Finished editing my story a little while ago, so it's about as cleaned up as I can make it. Feel free to be as blunt as you like, but there's no smut in it. I'd say a fair amount of violence when it happens though. It is segmented into "parts" though because of how it was originally 30 chapters, and I just overwrote them with the new versions. Still the same length as before, just didn't want to delete the old versions because of the comments and polls that were put up.
Freshly anointed cleric Tessa Vivuk aspires to be a Hero after having been saved by one as a child. But when she attempts to join the Heroes' Guild, the doors are shut on her. Unwilling to give up, she joins the Adventurers' Guild and believes she can earn enough recognition...
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Alright:
The Good
1. Easy to understand paragraphs.
2. Story is more or less what people who like adventure stories want to read.
3. If you like Tessa's personality and a coming of age story this is up your alley.
4. Any complaints I have are going to be very subjective, because I can't find anything seriously wrong with what you've written.
The Not Good (Again this is purely subjective and based on my preferences as a reader, your current audience may not have these preferences)
1. For me the intro was just... I don't know how to say.. generic. I felt like I've read this same thing over and over again and nothing is really new. I get Tessa is supposed to be young girl there and supposed to be impressionable but it's a generic start in the sense that showing child hood admiration feels like a rather cheap way to give motivation. Also, the character isn't going to be a child for more than one chapter so it doesn't give me a lot of relevant information on who Tessa should be now.
Is she going to take after the healer or the warrior like hero who slayed the dragons? I mean, are there more than one or two types of heroes? This is just chapter 1 however, and doesn't really give the reader much to really invest in when it comes to characters, maybe a little investment when it comes to the world.
2. Chapter 2 is pretty generic... meeting a friend and going to school with no important dialogue that really gives us a feel for Tessa yet, but it at least gives us the idea that Elves play a role in human society somewhat. As for chapter 3 and the letter... I don't know.. it didn't sit well with me. I guess it could be a good way of giving information about how Tessa got along with her parents.
3. Introduction of Adventurers... I get it might be slow burning but I feel like the whole intro via scene is mundane and boring. The story is about Tessa wanting to be a hero but we're still not clear on how she plans to do it or even a more clear and present goal. As far as I'm concerned the plot doesn't even feel like it's even started. Does the reader need an entire scene to know the difference between adventurers? You could have just written one paragraph about Tessa thinking about the difference without the entire discussion.
4. Too much of a generic tone:
Excerpt from Chapter 8 is where I noticed this more and more.
Looking back on it, Tessa realized a very weird contradiction between the professor and the textbook’s author. While her professor praised the general, the author demonized him. The textbook would constantly glorify and embellish the giant melees between armies, but had labeled this general negatively. She’d have to find that old textbook again to get her facts straight. But perhaps because it was so effective, it weirdly felt similar to Torgrak’s described method with a boulder. Keeping risks to a minimum and winning regardless of glory or fame.
First, I'm going to commend you that this is clear and and understandable writing, but the tone is very generic. The voice doesn't seem unique, nor is it concise. Generally when we talk about tone, the easiest to make is a concise tone where the writer doesn't waste words and get to the point, the second way is to make a uniquely voiced narration tone that you the author would write.
Strength of a concise tone is that it will give the reader the information in the fewest words possible, but weakness is that it'll sound generic so if the information isn't interesting then I the reader will get bored.
Strength of a unique tone is that it can turn mundane details into fun to read paragraphs, but weakness is if I the reader don't like the tone I'll find it frustrating to read.
Many authors use a combination of both depending on what it is they're describing.
5. As for the characters I have to admit that I usually don't care for a female protagonist unless she has certain traits or a charisma that makes it interesting for me to read. Generic protagonists who don't say much, aren't charismatic and have 1 dimensional goals are only readable if I can self insert myself, and I can't do that with a female character. In order to gain my attention, the character will need to have certain traits or a defining feature that makes her interesting.
Generally speaking, she'll have to be a 3 dimensional character with complex thoughts and emotions if I'm going to read about Tessa, which I haven't been able to see up to chapter 9... part 1... which is where I have given up.
My basic complaint is that you're focusing a lot on world building and her training, as well as some side characters that you're hoping the reader finds interesting in the beginning.
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Also, please understand that as a reader I'm very very particular over what I like to read and my dislike for your story or direction has nothing to do with the opinions of others. This is a blunt feed back thread, if the story has no problems in terms of grammar that are huge glaring flaws (which your story does not) then I will pick apart what I don't like and why I'm not continuing it.
It doesn't mean other readers won't like your story. There are lots of stories on SH that get into trending that I find incredibly boring.
). Tbh, not terribly interested in smut, but I suspect your serious stuff will be/is pretty good.
