Controversial Summary Feedback [CLOSED]

[Deleted member 113259]

Two of the guys with feedback threads are taking a break right now and I didn't see anyone do a thread on summaries even though summaries often suck.

So post the summaries of your stories here with a link to your story and I'll insult them.
Should you care about what I have to say? No. I'm just some guy on the internet that's not even going to read more than a couple of chapters of your actual stories. That's the point. Need to get y'all prepared for negative opinions based on very little. Only submit summaries if you think they could be better. If you know you did good what are you here for?

Scale:
Good: I would personally like it.
Adequate: The summary actually makes the story sound interesting to a general audience and isn't lying about it.
Passable: It does its job as a summary but still sounds too boring to read.
Deception: The summary sounds cool but it misleads as to what the actual story is (My summary falls under this one)
Stroke-inducing: Couldn't read the summary due to incoherency.
Cancer: Your story sounds like it would be a mild annoyance to read.
Vampire: Your story is an unholy abomination that sucks the life out of anyone that dares to get close to it.
Puppet: Your story is still an unholy abomination (and cringe), but it's bland and unchanging as if it was completely monotone.
Empty:

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Two of the guys with feedback threads are taking a break right now and I didn't see anyone do a thread on summaries even though summaries often suck.

So post the summaries of your stories here with a link to your story and I'll insult them.
Should you care about what I have to say? No. I'm just some guy on the internet that's not even going to read more than a couple of chapters of your actual stories. That's the point. Need to get y'all prepared for negative opinions based on very little. Only submit summaries if you think they could be better. If you know you did good what are you here for?

Scale:
Good: I would personally like it.
Adequate: The summary actually makes the story sound interesting to a general audience and isn't lying about it.
Passable: It does its job as a summary but still sounds too boring to read.
Deception: The summary sounds cool but it misleads as to what the actual story is (My summary falls under this one)
Stroke-inducing: Couldn't read the summary due to incoherency.
Cancer: Your story sounds like it would be a mild annoyance to read.
Vampire: Your story is an unholy abomination that sucks the life out of anyone that dares to get close to it.

Poor RepresentingEnvy...

 

[Zinless]

I feel like I can write mine better, any tips?

Synopsis
After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?!
Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in store, presenting them with a few unexpected obstacles along the way.
Now, they find themselves confronted with bandits, secret evil organizations, terrifying monsters, and... romance?

Reincarnated Into Two Bodies

After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?! Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Two of the guys with feedback threads are taking a break right now and I didn't see anyone do a thread on summaries even though summaries often suck.

So post the summaries of your stories here with a link to your story and I'll insult them.
Should you care about what I have to say? No. I'm just some guy on the internet that's not even going to read more than a couple of chapters of your actual stories. That's the point. Need to get y'all prepared for negative opinions based on very little. Only submit summaries if you think they could be better. If you know you did good what are you here for?

Scale:
Good: I would personally like it.
Adequate: The summary actually makes the story sound interesting to a general audience and isn't lying about it.
Passable: It does its job as a summary but still sounds too boring to read.
Deception: The summary sounds cool but it misleads as to what the actual story is (My summary falls under this one)
Stroke-inducing: Couldn't read the summary due to incoherency.
Cancer: Your story sounds like it would be a mild annoyance to read.
Vampire: Your story is an unholy abomination that sucks the life out of anyone that dares to get close to it.

I need to practice summarizing my stories so that I can recommend them, because I suck at both summarizing the main character and the story itself. Perhaps I'll be able to fix my synopsis by writing this summarization (synopsis incorporated into this). The link is in my signature.
Summary:
A happy-go-lucky teenager with a bubbly personality and the classic theater-kid demeanor goes about their daily life in a world filled with Magic.
Make sure to tiptoe around the gang's runic script or your face'll melt off.
Stats and the System permeate every facet of life, creating an altogether strange world founded on good emotions.
Beware of Torments. If you see the anti-Magic, Miasma, head to the nearest shelter or you will die. The Neighborhood Runic Association is not responsible for Torment-incurred injuries.
Follow the main character as they laugh their way through life... HA!... surrounded by friends and family.
And don't worry! Nothing bad happens to them.
Scout's honor.
Oh... wait. Hmmm... it doesn't make sense to use that phrase, if Señor Screaming Fingers eliminated every member of the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts... oops. Guess that doesn't work. Maybe you can figure out a replacement for that.
Guess you can't trust anything said then!

