two up on my first reading which made the plot hard to follow. In a lot of your paragraphs I was confused by which 'he' you were referring to. Pronouns are good but I think you overuse them.

I only have so much brain RAM and you introduce a lot of people and things very quickly. For example you mention 'his' siblings being perfectly evolved ai beings in one sentence, then never explain how that's relevant to the current proceedings, do I need to know this yet? And is Ataron also an Ai? Also who's Ataron again? I already forgot him.
Currently there's just too much happening for me to follow along, but again, I'm probably not your target audience.

The amount of information is one problem, but not the main problem I had. The biggest issue was the commas. I think you use like 5 times more commas than you should, here's some examples:

The air felt heavy, filled with fear and tension, as the empire's army made their way, through Rennaya's capital, Senae. The boy was confused, witnessing the way his people were behaving, as they arrived. He gripped his mother's hand harder, worried, but unsure why.
Holy cow that's a lot of commas! I think it should be more like:
The air felt heavy with fear as the Empire's army made their way through the Rennayan Capital of Senae. The boy was confused witnessing the way his people were behaved as they arrived. He gripped his mother's hand harder, he felt worried but was unsure why.
This still needs rewording I think, but at least feels less stuttery to read. I think your sentences run on a little too long and adding a hundred commas isn't the way to fix it. A lot sentences had a similar issue so I won't go through them all, but here's one more example:
Ataron taken back, by the boy's outburst, stepped forward and spoke up. "Now settle down... Messy as always, aren't you guys." He raised his hand and lowered it.
Those commas aren't needed and ruin the sentences flow. Remember the reader takes a pause every time they encounter a comma, don't just, put them, anywhere you, want. It makes it feel stuttery.

I did like the scene where Osei is forced to watch the fight by his father, it sets up their relationship and the tension between the kingdom and the empire in very few words.


Sooo overall I think it needs work. I think I like the world you're building but presented as it is I can't follow, and the huge number of misplaced commas only makes it hard to read.
But this is all fixable! Keep going! You seem to have a lot of ideas so keep having fun writing about them!

 

[laccoff_mawning]

I would be delighted if you could try mine, as well, please!

 

[Deaath]

It would be nice if you took a look at mine.

Prey (Monster LitRPG/Progression)

A vengeful duo, united in a single body on a revenge quest, wielding a monster turned sword. Betrayed by his companions, including his once-trusted best friend who fatally wounded him, Atreus Eastel awakens three years later in a desolate realm only to realize he's not entirely human. Rather...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LuoirM]

Oh my god please please please I feel like continuing this but it's getting little to no attention and I think the problem is I wrote it too badly

Also

This is optional if you have time, but focus on the upper one please

 

[Nyghtwryter]

Har Har Ha! Now that my head is huge from kind words, let's go!

Ok! I read the first chapter and I had difficulty following along. You introduce way too many characters too quickly! Bare in mind I'm not the brightest and have the attention span of a budgerigar, so your target audience might be more willing and able to understand the plot, but I had a huge amount of trouble remembering every name you give me and their relationships to one another.

I was confused by the jump from focusing on Osei to focusing on Ataron, I mixed the two up on my first reading which made the plot hard to follow. In a lot of your paragraphs I was confused by which 'he' you were referring to. Pronouns are good but I think you overuse them.

I only have so much brain RAM and you introduce a lot of people and things very quickly. For example you mention 'his' siblings being perfectly evolved ai beings in one sentence, then never explain how that's relevant to the current proceedings, do I need to know this yet? And is Ataron also an Ai? Also who's Ataron again? I already forgot him.
Currently there's just too much happening for me to follow along, but again, I'm probably not your target audience.

The amount of information is one problem, but not the main problem I had. The biggest issue was the commas. I think you use like 5 times more commas than you should, here's some examples:

The air felt heavy, filled with fear and tension, as the empire's army made their way, through Rennaya's capital, Senae. The boy was confused, witnessing the way his people were behaving, as they arrived. He gripped his mother's hand harder, worried, but unsure why.
Holy cow that's a lot of commas! I think it should be more like:
The air felt heavy with fear as the Empire's army made their way through the Rennayan Capital of Senae. The boy was confused witnessing the way his people were behaved as they arrived. He gripped his mother's hand harder, he felt worried but was unsure why.
This still needs rewording I think, but at least feels less stuttery to read. I think your sentences run on a little too long and adding a hundred commas isn't the way to fix it. A lot sentences had a similar issue so I won't go through them all, but here's one more example:
Ataron taken back, by the boy's outburst, stepped forward and spoke up. "Now settle down... Messy as always, aren't you guys." He raised his hand and lowered it.
Those commas aren't needed and ruin the sentences flow. Remember the reader takes a pause every time they encounter a comma, don't just, put them, anywhere you, want. It makes it feel stuttery.

I did like the scene where Osei is forced to watch the fight by his father, it sets up their relationship and the tension between the kingdom and the empire in very few words.


