Arrogant Young Master's Story Feedback

[ArrogantYoungMaster]

The soothing sound of running water lapping stone forcibly opens your eyes. You are now awake.

Spoiler: Skip if you do not want to read.

Taking note of the sight in front of you, you understand that you are sitting in a small, unknown garden pavilion. Lacquered, reddish-brown pillars bathed in moonlight hold the pavilion's roof without walls for support, granting you an open view above the pavilion's stone railing of the outside garden. Turning your gaze to the right, you see a lustrous stream flow beneath a wooden arch bridge that connects this pavilion to likely the rest of the courtyard. But where are you?

You hear a low-pitched voice from behind you. "Welcome, fellow daoist, to this one's private garden."

You rapidly jerk your whole body to face the person sitting across the table in front of you, who is currently pouring a fragrant tea from a teapot into two teacups. The dim lighting of a moonlit pavilion does not offer you a clear picture of the stranger, but from what you can discern, this stranger appears to be a white-robed man with long, black hair, a long, white beard, and a fair complexion. Ignoring the facial hair, the rest of his face appears no older than twenty-five years of age and... he looks oddly unperturbed by this situation.

The stranger finishes pouring tea and sets aside the teapot. An almost noiseless thump as he lays it atop a matted tray to his left. He pushes one of the teacups forward, and then looks directly at you.

"The rules are quite simple," the man plainly states before drinking a bit of tea. He leans forward, and with his other, free hand, he places a decorated jade slip on the table. The slip clacks crisply as he sets it on the table, and the stranger returns to his former resting position. "Use this jade slip and transfer your story through a [Link] of the [Scribble Hub] realm. Fellow daoist does not need to worry about the qi consumption; this is a special slip that uses very little qi."

You have several questions.

"This one will read a portion of it and give my thoughts on how enjoyable it was." The man pauses to stroke his beard.

You, in turn, also pause. '...Wait, is that a fake beard?'

After combing through his fake beard enough times, he continues, "And from what I read, this seat will rate your story on a scale from 'Cripple your cultivation right this instant, and I your great-grandfather will show mercy and leave your corpse intact,' to Heaven-defying Peak Primordial Supreme True Origin Golden Immortal Treasure."

You are taken aback once again. 'First a fake beard, now a threat. What's next?'

The stranger drinks more of his tea before looking to his left at the moon in the sky. "Other rules are... cultivation novels will be given priority." Suddenly, as if on command, a scroll appears behind the man and unravels its luminous contents. "They will be listed on here. Otherwise, this one will review the stories that arrive first. It may also be a slow process to review novels, and though there are currently no restrictions to the story...yet, this one dislikes most LitRPG, system, and fanfiction novels."

A moment of silence. The moment stretches longer, and you realize that this is all the stranger wanted to say.

You take this opportunity to collect your thoughts before cautiously asking the man wearing a fake beard, "Who are you, and where am I? And how did I get here? Did you kidnap me?"

The man replies, "Who am I is not important, and as this one has said earlier, welcome to my private garden. However, your last two questions, fellow daoist, are very humorous." He turns to look at you. "Because I did not kidnap you. You came here willingly."

You blink. "No I didn't."

"You know how you did."

"How?"

"You know exactly how." The man stares at you for a few more moments before he returns to moongazing. This time, he hums a few notes...

...You do not recognize the tune.

For the time being, you turn to look at the scroll hovering behind the stranger.

Spoiler: In illuminated text, the scroll reads:

List (Cultivation Novel Priority)

Nobody​

List (Regular)

Ravenswood [A Transmigration Isekai Fantasy]

I have placed my story before fake-beard master in hopes that his gaze shall leave the moon and fall upon my work.​

Charisma

I expected there to be a whole lot more people. Feedback sounded pretty great and thorough to me.​

Oh well! Here's my story! And... uhm... it's a System novel. The MC doesn't get access to the System until... *checks chapters* Chapter 16: A Magical System's Reflection. So you've got a long while to decide whether to leave while you still can before you deal with the MC's numbers going up.​

Edit: I loved the scene by the way. Absolutely hilarious, and honestly, despite the fake beard, that stranger is just plain badass. I LOVED IT! Pretty cool and innovative!​

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

Despite its small amount of chapters I would like some feedback for this story of mine if you would, and of course I'd accept the tea.​

...

