The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[SurfAngel_1031]

Thank you for the feedback. I am, of course, well aware of my infodump problem. I will be going through things and editing them with this in mind. I maaaay have gotten a little bogged down in the details. To explain the different tenses, mostly experimenting to see which works best. I am, of course, extremely inexperienced. While I do feel that i've gotten much better in later chapters, my earlier chapters certainly leave much to be desired. I will absolutely be fixing the info dumping, and I hope that the next time this one requests a review, that it will be much more favorable.
My research indicated that was the size of Ohio/new zealand. I will also be focusing much less on the arbitrary descriptions and math. I really need to go back and edit the chapters for their consistency. My conversions were extremely off... too used to using imperial. Thank you.
You tore me apart quite well.

I'm not sure tearing you apart was the point. I've read the same chapters myself. I see what the chicks brought up and that's pretty solid as I can tell.

My reading, I wanted to get the gist of the story as well. So I have a few questions/thoughts.

What was the point to setting up all of the things concerning the earth and it's creatures since the reality break, to not use any of it?

You go into the races and species, then take us directly underground for.. I think it was 3 months of walking in the dungeon, then to escape and go into slime mode. What's more, the last part of chapter 2 was all about the slime learning to move.

I also had a bit of a problem with the part in the prologue, where you get into ur-power. You say humanity uses it, then say all species use it or can use it... Very confusing to me.

I also didn't like the trick of chapter 1 being in the prologue. That was confusing.

Chapter 2 (or 3 depending on the numbering system) seemed a bit out of order. You had the guy escaping from the dungeon in 3rd person into the moonlit night, swap to first person... Then go back to 3rd person just to go back over the moonlit dungeon again.

Personally, I just would like to know your thought to process. :)

Thanks

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

prologue, ch 1, and ch 2 were written in in a haze in like one night while on a million painkillers my doctor put me on to deal with a medical thing, while ALSO undergoing severe depression and brain fog. i was on that stuff for months, and it kinda made my writing really bad. if you're looking for thought process, that's about it. i wouldn't know, i wasn't fully present at the time. by the time i was able to come to my senses some months later, i was already 10 chapters and 30k words in and it was too late to fix anything.
in other words, i repeated my self and was inconsistent bc i literally could not remember having written it or not, even after multiple rereads. that's actually been quite distressing to me.
Also didn't really have any clear direction for what i wanted the plot to be, and only recently have i fleshed that out. also was the first actual writing i've done in years. would like to think later chapters have gotten slightly better at this as i've read more and practiced more. a little annoyed that the first chapters and end chapters weren't compared to see if i worked on any of that at all, and feel that that may have biased opinions some. ofc, that's only my own subjective opinion.

just checked, and you're right, my ch1 is in the prologue for some gods darned reason. whose bright idea was that? huh? also, i could have sworn i did something about that.
if you want to see how truly awful my first draft was, i've attached it.

Thank you for the insight. I've rewritten things before, so I know where you are coming from. I've been at a point where I had written over 100 pages of story, just to go back and edit it and find that 80 of the old didn't fit anymore. So good luck.

 

[quagma]

Personally, I just would like to know your thought to process. :)

Honestly, we just hoped that by having it all at the beginning like that would mean that it wouldn't need to be brought up again. Kinda like a glossary, of sorts. We have since learned the error of our ways. Heres hoping that the next time we bring in a sample of our feed that it passes the initial taste test. We thank you for your time.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

A little annoyed that the first chapters and end chapters weren't compared to see if i worked on any of that at all, and feel that that may have biased opinions some. ofc, that's only my own subjective opinion.

You mentioned and this chick has done corrected your distress. Though, next time, a direct question, as has been mentioned before in the thread, would have been the better approach. But since it was easily corrected:

Chapter 13:​

1. Story time: "It was their brains, their hearts, their very essence, hardened into a small gem or marble laying somewhere deep within themselves. A monster’s core is its animating force, as well as the source of their supernatural abilities." Look what this chick found? Past + Present in the same paragraph! They should be agreeing…

Conclusion:

Although quite a bit of time has passed, your mistakes, while not of the logic kind (those this chick has already kind of accepted) remain. Structurally speaking, your text still has not decided whether it wants to be narrated in the present tense or in the past tense. This is due to how you are separating your "Thoughts" from your "Speech". An Italic, while it does make things more visible, also does not completely separate the action from normal narrative process. Some thoughts, in fact, are not even italicized! This is something that should be addressed if you desire to achieve consistent narrative verb tense through and through.