Sooo overall I think it needs work. I think I like the world you're building but presented as it is I can't follow, and the huge number of misplaced commas only makes it hard to read.
But this is all fixable! Keep going! You seem to have a lot of ideas so keep having fun writing about them!

Thank you for the insight! Yes I understood that people wouldn’t be able to keep up with the characters just yet, so they are mentioned more times throughout the book. But the main points of this part of the story was for Osei’s experience and to give a reason for things to happen later and his decisions.

Ataron and his siblings are all manmade AI that evolve over time and think of themselves as human beings. There are thousands of them, with the some of the lower ones, fighting in this trial. I didn’t intend for people to remember them in the beginning as they would encounter them later (foreshadowing characters and plot for the future, like Osei seeing him again 20 years later).

I’m definitely going to work on the commas, it’s my first story ever so I’ve noticed I’ve got a lot to work on and will still need an editor before publishing.

Thanks for having a look!

 

[Sergeandgreen]

There are a lot of stories on this website and standing out among them is hard. When someone does click on your story most of the time they'll stop reading after the first few chapters or even after only the blurb. I will give your story a go and tell you when and why I stopped reading.
I'm not an experienced author so don't expect any technical explanations of what you've done wrong. I can only tell you about my subjective experience reading your novel and I'm opinionated. Many stories I've read are perfectly fine just too similar to something else I've read or not in a genre I like, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, I'm probably not your target audience.
I'll give everything submitted a go with no limits on content. I can pm if you want to be anonymous or else I'll post my review here.
I'll update the title when I've had enough. Until then, Keep Them Coming!
Edit: I also really enjoy reviewing, so if you're on the fence about submitting your story, do it!

Can you give my multiverse story a chance? It would be interesting to know where the breaking point is for a regular reader.

 

[MintiLime]

Eh, I’ll offer up my story:

Divine Puppets

Selling your soul may be the price of magic in fairytales, but your free will is much more valuable to the deities of Maharnak. After all, what could be more useful than slaves following your every command? Some people choose to willingly walk this path as one of the Holy...

www.scribblehub.com

some notes:
It’s my attempt at writing, so it’s not the best. It’s chaotic, the chapters vary in length, and it’s written in a flowery sort of way. (I even alternate between 3rd and 1st person pov)

If you hate the first snippet, skip to chapter 11. It gets a bit more cohesive from then on. All the “Specials” are unrelated to the story and can be skipped as well.

 

[Seaspecter]

I don't want any feedback, I'm still traumatized from the last few times, but I did want to pop in here and thank you for doing this it really helps people.

 

[JKHarr]

I'm almost afraid to ask, but would you review mine? It's a very narrative, slice-of-life story so I'm not sure if it will be your cup of tea but feedback is appreciated nonetheless!

Link (:

 

[OatMush]

Nyeh he hhe.... So many submissions.... I normally pride myself in reviewing quick, but 6 is too many for 1 sitting! Don't worry! I'll get back to you in a day or so! Wouldn't want to be like certain other reviewers who have backlogs....

It would be nice if you took a look at mine.

Prey (Monster LitRPG/Progression)

A vengeful duo, united in a single body on a revenge quest, wielding a monster turned sword. Betrayed by his companions, including his once-trusted best friend who fatally wounded him, Atreus Eastel awakens three years later in a desolate realm only to realize he's not entirely human. Rather...

www.scribblehub.com

Okay! Lettuce begin!

I stopped reading here:
My [Knight] class, bestowed upon me at the age of 10, was no longer a thing. Its abilities were gone, merged with my new class. [Hybrid Predator] was my new class, something I had never heard of. My health was now recovering; [Mana] was replaced with [Dark Energy], and [Darkness] replaced [Spirit]. [Dark Matter] was entirely new.

This isn't for me! I'm certainly not your target audience! I'm not the biggest fan of litRPG, and from what I've read this seems almost entirely about the system, which isn't something for me personally. I do like litRPG elements sometimes, but only as seasoning over a more conventional story. But litRPG is a very successful genre so I wish you all the best.

If you were writing specifically to please me (which you obviously aren't) then I'd focus more on your characters and setting.
For example, you never really describe the cave, is it Damp? Dusty? Full of batshit? I don't know but I would like to. I can't picture it well. The description of the forest is good though.
As for your character, I really don't care about his levels or stats, I want to know about his experience(and I don't mean xp). For example, what does he feel when he wakes up? The system tells him he's starving, but what does that feel like? Does he feel weak? Lightheaded? Brain fog? Since he's apparently only a few hours from starving to death, shouldn't he feel like he's on death's door? Or if the system is preventing him from feeling those effects I would comment on that.

The other advice I'd give is to write a better summary, I don't like the one you have.

To try to summarise my problems with your story, the focus seems to be on the system, when I would much rather it be about the characters and world. Maybe later on that changes, but this thread is ultimately about first impressions.

