Feedback, Feedback, Feedb... Cough! Hey floks, Wanna help me out? Pretty Please

[Mythrnl]

Hey everyone!
Just crossed 50K, and I need your help to tell me what I did wrong.

Anything from the first chapter, the latest chapter. Even the first paragraph.
Just choose one and point out what you don't like or what breaks your immersion.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

If you are free and helping. Thank you very much.
If you're not free but are still helping, Thank you very, very much.. 10x

Links to expedite:
First Chap -

The Young Master is the Last Villain - Chapter 1: Cliché Reincarnation | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Latest Chap -

The Young Master is the Last Villain - Chapter 37: Is this Young Master going to be Poisoned Again? | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you for reading this junior's words.

---

Things that I've worked on from previous feedback:

• Overuse of words such as 'seems,' 'thought,' 'said' etc. Worked: Have swapped with appropriate words where required. Like considered/ muttered, shouted, etc.
• Passive Voice. Working: Rereading English Grammer... (A/N This was not what I thought I would do as an Author). Using Grammarly to edit as a short-term measure.
• Too Much World Building. I used 4 continuous chapters to explain my cultivation. Working: From chapters 26-30. Working on it. Maybe add a scene where the MC is disturbed during. Will make it seamless.
• Too much Fluff in first chapter. Worked: Gonna trim that out a little.
• Tenses. Got some confusing sentences. Working: Narrative - PastTense, Dialog - PresentTense, Monologue - PresentTense

 

[Kalliel]

Roger that.

Before anything, though, I just want to say that I only read the first chapter.

Firstly, your synopsis is quite literally a nothing burger. I didn't get anything after reading it. Okay, maybe the cultivation part... except that one is already told by the tags. Now, to be fair, I did get that it is supposed to be a regression thing in a cultivation world, but that is not nearly enough of a hook for me.

Second, your grammar. In the first chapter alone, I already noticed instances of inconsistent tenses, lack of periods, question marks, etc. I recommend you really review your chapters manually, as Grammarly, the free version, doesn't pick up every mistake.

And finally, what is up with the protagonist referring to himself as 'he' in his internal monologues...?

 

[Mythrnl]

Firstly, your synopsis is quite literally a nothing burger. I didn't get anything after reading it. Okay, maybe the cultivation part... except that one is already told by the tags. Now, to be fair, I did get that it is supposed to be a regression thing in a cultivation world, but that is not nearly enough of a hook for me.

So, I need a synopsis that adds content to my tags but does not repeat it. Should have given a general gist of what to expect in first line and then used character dialog or motivation to make it more hook-worthy.

Second, your grammar. In the first chapter alone, I already noticed instances of inconsistent tenses, lack of periods, question marks, etc. I recommend you really review your chapters manually, as Grammarly, the free version, doesn't pick up every mistake.

I just read the first chapters of both of your series to understand what you are saying, and I think I got it. '...!' / 'Ah~' / 'to-''' / '...' / '...?'. I will practice more to write those. Hope you don't mind me just using your series as my Grammer guide. Will read fully when I complete a once over my series.

Hmm, Tenses. I guess I use words like '....., he said. / he asked ' whereas you use it in the present tense like 'she says / she asks'.
And my story should be in the present tense too . Thanks for pointing out. I have always written in the past tense so I will be more conscious next time to catch my tenses. And change the tenses in the published chapters.

And finally, what is up with the protagonist referring to himself as 'he' in his internal monologues...?

Yeah, that's a problem. I improved it in later chapters but forgot about it. Just edited the first three chapters and got it in first person. Will change the next chapters as I got time.

Thanks for taking your time to give me a feedback.

PS. If I got anything different than what you wanted to convey, please point it out.

 

[Kalliel]

So, I need a synopsis that adds content to my tags but does not repeat it. Should have given a general gist of what to expect in first line and then used character dialog or motivation to make it more hook-worthy.


I just read the first chapters of both of your series to understand what you are saying, and I think I got it. '...!' / 'Ah~' / 'to-''' / '...' / '...?'. I will practice more to write those. Hope you don't mind me just using your series as my Grammer guide. Will read fully when I complete a once over my series.

Hmm, Tenses. I guess I use words like '....., he said. / he asked ' whereas you use it in the present tense like 'she says / she asks'.
And my story should be in the present tense too . Thanks for pointing out. I have always written in the past tense so I will be more conscious next time to catch my tenses. And change the tenses in the published chapters.


