Ok folks! Time for another catch up spectacular!
Hello! Let's see!
I read the first chapter, it seems quite good, but not for me personally. I'm going to give some input on why
I didn't enjoy it, but considering the very positive reaction you've received, I wouldn't take my advice very seriously, I'm just not your target audience. I think you'll find much more useful feedback from someone else. Anyway, I'll do my best to give
some useful feedback, just don't take it very seriously.
Introduction
I was very confused for the first few paragraphs, I understand you want to jump straight into the action, but I would rather more context. I even went back to make sure I hadn't accidentally started on the second or third chapter. You do give most the information needed later, but I felt lost at the start. Which leads me to my next point:
Summary
I'm the type who usually skips the summary, I prefer to just read the first few paragraphs, but in your story it almost seems the summary is necessary to read to get context, so to me it felt like you skipped the start of the story. But this might just be me being dumb.
Character
I'm a very character orientated reader, and I didn't really like your MC. This is almost certainly the most subjective issue I found, but I'm not a fan of immediately powerful characters. And beyond being powerful and looking down on humans, you don't really give any information on why I should care about this person. And if they can easily fight off dozens of people at the start, it doesn't feel like there's much at stake, or else there'll be a lot of power creep later on.
Description
I would rather there be more, in the first few paragraphs, I can't visualise what's happening. What does the MC look like? you say they're half dragon, but that doesn't tell me much. What does the forest look like? It seems there's a lot of fungus, but is this a deciduous forest with giant mushrooms? Rainforest? Nusicaa style full on alien fungi forest? I would personally like to know, but your target audience might not care so much.
She scoffed. Dangerous to a human
Is she scoffing at the narrator? If that wasn't her internal monologue, how did she hear it? If it is, why did she think something that she finds scoffable? Feels odd to me.
but I’ll try to hold back my rage.
This is a bit too edgy for me ... Since when was she enraged? She seems more bored and professional to me...
After rereading my review, I worry I sound like I'm being too negative, so I feel the need to reiterate that I think your writing is actually pretty good, and considering the overwhelming positive reception, you're obviously doing something very right, my issues are entirely subjective to this single reader.
So.... Keep it up! Welcome to SH and I hope you continue to find success here, and most of all I hope you have fun!
Ok! Ok! Let's go!
I've read up to the end of chapter 2. I in general enjoyed it, I like your setting and your character's motivation is relatable. I was unsure how to approach this review, so I decided to give the format a go:
What I liked:
- Your writing, if you've made any grammatical or spelling mistakes, I didn't notice them. I can tell this is carefully edited, and that counts for something in my book.
- I really enjoy this kind of setting. It feels abstract and artificial in a way that builds mystery. It immediately makes my question how the world became like this and how the people got into this situation. Also makes me think of OFF and other RPG maker games, which is a positive association for me.
- It's very approachable, it's very easy to read.
- Characterisation, I will talk more about this, in very few words I feel I understand your character's motivations quite well.
What I think could be improved:
- Your cover. I don't usually talk about covers, but it's something of the elephant in the room. Personally it's a bit refreshing to see something other than a generic anime waifu or an edgy generic male lead, but I would describe the cover as 'programmer art', and I think it misrepresents the quality of your writing, and is likely the reason your story has seen so few page views.
- The amount of description, as I said, I like this kind of world, but after two chapters I still can't visualise what it looks like! What's over the cliff? The sky? Infinite darkness? Whiteness? What does the town look like? What does the road look like? What does the cave look like? This is probably the main issue preventing me from reading more.
Overall it's quite good, and I definitely think you should keep writing it. Good luck and have fun!
Hello hello! I have fun at least! I hope you enjoy my review!
I picked Orca's Serenade, because I think feedback on your ongoing story might be the most useful to you. Lettuce begin:
I read up to the end of chapter 3 including the prologue.
Well, it's good! The writing is good, the premise is interesting, and the 2 MC's are both relatable in different ways. 5* and added to reading list.
Honestly I don't even really have much feedback to give, I like it. I don't even have many nitpicks... Well I have one.
loud machines This was
Just a missing full stop, but it's in the first paragraph.
So uhhh.... Sorry for the short review! I didn't find much to critique! Keep it up! I'll keep reading! I'm not a huge fan of gl so I might drop off if that becomes the main focus, but you seem a good writer anyway!