 

[Deleted member 113259]

I feel like I can write mine better, any tips?

Synopsis
After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?!
Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in store, presenting them with a few unexpected obstacles along the way.
Now, they find themselves confronted with bandits, secret evil organizations, terrifying monsters, and... romance?

Reincarnated Into Two Bodies

After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?! Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in...

www.scribblehub.com

Positives: To the point, accurate for the most part.
Negatives: Your summary is hollow, unnecessary, and slightly misleading.

You don't need to say there are unexpected obstacles when you're going to say what those obstacles are in the next sentence.
Your summary is also misleading in how it frames itself. The summary is in the third person but the story is largely in the first person divided between two perspectives. That's a creative writing style that can actually draw some readers in, so your summary should reflect that. You also try too hard to hook readers with the question mark at the end.

If you keep the third-person summary take the surprise out of the narrator's voice. Though I recommend writing your summary to have both perspectives in it and then making it clear that they are the same person.

The actual story seems like an interesting creative project but your summary does not draw me in, you've made a rather interesting concept seem dull and generic. I rate your summary as Passable.

 

[Zinless]

Positives: To the point, accurate for the most part.
Negatives: Your summary is hollow, unnecessary, and slightly misleading.

You don't need to say there are unexpected obstacles when you're going to say what those obstacles are in the next sentence.
Your summary is also misleading in how it frames itself. The summary is in the third person but the story is largely in the first person divided between two perspectives. That's a creative writing style that can actually draw some readers in, so your summary should reflect that. You also try too hard to hook readers with the question mark at the end.

If you keep the third-person summary take the surprise out of the narrator's voice. Though I recommend writing your summary to have both perspectives in it and then making it clear that they are the same person.

The actual story seems like an interesting creative project but your summary does not draw me in, you've made a rather interesting concept seem dull and generic. I rate your summary as Passable.

Good to know, thanks!

Will work on it.

 

[Deleted member 113259]

I need to practice summarizing my stories so that I can recommend them, because I suck at both summarizing the main character and the story itself. Perhaps I'll be able to fix my synopsis by writing this summarization (synopsis incorporated into this). The link is in my signature.
Summary:
A happy-go-lucky teenager with a bubbly personality and the classic theater-kid demeanor goes about their daily life in a world filled with Magic.
Make sure to tiptoe around the gang's runic script or your face'll melt off.
Stats and the System permeate every facet of life, creating an altogether strange world founded on good emotions.
Beware of Torments. If you see the anti-Magic, Miasma, head to the nearest shelter or you will die. The Neighborhood Runic Association is not responsible for Torment-incurred injuries.
Follow the main character as they laugh their way through life... HA!... surrounded by friends and family.
And don't worry! Nothing bad happens to them.
Scout's honor.
Oh... wait. Hmmm... it doesn't make sense to use that phrase, if Señor Screaming Fingers eliminated every member of the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts... oops. Guess that doesn't work. Maybe you can figure out a replacement for that.
Guess you can't trust anything said then!

I'm lost on what you posted here so I rate it as Stroke-inducing.

Thankfully you have a different summary on your page. I'll judge by comparing the two.

A happy-go-lucky character goes through life on an alternate Earth with some "minor" differences.

What minor differences you ask?

Go read my story, you silly!

And don't worry, nothing bad happens to me! Scout's honor!

Oh... wait. Hmmm... I suppose it doesn't make sense to use that phrase, if Señor Screaming Fingers ruthlessly eliminated everyone in Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts... oops. Guess that doesn't work. Maybe you can figure out a replacement for that.

Guess you can't trust anything I say then!

"happy-go-lucky character" This sounds annoying and trope-filled, but your new summary says "happy-go-lucky teenager with a bubbly personality and the classic theater-kid demeanor goes about their daily life in a world filled with Magic." which is even worse.

"What minor differences you ask?" The word minor is not a big enough hook for anyone to care. You've made a better hook in the new version by simply showing how deranged the protagonist is.

"Go read my story, you silly!" Somehow has both previous problems. It builds upon the bad hook by acting as if anyone cares, while also being annoying, and telling the reader what to do. You don't do this in the new version but you do make the character randomly go HA! which seems forced.

"Oh... wait. Hmmm... I suppose it doesn't make sense to use that phrase if Señor Screaming Fingers ruthlessly eliminated everyone in Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts... oops. Guess that doesn't work. Maybe you can figure out a replacement for that." This is the one thing you kept unchanged in both summaries and it's simply the ramblings of a madman. I suspect that's what you were going for. Good Job!