So overall you seem competent at what you're trying to do, there's just no emotional hook for me. But keep figuring out those numbers if that's what you're into! Have fun!

I would be delighted if you could try mine, as well, please!

I am of course delighted to try yours!

Ok! It's pretty good. I read the first two chapters and I like it, added to reading list and giving 5*! I will come back to this for more at some point.

But! You came for feedback! So have some nitpicks instead!

1 - Suddenly, even perks up.
Whomst?

2 - "Haha. I didn't get it either, so I'm as curious as you are"
No full stop, there are a couple lines like this.

3 - You miss capitalisation at the start of some paragraphs.

4 - This is personal taste, but I would personally prefer if you were more descriptive, what does the uniform look like? After I read that it was designed for swimming I imagined a wet suit.

5 - The name of the school. It's err, that acronym seems unfortunate.

So overall I like it, a few typos are the only real problems. Keep it up!


@Deaath, if you're reading past your own review, both your story and laccoth_mawning's story both feature systems as centre pieces in the narrative, and so are to some degree are comparable. The reason his story caught my interest and yours didn't was because his focused more on the characters and their experience, while yours felt entirely about the system. This obviously doesn't mean yours is objectively worse or anything, just food for thought on why this single reader preferred one over the other.

Oh my god please please please I feel like continuing this but it's getting little to no attention and I think the problem is I wrote it too badly

Also

This is optional if you have time, but focus on the upper one please

Haha! Another 2-for-1 special! I like your gumption junior!


Well firstly, Mood. I also suffer from a lack of feedback and it isn't great for the morale. But! Looking at your statistics and from what I've gathered from SH veterans, your numbers seem pretty good! Keep writing and I'm sure you'll find your audience!

Let's get a'readin!


To Teach Civics and To Die

Well! I like it!

I stopped at about half way through chapter 3. Why did I stop? Because I've done too many reviews tonight and since I'll eventually want to read more of this, it would take too long if I waited for an organic place to stop!
So good job! Also, considering you only have 5 chapters I'd say you're doing very well statistics wise! But I'm new to SH so I don't know nothin' now do I? Here's some nitpicks!

1 - I'm not a huge fan of your paragraph structure. Nothing wrong with how you've structured it, just the specific gimmick of:
"someone says something"
[new paragraph]
[describing the action/inner monologue]
Personally I prefer more conventional novel structure, but that's personal taste and I can live with it either way.

2 - You almost lost me at the beginning—it's disorientating to start in the middle of combat. Once I got my feet under my legs you pull the rug by switching to a new place in a different universe, and now I'm disoriented again. But! I got through that and now my legs are steady.... You aren't planning to trip me again are you? At least do so with twists rather than odd literary devices.

That's pretty much it for nitpicks, the grammas good and I adjusted to your style. 5*! Added to read list! Keep to it junior! If your older then me (which might be likely) please replace with: Keep trucking old timer!

Dragoness’s Aimless Journey
Round 2! Fight!

Well... I'm going to half-ass this one, I consider it only fair I get to be a bit lazy!

I read the first, consider my interest piqued. I almost started copy pasting what I thought were a million typos, but then I realised it was just a stylistic choice. Interesting premise! Added to reading to list! But no 5*, if I ever come back for more I'll consider passing judgement then.

What I liked:
- cute animals, I have a heart
-your way of describing things, the sentence "which made her float without even touching" is fun.
- you don't fuck around, you immediately jump past what I could figure out for myself, keeps it fresh.
- I much prefer this way of doing paragraphs over your other submission

What I didn't:
- not much iz pretty good
- I think "worning" is a typo? Can't find a definition for it anyway

So overall you seem a good author! I'll keep reading your stuff! Have fun! And goodnight!

---

That's all for now folks! Come back tomorrow!
I tire.... I am but one man..... Have mercy please, I've been reviewing for like 3 hours....

Also my language is becoming strange, if I reviewed one more story I worry I'll start overusing exclamation marks. Not that I could ever over use them.

@Everyone else! I'll get to ya! Don't you worry 'bout nothin'!

 

[LuoirM]

I'm gonna blow you so hard thru ur jorts.

Nyeh he hhe.... So many submissions.... I normally pride myself in reviewing quick, but 6 is too many for 1 sitting! Don't worry! I'll get back to you in a day or so! Wouldn't want to be like certain other reviewers who have backlogs....


Okay! Lettuce begin!

I stopped reading here:
My [Knight] class, bestowed upon me at the age of 10, was no longer a thing. Its abilities were gone, merged with my new class. [Hybrid Predator] was my new class, something I had never heard of. My health was now recovering; [Mana] was replaced with [Dark Energy], and [Darkness] replaced [Spirit]. [Dark Matter] was entirely new.

This isn't for me! I'm certainly not your target audience! I'm not the biggest fan of litRPG, and from what I've read this seems almost entirely about the system, which isn't something for me personally. I do like litRPG elements sometimes, but only as seasoning over a more conventional story. But litRPG is a very successful genre so I wish you all the best.

