Hey guys! Thanks so much for your support!
After all this time, and after so many months of writer's block I realized what my main, main problem was (aside from Characterization of course, haha). And that was my desire to go straight to the big picture rather than the smaller.
I love stories that focus on the characters and grow slowly over time. And for some strange, strange reason, I totally forgot to do that for
my own.
And so, under the new title "
The Violet Curse", I'd love it if, if you can, you can tell me if I've improved or still need work on a lot of things (And I still think I do).
The writing seems to have improved dramatically.
To the point that, if the few things I mention are fixed, I’ll probably be following your story.
A few things I’ll note.
Try reading it on mobile.
The long blocky paragraphs are fine, but they should be split up occasionally.
A good rule of thumb is, if another action is happening or someone else is speaking, break the paragraphs.
Excerpt from your story.
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The two young men sat in the corner of the room, close to the fireplace. Dall sipped slowly at his water, watching over his friend wail and moan. He looked around the room, finding it lucky that they had the whole place to themselves. He sneaked a glance at the waitress standing by. Her chocolate brown hair fell just above her shoulders, freckles dotting her tanned cheeks. She stood there, smiling. Guess she’s finally gotten used to it, huh?He got up and patted Simon on the back, “Come on, man. Let’s get you to your room. I think you’ve got patrol in a few hours.”
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First, this is a massive chunk of text.
...And it’s all in one paragraph.
Normally, I wouldn’t note this because it can be a stylistic choice... but, it’s extremely intimidating to a reader and completely unnecessarily.
At minimum, every time someone different speaks, you should split the paragraph.
Secondly, but less importantly, try to vary sentence structure.
Finally, I recommend removing redundant words.
Video on that...
Anyway, I’ve edited the paragraph slightly to show what I mean.
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The two young men sat in the corner of the room, close to the fireplace.
Dall sipped slowly at his water, watching over his friend wail and moan. Slowly gazing around the room.
It’s completely empty in here. Somewhat lucky and unusual to have the whole place to themselves.
Sneaking a glance at the waitress standing nearby. Her chocolate brown hair fell above her shoulders, freckles dotting her tanned cheeks.
She’s smiling.
//EDIT: We don’t need to be told she’s standing nearby again... Potentially add a metaphor, or simile, after smiling.
//It’s not necessary, but I would make it a new paragraph because someone different is taking an action.
Guess she’s finally gotten used to it, huh? (//gotten used to what? Her job?)
He got up and pat Simon on the back, “Come on. Let’s get you to your room. Don’t you have patrol in a few hours?”
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Edit:
Also... I’ve noticed two more minor things.
First, you’ve chosen to keep us in the dark about why it’s odd to see a wild despairity.
Personally, I wouldn’t do this.
Keeping the reader in the dark about something that’s common sense to, seemingly, every character only makes them upset.
Secondly, from this paragraph...
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“B-But Joe, I can still fight, I swear I can!” Dall watched as a single knight stood up. The knight threw off the helmet, and Dall recognized his curly brown hair immediately, “I-I’m not gonna let some, some Despairity freak me out!”
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I assumed Dan was doing the talking, not the knight, because he was mentioned first.
Apparently, he wasn’t... which I figured out the next paragraph, but that’s unnecessary confusion.
Just don’t mention Dale.
We’re already seeing things through his eyes.
We don’t need to be told he watched the knight.