"Guess you can't trust anything I say then!" Unreliable narrators are often a turn-off for readers because most don't know how to do them well.

If you make an improved summary from what you posted on your story, show more of the character and make them more insane. If you instead choose to make a new summary from what you posted here, do the opposite and make it clear as to what actually happens. What I would do in your position is have a brief third-person narrator explain what actually happens in the story and then include all the mad ramblings as a quote to show the protagonist's personality.

Your new summary is more interesting than the first but more annoying to read. I change the rating of your new summary to Cancer, and I rate your old summary Cancer.

 

[T.K._Paradox]

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

"A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite."

 

[Deleted member 113259]

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

"A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite."

The answer is obvious. Tell me about this Michael Bloom fellow. What does he do that makes him eccentric? Why is he doing what he does? What effect do his adversaries have on the world that makes him want to stop them?

These are all questions you can answer in your summary to make your story appear more unique. I'm sure you have the answer to most of these questions. Sometimes people don't want to reveal too much because key information should be revealed naturally, but when you don't reveal anything your story looks generic and a random reader won't look at it twice.

To a random person, your story looks like this: Detective with something going on that fights cliche villains.

That doesn't make anyone want to read the story. Answer some of the questions above to make your work stand out.
For now, your summary is Passable, though a bit short.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I'm lost on what you posted here so I rate it as Stroke-inducing.

Thankfully you have a different summary on your page. I'll judge by comparing the two.


"happy-go-lucky character" This sounds annoying and trope-filled, but your new summary says "happy-go-lucky teenager with a bubbly personality and the classic theater-kid demeanor goes about their daily life in a world filled with Magic." which is even worse.

"What minor differences you ask?" The word minor is not a big enough hook for anyone to care. You've made a better hook in the new version by simply showing how deranged the protagonist is.

"Go read my story, you silly!" Somehow has both previous problems. It builds upon the bad hook by acting as if anyone cares, while also being annoying, and telling the reader what to do. You don't do this in the new version but you do make the character randomly go HA! which seems forced.

"Oh... wait. Hmmm... I suppose it doesn't make sense to use that phrase if Señor Screaming Fingers ruthlessly eliminated everyone in Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts... oops. Guess that doesn't work. Maybe you can figure out a replacement for that." This is the one thing you kept unchanged in both summaries and it's simply the ramblings of a madman. I suspect that's what you were going for. Good Job!

"Guess you can't trust anything I say then!" Unreliable narrators are often a turn-off for readers because most don't know how to do them well.

If you make an improved summary from what you posted on your story, show more of the character and make them more insane. If you instead choose to make a new summary from what you posted here, do the opposite and make it clear as to what actually happens. What I would do in your position is have a brief third-person narrator explain what actually happens in the story and then include all the mad ramblings as a quote to show the protagonist's personality.

Your new summary is more interesting than the first but more annoying to read. I change the rating of your new summary to Cancer, and I rate your old summary Cancer.

All good points! They aren't actually happy-go-lucky and their personality isn't bubbly. It's a bald-faced lie, and I wasn't able to figure out to hint that it was a bald-faced lie, other than the fact that in my original synopsis, that last sentence that practically states they are an unreliable narrator. I hoped that it would count the prior stuff into doubt... but it might not have...
The laughter thing is a good point, and I noticed that as well for the "Go read..." part. I appreciate you taking the time to outline the problem effectively for me!
I do think that I do an unreliable narrator quite well, but perhaps the feedback on my story has been skewed to the positive side, and I am awful! Only time will tell for that though!
Only one complaint. Why was the rating down-graded to Cancer?!

 

[PBJ_Time]

Slay The Cross (Old)

docs.google.com

The MC is the leader of a revolutionary group (who began by freeing slaves and toppling monarchies) who set out to kill every god in their game world. Or at least kill enough of them until they stop spying on them like a drone or dropping lightning bolts at "heretics."

Google Docs: Sign-in

Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).

docs.google.com

About the same, only this time, it's more focused on how the MC got here in the first place.

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Hajime is destined to kill every god in the ethereal world of Parallaxis. Sounds cliché, right? Well, he’s far from alone, as today marks the 5,000th annual meeting of the Radical Daydreamers Liberation Front (RDLF). It’s time for the “divine” to meet their maker—if they have one.
The first question on the agenda: do you gain EXP after killing a god?

