The Hive(Free Feedback Thread)

[Glitched]

Welcome to The Hive
The Swarm Gives Its Greeting.
​

I'm your resident Moth Mommy, Glitched, and I'm rather bored. The hive is filled with nothing but corpses and my insect children, so I figured I'd fill it with something entertaining to pass the time.

That's right, books! Your books. I'm rather interested in human literature. Send me a story and I'll read it until I feel like stopping, whereas I will leave a short review with a ___ out of 10 star rating and then tell you why. I'm no scholar, so don't expect the most useful reviews, but I'll tell you what I can. That includes brutal feedback if I see it fit. Serving me poor stories is a mockery of my position as Empress of the Swarm and will be returned in kind. But do not worry, I will let you keep your pitiful pride and spare you the shame of such reviews in a public setting.

I only trust links books that come from the Hub of Scribbles, so try and avoid serving me things from the Road of Royals and the like.

Thank you in advance for taking up my offer, and I cannot wait to see what you mortals have prepared for my lair.

- Sincerely, Glitched

 

[HelloHound]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm going to be eventually editing the whole thing so any points to focus on are appreciated and will be stored in my feedback document

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Reincarnated as a Vampire Princess

Through death, Enala becomes a vampire princess in another world. Reborn to Arris Kingdom, she will face new challenges. She doesn't know what her new life will bring, but she made a vow. I am reposting this story and going through with revision on all of it. I hope you...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for your time.

 

[K5Rakitan]

As long as you give it one star, you can check out my story

Kaiba’s Prostitute

When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession?...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rookieqw]

Welcome to The Hive
The Swarm Gives Its Greeting.
​

I'm your resident Moth Mommy, Glitched, and I'm rather bored. The hive is filled with nothing but corpses and my insect children, so I figured I'd fill it with something entertaining to pass the time.

That's right, books! Your books. I'm rather interested in human literature. Send me a story and I'll read it until I feel like stopping, whereas I will leave a short review with a ___ out of 10 star rating and then tell you why. I'm no scholar, so don't expect the most useful reviews, but I'll tell you what I can. That includes brutal feedback if I see it fit. Serving me poor stories is a mockery of my position as Empress of the Swarm and will be returned in kind. But do not worry, I will let you keep your pitiful pride and spare you the shame of such reviews in a public setting.

I only trust links books that come from the Hub of Scribbles, so try and avoid serving me things from the Road of Royals and the like.

Thank you in advance for taking up my offer, and I cannot wait to see what you mortals have prepared for my lair.

- Sincerely, Glitched

Thank you for your kind offer! If this is okay, here is my story https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/

 

[PBJ_Time]

Good evening. If you're into isekai litRPGs, you can check out my draft anytime. I know it isn't published yet, mostly because I'm thinking of changing the entire narrative yet again, but it will be one day.

Crimson Purple

Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...

docs.google.com

P.S. Chapter 8 is incomplete because, again, I'm busy changing the narrative.

 

[John_Owl]

Since you didn't mention rules, I'll throw mine in the ring. Lay the Dragon, link below in my sig. It is a smut novel, but all smut chapters are marked as NSFW, and the first isn't until like, chapter 6.

 

[Glitched]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm going to be eventually editing the whole thing so any points to focus on are appreciated and will be stored in my feedback document

Haha, I do not typically indulge in the love of two females, but this was rather interesting. I stopped at chapter 9, not because it got bad, but because I have other books to review. The pacing was a bit slow, but it helps to generate a continous desire to find out what, when, why, and how the cubes affect the MC. You tagged the slow start anyway. I only had two relatively minor problems with your story:

1. I understand that it's told in first person, but there seems to be a little too much use of the word "I" at times.
2. Sybil feels a bit too smart at times for someone her size. Given she is at someone's knee, even if she is short she can't be over 8. I am a monarch with decades of experience, and even I would fail to make such decisions in such a short time. Assuming there is no reincarnation, etc taking place, her optimal decisions after getting thrown in the river feel like a obvious plot armor. You did explain that her not going upstream was specifically for the plot, so you get some slack there.