If you were writing specifically to please me (which you obviously aren't) then I'd focus more on your characters and setting.
For example, you never really describe the cave, is it Damp? Dusty? Full of batshit? I don't know but I would like to. I can't picture it well. The description of the forest is good though.
As for your character, I really don't care about his levels or stats, I want to know about his experience(and I don't mean xp). For example, what does he feel when he wakes up? The system tells him he's starving, but what does that feel like? Does he feel weak? Lightheaded? Brain fog? Since he's apparently only a few hours from starving to death, shouldn't he feel like he's on death's door? Or if the system is preventing him from feeling those effects I would comment on that.

The other advice I'd give is to write a better summary, I don't like the one you have.

To try to summarise my problems with your story, the focus seems to be on the system, when I would much rather it be about the characters and world. Maybe later on that changes, but this thread is ultimately about first impressions.

So overall you seem competent at what you're trying to do, there's just no emotional hook for me. But keep figuring out those numbers if that's what you're into! Have fun!


I am of course delighted to try yours!

Ok! It's pretty good. I read the first two chapters and I like it, added to reading list and giving 5*! I will come back to this for more at some point.

But! You came for feedback! So have some nitpicks instead!

1 - Suddenly, even perks up.
Whomst?

2 - "Haha. I didn't get it either, so I'm as curious as you are"
No full stop, there are a couple lines like this.

3 - You miss capitalisation at the start of some paragraphs.

4 - This is personal taste, but I would personally prefer if you were more descriptive, what does the uniform look like? After I read that it was designed for swimming I imagined a wet suit.

5 - The name of the school. It's err, that acronym seems unfortunate.

So overall I like it, a few typos are the only real problems. Keep it up!


@Deaath, if you're reading past your own review, both your story and laccoth_mawning's story both feature systems as centre pieces in the narrative, and so are to some degree are comparable. The reason his story caught my interest and yours didn't was because his focused more on the characters and their experience, while yours felt entirely about the system. This obviously doesn't mean yours is objectively worse or anything, just food for thought on why this single reader preferred one over the other.


Haha! Another 2-for-1 special! I like your gumption junior!


Well firstly, Mood. I also suffer from a lack of feedback and it isn't great for the morale. But! Looking at your statistics and from what I've gathered from SH veterans, your numbers seem pretty good! Keep writing and I'm sure you'll find your audience!

Let's get a'readin!


To Teach Civics and To Die

Well! I like it!

I stopped at about half way through chapter 3. Why did I stop? Because I've done too many reviews tonight and since I'll eventually want to read more of this, it would take too long if I waited for an organic place to stop!
So good job! Also, considering you only have 5 chapters I'd say you're doing very well statistics wise! But I'm new to SH so I don't know nothin' now do I? Here's some nitpicks!

1 - I'm not a huge fan of your paragraph structure. Nothing wrong with how you've structured it, just the specific gimmick of:
"someone says something"
[new paragraph]
[describing the action/inner monologue]
Personally I prefer more conventional novel structure, but that's personal taste and I can live with it either way.

2 - You almost lost me at the beginning—it's disorientating to start in the middle of combat. Once I got my feet under my legs you pull the rug by switching to a new place in a different universe, and now I'm disoriented again. But! I got through that and now my legs are steady.... You aren't planning to trip me again are you? At least do so with twists rather than odd literary devices.

That's pretty much it for nitpicks, the grammas good and I adjusted to your style. 5*! Added to read list! Keep to it junior! If your older then me (which might be likely) please replace with: Keep trucking old timer!

Dragoness’s Aimless Journey
Round 2! Fight!

Well... I'm going to half-ass this one, I consider it only fair I get to be a bit lazy!

I read the first, consider my interest piqued. I almost started copy pasting what I thought were a million typos, but then I realised it was just a stylistic choice. Interesting premise! Added to reading to list! But no 5*, if I ever come back for more I'll consider passing judgement then.

What I liked:
- cute animals, I have a heart
-your way of describing things, the sentence "which made her float without even touching" is fun.
- you don't fuck around, you immediately jump past what I could figure out for myself, keeps it fresh.
- I much prefer this way of doing paragraphs over your other submission

What I didn't:
- not much iz pretty good
- I think "worning" is a typo? Can't find a definition for it anyway

So overall you seem a good author! I'll keep reading your stuff! Have fun! And goodnight!

---

That's all for now folks! Come back tomorrow!
I tire.... I am but one man..... Have mercy please, I've been reviewing for like 3 hours....

Also my language is becoming strange, if I reviewed one more story I worry I'll start overusing exclamation marks. Not that I could ever over use them.

@Everyone else! I'll get to ya! Don't you worry 'bout nothin'!

1 - I'm not a huge fan of your paragraph structure. Nothing wrong with how you've structured it, just the specific gimmick of:
"someone says something"
[new paragraph]
[describing the action/inner monologue]
Personally I prefer more conventional novel structure, but that's personal taste and I can live with it either way.