(Printed further below are many lines of smaller sized, blue-green glowing symbols, although to you, none of it is readable. You even fail to recognize where a word begins and where it ends. You can, however, appreciate the small sketches of random animals that accompany this wall of mysterious text. One of these pictures depicts a deer and a rabbit grazing together.)​

Directly in front of you, the expensive-looking jade slip reflects a sliver of silver light, trying its best to attract your attention and remind you that it's there. To its side, a cup of fragrant tea coolly sits; steam from the tea rises and dissipates into the air. A little farther away lies the teapot who, after "cruelly" being separated from its teacup children, sobs in an exaggerated manner... you are not sure how you know this to be true.

You can still hear the stream gently splash against the pavilion's foundation.

---

(TLDR)

• Post your story's Scribble Hub link.
• I will read a portion of your story.
• I will review and rate what I've read.
• I prefer cultivation novels.
• I do not like LitRPG, system, and fanfiction, but you can still post them.
• Reviews may be slow.
• Did you drink the tea?

​

 

[HelloHound]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

my chapters are pretty short so you should be able to breeze through it
edit: went back and read the blurb (thanks for keeping my potential corpse intact at least)

 

[sanitylimited]

my young master replies with you are a swan that wants to eat pork. your fetish disgusts this young master. this young master shall liberate your fiance as she is curently at risk of not experiencing the pleasure of the flesh.

 

[Five6212]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/764812/ravenswood/

I have placed my story before fake-beard master in hopes that his gaze shall leave the moon and fall upon my work.

 

[ArrogantYoungMaster]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

my chapters are pretty short so you should be able to breeze through it
edit: went back and read the blurb (thanks for keeping my potential corpse intact at least)

You place the jade slip near the center of the table and wait.

The floating scroll loudly whirrs as a portion of the words brighten then vanish, and the stranger who had no reaction during the entire transmission process finally moves his gaze back to inside the pavilion. He calmly takes the slip and holds it close to his face.

For an instant, you see the stranger's eyes flash bright green. You blink. It's gone. Maybe that was only a pigment of your imagination?

The man stores the slip... somewhere... then crosses his arms. And soon, he speaks:

---

Spoiler: Feedback

This one has read up to Chapter 33: Naptime is Recommended, and this will likely be farther than most. The reason why I could read this far is because my passive Spelling and Grammar Eyes have not detected any major issues that obstruct your Writing Dao. Paragraphs are not too short and not too long; the variation in sentences is a sign of favorable feng-shui. In other words, your novel is easier to read compared to others.

Fellow daoist has written your main character in an interesting position, but there are issues in how you are portraying Sybil. I have realized you barely describe her appearance; the few descriptions of Sybil are "bile rat," "a two-armed paw-ko just covered in filth," "goblin," "yellow eyes," and "a small, skinny thing with wild hair." This will give readers a mental image of the character, but your story's cover describes her appearance way clearer. To be honest, without the story's cover, how this daoist imagines what Sybil looks like would have been much more different. What the Author Dao leaves incomplete, the cultivating reader fills in.

The reader's mental picture of Sybil falters in Chapter 6-7 because what she is able to do in those chapters surpasses the expected abilities of Chapter 1's description.

I cough out another cube and sit up from my crouched position, hunching as I inspect these small and unfamiliar hands. I flex them a few times to feel the dry skin straining around the thin bones. Pushing against the ground with these small hands I end up falling back heavily. Guess walking is out of the picture right now. I look around.

...

Closing my eyes I strain my ears to listen, but aside from distant shouting and much closer footsteps passing in front of the door, the area is quiet. Where is this? What are those people saying? Have I been kidnapped? Do I have amnesia- I could've sworn I wasn't a child but according to my guess, I'm...young. Young enough to be kidnapped, probably.

...

My body feels heavy; I must be tired. Or dying, but that seems a bit early into this kidnapping. Haven't even been ransomed off yet, how lazy of the kidnappers. C'mon, get on the bed. On the bed. Any second now and I'll will myself up! And get on that infested bed! Or...nope. My body is sinking down, further and further. I'm now curled up on the ground, arm nestled under my head. My eyes are insanely heavy. I must be drifting....of...f...(Chapter 1: A rude awakening)

Deeper in the bush, I poke my head out and see a group of five heavily armored knights? Of some sort, fighting a gigantic six-legged, and very angry, bug. The bug has large blades on its folded forearms that it uses to slash against the questing weapons, hissing.