Yeah, that's a problem. I improved it in later chapters but forgot about it. Just edited the first three chapters and got it in first person. Will change the next chapters as I got time.

Thanks for taking your time to give me a feedback.

PS. If I got anything different than what you wanted to convey, please point it out.

If you want to reference my works (God knows why they're quite bad), please do read the recent chapters instead of the first ones. I wrote the first ones when I just started writing, so they are very clunky.

And about the tenses. You essentially have two options: present tense or past tense. You don't need to use the present tense like I do, but use one that suits you best instead.

Another thing. These '...!' / 'Ah~' / 'to-''' / '...' / '...?' that you mentioned are really just my text interpretation of emotions displayed by characters. For example, the third one is a dialogue being cut off, the fourth one is silence, and the first one is a milder version of an exclamation mark. They are up to you to decide, so don't copy mine. Just, remember to use basic marks and such.

 

[Mythrnl]

If you want to reference my works (God knows why they're quite bad), please do read the recent chapters instead of the first ones. I wrote the first ones when I just started writing, so they are very clunky.

And about the tenses. You essentially have two options: present tense or past tense. You don't need to use the present tense like I do, but use one that suits you best instead.

Another thing. These '...!' / 'Ah~' / 'to-''' / '...' / '...?' that you mentioned are really just my text interpretation of emotions displayed by characters. For example, the third one is a dialogue being cut off, the fourth one is silence, and the first one is a milder version of an exclamation mark. They are up to you to decide, so don't copy mine. Just, remember to use basic marks and such.

Yeah, I take back my words. A little bit, at least about the present tense. I'm more comfortable with the past tense. So I guess I will see where I can change the tenses. Got some past tense in inner monologue, which I converted to present, so there is that.

I will start from simple marks to make it more whole, then look to enhance it later.

Will read your latest chapter Thanks again

 

[J_Chemist]

-with love

 

[Yule]

I read the synopsis and maybe the first half of the first chapter! I tried to at least skim the rest. I can tell you put a lot of effort into making this story, it looks like you have a lot of content you wanted to share.

I think the biggest problem with your story is that it's a lot of work to understand. There are way too many unknowns all over the place: characters, stories, settings, everything. Look at your synopsis and ask yourself how much a new reader would understand! All I got from it was the main character was a big guy who reincarnated and now wants to overthrow someone else. Everything else didn't speak to me at all because I had no clue what anything meant. Heavens, system, eternity...even a typical word like protagonist is beyond me because I have no clue which side this protagonist is on, or what sides there even are.

Also, the first chapter took me by surprise because it sounded like it was taking place in a wuxia setting even though the synopsis and cover didn't really tell me that.

 

[Mythrnl]

First, Thanks for your feedback.

I think the biggest problem with your story is that it's a lot of work to understand. There are way too many unknowns all over the place: characters, stories, settings, everything. Look at your synopsis and ask yourself how much a new reader would understand!

So, I have information overload in my synopsis.

I think I over-shared my world-building instead of the character. I already wrote about multiple factions when I should have only details about the main character, his starting situation and the overall goal. Just that and nothing more.

Also, the first chapter took me by surprise because it sounded like it was taking place in a wuxia setting even though the synopsis and cover didn't really tell me that.

Hmm.. I may need to hint at the first chapter to better match the expectations of first-time readers.

Again, Thanks for the advice. It helped me a lot.

 

[Yule]

I think I over-shared my world-building instead of the character. I already wrote about multiple factions when I should have only details about the main character, his starting situation and the overall goal. Just that and nothing more.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a long or detailed synopsis. What makes yours difficult in specific is the language is too advanced, and too many jargons are being used. Focusing on your main character could work, and a lot of fictions do choose this path, but also try dumbing down your language a bit!

For example, I could write "Visited by Hogwart's Keeper of Keys on a fateful night of celebration, Harry suddenly learned of his parents' battle against the Death Eaters and he who shall not be named that left an unerasable scar in his fate. His life begins anew as he finds himself waiting at Platform 9 3/4, waiting for the train that would take him to Hogwarts."

I could also write "Harry Potter, an unremarkabke teenage boy living with his cousin's family, is one day visited by a hulking stranger accompanied by an invitation letter. After displaying magics beyond the little boy's understanding, the stranger told him: "You're a wizard, Harry." Harry's newest chapter in life begins as he enters the school of magic, where he finally learns the truth behind his parents' deaths."