 

[quagma]

You mentioned and this chick has done corrected your distress. Though, next time, a direct question, as has been mentioned before in the thread, would have been the better approach. But since it was easily corrected:

Chapter 13:​

1. Story time: "It was their brains, their hearts, their very essence, hardened into a small gem or marble laying somewhere deep within themselves. A monster’s core is its animating force, as well as the source of their supernatural abilities." Look what this chick found? Past + Present in the same paragraph! They should be agreeing…

Conclusion:

Although quite a bit of time has passed, your mistakes, while not of the logic kind (those this chick has already kind of accepted) remain. Structurally speaking, your text still has not decided whether it wants to be narrated in the present tense or in the past tense. This is due to how you are separating your "Thoughts" from your "Speech". An Italic, while it does make things more visible, also does not completely separate the action from normal narrative process. Some thoughts, in fact, are not even italicized! This is something that should be addressed if you desire to achieve consistent narrative verb tense through and through.

Thank you. Sorry for not asking earlier, thats on us. Much appreciated. I honestly have no idea why our tenses keep getting mixed up, and will tackle every single issue you mentioned. Now that we're aware of the issues, we can more easily address them in the future, as well as during the rewrite.
Was sorta aware of the rest, thanks for articulating it, makes it easier to work on. Practice makes perfect, as they say, and we have a LONG way to go...

 

[Chaperone]

Dear chick, it would be great to have you feed upon my story. Any little nuggets would be appreciated.
Thanks.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/783282/the-unusual-shepherd--progression-fantasymonster-tamer/

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Dear chick, it would be great to have you feed upon my story. Any little nuggets would be appreciated.
Thanks.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/783282/the-unusual-shepherd--progression-fantasymonster-tamer/

Greetings, Chaperone. Thank you for your offering, the pen has returned with feedback.

Initially, chapters Prologue, 30 and 62 have been read. You have a solid narrative technique which is marked with a few inconsistencies here and there. A few spelling mistakes, strange choice of words and strange scene transitions mark your otherwise appealing text.

Chapter Prologue:​

1. Narrative transition: "Then why do they feel so real?", "Looking back on all these endless dreams". You are making use of a flashback, which is all fine and dandy, but it would be interesting if you mark your transition better. During the flashback you are using a different narrator; your verbs are in the past tense, whereas outside they are in the present tense, which is OK. A better demarcation of transition between what is past event and what is present event is what this not-dead chick suggests. A flashback is, after all, a change in Point of View.

Chapter 30:​

1. Accent: "they specifically went against my own orda to attempt to assist you," "You would undermine me in my tribe and orda my warriors around." Accents are tricky things. They add diversity to the novel, and while this chick understands this is what you are trying to add, this is also not how they work. Someone who would speak "order" as /orda/ would also have other patterns in their speech. Would it be "slither" into /slitha/? Perhaps, after all, both are quite similar sounds.

Chapter 62:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "I volt back from the sudden groping" Volt as in electricity, or is this something else? Meaning does not seem electrical, though.

Conclusion:

You have a solid style which is peppered with the occasional quirky word here and there. They are slangs which you use, or out of context word. There has also been that flashback that you did not transition into nor out of very well, but you have not been the first, nor will be the last one doing such. All in all, your text is interesting. It's well written, understandable and quite enjoyable as a whole. A few adjustments here and there for consistency's sake are all you need to make the experience even better. Spelling mistakes perhaps?

Good day, Dreamy Writer.

 

[Chaperone]

Greetings, Chaperone. Thank you for your offering, the pen has returned with feedback.

Initially, chapters Prologue, 30 and 62 have been read. You have a solid narrative technique which is marked with a few inconsistencies here and there. A few spelling mistakes, strange choice of words and strange scene transitions mark your otherwise appealing text.

