Does anyone wanna be my editor?

AdLeto

AdLeto

Well-known member
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Jun 23, 2020
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Didn't know you had a story here, i think im gonna read it
 
Ai-chan

Ai-chan

Queen of Yuri Devourer of Traps
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CadmarLegend said:
Please?
Click to expand...
Ai-chan can't volunteer to edit your story, already promised another to edit his story, but hasn't gotten around to doing it yet because AI-chan's been busy with translation work and CYOA competition. But allow Ai-chan to say a few words about the following:

“ Before learning magic, you need to know what types of magic there are. The types of magic are: Water, fire, earth, holy, and darkness. The water type magic deals with magic including water. Fire deals with fire magic. Earth magic deals with earth. Holy magic can heal, cure, and fix wounds. Darkness can use the power of shadows, the dead, and souls. To learn magic, you need to have magic power. All living beings contain a certain amount of magic power since birth. Some may have very little magic, while others may have a great magic pool. If you have very little magic power, then there are two ways to gain more magic power. One, you have to eat the meat of a monster that has a very, very, very great magic pool. Or two, you have to exhaust your magic power to the limit. However, the second way is a bit riskier because when all the magic power in a living being’s body gets depleted, the life force of that being’s is also depleted. Why does your life force get depleted as well as all you magic? You see, when we are born, we are reincarnated. Remember the Undead? They did not pass through the trials of reincarnation, and because of that, they revived as undead. Reincarnation judges if you will be useful to this world or not. Because of that, during reincarnation, Reincarnation gets rid of all the bad apples that tarnish the World’s growth. And to the ones that pass the test, Reincarnation gives them magic. If you ever look at the undead, you can see that they are beings that do not have magic power. They have a different type of power instead…… but we’ll talk about that later.”


“Let’s get back to the main topic now, ok? You see, when we are reincarnated, Reincarnation gives us a draw back, though. Because in the next life, you never know if the good people are going to turn rotten. Because of these reasons, Reincarnation has used magic power as our drawback. You see, life force and magic are different things, but magic is stronger than life force. The soul is the place that holds our life force. However, the soul isn’t located in a specific point in the body, it moves around. Even though I say that the soul holds the lifeforce, the soul is very weak. Life force is like a wave. It moves back and forth within the soul. Overtime, it can start to destroy the soul. After completely destroying the soul, because it doesn’t have a container, it disperses into the world. And because of this, after your life force is gone, you will also be gone. The soul is weak. That is where magic comes in. Magic power, no matter how big or small, has the ability to completely cover the soul. Encased in the magic power, the soul becomes stronger. That is why the life force won’t be able to get out of the soul. But when that magic power is used up, the soul doesn’t have enough strength to captivate the life force.”

These two block of texts are too long.

If a dialogue is this long, you can be sure that nobody reads it. Cut them into a dozen paragraphs, add actions next to the dialogues, make it have visual stimulation instead of just verbal.

For example, let's split this

"Before learning magic, you need to know what types of magic there are. The types of magic are: Water, fire, earth, holy, and darkness. The water type magic deals with magic including water. Fire deals with fire magic. Earth magic deals with earth. Holy magic can heal, cure, and fix wounds. Darkness can use the power of shadows, the dead, and souls. To learn magic, you need to have magic power. All living beings contain a certain amount of magic power since birth. Some may have very little magic, while others may have a great magic pool."

part into several paragraphs:

"Before learning magic, you need to know what types of magic there are," he picks up a twig from the ground and starts drawing on the sand, "There are five types of magic; water, fire, earth, holy and darkness." He proceeds to draw symbols of each one.

"The water type, deals with magic involving water." He draws a kid blowing up a fire hydrant.

"Fire deals with fire magic." He draws a kid whose hair is being burned by flames.

"Earth magic deals with earth." He draws a kid being buried in sand as the other kids laugh.

"Holy magic can heal, cure and fix wounds." He draws a kid being stabbed up his ass with a knife, then another kid heals him with the knife still in his ass.

"Darkness, can use the power of shadows, the dead and souls." He draws a kid being dragged into a grave by skeletal hands.

"To learn magic, you need to have magic power. All living being contains a certain amount of magic power since birth." He draws another kid on the sand.

"Some may have little magic." He draws a thin layer around the outline of the kid, "While others may have great magic pool," he said as he draw spikes around the silhuette of the kid.
 