Hello! Well, it took awhile for me to get to it, so there's five chapters as I'm writing this. Let's give it a go!
Ok! Well, I read all five! I like it! I'll admit to liking monster girl stories and I enjoy your writing style, I'm interested to see where this goes! Here's some nitpicks:
He commands the entire rom with his presence
typo.
Something that jumped out to me, was the strangeness of the guild discovering the paperwork. I wouldn't say it's a pothole, but I'm not sure I understand how the brotherhood could fail at destroying paperwork, and even if a few pages somehow survived, how did the guild find and recognize it for what it is?
A bigger related problem, why would a research institution destroy their records? Do you think scientists record things for fun? Even if #97 was a failure, surely they'd want to archive the results for future reference? Maybe you explain why later though, it just felt odd to me.
Hmmmm... Well sorry I don't have much feedback to give so you're getting a short review, but at least it's for the best reasons. I've added to reading list and given 5*! Keep writing and I'll keep reading! Have fun!
Submit and I shall review! Let's g-g-g-go!
Oh ho? I haven't read the first chapter yet, but it seems this is something of an interactive story, I haven't reviewed one yet so this could be fun! May haps I'll even post a memo?
Hohohoho I like this. I've read through and submitted a triple memo, I will play along!
In terms of writing, it's good! It reminds me a lot of Dracula!
My only recommendation would be to make onboarding easier, as it is it's quite intimidating.
Anyway! I'll be reading and playing along, 5* and added to reading list! (playing list?) I hope you find a player base!
Intermission!
Hoo Boi this is taking a long time, originally I picked this format because it was quick and easy, but I seem to spend longer and longer on each submission!
Oh well! I enjoy the process! It makes me wonder if anyone other than the reviewees ever reads this? Will anyone read this whole thing? Am I reviewing into the void?!
Is anyone here?
Anyways, time for a ciggy, glass of water and a wander around the rainforest. I saw a cussowary today! That was cool!
...
Ok! Ciggy smoked, water drunk, forest a'wandered, isolation grappled with!
(I talked with a strange shirtless man I met in the forest, you're never as alone as you think!) Let us continue!
Yes! Hardwork! Forwards!
Ok! I read to the end of chapter two! Now, I have 2 admissions to make,
1). Superheros aren't my favourite, there are exceptions but in the wild it's unlikely I would of continued past your tags and summary, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
2). I've done sin and read TheTrinary's review beforehand. Normally I avoid reading reviews about any of my submissions since I want to keep my thoughts my own. Unfortunately, due to the number of submissions, I didn't realise you had also submitted to me! This means I inevitably had their thoughts in my head while I read, I did my best not to let them influence me too much, but I'm afraid they did.
Now, onto my review:
If I wasn't reviewing, and if I hadn't read theTrinary's criticism (not gonna @ cause there's no reason to summon them here), I probably would have stopped after the first few paragraphs. I don't like them, they're flowery and boring, and a bit confusing.
Which is a shame, because having read past my organic stopping point, I can say your writing improves a lot in the second chapter. I highly recommend redoing those first few paragraphs, get to the point faster and try to make an actual hook.
I've now read to the end of the second chapter, you pick up speed and plot starts happening in far fewer and less pretentious words... and honestly I quite like it. Your character is a pretty fun dude! Once you turn the writing quirks down from 11 to 6, it's pretty good reading!
What I liked:
- Relatable character, I've been out of highschool a good while but I can relate to the self doubt of youth still
- Interesting family dynamic, everyone introduced in the 2 chapters I read felt like a believably flawed character, interested to see where this goes.
- Description! After the problematic first chapter, you give me a good idea about what the character is thinking\feeling, and what his home life is like
What I didn't:
- The first chapter, I feel TheTrinary does a better job describing what's wrong with it then I am able, but I don't think it's as bad as they say. Get to the point faster, and include a hook. A lot of readers like me will give up a story if they don't like the first chapter.
- Gaining the system, it comes a bit out left field to me, are systems common in this world? Well-known? Mythological? Is mc the first in the world to get one?
Overall, I'm adding to my reading list because it seems interesting, don't be put off by harsh reviews! There's a diamond in this rough, keep writing! Have fun!