Chapter Prologue:​

1. Narrative transition: "Then why do they feel so real?", "Looking back on all these endless dreams". You are making use of a flashback, which is all fine and dandy, but it would be interesting if you mark your transition better. During the flashback you are using a different narrator; your verbs are in the past tense, whereas outside they are in the present tense, which is OK. A better demarcation of transition between what is past event and what is present event is what this not-dead chick suggests. A flashback is, after all, a change in Point of View.

Chapter 30:​

1. Accent: "they specifically went against my own orda to attempt to assist you," "You would undermine me in my tribe and orda my warriors around." Accents are tricky things. They add diversity to the novel, and while this chick understands this is what you are trying to add, this is also not how they work. Someone who would speak "order" as /orda/ would also have other patterns in their speech. Would it be "slither" into /slitha/? Perhaps, after all, both are quite similar sounds.

Chapter 62:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "I volt back from the sudden groping" Volt as in electricity, or is this something else? Meaning does not seem electrical, though.

Conclusion:

You have a solid style which is peppered with the occasional quirky word here and there. They are slangs which you use, or out of context word. There has also been that flashback that you did not transition into nor out of very well, but you have not been the first, nor will be the last one doing such. All in all, your text is interesting. It's well written, understandable and quite enjoyable as a whole. A few adjustments here and there for consistency's sake are all you need to make the experience even better. Spelling mistakes perhaps?

Good day, Dreamy Writer.

Thanks for taking the time to read through those chapters. I will have another crack at that tricky prologue, felt like a good idea so so so long ago. I'll consider your other points while I'm doing my edit. Churrs chux

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thanks for taking the time to read through those chapters. I will have another crack at that tricky prologue, felt like a good idea so so so long ago. I'll consider your other points while I'm doing my edit. Churrs chux

Understand, this chick does not wish you to cut off on the slangs! They add diversity to an otherwise dry text. The out-of-context is the problem. Same with the spelling mistakes. A bit more of care perhaps? Were those words chosen on purpose and this chick the one who failed to understand, that might have been the issue. In that case, what this chick suggests is to consider whom you are writing for and whether they detain the same word knowledge that you do. That would be all.

 

[Chaperone]

Understand, this chick does not wish you to cut off on the slangs! They add diversity to an otherwise dry text. The out-of-context is the problem. Same with the spelling mistakes. A bit more of care perhaps? Were those words chosen on purpose and this chick the one who failed to understand, that might have been the issue. In that case, what this chick suggests is to consider whom you are writing for and whether they detain the same word knowledge that you do. That would be all.

Understood, the slang actually plays a subtle part in the foreshadowing of a betrayal later down the line. However, I am reading it in a specific British (commonish and Northenesc) accent that readers may not pick up on. I suppose we roll the ball and hope people can collect sometimes. Thanks again.

 

[DiBltz]

Pls bless me oh great chicken
Mythological Legacies | Scribble Hub

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Pls bless me oh great chicken
Mythological Legacies | Scribble Hub

Greetings, DiBltz. Thanks for your offering, however, we politely reject!

After having read the first few lines of your Prologue, we have come to the conclusion it is something which is very much toxic to our very being! Not to be rude, we would like to point out the following:

Prologue:​

1. Referential confusion: "Millenniums have passed but I have finally awoken." Not awoken, perhaps awakened would have sounded better.
2. Narrative time: "All powerhouses in the Verse now knew. Armageddon Has begun." Knew and has? It should have been "had".

Conclusion:

Not to be rude, but your theme is something this bird is averse to, it is "Power Fantasy", getting drunk in powers which make little sense to the inhabitants of this chicken pen. While your first chapter has also been tested, not much success was achieved, and therefore, not much will be said about it.
Have fun writing, Power Writer!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Reincarnated as the Goddess of the sea.

A new goddess creates her first world. To run the world she needs help, she gets this help by reincarnating three people into the three nature goddesses of the sea, land and sky. Follow as the protagonist learns what it is like to be the goddess of the sea in...

www.scribblehub.com

Currently being rewritten, but can't hurt to see what needs to be improved... I think

Hey there Kraken1!

Although I am not one of the chicks, I was told by a little chick that you wanted a bit of feedback on your story. So with that in mind I thought I would add in my 2 cents.

First, I read chapters 1-4 mainly because I had the story on my reading list to begin with. Second, it kept the story in order so I didn't spoil any surprises or get confused by jumping around.