It's a little different, but the two basically relays the same story: Harry enrolling at Hogwarts. Those who read Harry Potter wouldn't have trouble understanding the first one or the second one, but new readers are going to get stumped on every sentence with the first one. If you try to dumb it down by choosing to describe your jargons, it'll make it easier for new readers! Keeper of Keys is just nonsense, but a hulking figure saying "You're a wizard, Harry" at least paints a relative picture for Hagrid.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Hi there! I saw the thread and decided to take a look at your story and see what exactly was going on. With that in mind I looked over Chapter 1.
Unfortunately the problems for me started with the opening sequence of computer events:

“The Dao that can be spoken is not the eternal Dao.”

I double checked the meaning, to make sure that I wasn’t going crazy and for reference:
(The Chinese word Dao means a way or a path.)

So right off the bat, it makes zero sense. If you can’t articulate the “way or path” then you can’t have a Dao. So then how do you present the path if it isn’t allowed to be spoken? I didn’t get it.

I saw the next two, then realized it was a computer error. So the question then becomes – Is everything in the computer section presented as an error? To couple with the 120k errors after?

I think the presentation could be better, less confusion for the reader. Keep in mind that not everyone understands LitRPG or how it could be presented. So you have to show and explain to the reader what is going on.

Immediately after the computer session, we get this:

“He awoke to a hefty thud echoing, the noise jolting him from darkness.”
Then we get probably 4 lines later –

“..The taunt stirred him right out of unconsciousness. Or at least it tried to, but it was only partially successful, as he felt his body not responding even though he was trying to move…”
The rest of the chapter is just like this. Telling the reader the same thing over and over. Often it simply doesn’t make sense either.

Take this as an example: “As the nausea faded, he opened his eyes, allowing him a blurry view of the world around him. Though the view was unclear, he made out his immediate surroundings.”
I can’t seem to find a reference to the MC being nauseous in the first place, so I was left scratching my head.

Then there was the constant telling the reader that “he couldn’t move” or “was unable to move” or “helpless.”

Then “He” finally opens his eyes – but still can’t move, yet somehow saw all the bruising on his body. How? If he is basically paralyzed to the point of being carried off somewhere and can’t move his head, He’s not seeing anything maybe a blurry version of his arms and his cheeks. Assuming that the people carrying him are hefting him by his arms and legs. I couldn’t tell.

Things like this:
“He noticed that it was nighttime, casting everything into shadow. They were in a thick forest, with trees surrounding him, walking in a well-worn path through the trees, though he couldn't turn his head to look at the boys carrying him.

Slowly, he started getting what his senses were feeling. The biting cold of the night seemed to seep through every layer of clothing, chilling him to the bone. Looking at the trees, he felt odd watching them.
It felt like a long time since he was in a forest, and the forest had trees bigger and thicker than anything he had ever seen.”

I think this needs to be reworked into something that flows and is consistent. We have more of the no moving thing and then him seeing things in the dark. If its such a shadow, then how does he determine depth with the limited sight he has? I just didn’t get it.

We get a few more lines of confusion, then out of nowhere – the character that is unfamiliar with everything and everyone, confused and just hit with a blue block of memory recollection, he somehow puts together that he’s on a new world?

“Wait, wait, wait, shit! Did I transmigrate to a different world?!' he thought, remembering the unease he felt. Now that he thought more about it, he was sure he was not Asher. And he remembered the blue screen.

This was jarring. Very jarring.

You have already had responses that told you about your tense and word structure, so I am not going to reiterate what you already know.
There is one big thing in all of the chapter. You seem to be “telling” us a story more than “showing and guiding” us through this character’s experience.

That sums up what I felt when reading chapter 1.

The good news is that I figured out what you were trying to present. You eventually get that this guy is just got beaten to a pulp, doesn’t know where he is or what he’s going to do. You get that he’s got something that needs to fill out his abilities – etc.
So, keep working at it! Good Luck.

 

[So_Indecisive]

Hi there! I saw the thread and decided to take a look at your story and see what exactly was going on. With that in mind I looked over Chapter 1.
Unfortunately the problems for me started with the opening sequence of computer events:

“The Dao that can be spoken is not the eternal Dao.”

I double checked the meaning, to make sure that I wasn’t going crazy and for reference:
(The Chinese word Dao means a way or a path.)