Ok laddy-boy! Let's go!
Well, I haven't read first chapter yet, but for once I read the summary. It needs work in my opinion, the name(title) thing feels clunky, the lack of full stops pretentious and unnecessary, and there's what looks like a typo in
the elementalis. Not a great start for this reader, in an organic reading I wouldn't have clicked away, there are a thousand stories on this site, and this doesn't catch my attention.
I read until here:
He stop for one moment, and look away, focused in one direction
There are a million mistakes, and I'm not a huge fan of
(OatMush)-"this gimmick!" *Slaps you*
This is subjective of course, but it reads more like a roleplay than a story. Nothing wrong with it really, just not what this reader is personally into.
As for the number of mistakes... please reread what you write :(
Now, I will say ignoring what I didn't like, the premise is interesting, so if this is what floats your boat, have at it! Have fun! (Sorry for the short review, I'm obviously very far from being your target audience)
Hello hello! Welcome again to SHF!
Now, to forewarn, I'm not the biggest fan of GL, harem and gameLit, so I'm probably not your target audience, I will of course give it a go anyway! Just don't take what I say to heart, you'll likely do well to get reviews from others.
Oooor not! This seems pretty good. I've read the first 2 chapters, I'm adding to reading list and giving 5*, I may stop reading later on, but you have my interest against the odds.
What I liked:
- General flow, you move things along at a good pace, never lingering long enough for me too bored while still describing things in good detail.
- Description! Again you smoothly give enough information that I can visualise the proceedings well, without wasting time describing things I don't care about.
- Premise, a world were people who die an embarassing death go? It seems I have my afterlife planned out
- Realistic character, I feel she handles things quite well, but understandably has a minor panic attack.
- General editing, I didn't notice any typos or odd Grammer, so that's a good start
What I didn't:
- human shape and shoved a skinsuit onto them. Odd wording methinks, maybe replace onto with over?
- Maybe lacking a strong hook? I enjoyed what I read so far, but I don't feel a burning passion to find out what happens next.
Overall, pretty solid. We'll see later on if I lose interest, but for now I enjoyed it! Keep it up!
Intermission II
Well it's dark now, the mind is willing but the flesh grows hungry! Time for dinner.
Mind refreshed and belly full! I also saw quokka! Wallabies! Fireflies! And almost got hit in the face by a bat! (The flying mammal, not the instrument of sportsmanship) Enchanting! I like Queensland!
I do. I do want a read.
I read until here:
"Still a jerk, eh Robert?"
This is not for me....
Now, I understand your referencing old Shonen and Sentai, but well, neither of those are things I'm personally particularly nostalgic about. So to me, this is just kinda cringey.
It isn't poorly written, but I'm not really interested in this hammed up artificial (I hope) American highschool drama. Doesn't mean it's bad just not for me. So I'm afraid you get a short review too.
One was a man with an elderly man with wrinkles on his face.
Hrrrm..... wrinkly man-ception
Overall, it's not bad, just very far out of my orbit. Keep it up though, I approve all campy fun on principle.
I have a lot of time! I shall give so much feedback!
Or maybe not.... Ok, so I don't love systems... And I don't love sports.... I am not your target audience. I would not of made it through your summary.
But! I did of course read the first chapter anyways.
And we'll.... I still don't have much feedback. It's well written, the MC is relatable enough, understandable that he'd be as bitter as he is if he felt he lost out on the life he wanted because of injuries, and dying by accidental overdose is the kind of dumb mistake people make all the time.
What I liked:
- Characterisation, I really liked how you introduce the character, the way he tries and failes to throw a bottle while stumbling home drunk immediately let's me know he's permanently injured, doesn't love life (presumably drinking alone) and wishes to recapture past glory.
- Description, I had a very good mental image of what was going on.
- Writing, if there were any mistakes, I didn't see them.
What I didn't like:
Overall, very competent, just not what this single reader is after. Keep it up! Have fun!
Done!
Whelp, that was a long ride. Only took me like... 7 hours... Hope you found my input at least a little helpful!
Everyone is going to have a great time scrolling past this to get to the bottom of the page! Ha! Suckers!
The ol' backlog is finally empty, awaiting new submissions!