Otherwise, your story will fit perfectly as the first addition to my library. It was a very good read, and I will add it to my collection for later viewing.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 8
Grammar Score: 9
Character Score: 8
Overall Score: 8.3

 

[HelloHound]

Haha, I do not typically indulge in the love of two females, but this was rather interesting. I stopped at chapter 9, not because it got bad, but because I have other books to review. The pacing was a bit slow, but it helps to generate a continous desire to find out what, when, why, and how the cubes affect the MC. You tagged the slow start anyway. I only had two relatively minor problems with your story:

1. I understand that it's told in first person, but there seems to be a little too much use of the word "I" at times.
2. Sybil feels a bit too smart at times for someone her size. Given she is at someone's knee, even if she is short she can't be over 8. I am a monarch with decades of experience, and even I would fail to make such decisions in such a short time. Assuming there is no reincarnation, etc taking place, her optimal decisions after getting thrown in the river feel like a obvious plot armor. You did explain that her not going upstream was specifically for the plot, so you get some slack there.

Otherwise, your story will fit perfectly as the first addition to my library. It was a very good read, and I will add it to my collection for later viewing.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 8
Grammar Score: 9
Character Score: 8
Overall Score: 8.3

thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, I'm glad you had a decent time with it so far

 

[DearDire]

Hey again you reviewed mystory the other day so it would be awesome if you could review this one
i gave up on the other one cus i reached a roadblock, but this one i feel like is at least 10x better
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/80723/the-supreme-leader-a-supervillian-litrpg

 

[Beta_Krogoth]

I'll throw my hat into the hive, why not.

Sweet Venom – Rebroken

Arc 1 & 2 - A small Nomad colony reports that thousands of people missing and no one dares to look into it, Diego Harley decides to investigate and becomes the fascination of dark, dangerous creatures that begin to obsess over him, putting everyone around him in danger as they try to claim...

www.scribblehub.com

Smut scenes are marked and skippable, otherwise its a blend of sci-fi, fantasty, action, thriller and horror. Good reviews mostly, just revamped the beginning too!

 

[AdOtherwise]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Glitched]

Reincarnated as a Vampire Princess

Through death, Enala becomes a vampire princess in another world. Reborn to Arris Kingdom, she will face new challenges. She doesn't know what her new life will bring, but she made a vow. I am reposting this story and going through with revision on all of it. I hope you...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for your time.

Well if it isn't the Vampire Queen herself. It's nice to get acquainted with fellow royalty for once. Especially one as great as yourself. As mentioned in a previous review, girl's love isn't my thing, but I was still happy to read. You vampires are very different from the stories most people tell. For reference I stopped at chapter 11, simply because the story is not my preferred genre. SoL + Gl + Isekai combined is a bit too much for my liking and I knew I wouldn't find what I want if I kept on reading in the long run.
In the short run though, your story was fun to read, and rather cute at times. It's refreshing after writing and reading things that sometimes take on a more serious demeanor. I must say that you're able to describe relationships between En and her retainers so well. It warms my heart, which is quite a hard task. I very much appreciate how you included the fact that En's brain age limits her cognitive function despite her reincarnating with her memories. It makes the story far less trope-y, and allows for some character development as she matures in a new body. My only 2 peeves:

1. The start feels a bit forced. While there was no appearance of truck-kun(thankfully), her position prior to death is a very common trope and it feels worse when it's barely covered in half the first chapter. If you prefer not to write about such things in detail that's ok, I just feel like it could use a little more elaboration.
2. This is really minor, but in the first chapter she states that she would cherish her next life. I guess it then becomes more of a question whether reincarnation is a held belief by her world's population(assuming earth), or if she somehow foresees the plot. Throughout the reincarnation progress she just seems to know that she's gonna have another life, which feels weird.