- I much prefer this way of doing paragraphs over your other submission

I write without thinking, I dun even know what paragraph phrasing u meant, I think I might invest in researching that, thanks daddy

 

[OatMush]

err, um....

 

[Deleted member 133647]

There are a lot of stories on this website and standing out among them is hard. When someone does click on your story most of the time they'll stop reading after the first few chapters or even after only the blurb. I will give your story a go and tell you when and why I stopped reading.
I'm not an experienced author so don't expect any technical explanations of what you've done wrong. I can only tell you about my subjective experience reading your novel and I'm opinionated. Many stories I've read are perfectly fine just too similar to something else I've read or not in a genre I like, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, I'm probably not your target audience.
I'll give everything submitted a go with no limits on content. I can pm if you want to be anonymous or else I'll post my review here.
I'll update the title when I've had enough. Until then, Keep Them Coming!
Edit: I also really enjoy reviewing, so if you're on the fence about submitting your story, do it!

i got 2 chapters bruv

 

[Tenebram]

This seems like a pretty wholesome review thread, so I'm just gonna try my luck!
You can choose either novel in my signature (it's not like the writing between them is much different lol), but be warned, the one with more chapters is a xianxia!
I tried to create some twists on the standard xianxia story beats, but still.

 

[MoMoKushBear]

Hey umm if you are still doing reviews I was hoping to maybe throw my story in the mix. It's called Wandering The World.

 

[Deaath]

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I will modify my chapters with what you've said in mind.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Nyeh he hhe.... So many submissions.... I normally pride myself in reviewing quick, but 6 is too many for 1 sitting! Don't worry! I'll get back to you in a day or so! Wouldn't want to be like certain other reviewers who have backlogs....


Okay! Lettuce begin!

I stopped reading here:
My [Knight] class, bestowed upon me at the age of 10, was no longer a thing. Its abilities were gone, merged with my new class. [Hybrid Predator] was my new class, something I had never heard of. My health was now recovering; [Mana] was replaced with [Dark Energy], and [Darkness] replaced [Spirit]. [Dark Matter] was entirely new.

This isn't for me! I'm certainly not your target audience! I'm not the biggest fan of litRPG, and from what I've read this seems almost entirely about the system, which isn't something for me personally. I do like litRPG elements sometimes, but only as seasoning over a more conventional story. But litRPG is a very successful genre so I wish you all the best.

If you were writing specifically to please me (which you obviously aren't) then I'd focus more on your characters and setting.
For example, you never really describe the cave, is it Damp? Dusty? Full of batshit? I don't know but I would like to. I can't picture it well. The description of the forest is good though.
As for your character, I really don't care about his levels or stats, I want to know about his experience(and I don't mean xp). For example, what does he feel when he wakes up? The system tells him he's starving, but what does that feel like? Does he feel weak? Lightheaded? Brain fog? Since he's apparently only a few hours from starving to death, shouldn't he feel like he's on death's door? Or if the system is preventing him from feeling those effects I would comment on that.

The other advice I'd give is to write a better summary, I don't like the one you have.

To try to summarise my problems with your story, the focus seems to be on the system, when I would much rather it be about the characters and world. Maybe later on that changes, but this thread is ultimately about first impressions.

So overall you seem competent at what you're trying to do, there's just no emotional hook for me. But keep figuring out those numbers if that's what you're into! Have fun!


I am of course delighted to try yours!

Ok! It's pretty good. I read the first two chapters and I like it, added to reading list and giving 5*! I will come back to this for more at some point.

But! You came for feedback! So have some nitpicks instead!

1 - Suddenly, even perks up.
Whomst?

2 - "Haha. I didn't get it either, so I'm as curious as you are"
No full stop, there are a couple lines like this.

3 - You miss capitalisation at the start of some paragraphs.

4 - This is personal taste, but I would personally prefer if you were more descriptive, what does the uniform look like? After I read that it was designed for swimming I imagined a wet suit.

5 - The name of the school. It's err, that acronym seems unfortunate.

So overall I like it, a few typos are the only real problems. Keep it up!


@Deaath, if you're reading past your own review, both your story and laccoth_mawning's story both feature systems as centre pieces in the narrative, and so are to some degree are comparable. The reason his story caught my interest and yours didn't was because his focused more on the characters and their experience, while yours felt entirely about the system. This obviously doesn't mean yours is objectively worse or anything, just food for thought on why this single reader preferred one over the other.


Haha! Another 2-for-1 special! I like your gumption junior!


Well firstly, Mood. I also suffer from a lack of feedback and it isn't great for the morale. But! Looking at your statistics and from what I've gathered from SH veterans, your numbers seem pretty good! Keep writing and I'm sure you'll find your audience!

Let's get a'readin!


To Teach Civics and To Die

Well! I like it!