The demon-bug kills another knight by slamming him headfirst into a tree near where I stood as a wet crunch and a splash of pinkish liquid misted onto my face. Ignoring the dampness on my face, I look at the still twitching corpse, hand axe still in his hand pushing forward, just a little, again and again. Still the body fights. I walk around to the side and gently pry the axe from the body’s clenched fist. Hefting the large weapon with both hands I hold it securely before looking around for a second rock to throw. I ought to help kill the bug as a return for this knight’s axe; no rocks to be found but there is a stick. (Chapter 6: Make Better Choices)

Bitch the bug is not very stealthy as it crashes into trees and shrubs as I scamper ahead on all fours. I lost the axe after throwing it at an outstretched forelimb. While it didn’t hit the limb with the sharp side, evidently it was enough for the bug to have a useless weapon dangling from its body as it rushes after me into every thorn bush I can bound into. (Chapter 7: Seafood delight)

In Chapter 1, Sybil is described as a very young, malnourished child. She struggles to walk and frequently sleeps, signs that point her age to about two or three years old. In Chapter 2, she had to exert herself for a prolonged duration to move a chair.

This mental image is called into question 5 chapters later, when she can be seen running on all fours and capable of wielding an adult's axe. I have found it difficult to pin these physical feats on a stunted two-year old. It is worse if you imagine Sybil holding an axe of the same height. Personally, this one cannot picture Sybil capable of anything other than "running" five steps in the opposite direction before tripping. She should not be this strong, and this daoist does not believe a stunted child's pair of stubby legs can outrun an adult-sized bug.


Another criticism is that I think you are moving the plot too slowly. From the discussion of an "escape plan," this one half-expected Ritugam to bring some type of plot progression. However, all I remember from the chapter is a noble's kid plunged Sybil's head into water and she was compensated afterward. Her savings have also not come into play yet, and she has not made any moves on changing her ostracized status, or made further efforts to find her mother, or tried understanding the true nature of her "cube-vomit."

Sybil is still allowing Chad and the other children to bully her without repercussions even though several years have passed. I think you succeeded in your writing to create a very appealing character to dislike. However, it also means that the dynamic has not changed, and you have made it very obvious that without this change, the other children will not stop. In several chapters, Sybil has been thinking of ways to confront Chad, but they seem more like false promises.


Certain minor details of the story may need revision. There are probably other details to revise, so this one suggests rereading your story from the beginning. Also, the capitalization of your chapter titles is inconsistent.

“I can do it,” he says plaintively, palms spread in front of him, “‘s just…reminds me of the bad times. I use’ta speak fancy all the time, didn’t stop Da’s kids from bootin’ me out here. Besides,” Now he’s leaning forward, “I think Lorn’s got a tail on me, an’ if I act too particular it’ll be bye-bye Loup, y’know?” (Chapter 19: A mention of friendly fratricide)

Who "Da" and "Da's kids" and who or what "Lorn" is are not too clear.

And kid, I'm sorry to tell you this, but this old lady wasn't blessed vertically...maybe your dad will have more of a hand than he ever did raising you. (Chapter 2: The Strange Woman)

"Maybe your dad will have more of a hand in that regard than he ever did raising you" flows better.


This one commends not rushing the separation between parent and child, but also recommends adding more. During the read, this one was unsure whether the mom expected Sybil to understand her words or not and when the mom had asked if anything is wrong, this daoist thought Sybil wanted to get the mom's attention about her "cube" problem.

Spoiler: Enjoyment, Comments, and Rating

From a general perspective, this daoist has found your story to be entertaining. Fellow daoist has given the main character an interesting background.

I'm in a single room, with a heavy door blocking out most of the light. There aren't any windows in here, but it must be pretty early in the day seeing as there's enough light to strain your eyes. Near the door is a leaning table with two chairs. Behind me is a wardrobe of some sort, empty. To my right is a squat bed with hay as a mattress; looking closely you can see the strands twitching with movement every now and then. I should stop looking at the bug-infested hay so that I don't have to sleep on the floor I just yucked on.

Closing my eyes I strain my ears to listen, but aside from distant shouting and much closer footsteps passing in front of the door, the area is quiet. Where is this? What are those people saying? Have I been kidnapped? Do I have amnesia- I could've sworn I wasn't a child but according to my guess, I'm...young. Young enough to be kidnapped, probably.

Can I speak? I should try to speak now, right? I open my mouth, thinking of the word 'Hello' to come out of my mouth. I expect the word to come out of my mouth, as I know the sounds necessary to say the word. I don't say 'Hello' I apparently say something that sounds like an iron gate creaking open. I cough another black cube out of my mouth immediately after. (Chapter 1: A rude awakening)

It’s been a few years since I was picked up and placed in her care, and I’ve been improving, though it’s mostly due to the various chores and jobs I’ve been assigned. Learning to actually know and speak the language wasn’t as hard as I thought, a few weeks of intense focus and I’m able to mouth along to the words said to me. A few days later I sound like I was trained for years; it’s pretty handy. (Chapter 10: Oh boy timeskip!)