Positives: Makes clear what the story is about, and tries to be unique.
Negatives: Inappropriate wording, hollow, distasteful.
If he's opposing the Gods he's not destined for anything. This version doesn't say why he wants to kill the gods. Fourth wall breaks shouldn't be in a summary if the actual story doesn't have fourth wall breaks.

Hajime always believed that fire was the greatest tool of all. A young rebel’s heart would be nothing without it.
But how much fire do you need to set a much brighter future in another world? Either way, he’s utterly done trying to understand why the gods of Parallaxis “need” to watch over mortals like a camera drone. Not to mention the lightning strikes toward “heretics.” Gods belong in a church, not above the heads of humans and nonhumans alike.
Cue “When Doves Cry” playing on his earpods. Please don’t ask how he still has them.

Positives: More appropriate wording.
Negatives: Still hollow, and added another fourth wall break.

The fourth wall break in the last line feels unnecessary and takes the reader out of your world.

Why is Hajime the way he is, and is there any more to him? How have the Gods affected him specifically? I was told the next version would focus on how he got here and yet that doesn't seem to be the case. All we know about Hajime is he's a young rebel and disapproves of the Gods. The fact that you put emphasis on the theme of rebellion makes me think the movement Hajime will lead is more important than Hajime itself.

If so put more focus on Hajime's movement and exactly how they are opposing the Gods. If we're supposed to care about Hajime himself, tell the audience of his past. What inspired Hajime to take action? Even just saying "he couldn't sit still watching his friends be killed by the Gods any longer" would be a huge improvement because it makes Hajime feel human and allows us to place ourselves in his shoes. This creates a connection between the reader and the story.

I've already critiqued your "Gods belong in a church" metaphor but if you're basing the story off of that phrase then it's actually a good thing that you have it in the summary, it gives the reader a good feel for the direction the story is going in.

Given the theme of God killing, the rating is obviously Vampire.
In terms of competency and ignoring the theme of your story however your summary is somewhere in between Passable and Adequate. You've certainly put more effort into making your piece stand out than others in his thread but your main character still feels hollow.

 

[mcarrowen]

Hello~ Need some feedback for my novel's summary :D Thanks
Title: The Girl From The Afterlife
Summary: In this world called Afterlife, I stand by one rule and an exception: Live and let live, but when the situation calls for it, k!ll like there's no tomorrow. If I had to choose between my life and those of scoundrels, I would choose mine in a heartbeat.

I'm Cecille Starrdottir, CEO of HEXYL Corp, but in this world, I go by hellRaider22RSTU to anyone on the ops team. For the folks at Beers&Berserkers Tavern and the lucky b@stards who survived an encounter with me, I'm Granny Gunner, a 66-year-old sniper you'd rather not want to cross paths with.

I'm restless because I have a mission to cross off the list before my Executioner snaps the life out of me.

In this world called Afterlife, life is interminable. Death isn't an ultimate fate except at the hands of your Executioner. For people like me who were transported to this world, we made it our mission to get to the Tower That Reaches The Sky. We believe that truth can be found there.

The Tower is an imposing, macabre, and otherworldly structure that eerily shadows you're every move. Wherever you are in this world, the Tower is visible yet unreachable. No one has reached the tower or found a way to get near it. It's believed that the city surrounding the Tower is where the Executioners reside.

In the year of Solaris 418, after wandering in this world for the past eight years, I met two people who would change the trajectory of my life forever: the girl in a pristine white two-piece suit wearing a ragged straw hat and the lady cartographer who had meticulously mapped the places she had traveled to in secret. Together, we embarked on a journey to the Tower That Reaches The Sky.

Link to Chapter 1: One Rule And An Exception

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Hello~ Need some feedback for my novel's summary :D Thanks
Title: The Girl From The Afterlife
Summary: In this world called Afterlife, I stand by one rule and an exception: Live and let live, but when the situation calls for it, k!ll like there's no tomorrow. If I had to choose between my life and those of scoundrels, I would choose mine in a heartbeat.

I'm Cecille Starrdottir, CEO of HEXYL Corp, but in this world, I go by hellRaider22RSTU to anyone on the ops team. For the folks at Beers&Berserkers Tavern and the lucky b@stards who survived an encounter with me, I'm Granny Gunner, a 66-year-old sniper you'd rather not want to cross paths with.