G

Graced_Villain

Active member
Joined
Jun 17, 2020
Messages
7
Points
43
Ai-chan said:
Ai-chan can't volunteer to edit your story, already promised another to edit his story, but hasn't gotten around to doing it yet because AI-chan's been busy with translation work and CYOA competition. But allow Ai-chan to say a few words about the following:

“ Before learning magic, you need to know what types of magic there are. The types of magic are: Water, fire, earth, holy, and darkness. The water type magic deals with magic including water. Fire deals with fire magic. Earth magic deals with earth. Holy magic can heal, cure, and fix wounds. Darkness can use the power of shadows, the dead, and souls. To learn magic, you need to have magic power. All living beings contain a certain amount of magic power since birth. Some may have very little magic, while others may have a great magic pool. If you have very little magic power, then there are two ways to gain more magic power. One, you have to eat the meat of a monster that has a very, very, very great magic pool. Or two, you have to exhaust your magic power to the limit. However, the second way is a bit riskier because when all the magic power in a living being’s body gets depleted, the life force of that being’s is also depleted. Why does your life force get depleted as well as all you magic? You see, when we are born, we are reincarnated. Remember the Undead? They did not pass through the trials of reincarnation, and because of that, they revived as undead. Reincarnation judges if you will be useful to this world or not. Because of that, during reincarnation, Reincarnation gets rid of all the bad apples that tarnish the World’s growth. And to the ones that pass the test, Reincarnation gives them magic. If you ever look at the undead, you can see that they are beings that do not have magic power. They have a different type of power instead…… but we’ll talk about that later.”


“Let’s get back to the main topic now, ok? You see, when we are reincarnated, Reincarnation gives us a draw back, though. Because in the next life, you never know if the good people are going to turn rotten. Because of these reasons, Reincarnation has used magic power as our drawback. You see, life force and magic are different things, but magic is stronger than life force. The soul is the place that holds our life force. However, the soul isn’t located in a specific point in the body, it moves around. Even though I say that the soul holds the lifeforce, the soul is very weak. Life force is like a wave. It moves back and forth within the soul. Overtime, it can start to destroy the soul. After completely destroying the soul, because it doesn’t have a container, it disperses into the world. And because of this, after your life force is gone, you will also be gone. The soul is weak. That is where magic comes in. Magic power, no matter how big or small, has the ability to completely cover the soul. Encased in the magic power, the soul becomes stronger. That is why the life force won’t be able to get out of the soul. But when that magic power is used up, the soul doesn’t have enough strength to captivate the life force.”

These two block of texts are too long.

If a dialogue is this long, you can be sure that nobody reads it. Cut them into a dozen paragraphs, add actions next to the dialogues, make it have visual stimulation instead of just verbal.

For example, let's split this

"Before learning magic, you need to know what types of magic there are. The types of magic are: Water, fire, earth, holy, and darkness. The water type magic deals with magic including water. Fire deals with fire magic. Earth magic deals with earth. Holy magic can heal, cure, and fix wounds. Darkness can use the power of shadows, the dead, and souls. To learn magic, you need to have magic power. All living beings contain a certain amount of magic power since birth. Some may have very little magic, while others may have a great magic pool."

part into several paragraphs:

"Before learning magic, you need to know what types of magic there are," he picks up a twig from the ground and starts drawing on the sand, "There are five types of magic; water, fire, earth, holy and darkness." He proceeds to draw symbols of each one.

"The water type, deals with magic involving water." He draws a kid blowing up a fire hydrant.

"Fire deals with fire magic." He draws a kid whose hair is being burned by flames.

"Earth magic deals with earth." He draws a kid being buried in sand as the other kids laugh.

"Holy magic can heal, cure and fix wounds." He draws a kid being stabbed up his ass with a knife, then another kid heals him with the knife still in his ass.

"Darkness, can use the power of shadows, the dead and souls." He draws a kid being dragged into a grave by skeletal hands.

"To learn magic, you need to have magic power. All living being contains a certain amount of magic power since birth." He draws another kid on the sand.

"Some may have little magic." He draws a thin layer around the outline of the kid, "While others may have great magic pool," he said as he draw spikes around the silhuette of the kid.
Click to expand...
lovely demonstration on the breaking up of paragraphs!
Buuuuuuuut there is one too many "hes" in there, don't you think?
No doubt, this is a fast and effective way to break up paragraphs. It's simple too! Just would want a little touch-up to it all and it would *be* absolutely professionally-edited.

Noice
 
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