I stopped at about half way through chapter 3. Why did I stop? Because I've done too many reviews tonight and since I'll eventually want to read more of this, it would take too long if I waited for an organic place to stop!
So good job! Also, considering you only have 5 chapters I'd say you're doing very well statistics wise! But I'm new to SH so I don't know nothin' now do I? Here's some nitpicks!

1 - I'm not a huge fan of your paragraph structure. Nothing wrong with how you've structured it, just the specific gimmick of:
"someone says something"
[new paragraph]
[describing the action/inner monologue]
Personally I prefer more conventional novel structure, but that's personal taste and I can live with it either way.

2 - You almost lost me at the beginning—it's disorientating to start in the middle of combat. Once I got my feet under my legs you pull the rug by switching to a new place in a different universe, and now I'm disoriented again. But! I got through that and now my legs are steady.... You aren't planning to trip me again are you? At least do so with twists rather than odd literary devices.

That's pretty much it for nitpicks, the grammas good and I adjusted to your style. 5*! Added to read list! Keep to it junior! If your older then me (which might be likely) please replace with: Keep trucking old timer!

Dragoness’s Aimless Journey
Round 2! Fight!

Well... I'm going to half-ass this one, I consider it only fair I get to be a bit lazy!

I read the first, consider my interest piqued. I almost started copy pasting what I thought were a million typos, but then I realised it was just a stylistic choice. Interesting premise! Added to reading to list! But no 5*, if I ever come back for more I'll consider passing judgement then.

What I liked:
- cute animals, I have a heart
-your way of describing things, the sentence "which made her float without even touching" is fun.
- you don't fuck around, you immediately jump past what I could figure out for myself, keeps it fresh.
- I much prefer this way of doing paragraphs over your other submission

What I didn't:
- not much iz pretty good
- I think "worning" is a typo? Can't find a definition for it anyway

So overall you seem a good author! I'll keep reading your stuff! Have fun! And goodnight!

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That's all for now folks! Come back tomorrow!
I tire.... I am but one man..... Have mercy please, I've been reviewing for like 3 hours....

Also my language is becoming strange, if I reviewed one more story I worry I'll start overusing exclamation marks. Not that I could ever over use them.

@Everyone else! I'll get to ya! Don't you worry 'bout nothin'!

Sorry I have a backlog, and that you have to wait.

 

[OatMush]

Thank you for the insight! Yes I understood that people wouldn’t be able to keep up with the characters just yet, so they are mentioned more times throughout the book. But the main points of this part of the story was for Osei’s experience and to give a reason for things to happen later and his decisions.

Ataron and his siblings are all manmade AI that evolve over time and think of themselves as human beings. There are thousands of them, with the some of the lower ones, fighting in this trial. I didn’t intend for people to remember them in the beginning as they would encounter them later (foreshadowing characters and plot for the future, like Osei seeing him again 20 years later).

I’m definitely going to work on the commas, it’s my first story ever so I’ve noticed I’ve got a lot to work on and will still need an editor before publishing.

Thanks for having a look!

Well keep fighting the good fight! Best of luck!

Sorry I have a backlog, and that you have to wait.

Yeah you better be..... Just kidding that wasn't actually meant as a dig, I just mean I think I'd lose motivation if it felt like I couldn't keep up.

I don't want any feedback, I'm still traumatized from the last few times, but I did want to pop in here and thank you for doing this it really helps people.

HA! HA! HA! You fool! I already know where I stopped reading yours! The latest chapter! Your story is one my indulgences. I can definitely see it's not for most people, it was hard to get through the first few chapters because the character feels like a Mary Sue and the language is very basic, but I got through it. Honestly I really like the low stakes meandering adventure! I'm OatsMaGoats on royal road, I've been reading for like 8 months and I meant to review you there but I think I forgot. So keep it up!

 

[Seaspecter]

Well keep fighting the good fight! Best of luck!


Yeah you better be..... Just kidding that wasn't actually meant as a dig, I just mean I think I'd lose motivation if it felt like I couldn't keep up.


HA! HA! HA! You fool! I already know where I stopped reading yours! The latest chapter! Your story is one my indulgences. I can definitely see it's not for most people, it was hard to get through the first few chapters because the character feels like a Mary Sue and the language is very basic, but I got through it. Honestly I really like the low stakes meandering adventure! I'm OatsMaGoats on royal road, I've been reading for like 8 months and I meant to review you there but I think I forgot. So keep it up!

LOL, well thanks for sticking with it. Honestly, I wrote the first 34 chapters in two weeks and started to post without editing anything I'm amazed anyone's read it.

 

[OatMush]

Woooo! Catch up round!
That's right! A 6-in-1 free fer-all bananza! I shall catch up! Good luck scrolling through all this!

Can you give my multiverse story a chance? It would be interesting to know where the breaking point is for a regular reader.

My spirit is unbreakable!