I'm restless because I have a mission to cross off the list before my Executioner snaps the life out of me.

In this world called Afterlife, life is interminable. Death isn't an ultimate fate except at the hands of your Executioner. For people like me who were transported to this world, we made it our mission to get to the Tower That Reaches The Sky. We believe that truth can be found there.

The Tower is an imposing, macabre, and otherworldly structure that eerily shadows you're every move. Wherever you are in this world, the Tower is visible yet unreachable. No one has reached the tower or found a way to get near it. It's believed that the city surrounding the Tower is where the Executioners reside.

In the year of Solaris 418, after wandering in this world for the past eight years, I met two people who would change the trajectory of my life forever: the girl in a pristine white two-piece suit wearing a ragged straw hat and the lady cartographer who had meticulously mapped the places she had traveled to in secret. Together, we embarked on a journey to the Tower That Reaches The Sky.

Link to Chapter 1: One Rule And An Exception

Oh, we are so back. Didn't see this notification because it was buried under like 30 other notifications.

First problem. You introduce the world and the character too many times, so it doesn't flow and takes the reader out of your world.

In this world called Afterlife,

I'm Cecille Starrdottir, CEO of HEXYL Corp, but in this world,

I'm restless because I have a mission

In this world called Afterlife, life is interminable.

The Tower is an imposing, macabre, and otherworldly structure

In the year of Solaris 418,

At the very least the last two introduced a specific location and time. Introduce your world, location, and time in the same sentence, and spend the rest of the summary setting up the story. e.g. In the world of Afterlife we have made it our mission to reach the unreachable tower. It is now the year of Solaris 418, and...
Or you can put her current location and year at the end of the summary but they should still only be mentioned once.


The next issue is this annoying censorship.

k!ll

b@stards

You don't censor in the actual story so don't censor here. First of all censorship is annoying so it turns most people off, second of all it's deceptive because your actual story doesn't do it.

Your next problem is overexplaining your protagonist without making it clear what any of that means.

I'm Cecille Starrdottir, CEO of HEXYL Corp, but in this world, I go by hellRaider22RSTU to anyone on the ops team. For the folks at Beers&Berserkers Tavern and the lucky b@stards who survived an encounter with me, I'm Granny Gunner, a 66-year-old sniper you'd rather not want to cross paths with.

What impact does HEXYL Corp have on the world you're writing?
Explain what Beers&Beserkers and the ops team actually are.
Explain the difference between the two aliases and how they're treated. The name hellraider doesn't give off a different vibe to Granny Gunner's infamy so you need to clarify their different behaviors. E.g. mild-mannered Peter Parker, vs the spectacular spider-man. (The mild-mannered part is necessary.)

Last advice: Try to follow a basic story format when writing a summary.
Start with the initial setup - Her background. -The details of that world.

In the middle link the setup to the start of the story. -Her Aspirations. -Her initial reactions.

In the end, place the relevant information at the start of the story - Current year. - How much progress she made in her goal. - How she's currently treated.



Rating: Stroke-inducing
Make your summary easier to comprehend. It's not so bad that it's impossible to understand, but the point of a summary is for the average reader to quickly get an idea of your work.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

@RepresentingEnvy Why are you mad at me? I was saying "poor you" because Controversial was putting vampire as the lowest rating!

 

[Deleted member 113259]

@RepresentingEnvy Why are you mad at me? I was saying "poor you" because Controversial was putting vampire as the lowest rating!

THAT'S why she's mad!
Thank you, puppet!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

THAT'S why she's mad!
Thank you, puppet!

@RepresentingEnvy Why are you mad at me? I was saying "poor you" because Controversial was putting vampire as the lowest rating!

Puppet as new rating when?

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Puppet as new rating when?

Depends.
@TheMonotonePuppet Do you suck the life out of anyone that dares to get close to you?

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Depends.
@TheMonotonePuppet Do you suck the life out of anyone that dares to get close to you?

I only yearn for color and intensity of life! And food. But mainly shading, vividness, dyes, pigments of entertainment and FRIENDSHIP!

THAT'S why she's mad!
Thank you, puppet!

But why's she mad at me!?! And not you!?

 

[Deleted member 113259]

I only yearn for color and intensity of life! And food. But mainly shading, vividness, dyes, pigments of entertainment and FRIENDSHIP!

But why's she mad at me!?! And not you!?

@Prince_Azmiran_Myrian New rating just dropped.