Sybil, despite being a mortal toddler who knows nothing of the native language, is capable of correctly identifying household objects and understands abstract concepts such as kidnapping or amnesia, which adds a level of complexity to your Storytelling Formation. You have also developed some of the other side characters such as Raun, although other characters still appear rather unconditionally antagonistic and monotonous.

This one has also noticed your plans to gradually reveal what Sybil is. From the current hints that I have read, this daoist suspects Sybil is a demon trapped in the body of a human child. You have described the "demons" in the story to be wolf-like, and the general shape of Sybil's character parallels several aspects of a dog. This includes running on all fours, putting things she should not be putting in her mouth, and sharing the fear of baths with some dogs, even if the reasons are different. Given her ostracized status, is fellow daoist writing a "lone wolf?"


Finally, to end the review, I give this novel an official rating of:

[Comparable to an Incomplete and Demonic Version of the Dog Beating Staff Technique/10]
陰

陽​

The story shows promise of powerful martial arts, but needs further refinement to reach its true potential. It also reeks of demonic qi, mainly because the main character is probably a demon and the author enjoys making the main character suffer one-sidedly. Moreover, this one does not enjoy reading the experiences of a child drowning.

Congratulations, your grade is above the lowest rank by a respectable amount. It means I will not kill you, although I will be throwing you into the water outside.

---

As the stranger finishes, you no longer feel the force of gravity pressing down on you as your vision of the world rapidly flips. You are tossed into the stream.

 

[HelloHound]

You place the jade slip near the center of the table and wait.

The floating scroll loudly whirrs as a portion of the words brighten then vanish, and the stranger who had no reaction during the entire transmission process finally moves his gaze back to inside the pavilion. He calmly takes the slip and holds it close to his face.

For an instant, you see the stranger's eyes flash bright green. You blink. It's gone. Maybe that was only a pigment of your imagination?

The man stores the slip... somewhere... then crosses his arms. And soon, he speaks:

---

Spoiler: Feedback

This one has read up to Chapter 33: Naptime is Recommended, and this will likely be farther than most. The reason why I could read this far is because my passive Spelling and Grammar Eyes have not detected any major issues that obstruct your Writing Dao. Paragraphs are not too short and not too long; the variation in sentences is a sign of favorable feng-shui. In other words, your novel is easier to read compared to others.

Fellow daoist has written your main character in an interesting position, but there are issues in how you are portraying Sybil. I have realized you barely describe her appearance; the few descriptions of Sybil are "bile rat," "a two-armed paw-ko just covered in filth," "goblin," "yellow eyes," and "a small, skinny thing with wild hair." This will give readers a mental image of the character, but your story's cover describes her appearance way clearer. To be honest, without the story's cover, how this daoist imagines what Sybil looks like would have been much more different. What the Author Dao leaves incomplete, the cultivating reader fills in.

The reader's mental picture of Sybil falters in Chapter 6-7 because what she is able to do in those chapters surpasses the expected abilities of Chapter 1's description.



In Chapter 1, Sybil is described as a very young, malnourished child. She struggles to walk and frequently sleeps, signs that point her age to about two or three years old. In Chapter 2, she had to exert herself for a prolonged duration to move a chair.

This mental image is called into question 5 chapters later, when she can be seen running on all fours and capable of wielding an adult's axe. I have found it difficult to pin these physical feats on a stunted two-year old. It is worse if you imagine Sybil holding an axe of the same height. Personally, this one cannot picture Sybil capable of anything other than "running" five steps in the opposite direction before tripping. She should not be this strong, and this daoist does not believe a stunted child's pair of stubby legs can outrun an adult-sized bug.


Another criticism is that I think you are moving the plot too slowly. From the discussion of an "escape plan," this one half-expected Ritugam to bring some type of plot progression. However, all I remember from the chapter is a noble's kid plunged Sybil's head into water and she was compensated afterward. Her savings have also not come into play yet, and she has not made any moves on changing her ostracized status, or made further efforts to find her mother, or tried understanding the true nature of her "cube-vomit."