So let me get started!

• Unlike the chicks, I thought the use of the parentheses to delineate the characters wasn't bad and in fact made it easier for me to understand given the mystery of who the starting characters were. Is it a correct method of writing? I don't honestly know. I can only tell you I didn't mind it and to me it was a unique spin.
• Within Chapter 2, you go into the powers of the Sea Goddess. The Create divine helpers was a little confusing at the end.
  • "The race you create will travel the world to protect the ocean where you can't." - I have to ask how if she has complete control over all water no matter what the form based on the "Complete Authority" power, why can't she go somewhere in the ocean - and her servants can? Maybe rework that sentence?
• I like the way you have Ziella speaking up without even trying and keeps the water goddess from being too confused all at once. Fun little twist.
• If she is to develop life and make sure it is evolving correctly, why is this line later on:
  • "Going outside I see that some life has started to form under the sea. There is now some small plant life that looks like seaweed there are also some small animals that will likely become fish eventually." - Shouldn't she already inherently know how the sealife is going in order to keep it evolving correctly? Just something to take a look at. It isn't story shattering.
• At the end of Chapter 3 and beginning of Chapter 4 you give a description of the Goddess of land:
  • "I immediately surface and head south to find my sister. I eventually reach the island. On it is a woman who looks like she is in her twenties she has green skin and dark green hair. Her entire body is covered in plants that also act as her clothing in the form of a dress."
  • "She has light green skin and dark green hair with bright golden eyes. Her body is covered in various plants such as vines and flowers that decorate her body. These plants also make up her clothes in the form of a dress that is primarily brown that goes down to her knees. Her hair is tied up in one single large braid that is decorated with flowers of various colours."
  • Maybe a small edit to combine the two ideas into one? It's repetitive.

That's all I saw that I honestly questioned!
I saw that later you said you were rewriting the story.
While that is a fine idea, if you aren't happy with the outcome, I don't see much in the 4 chapters I have read that need to be changed.

I personally love the structure of how the LitRPG is for the story thus far. You add in the "sheet" and "powers" as you need to and they make sense to what a goddess would in fact have access too.
I am still very new to the LitRPG genre, so I can safely tell you that the story is fairly easy to read and understand unlike others that I have browsed and couldn't wrap my head around.
I will say that your idea to change up the names a bit, is likely a fine one. With distinct names, the reader will be able to recall the different goddesses without much trouble.

Overall?
I think the four chapters I read were quite good. I see why you have the readers you have.
Editing for punctuation you are aware of, so fixing that will certainly help in the long run.
Try and keep one little thing in mind - Not every reader will be 100% familiar with the genre or the subject matter. So unless you tell the reader, We honestly don't know what is going on.

Bonus: With this story and one other, I am seeing the differences in good LitRPG and bad. I am interested in the genre where I wasn't - thanks in part to your story.

I hope this helps a bit!

 

[Mikan_Citrus]

I am new to Scribble Hub, and I shall be taking up the Chicken Pen's offer, so here is my story, and I request only the most constructive of feedback and comments.

Arisaka: Celestial Violet (Action Packed Urban Fantasy!)

The Republic of Arisaka stands tall as the most powerful nation in the entire world. However, even this almighty superpower state of extraordinary metahumans and mages have struggled with an ancient conflict, one that has raged on for millennia—the war between humans, demons, and all sorts of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I am new to Scribble Hub, and I shall be taking up the Chicken Pen's offer, so here is my story, and I request only the most constructive of feedback and comments.

Arisaka: Celestial Violet (Action Packed Urban Fantasy!)

The Republic of Arisaka stands tall as the most powerful nation in the entire world. However, even this almighty superpower state of extraordinary metahumans and mages have struggled with an ancient conflict, one that has raged on for millennia—the war between humans, demons, and all sorts of...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for taking a chance on the chicks. Hopefully they will be hungry!

 

[Kraken1]

Hey there Kraken1!

Although I am not one of the chicks, I was told by a little chick that you wanted a bit of feedback on your story. So with that in mind I thought I would add in my 2 cents.

First, I read chapters 1-4 mainly because I had the story on mu reading list to begin with. Second, it kept the story in order so I didn't spoil any surprises or get confused by jumping around.

So let me get started!