So right off the bat, it makes zero sense. If you can’t articulate the “way or path” then you can’t have a Dao. So then how do you present the path if it isn’t allowed to be spoken? I didn’t get it.

I saw the next two, then realized it was a computer error. So the question then becomes – Is everything in the computer section presented as an error? To couple with the 120k errors after?

I think the presentation could be better, less confusion for the reader. Keep in mind that not everyone understands LitRPG or how it could be presented. So you have to show and explain to the reader what is going on.

Immediately after the computer session, we get this:

“He awoke to a hefty thud echoing, the noise jolting him from darkness.”
Then we get probably 4 lines later –

“..The taunt stirred him right out of unconsciousness. Or at least it tried to, but it was only partially successful, as he felt his body not responding even though he was trying to move…”
The rest of the chapter is just like this. Telling the reader the same thing over and over. Often it simply doesn’t make sense either.

Take this as an example: “As the nausea faded, he opened his eyes, allowing him a blurry view of the world around him. Though the view was unclear, he made out his immediate surroundings.”
I can’t seem to find a reference to the MC being nauseous in the first place, so I was left scratching my head.

Then there was the constant telling the reader that “he couldn’t move” or “was unable to move” or “helpless.”

Then “He” finally opens his eyes – but still can’t move, yet somehow saw all the bruising on his body. How? If he is basically paralyzed to the point of being carried off somewhere and can’t move his head, He’s not seeing anything maybe a blurry version of his arms and his cheeks. Assuming that the people carrying him are hefting him by his arms and legs. I couldn’t tell.

Things like this:
“He noticed that it was nighttime, casting everything into shadow. They were in a thick forest, with trees surrounding him, walking in a well-worn path through the trees, though he couldn't turn his head to look at the boys carrying him.

Slowly, he started getting what his senses were feeling. The biting cold of the night seemed to seep through every layer of clothing, chilling him to the bone. Looking at the trees, he felt odd watching them.
It felt like a long time since he was in a forest, and the forest had trees bigger and thicker than anything he had ever seen.”

I think this needs to be reworked into something that flows and is consistent. We have more of the no moving thing and then him seeing things in the dark. If its such a shadow, then how does he determine depth with the limited sight he has? I just didn’t get it.

We get a few more lines of confusion, then out of nowhere – the character that is unfamiliar with everything and everyone, confused and just hit with a blue block of memory recollection, he somehow puts together that he’s on a new world?

“Wait, wait, wait, shit! Did I transmigrate to a different world?!' he thought, remembering the unease he felt. Now that he thought more about it, he was sure he was not Asher. And he remembered the blue screen.

This was jarring. Very jarring.

You have already had responses that told you about your tense and word structure, so I am not going to reiterate what you already know.
There is one big thing in all of the chapter. You seem to be “telling” us a story more than “showing and guiding” us through this character’s experience.

That sums up what I felt when reading chapter 1.

The good news is that I figured out what you were trying to present. You eventually get that this guy is just got beaten to a pulp, doesn’t know where he is or what he’s going to do. You get that he’s got something that needs to fill out his abilities – etc.
So, keep working at it! Good Luck.

That part about the dao that can be named is part of Laozi's 'Ren Xing Dao'.
It's a religious book for Taoists which was originally a poem. It's also one of the most translated religious texts in the world after the Bible.

 

[Mythrnl]

Thanks for the Feedback @SurfAngel_1031 .

Yeah as @So_Indecisive said here, I actually took the line about the Eternal Dao, and Eternal name from it. It's a Chinese poem translated to English, so I can understand why its confusing.

I wrote that part as a sort of Prologue inside the First chapter. To give a glimpse of what is to come. Like an Easter Egg or something.

The Dao part is for the Xianxia/Cultivation enthusiast, and the System is for the LitRPGs.

As for their meaning, the Dao can be spoken or articulated, as you say, but Eternal Dao is like its big bad brother. It can only be experienced, or you can only walk the path but can't share it. Maybe I should Capitalize the Eternal part to distinguish it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it.

Then I added my own lines after that, like ruler and death, cause that's what author do right?

I saw the next two, then realized it was a computer error. So the question then becomes – Is everything in the computer section presented as an error? To couple with the 120k errors after?

As for the bugs. That's actually for the Fated individuals inside the Series. They are Agents of Heavens and the System considers them bugs. I think I need to add something to give a glimpse of that direction. Can't exactly give false expectations to readers.