Sybil is still allowing Chad and the other children to bully her without repercussions even though several years have passed. I think you succeeded in your writing to create a very appealing character to dislike. However, it also means that the dynamic has not changed, and you have made it very obvious that without this change, the other children will not stop. In several chapters, Sybil has been thinking of ways to confront Chad, but they seem more like false promises.


Certain minor details of the story may need revision. There are probably other details to revise, so this one suggests rereading your story from the beginning. Also, the capitalization of your chapter titles is inconsistent.

Who "Da" and "Da's kids" and who or what "Lorn" is are not too clear.

"Maybe your dad will have more of a hand in that regard than he ever did raising you" flows better.


This one commends not rushing the separation between parent and child, but also recommends adding more. During the read, this one was unsure whether the mom expected Sybil to understand her words or not and when the mom had asked if anything is wrong, this daoist thought Sybil wanted to get the mom's attention about her "cube" problem.

Spoiler: Enjoyment, Comments, and Rating

From a general perspective, this daoist has found your story to be entertaining. Fellow daoist has given the main character an interesting background.


Sybil, despite being a mortal toddler who knows nothing of the native language, is capable of correctly identifying household objects and understands abstract concepts such as kidnapping or amnesia, which adds a level of complexity to your Storytelling Formation. You have also developed some of the other side characters such as Raun, although other characters still appear rather unconditionally antagonistic and monotonous.

This one has also noticed your plans to gradually reveal what Sybil is. From the current hints that I have read, this daoist suspects Sybil is a demon trapped in the body of a human child. You have described the "demons" in the story to be wolf-like, and the general shape of Sybil's character parallels several aspects of a dog. This includes running on all fours, putting things she should not be putting in her mouth, and sharing the fear of baths with some dogs, even if the reasons are different. Given her ostracized status, is fellow daoist writing a "lone wolf?"


Finally, to end the review, I give this novel an official rating of:

[Comparable to an Incomplete and Demonic Version of the Dog Beating Staff Technique/10]
陰 View attachment 20898 陽​

The story shows promise of powerful martial arts, but needs further refinement to reach its true potential. It also reeks of demonic qi, mainly because the main character is probably a demon and the author enjoys making the main character suffer one-sidedly. Moreover, this one does not enjoy reading the experiences of a child drowning.

Congratulations, your grade is above the lowest rank by a respectable amount. It means I will not kill you, although I will be throwing you into the water outside.

---

As the stranger finishes, you no longer feel the force of gravity pressing down on you as your vision of the world rapidly flips. You are tossed into the stream.

thanks for all your hard work and advice! I never noticed the disparity between her first couple days and the bug-fleeing but I suppose that can be a bit disarming (you also got extremely close to her secret about Her Deal!).
I'm not sure how to fix the pacing issue tbh and I can't focus all that great so that keeps me to short chapters in general but maybe later down the road I can save up for an editor or something; Thanks again! and now I have something in common after being thrown into a body of water lol

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

I expected there to be a whole lot more people. Feedback sounded pretty great and thorough to me.
Oh well! Here's my story! And... uhm... it's a System novel. The MC doesn't get access to the System until... *checks chapters* Chapter 16: A Magical System's Reflection. So you've got a long while to decide whether to leave while you still can before you deal with the MC's numbers going up.
Edit: I loved the scene by the way. Absolutely hilarious, and honestly, despite the fake beard, that stranger is just plain badass. I LOVED IT! Pretty cool and innovative!

 

[T.K._Paradox]

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

Despite its small amount of chapters I would like some feedback for this story of mine if you would, and of course I'd accept the tea.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

And of course I’ll drink the tea! I love tea!
Speaking of, I’ve got a quick horror story to share.

I was raving about some of my favorite teas, a wild grin stretching my face.

I pointed out to my little sister the delights of chocolate mint vs regular mint, as well as spice tea and my preference for black tea from the Earl Grey company, rather than Liptons.

Then, with a small smile so bone-chillingly sardonic I would have thought my bones would crack from temperature change, she committed an atrocity against reality itself.

A shocked gasp escaped my suddenly chilled lips, my tea forgotten in the face of this terror in my sister’s skin.

“Tea’s just flavored water though,” she said.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

“Tea’s just flavored water though,” she said.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I know! It’s so sad! It’s like saying blood is just water with heavy metal pollution! It misses all the delicious nuances and the real heart of what blood is!!!

 

[SummerSweetTea]

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...

www.scribblehub.com

I am open to hearing as many different viewpoints as I can so I would appreciate any feedback you can give.

 

[Rivertalon]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please review this book. You can just post on the thread.