• Unlike the chicks, I thought the use of the parentheses to delineate the characters wasn't bad and in fact made it easier for me to understand given the mystery of who the starting characters were. Is it a correct method of writing? I don't honestly know. I can only tell you I didn't mind it and to me it was a unique spin.
• Within Chapter 2, you go into the powers of the Sea Goddess. The Create divine helpers was a little confusing at the end.
  • "The race you create will travel the world to protect the ocean where you can't." - I have to ask how if she has complete control over all water no matter what the form based on the "Complete Authority" power, why can't she go somewhere in the ocean - and her servants can? Maybe rework that sentence?
• I like the way you have Ziella speaking up without even trying and keeps the water goddess from being too confused all at once. Fun little twist.
• If she is to develop life and make sure it is evolving correctly, why is this line later on:
  • "Going outside I see that some life has started to form under the sea. There is now some small plant life that looks like seaweed there are also some small animals that will likely become fish eventually." - Shouldn't she already inherently know how the sealife is going in order to keep it evolving correctly? Just something to take a look at. It isn't story shattering.
• At the end of Chapter 3 and beginning of Chapter 4 you give a description of the Goddess of land:
  • "I immediately surface and head south to find my sister. I eventually reach the island. On it is a woman who looks like she is in her twenties she has green skin and dark green hair. Her entire body is covered in plants that also act as her clothing in the form of a dress."
  • "She has light green skin and dark green hair with bright golden eyes. Her body is covered in various plants such as vines and flowers that decorate her body. These plants also make up her clothes in the form of a dress that is primarily brown that goes down to her knees. Her hair is tied up in one single large braid that is decorated with flowers of various colours."
  • Maybe a small edit to combine the two ideas into one? It's repetitive.

That's all I saw that I honestly questioned!
I saw that later you said you were rewriting the story.
While that is a fine idea, if you aren't happy with the outcome, I don't see much in the 4 chapters I have read that need to be changed.

I personally love the structure of how the LitRPG is for the story thus far. You add in the "sheet" and "powers" as you need to and they make sense to what a goddess would in fact have access too.
I am still very new to the LitRPG genre, so I can safely tell you that the story is fairly easy to read and understand unlike others that I have browsed and couldn't wrap my head around.
I will say that your idea to change up the names a bit, is likely a fine one. With distinct names, the reader will be able to recall the different goddesses without much trouble.

Overall?
I think the four chapters I read were quite good. I see why you have the readers you have.
Editing for punctuation you are aware of, so fixing that will certainly help in the long run.
Try and keep one little thing in mind - Not every reader will be 100% familiar with the genre or the subject matter. So unless you tell the reader, We honestly don't know what is going on.

Bonus: With this stroy and one other, I am seeing the differences in good LitRPG and bad. I am interested in the genre where I wasn't - thanks in part to your story.

I hope this helps a bit!

Thank you for the feedback!

 

[fluffypie374]

Fluffypie places a novel onto the sacrificial altar.

The chick that doesn't belong to this forum. The mysterious ruler above the place of opinions. The King of Yellow and Orange who wields the chicken pen. I pray to you, praying for the opinion that stems from mystery, and praying for the bestowment that stems from what you eat...

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I am new to Scribble Hub, and I shall be taking up the Chicken Pen's offer, so here is my story, and I request only the most constructive of feedback and comments.

Arisaka: Celestial Violet (Action Packed Urban Fantasy!)

The Republic of Arisaka stands tall as the most powerful nation in the entire world. However, even this almighty superpower state of extraordinary metahumans and mages have struggled with an ancient conflict, one that has raged on for millennia—the war between humans, demons, and all sorts of...

www.scribblehub.com

Greetings, Mikan_Citrus. Thank you for choosing The Chicken Pen. The chicks have accepted your feed and come back with opinions.

For the purpose of this feedback, chapters 1, 3 and 11 have been read. The chicks wondered about what was written in your synopsis but overall, considering you have already finished your edits, reviews, and are even selling the complete version, decided to take note only of the problems found throughout your chapters.