I read up to here:
By the time the last movie ended, Atlas had fallen in love with the fantastical world of Harry Potter and the magical creatures in Fantastic Beasts even thought he also realized that the world was far more dangerous than the life on an automated farm. At least if one were to meddle around the main characters of the story.

Why did I stop here? Because I don't love fanfiction so much! And I'm not super into Harry Potter especially! "But OatMush," I hear you ask, "Why did you read 3 chapters then?" it's because you're a damn good writer. I'm not your target audience, but bejabbers I wish I was! I was hooked bad by your first two chapters, and it was quite sad when the dawning realisation of it not being something I was interested in kind of stunk! Boo! You should write to please me and me specifically!
Just kidding of course! I hope you have fun continuing to write what ever your heart desires! Here's some nitpicks:

1 - "charakters"
Is this a typo? You use it three times so if it's purposeful please ignore

2 - hmm, I'm actually coming up kind of blank, I was just scrolling through again looking for nitpicks and couldn't find any! So good job!

3 - I'm not a huge fan of your summary, it's very long so I didn't read, which is a shame because it would of warned me about being a fanfiction! But that's just me being dumb and not reading tags! But I do think your summary could be shorter. But maybe not!

So overall! Submit something to me that's not HP fanfiction and I'll probably like it! Keep'a trucking! Have fun!

(Also if anyone else wanting to submit reads this, please bare in mind I'm on mobile, so I can't see your signature, I will edit the main post too.)

Eh, I’ll offer up my story:

Divine Puppets

Selling your soul may be the price of magic in fairytales, but your free will is much more valuable to the deities of Maharnak. After all, what could be more useful than slaves following your every command? Some people choose to willingly walk this path as one of the Holy...

www.scribblehub.com

some notes:
It’s my attempt at writing, so it’s not the best. It’s chaotic, the chapters vary in length, and it’s written in a flowery sort of way. (I even alternate between 3rd and 1st person pov)

If you hate the first snippet, skip to chapter 11. It gets a bit more cohesive from then on. All the “Specials” are unrelated to the story and can be skipped as well.

Wooah boy! Slow down with them there notes! I'm not following no rules! I read as if I walked in off the home page! No cheating with special instructions!

Ehhhhhh whatever I'll follow your instructions. as a favor, but don't get used to it! It ain't organic!

Wait one second, this is in my reading list! I think I clicked in off the homepage ages ago and didn't even notice! So good job with the cover, it stands out in a sea of air anime waifus and edgelords!

But I didn't read it then, so let us begin:

Chapter 1
Ok, I don't love this. The description of the temple is good, but I can't follow along with what's happening! Who's speaking? You only mention one character so in my head there was only one person speaking, and then I got confused and had to reread the dialogue when I finally realised there were two people speaking. And which one was wearing the silver cloak? So in an organic reading, I would not have passed the first chapter.

Remember the point of this thread is about when/why I stopped reading. But this submission is unholy! So let's go full Frankenstein and skip to chapter 11!

Chapter 11
I think! Your chapter numbers confused me! This one's labelled number 11, so here I start.

Ok! I finished the chapter! I will let this remain in my reading list! It seems pretty good.

I'm not really sure what to do here... I've broken my own format and am left stumbling in the dark.... I don't really have any nitpicks either, your writing is very competent and if there's any mistakes I didn't notice. So here's what I liked!:

1 - I like your explanation of the capital, you keep it short and sweet and still gives me a good idea of the vibe.

2 - Dog!

3 - the description of Ms Pinstripe, I like the line "Poor mistress is struggling. Her grin is stretched and bit forced and unnatural." I think this introduces her character quite well. Although I notice now there maybe should be an 'a' in the second sentence, but I didn't even notice it the first time round so no biggie. Might even be purposeful!

Well! That's all the time you get ya stinkin' cheat! I think your first chapter kinda sucks! Which is a shame because it seems you do know how to write, you just have a really confusing first chapter in my opinion! But who cares! Keep it up champ!

I'm almost afraid to ask, but would you review mine? It's a very narrative, slice-of-life story so I'm not sure if it will be your cup of tea but feedback is appreciated nonetheless!

Link (:

Have no fear! Remember this is just the opinion of some dude! Even if I don't like something, there aren't any consequences!

I stopped in the second chapter here:
The students in Jon’s class dispersed into the room and he looked around, scanning the groups of kids sitting across the floor of the auditorium.

This is another one where I'm really not your target audience! I'm a 20-something guy living in Australia! I was unsure if I'd be interested in the plot from the summary, and yeah, I don't really care for the American middle school setting. Your writing seems competent, there were no typos or whatnot that I noticed at least, so I'll skip the nitpicks and get to the things I didn't like in what I've read:

1 - Why are you talking about a bird to start with? Maybe it has metaphorical significance, or even plot significance, but I don't really care for it. There's no hook for me, maybe for your target audience there will be, but not for me.

2 - Then, in the second chapter, there's still no hook. Remember there are 1000s of stories on this site, if you don't grab my attention with something quick, I'll move on.

