There is a bit of writing clunk I shall file under second language and not mention. You are pretty overzealous with the new lines. For example;
“Please do not panic. You are merely dead.”, a female voice tells me.
I can’t really see anything. Everything is just a blur.
I faintly see a hand reaching out to me. It is impatient.
I accept it and the person leads me to what seems to be a desk with a computer on it.
A desk? Great, the afterlife is a goddamn bureaucracy... is this hell?
I know I wasn’t the best person in life, ugh, was I?
My memory is as fuzzy as my vision.
I look back and it seems I was in some kind of sci-fi capsule. I hope we don't go the matrix route here.
I ask her “Can you tell me what is going on here?”
I can barely see that she seems to fiddle around with a clock on the desk.
Could be written and read more cleanly as;
“Please do not panic. You are merely dead.”, a female voice tells me. I can’t really see anything. Everything is just a blur. I faintly see a hand reaching out to me. It is impatient. I accept it and the person leads me to what seems to be a desk with a computer on it. A desk? Great, the afterlife is a goddamn bureaucracy... is this hell?
I know I wasn’t the best person in life, ugh, was I? My memory is as fuzzy as my vision. I look back and it seems I was in some kind of sci-fi capsule. I hope we don't go the matrix route here.
“Can you tell me what is going on here?” I ask her. I can barely see that she seems to fiddle around with a clock on the desk.
Also, you don't need to note ooc stuff like him mishearing names. That is contextual. If you feel the need to absolutely put it in, then put it at the end to not mess with immersive experiences.