Chapter 1:​

1. Repetitive Ideas: "That was until I finally had enough energy to fully awaken and regain my consciousness. The first things I saw when I woke up," "The first things I saw when I woke up were always the same; everyday felt like the same thing anyway. Same house, same environment, same routine, or rather lack thereof." You love repeating your ideas. In fact, you need to do it 3 times when you say something. This happens on all your chapters. It's your style even! It's not good, though, because the way you do it is repeating the same words or same meaning. You could really instead add to the situation if you're going to write this way.
2. Incongruent Idea: "There was the hallway leading into the kitchen (…) A kitchen was intended to be (…) I left the kitchen and turned toward the stairs." You include a hallway yet never mention it. Why? They never get into the kitchen. However, they get out of it nonetheless. How? Another one, quoteless: your MC lives in the basement but loves the outdoor? This is very weird considering they have the whole house for themselves! You wouldn't expect people who stay willingly underground to be lovers of the outdoors! They could have always gone to spend time elsewhere in the house where it's not as "cave-like".

Chapter 11:​

1. Incongruent Idea: "I’m pretty nervous about this, but I trust you Hero. I trust you and I love you, so now deflower your precious Violet.” She showed me a smile of pure joy. In the middle of all this steamy sexual tension, that adorable expression she had made my heart melt." Nervous? If there's something about these two first timers, is that NONE of them were nervous, both were naturals. In fact, this chapter was so full of incongruences (problems with trying to understand your meaning, with what exactly you were trying to say, yet we could not come to agree with) that the less we speak about, the better. Let's keep it for the conclusion, shall we?

Conclusion:
You have this style which you really should work on: it's not cool to repeat the same words in a roll meaning the same thing when you don't have some deeper meaning behind them. It's so common throughout your writing (it happens on all 3 chapters that have been read by us) that it would be quite a surprise to not find it on your other chapters instead. There's a difference between adding to a point and simply being repetitive, and you're being the latter, this bird is afraid.

As for your chapter 11, it was a whole Macho dream that the chicks were struggling to finish reading it by the end. There was nothing wholesome about that lewd scene. They were like two porn stars acting instead of two people who had met for the first time in bed. It was a total bad business practice of yours to put the word "Wholesome" there but anyway, if you think that is wholesome, all we can say is that these chicks are surprised about what times are coming to. Overall, the same repetitiveness that could be found on your other chapters could also be found here, yet in our opinion, we had already grown somewhat used to, however, it does not mean it's not something you might want to work at, if you desire to achieve a better quality.

Have a good day, Angelic Author.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Fluffypie places a novel onto the sacrificial altar.

The chick that doesn't belong to this forum. The mysterious ruler above the place of opinions. The King of Yellow and Orange who wields the chicken pen. I pray to you, praying for the opinion that stems from mystery, and praying for the bestowment that stems from what you eat...

Greetings fluffypie374. The chicken pen has accepted your feed and comes back with some opinion.

For the purpose of this return, chapters 1, 3 and 16 have been read. While you have a few problems here and there, and one major one which makes your novel difficult to be approached by people who are not familiar with Xianxia, as you progress, your problems seem to get fewer, not to mean they are not completely absent. That is due to the nature of what this chick has observed.

Chapter 1:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "They would be able to see a sect chained together by multiple multiple rocky mountain peaks," "The silence was punctuated only by the soft rustle of leaves and the distant echoes of beasts prowling in the endless forest, their roars mixed with the faint cries of the newly arriving disciples undergoing the cruel entrance trial." "His head lowered in decadence." A sect is not a physical structure, it's a metaphysical idea that binds people together. Is it silence, or are there animals and people making a ruckus in the background? Decide for yourself, author. Decadence: A state of moral or artistic decline or deterioration. So are these chicks to assume he was having a moral conundrum? It sure does not seem to be the case considering the text. If you do not know the meaning of words, you should avoid using them.
2. Repeated Ideas: "multiple multiple rocky mountain peaks", "Below, spanning a vast distance like a sea, the ancient trees that guarded the sect's mountains (…) their gnarled branches stretching like ancient guardians against the canvas of the fog-laden sky."Multiple multiple? Because guarding the sect is not enough to say they were guardians, is that it?

Chapter 3:​

1. Repeated Words: "As if responding to him (…) As if seeing hope." You repeat these quite close to each other.
2. Idea Incongruence: "A Qi gathering formation? This is something that I’ve only heard of, only available in cultivation abodes. This formation… I wonder what level it is…" If he's never seen one, how does one know what it does? Because they see qi gathering? What if instead of gathering, it absorbs? A qi absorbing formation instead!