So you obviously can write quite well. It's just not what I'm interested in. I'm curious how much success you'll find here, I think SH is more light novel type anime stuff. Personally I'm here for adventure and fantasy mostly. But best of luck finding your audience though! And remember, always have fun!

i got 2 chapters bruv

'alright bruv

Ok so! I got turned away by the tags "girls love", "yandere" and "harem", these aren't my thing really, I might try something if it contains the first two on a whim, but "harem" is a bit of a deal breaker for this reader. But! For the sake of giving more meaningful opinion, I read a bit of your first chapter! Just a few paragraphs though, here's my nitpicks!

1 - 'This headache man. It's constant....and the off-brand mean girls in the back aren't helping it.'
On my second reading I realised this was probably internal monologue, but it confused me the first time because I didn't know who she was speaking too. But this is probably just me being dumb! But this section isn't called nitpicks for 'nothin!

2 - 'I'm saving up for college.' Expect the award.
I don't know what this means, the full stop and capital 'E' isn't helping. I think it means 'I'm saving up for college' award. But I'm not sure.

Well that's what I've got from what I've read! It seems pretty good, just not for me! Keep going though! Have fun!

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Intermission!
Hoo Boi I need a break, having a glass of water and a ciggy... Stay hydrated folks! (but maybe don't smoke.)

Rejuvenation complete! Lettuce continue!

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This seems like a pretty wholesome review thread, so I'm just gonna try my luck!
You can choose either novel in my signature (it's not like the writing between them is much different lol), but be warned, the one with more chapters is a xianxia!
I tried to create some twists on the standard xianxia story beats, but still.

Thankyou! Let's throw the dice buckeroo!

Kore Foundation: F-Grade Beastmen World
Ok! I read to chapter 4! It seems pretty good! The premise seems interesting and your writing is quite good! 5*! I like that you've made the system a flawed character in their own right, and the world seems fairly interesting! Here's some nitpicks:

1 - Kore Foundation: F-Grade Beastmen World
I don't really like the title, it tells me nothing about your story other than "it's an isekai", feels generic

2 - This transmigration bullsh*t was f*cked.
Gee w*llikers! I don't think you need to sensor your profanity. We swear like men here!

3 - Ist this an RPG, or what?
Just a typo.

4 - So, the System had heard her scolding earlier..., well, she couldn't take them back now and she still meant them so...
'...I'm sorry.'
The System apologized once more.
I misinterpreted who was speaking here.

Overall, I like what I've read, your writing is generally quite good and the premise has caught my attention. I am starting to feel the isekai burnout a bit though, but that's not really anything to do with you. Obviously these genres are very popular still, so just write what you like! And have fun!

Hey umm if you are still doing reviews I was hoping to maybe throw my story in the mix. It's called Wandering The World.

Ohh I'm still going alright! Nothing's slowing me down! Let's go!

Hmm... I like this. This stands out to me, I've read the first 2 chapters. I decided to add this to my reading list and given 5*! This isn't like anything else I've read, it's not the sort of genre I'm usually into, but I do like this style. I started doing nitpicks about a couple typos and whatever, but there weren't that many and I don't think those would really help much in this case. So we'll go with this format instead:

What I like:
1 - Atmosphere! You never describe the gym really, but just from the tone of the story I can picture it in my head clearly. I like the brooding tone too, I'm not a super masculine guy so again I'm not normally really into this kind of stuff, but I like the main character. Again in very little description I think you communicate what he's like, and he's likeable in a very action hero kind of way.
2 - Change of pace! Scribble hub has a lot of stories, and although I find a lot of things I like, there's a sort of same-iness to most of it. And your story stands out! It's immediately memorable for me! I really wish there was more variety here, and your story is a refreshing change of pace.
3 - Style! I like that you call chapters issues, it makes me think of comic books and it frames your story in a fun way! Combine this with the tone and gruff over-the-top movie action hero vibes, this is doing it for me.

What I didn't:
1 - The wife! I think the emotional hook of the chapter is meant to be her death, but I really didn't feel it. A few paragraphs in I already knew she was going to die—I'm trope savvy enough to know when a characters getting fridged, but that means I'm not surprised when she dies. I'm also not emotionally invested in her, she's very cookie cutter good wife. Worse you then spend most of your second issue with Stan grieving her, but I'm not grieving with him.
In this readers opinion, I think to make her death have actual punch you really need to actually developed her. She feels blank, I think you should give her some actual personality, a reason for me to actually care about her.

So overall, it's good! I'm going to keep reading! So you better keep writing! And have fun!

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Oh sweet lord! We Are Done!
Well this sure was quite the sitting? wasn't it? It only took me like.... 5 hours to write. But no more backlog! I'm up to date baby! I was about to start editing and checking for typos, but then I started to scroll upwards and decided maybe not. So you're eating raw OatMush tonight! No editing for me! Hope you all have fun dealing with that!

And if you're just trying to scroll past this monolith! Ha!