I think the presentation could be better, less confusion for the reader. Keep in mind that not everyone understands LitRPG or how it could be presented. So you have to show and explain to the reader what is going on.

Think like a Reader instead of an Author. Got it. Will keep that in mind in re-editng and future chapters.

“He awoke to a hefty thud echoing, the noise jolting him from darkness.”
Then we get probably 4 lines later –

“..The taunt stirred him right out of unconsciousness. Or at least it tried to, but it was only partially successful, as he felt his body not responding even though he was trying to move…”
The rest of the chapter is just like this. Telling the reader the same thing over and over. Often it simply doesn’t make sense either.

Yeah, maybe some cut outs are required. You are actually the second to say this, so I planned to really Trim it out.

Take this as an example: “As the nausea faded, he opened his eyes, allowing him a blurry view of the world around him. Though the view was unclear, he made out his immediate surroundings.”
I can’t seem to find a reference to the MC being nauseous in the first place, so I was left scratching my head.

So shared some feelings without a reason. Broke Immersion. Will add a correct sequence.

Then “He” finally opens his eyes – but still can’t move, yet somehow saw all the bruising on his body. How? If he is basically paralyzed to the point of being carried off somewhere and can’t move his head, He’s not seeing anything maybe a blurry version of his arms and his cheeks. Assuming that the people carrying him are hefting him by his arms and legs. I couldn’t tell.

I think this needs to be reworked into something that flows and is consistent. We have more of the no moving thing and then him seeing things in the dark. If its such a shadow, then how does he determine depth with the limited sight he has? I just didn’t get it.

I was actually going for him slowing getting more control of his body. From nothing to his haze eyes, then clear vision then movements in head then feelings of whole body then movement in body. Will smooth out the Transition.

We get a few more lines of confusion, then out of nowhere – the character that is unfamiliar with everything and everyone, confused and just hit with a blue block of memory recollection, he somehow puts together that he’s on a new world?

“Wait, wait, wait, shit! Did I transmigrate to a different world?!' he thought, remembering the unease he felt. Now that he thought more about it, he was sure he was not Asher. And he remembered the blue screen.

This was jarring. Very jarring.

It was to be jarring but maybe I made it too much. Will add a monologue like him accepting after glimpsing at his body again. I mean seeing your body is the normal way to accept being Isekaid right? So old body to youthfully should be good, I think?

You seem to be “telling” us a story more than “showing and guiding” us through this character’s experience.

No excuses. Working on the "Show, not Tell" part of novel writing. Thanks for reminding me.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my series and giving your feedback.

PS. If you want to add more, please advice.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I was actually going for him slowing getting more control of his body. From nothing to his haze eyes, then clear vision then movements in head then feelings of whole body then movement in body. Will smooth out the Transition.

This would go a long way to solving problems. As you transition him through the stages of his wake-up/recovery - I think there is less of a chance to repeat things. You also show some progression through the chapter. Wonderful decision!

Yeah as @So_Indecisive said here, I actually took the line about the Eternal Dao, and Eternal name from it. It's a Chinese poem translated to English, so I can understand why its confusing.

I wrote that part as a sort of Prologue inside the First chapter. To give a glimpse of what is to come. Like an Easter Egg or something.

The Dao part is for the Xianxia/Cultivation enthusiast, and the System is for the LitRPGs.

As for their meaning, the Dao can be spoken or articulated, as you say, but Eternal Dao is like its big bad brother. It can only be experienced, or you can only walk the path but can't share it. Maybe I should Capitalize the Eternal part to distinguish it.

I looked it up after the reference was posted above. So yes, I see it's a poem.
The way it's presented is far different than what the English version states.
You'd almost be better off using the actual quote, rather than what you have.

If what I read was accurate it goes like this:
---
The Tao that can be trodden
is not the enduring and unchanging Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the enduring and unchanging name.
----

Trodden is a far far different word than spoken.

You can't get into trouble using the actual poem, anymore than you could quoting say the bible.
There is nothing that is saying that the philosophy from one world to another can't be about the same.
It's all in what you can imagine and bring to life in words :)
I think you could be better served using the actual, and putting the explanation in the "Glossary" section. It would give others a means to understand if they have no clue about Daoism/Taoism.

Just my added 2 cents, feel free to message me any time you want - I will help the best I can.
Good luck!