Anyway, as mentioned before, this story is not my kind of thing so I won't keep reading, but I will add it to my library. I am sure my eldest children will find an interest in the Vampire Queen's writings.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 7
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 10
Overall Score: 8.3 + 0.1(Fluff)

P.S. It's a shame there isn't a heartwarming tag. More Fluff

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Well if it isn't the Vampire Queen herself. It's nice to get acquainted with fellow royalty for once. Especially one as great as yourself. As mentioned in a previous review, girl's love isn't my thing, but I was still happy to read. You vampires are very different from the stories most people tell. For reference I stopped at chapter 11, simply because the story is not my preferred genre. SoL + Gl + Isekai combined is a bit too much for my liking and I knew I wouldn't find what I want if I kept on reading in the long run.
In the short run though, your story was fun to read, and rather cute at times. It's refreshing after writing and reading things that sometimes take on a more serious demeanor. I must say that you're able to describe relationships between En and her retainers so well. It warms my heart, which is quite a hard task. I very much appreciate how you included the fact that En's brain age limits her cognitive function despite her reincarnating with her memories. It makes the story far less trope-y, and allows for some character development as she matures in a new body. My only 2 peeves:

1. The start feels a bit forced. While there was no appearance of truck-kun(thankfully), her position prior to death is a very common trope and it feels worse when it's barely covered in half the first chapter. If you prefer not to write about such things in detail that's ok, I just feel like it could use a little more elaboration.
2. This is really minor, but in the first chapter she states that she would cherish her next life. I guess it then becomes more of a question whether reincarnation is a held belief by her world's population(assuming earth), or if she somehow foresees the plot. Throughout the reincarnation progress she just seems to know that she's gonna have another life, which feels weird.

Anyway, as mentioned before, this story is not my kind of thing so I won't keep reading, but I will add it to my library. I am sure my eldest children will find an interest in the Vampire Queen's writings.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 7
Grammar Score: 8
Character Score: 10
Overall Score: 8.3 + 0.1(Fluff)

P.S. It's a shame there isn't a heartwarming tag. More Fluff

Thank you so much for your time! I am grateful you took the time even though it’s not to your liking!

 

[EldritchPotato]

Oh hell yeah, shameless self-promotion. Feel free to read any of mine, whichever sounds most interesting. :)

 

[Paul_Tromba]

I'm down. If you wouldn't mind reading one of my stories

I accidentally summoned the hero! Now what?

After being framed for the use of necromancy, Nero was banished from his hometown and the great magic academy. Having nowhere else to go he was cast out into the swamps bordering his home country, Where he got lost in an Imperial city ruin and end up in a labyrinth....

www.scribblehub.com

I was reborn as a demon lord in another world but my morals contradict my title

Having been summoned to this world as the next Demon Lord, Legion found himself surrounded on all sides by subservient demons. However, he has no idea what they want, nor does he know his purpose. Learning that these demons' morals were flipped on their head compared to his own, he...

www.scribblehub.com

or if you would be so kind, you can read my book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CL8BPLCH

 

[Glitched]

As long as you give it one star, you can check out my story

Kaiba’s Prostitute

When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession?...

www.scribblehub.com

Ok, this was umm, oddly fascinating. I also engage in polyamory, but usually my mates are left dead when I'm done. Not to mention the inclusion of this world of "Yu-gi-oh." It's my first time seeing such a unique story. I was sure you humans typically look down on sex work and the like. Anyway, I stopped at chapter 7. At some point I kept reading for the smut, which was eventually implied rather than detailed. Which if I'm being honest, felt kinda weird with all the buildup. That being said I respect your decision to exclude raw smut(I do as well).
Now as to the actual story, it was fine by my standards. Not the best, not the worst, but it does fill a very uncommon niche. Having that level of polyamory across several characters is not realistic, but if we are looking at it from the perspective of someone into these kinds of things, then this is written very well. Joan takes control of her life in her own way, but also demonstrates embarrassment and other basic human emotions we don't get a feel for in most female protagonist stories. She's strong, independent, relatable to an extent, and not afraid to hang with varying ages, occupations, and just people in general. The whole premise of the story is pretty unrealistic given what you're trying to do, but that's exactly why you're writing such a thing. You have my respect for writing something that's less acceptable universally. I made sure to rate it a 5 1.

