Blurblurblurb

[RaizuN]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I couldn't really find anywhere else so here goes. I need a little help with my blurb. I asked some people about what I have right now, and the overwhelming sentiment I got back was that what I have is too long for a web serial blurb. So I went about rewriting it to match the style of most online novels I've read, but now I'm kinda conflicted on which one to use. Here's what I have at the moment:

A hundred and some years ago, Flux seeped into the world, infusing the atmosphere with a strange power. Invisible to the naked eye, it slowly integrated into the bodies of humans, wildly enhancing their strength and speed. Soon, the world was plunged into chaos as the world order changed, men and women wielding power from fantasy rising to success through bloody tempering. Eventually, governments fell and powerful gangs formed in the vacuum they left behind. The world was irreversibly altered, but a relative peace slowly rose from the rubble and soon settled over the new society.
–
Ruby is an orphaned girl, left to the streets of Toronto at a young age. Armed with nothing but an unshakable will and wild ambition, she fought her way through life with the goal of forming a world-class gang, despite her humble beginning. However, before she could take the first step towards realizing her dream, the world was once again thrust into chaos, utterly demolished by an invading force. With the change, however, came an opportunity: an exposure to an entirely new universe, filled with unique and diverse planets, and a society with a much more developed understanding of Flux.

Join Ruby as she is plunged headfirst into this vast universe full of danger, joy, lively characters, and so much more. Watch as she gathers friends and enemies on her journey into the pages of legends; as she grows step by step in strength until she reaches the pinnacle of Flux, unchallenged across the lands; as she forms an organization that alters history and the fate of the universe in ways no one could have predicted.

Join Ruby in this epic saga as she journeys across the universe of Crown!

As you can probably see, it is pretty long for a web serial. And it also tries to outline the entire story, which I now see is a problem. So instead, I made something more character-oriented and much shorter:

The shackles she was born into have given Ruby a craving for freedom that cannot be denied. The scars on her soul have lit a fire in her that pushes her harder than most, and as the universe throws her from one world to the next, she will wield that flame to protect her dreams and her people, and obliterate those who would seek to cage her once again.

As she navigates a life subject to the fickle whim of Fate, her simple wish for freedom will take her and her friends to heights beyond imagination, and alter the course of reality in ways no one could have predicted.

I'm...decently happy with what I have here, but I thought I should get some feedback on it before making the switch. So, what do you think? I'd love to hear you're opinions, and thank you for reading!

 

[GlassRose]

Well I'm tired I just skimmed, but the second is more digestible. Also, I don't know if this sentiment is common, but I always hate it when the blurb starts talking to the reader, which is delightfully absent from the second, in contrast with the first.

 

[RaizuN]

Well I'm tired I just skimmed, but the second is more digestible. Also, I don't know if this sentiment is common, but I always hate it when the blurb starts talking to the reader, which is delightfully absent from the second, in contrast with the first.

Ah yea, I meant to add that I just provided the original for a size comparison, I didn't expect anyone to fully read the whole thing. I can't say that I would, myself. But anyway, thank you for your input. I honestly didn't even consider that second point, to be honest. But now that I read it again, it does sound rather...pretentious, doesn't it?

Also, just out of curiosity, did you write that little poem thingy in gray under your post? Cuz I have to say, I don't usually enjoy poetry, but that is some very good writing!

 

[PancakesWitch]

i just write long synopsis, i dont really care lmao, just make a clickbaity title and people will read anyways

 

[SsemouyOnan]

You don't need no synopsis if your title is the size of one and you have a sexy anime girl on your cover

But yes, pick the second one. If you can make it 1 paragraph even better cause most readers just skim over that stuff anyways.

 

[GlassRose]

Also, just out of curiosity, did you write that little poem thingy in gray under your post? Cuz I have to say, I don't usually enjoy poetry, but that is some very good writing!

Yes I did, thanks! I've felt a little awkward about it, but I appreciate your appreciation!

 

[GoodPerson]

i just write long synopsis, i dont really care lmao, just make a clickbaity title and people will read anyways

As a reader, my soul has been penetrated.