Conclusion:

With problems which have direct quotes addressed, let's talk about the ones which are not so direct. Nowhere in chapter 1 do you introduce your Xianxia terms, which means that people who are not familiar with the terms will have to do their own research if they wish to understand what you are talking about.

Second, you use quite specific terms which are very familiar in the Xianxia scene, such as "Golden Finger", and by Scene I mean translation scene. Other words were also misused, which makes it seems like you are translating this text from a Chinese Novel to English and that you do not know enough English to write something coherent. This is because there are several other words which are more often used in common English than "Golden Finger" if you meant to say "Cheat". Whereas it might sound unique, it is also excluding.

While you do have a wealthy of knowledge of the Xianxia terminology, and these parts of the novel progress quite nicely (the chick which had some familiarity with the genre was able to understand it quite well) whenever you decide delve in something a bit apart from Xianxia your terms grow somewhat "weird". AI is not ready to really review human written words if what you are expecting is completely coherent sentences. It is known for hallucinating, and delusions is what you will also get.

Nothing else to add at the moment, the chicken pen hopes you good ink, Cultivation Writer.

 

[fluffypie374]

Greetings fluffypie374. The chicken pen has accepted your feed and comes back with some opinion.

For the purpose of this return, chapters 1, 3 and 16 have been read. While you have a few problems here and there, and one major one which makes your novel difficult to be approached by people who are not familiar with Xianxia, as you progress, your problems seem to get fewer, not to mean they are not completely absent. That is due to the nature of what this chick has observed.

Chapter 1:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "They would be able to see a sect chained together by multiple multiple rocky mountain peaks," "The silence was punctuated only by the soft rustle of leaves and the distant echoes of beasts prowling in the endless forest, their roars mixed with the faint cries of the newly arriving disciples undergoing the cruel entrance trial." "His head lowered in decadence." A sect is not a physical structure, it's a metaphysical idea that binds people together. Is it silence, or are there animals and people making a ruckus in the background? Decide for yourself, author. Decadence: A state of moral or artistic decline or deterioration. So are these chicks to assume he was having a moral conundrum? It sure does not seem to be the case considering the text. If you do not know the meaning of words, you should avoid using them.
2. Repeated Ideas: "multiple multiple rocky mountain peaks", "Below, spanning a vast distance like a sea, the ancient trees that guarded the sect's mountains (…) their gnarled branches stretching like ancient guardians against the canvas of the fog-laden sky."Multiple multiple? Because guarding the sect is not enough to say they were guardians, is that it?

Chapter 3:​

1. Repeated Words: "As if responding to him (…) As if seeing hope." You repeat these quite close to each other.
2. Idea Incongruence: "A Qi gathering formation? This is something that I’ve only heard of, only available in cultivation abodes. This formation… I wonder what level it is…" If he's never seen one, how does one know what it does? Because they see qi gathering? What if instead of gathering, it absorbs? A qi absorbing formation instead!

Conclusion:

With problems which have direct quotes addressed, let's talk about the ones which are not so direct. Nowhere in chapter 1 do you introduce your Xianxia terms, which means that people who are not familiar with the terms will have to do their own research if they wish to understand what you are talking about.

Second, you use quite specific terms which are very familiar in the Xianxia scene, such as "Golden Finger", and by Scene I mean translation scene. Other words were also misused, which makes it seems like you are translating this text from a Chinese Novel to English and that you do not know enough English to write something coherent. This is because there are several other words which are more often used in common English than "Golden Finger" if you meant to say "Cheat". Whereas it might sound unique, it is also excluding.

While you do have a wealthy of knowledge of the Xianxia terminology, and these parts of the novel progress quite nicely (the chick which had some familiarity with the genre was able to understand it quite well) whenever you decide delve in something a bit apart from Xianxia your terms grow somewhat "weird". AI is not ready to really review human written words if what you are expecting is completely coherent sentences. It is known for hallucinating, and delusions is what you will also get.

Nothing else to add at the moment, the chicken pen hopes you good ink, Cultivation Writer.

Praise the Chick~