Not a piece for my library, but a good one nonetheless.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 6
Grammar Score: 7
Character Score: 10
Overall Score: 7.8 - 6.8(Rule)

 

[K5Rakitan]

Ok, this was umm, oddly fascinating. I also engage in polyamory, but usually my mates are left dead when I'm done. Not to mention the inclusion of this world of "Yu-gi-oh." It's my first time seeing such a unique story. I was sure you humans typically look down on sex work and the like. Anyway, I stopped at chapter 7. At some point I kept reading for the smut, which was eventually implied rather than detailed. Which if I'm being honest, felt kinda weird with all the buildup. That being said I respect your decision to exclude raw smut(I do as well).
Now as to the actual story, it was fine by my standards. Not the best, not the worst, but it does fill a very uncommon niche. Having that level of polyamory across several characters is not realistic, but if we are looking at it from the perspective of someone into these kinds of things, then this is written very well. Joan takes control of her life in her own way, but also demonstrates embarrassment and other basic human emotions we don't get a feel for in most female protagonist stories. She's strong, independent, relatable to an extent, and not afraid to hang with varying ages, occupations, and just people in general. The whole premise of the story is pretty unrealistic given what you're trying to do, but that's exactly why you're writing such a thing. You have my respect for writing something that's less acceptable universally. I made sure to rate it a 5 1.

Style Score: 8
Story Score: 6
Grammar Score: 7
Character Score: 10
Overall Score: 7.8 - 6.8(Rule)

Thanky :)

 

[Chaperone]

Hey @Glitched, please could review my novel. I am happy to take some brutal feedback if it's needed.
Cheers.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/783282/the-unusual-shepherd--progression-fantasymonster-tamer/

 

[Glitched]

Thank you for your kind offer! If this is okay, here is my story https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/

Alright I stopped at two beacuse there's quite a bit to unpack here mortal. For starters, we have to do something about your initial presentation. There's a reason your view count is fairly low. When I look at a story given to me by you humans, there are two things I look at first and foremost. The book's cover, and then its title after I've been hooked or intrigued by the cover. In your case you pretty much lack both. I say "pretty much" mainly because you have a title, albeit it being lowercase. For the sake of my eyes and your readers, please capitalize it. Big letters attract attention and look more formal. As for a cover, find another mortal to craft one for you. Or use a robot. Do as you'd like.

That being said, anyone can draw in views with good tags, cover, and title, but it's much harder to entertain or retain said viewers. One thing I noticed is that your average chapter length was over 4000 words. Unless you are a God-tier writer that can hook viewers with very well written stuff over long periods of time, try to write shorter chapters. Viewer attention starts to fall off after 2000 after all.

On the other hand, you somehow manage to leave me confused about the world they live in despite the high word count in chapter 1. I feel like more focus on the world early on would be nice, especially with how unique the world and way of naming is. Right now I can't imagine your story setting any differently the LoL's Zaun and Piltover's Underside/Topside relationship.

Now as to the actual story, I think it's fairly interesting. The world is unique and the characters are dynamic. I can't really find a problem here. If I read more I could be more specific, but I can't bring myself to focus for 4000 words in first person POV, especially when I'm sick. I'm more concerned about rhe issues above in the form of formatting, so just make sure you fix it when you get the chance.

Not fit for my library as it is now, but it may be someday.

Style Score: 7
Story Score: 9
Grammar Score: 7
Character Score: 9
Overall Score: 8.0 - 2.0(Formatting)