Controversial Introduction Feedback. [CLOSED]

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Deleted member 113259

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I will rate your title, first sentence, first paragraph, and first chapter. Most ratings will just be the first chapter and title, but some may need the first sentence or paragraph to be isolated to critique. For example, if your introduction is deceptive it is because the first sentence or paragraph is nothing like the rest of your introduction.

Wasn't going to do this one because, unlike the summary thread, there are already more experienced writers giving first impressions feedback. I was however requested to do it so I might as well.
So post links to your stories here I'll insult them.
If your introduction is more than 1 chapter long, specify that in your request.
Only submit stories if you think your title and introduction could be better. If you know you did good what are you here for?

Scale:
Good: I would personally like it.
Adequate: The title and first chapter actually make the story sound interesting to a general audience and aren't lying about it.
Passable: It does its job as an introduction but still sounds too boring to read.
Deception: The title or introduction sounds cool but it misleads as to what the rest of the introduction or further story is.
Stroke-inducing: Couldn't read your story due to incoherency.
Cancer: Your story sounds like it would be a mild annoyance to read.
Vampire: Your story is an unholy abomination that sucks the life out of anyone that dares to get close to it.
Puppet: Your story is still an unholy abomination (and cringe), but it's bland and unchanging as if it was completely monotone.
Empty:
 
mcarrowen

mcarrowen

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Joined
Jul 9, 2023
Messages
19
Points
13
Hello~ I like your previous critique of my summary. I like it when someone tells me where I go wrong not just tell me my writing sucks. It sucks, I can accept that but pls stun me and break it to me with brutal honesty :)

Title: Death of a Fvckboi

Genre/Tag: Horror, Folklore, Malevolent shape-shifting creature, Small town crime

First line/sentence/paragraph of Chapter 1:
A funeral has a strange way of bringing relatives together for an unplanned reunion—even those who are estranged from us. In our case, I was the estranged one; or rather, as my now-dead cousin pointed out a few years ago, I had alienated myself from them. But who would have thought that the macabre death of my cousin Ferdie, the town's notorious fvckboi, would reunite us? And for better or worse, depending on which side you're on, his death started to unravel our town's diabolical secret.

Chapter 1: A Sense of Foreboding
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/803631-death-of-a-fvckboi/chapter/803634/
 
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D

Deleted member 113259

Guest
mcarrowen said:
Hello~ I like your previous critique of my summary. I like it when someone tells me where I go wrong not just tell me my writing sucks. It sucks, I can accept that but pls stun me and break it to me with brutal honesty :)

Title: Death of a Fvckboi

Genre/Tag: Horror, Folklore, Malevolent shape-shifting creature, Small town crime

First line/sentence/paragraph of Chapter 1:
A funeral has a strange way of bringing relatives together for an unplanned reunion—even those who are estranged from us. In our case, I was the estranged one; or rather, as my now-dead cousin pointed out a few years ago, I had alienated myself from them. But who would have thought that the macabre death of my cousin Ferdie, the town's notorious fvckboi, would reunite us? And for better or worse, depending on which side you're on, his death started to unravel our town's diabolical secret.

Chapter 1: A Sense of Foreboding
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/803631-death-of-a-fvckboi/chapter/803634/
Click to expand...
The good:
- Sets up the story in an intriguing way by linking the setup to the MC's conflict with his family.

The bad:
- Paragraph ends up repeating. Only mention estrangement once. Only mention the titular character's death once.
-Annoying censorship.
- The tag either spoils what you don't want revealed in the story yet, or you haven't properly set up your threat in the introduction. I hope there's a hint to the creature near the end of the first chapter to keep the momentum you built. Unfortunately, I can not currently see this chapter.

Rating: Adequate. Very minor fixes should be made.
 
M

MuseWeaver

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2022
Messages
16
Points
18
Would love feedback on my webnovel

www.scribblehub.com

Muse of Maven

A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
 
D

Deleted member 113259

Guest
Closed. My apologies to all that submitted.
 
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