Chapter 1 Feedback

Cipiteca396

Talks too much.
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Dead Link.

I got impatient and didn't finish it, but I got strong RWBY vibes from what I did read. Sorta nonsensical though. I don't know why a Prince would be answerable to whatever unnamed authority grabbed him, or why they would try to intimidate him with dumb law talk. Or why it would work. In general, the character isn't very Prince like.

Quimera should probably be capitalized, I assume it's just a 'unique' spelling of Chimera.

Actually, the synopsis seems extremely familiar. Is this a reupload?
Edit: Ah, no there was another thread about this. I read that already.
 
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EngineGear

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I don't know why a Prince would be answerable to whatever unnamed authority grabbed him, or why they would try to intimidate him with dumb law talk. Or why it would work.
He did cause property damage, in my book, that's a warrant for arrest.
 

LilTV1155

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I just published the first chapter of my story and looking for feedback.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/315598-radiant-cross-voyage--volume-/chapter/350255/
Yeah, dead link. Did you delete it?
He did cause property damage, in my book, that's a warrant for arrest.
That one, my friend is a justified cause. You can't have dukes, generals, and princes go around destroying things and being total hooligans about it. If that's a prince, that's no prince but a brat and idiot who would make his country go to ruins from debt or get rebellion cause too many people hated him for causing too much damages.

It's the unspoken law. You break it, you pay for it. Got no money, then it's the body. Could be whole or in pieces.
 

EngineGear

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Yeah, dead link. Did you delete it?
A better link, hopeful:

Daniel's no brat either. He's nice and well-meaning, but he can get a bit reckless when it comes to action. That's his main character flaw. Something he has to fix and reign in.
 

LilTV1155

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A better link, hopeful:

Daniel's no brat either. He's nice and well-meaning, but he can get a bit reckless when it comes to action. That's his main character flaw. Something he has to fix and reign in.
And he sound very careless.
I just published the first chapter of my story and looking for feedback.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/315598-radiant-cross-voyage--volume-/chapter/350255/
So what kind of feedback are you looking for?

If you asking for grammar and sentence structure, then I say that you need to separate dialogues from thoughts and actual story.

If you asking for how the story flow, then I say that you got a good start. But the main character sound like a kid couldn't make up his words for motive.

When you are asked by a teacher, do you have to like give three separate sentences about how your grandma fight off stuffs? Just say that you want to follow in Grandmother's footsteps to become an adventurer.
 
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EngineGear

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When you are asked by a teacher, do you have to like give three separate sentences about how your grandma fight off stuffs? Just say that you want to follow in Grandmother's footsteps to become an adventurer.
Let's just say he idolizes his grandmother to an exaggerated degree. He's bound to retell his grandma's stories, even though a sentence would be enough.
 

LilTV1155

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Let's just say he idolizes his grandmother to an exaggerated degree. He's bound to retell his grandma's stories, even though a sentence would be enough.
If that's the case, then shouldn't his response be like : "I want to be like my grandma who can take on the demon army!" or something like that?
 
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