Feedback for A Tale From Azad

[Elateam]

Hello! I just started writing "A Tale From Azad" but I need some feedback. Turns out people can get 1-star review from just two chapters, so I think something might be wrong with the way I'm writing my story, or maybe that I was trolled by some kid considering all the other latest series also suffered a one-star review overnight, who knows. Might be the small info-dump in Chapter 1 or maybe the lack of emotion in dialogue or possibly the character names (but I kind of doubt that one). Whatever the case, I feel like a pair of fresh eyes is what would be best. The link to the book is https://www.scribblehub.com/series/34969/a-tale-from-azad/ . Hopefully it isn't as bad as I think it is, but we'll just have to see. Thanks!

 

[Azrie]

I can relate to random 1s, I took an incredibly fast skim through first chapter. Two things that bother me, SFXs and dialogue tags. I think there are much better ways to handle these things than using those. Other than that I would say it's okay. I will read more when I can and update you on it.

 

[zeryn]

Hello! I just started writing "A Tale From Azad" but I need some feedback. Turns out people can get 1-star review from just two chapters, so I think something might be wrong with the way I'm writing my story, or maybe that I was trolled by some kid considering all the other latest series also suffered a one-star review overnight, who knows. Might be the small info-dump in Chapter 1 or maybe the lack of emotion in dialogue or possibly the character names (but I kind of doubt that one). Whatever the case, I feel like a pair of fresh eyes is what would be best. The link to the book is https://www.scribblehub.com/series/34969/a-tale-from-azad/ . Hopefully it isn't as bad as I think it is, but we'll just have to see. Thanks!

On mobile so a bit harder to leave better feedback, also only read 0 because I'm about to leave.
1) something I've been told about was that I used a lot of ellipses, and then was advised to use em dashes in place of some of those and the commas. It can add better emphasis and cleans the chapter up.
2) imo reading sfx, sfx, sfx etc really throws off the immersion of the chapter. You can add text and/or detail saying it. Such as instead of the first line about the crows, try "The cawing of crows could be heard as the gleam of moonlight barely touched the ground through the dense forest." Or whatever.

Hope that helps some, might read a bit more later when not so busy

 

[Elateam]

Firstly, I got to thank the both of you for the advice. Your feedback really helps a lot!

I can relate to random 1s, I took an incredibly fast skim through first chapter. Two things that bother me, SFXs and dialogue tags. I think there are much better ways to handle these things than using those. Other than that I would say it's okay. I will read more when I can and update you on it.

I'd have to agree. I was thinking the exact same thing when I wrote that chapter and so far I haven't used those SFX tags since. I'll have to go back and improve on that first chapter later today or tomorrow. I'd also have to agree that the dialogue tags can be better replaced with something else. I was thinking that maybe the way the characters speak could indicate to the audience who exactly is talking, but I don't think my characterization is that good yet to be able to do that with little mistakes.

On mobile so a bit harder to leave better feedback, also only read 0 because I'm about to leave.
1) something I've been told about was that I used a lot of ellipses, and then was advised to use em dashes in place of some of those and the commas. It can add better emphasis and cleans the chapter up.
2) imo reading sfx, sfx, sfx etc really throws off the immersion of the chapter. You can add text and/or detail saying it. Such as instead of the first line about the crows, try "The cawing of crows could be heard as the gleam of moonlight barely touched the ground through the dense forest." Or whatever.

Hope that helps some, might read a bit more later when not so busy

To be completely honest with you, I just realized I used a lot of ellipses . I never thought about using dashes at all, so I'll give it a try when I clean up the chapter. For your second point, that's the sort of thing I'm planning on doing. BTW that's a great sentence you've got there, I was sort of thinking the same thing but I guess I didn't have the right words to describe that lighting. Man, I've got a long way to go.

Now that I think about it, maybe I overdid the description of the setting in Chapter 1 by a little over a big margin . This is a tragedy.

 

[Kotohood]

I skimmed through 0 and 1 and a bit of 2. I got a few points to throw in here.

Simply put, your dialogue needs work. Some of it is too long without breaks in between. I can understand the need to inform the aufience about things, but you are using dialogues as an exposition tool too much, it's obvious and it hurts the pacing of the story. You also need proper dialogue tags so things don't get confusing.

Too much spacing in between paragraphs. Also some paragraphs are missing indentation. It's not really a deal breaker but you should choose and stick to a form. Stay consistent about it too. Use that preview button and give thought about mobile and desktop reader.

Sound effects, as the others has pointed out. Needs to be better. I don't really like to use the quote here, but it does apply to this situation. Show, don't tell. Not to say you can't tell, but it's a bad choice here. At least for chapter 0.

The rest is alright, nothing too jaring that I can see... yet. This is just my opinion on things, so don't take it like it's professional advice or anything. I'm not really that great at writting either.

 

[zeryn]

Firstly, I got to thank the both of you for the advice. Your feedback really helps a lot!



I'd have to agree. I was thinking the exact same thing when I wrote that chapter and so far I haven't used those SFX tags since. I'll have to go back and improve on that first chapter later today or tomorrow. I'd also have to agree that the dialogue tags can be better replaced with something else. I was thinking that maybe the way the characters speak could indicate to the audience who exactly is talking, but I don't think my characterization is that good yet to be able to do that with little mistakes.



To be completely honest with you, I just realized I used a lot of ellipses . I never thought about using dashes at all, so I'll give it a try when I clean up the chapter. For your second point, that's the sort of thing I'm planning on doing. BTW that's a great sentence you've got there, I was sort of thinking the same thing but I guess I didn't have the right words to describe that lighting. Man, I've got a long way to go.

Now that I think about it, maybe I overdid the description of the setting in Chapter 1 by a little over a big margin . This is a tragedy.

Here is the em dash. https://www.thepunctuationguide.com/em-dash.html

 

[Elateam]

I skimmed through 0 and 1 and a bit of 2. I got a few points to throw in here.

Simply put, your dialogue needs work. Some of it is too long without breaks in between. I can understand the need to inform the aufience about things, but you are using dialogues as an exposition tool too much, it's obvious and it hurts the pacing of the story. You also need proper dialogue tags so things don't get confusing.

Too much spacing in between paragraphs. Also some paragraphs are missing indentation. It's not really a deal breaker but you should choose and stick to a form. Stay consistent about it too. Use that preview button and give thought about mobile and desktop reader.

Sound effects, as the others has pointed out. Needs to be better. I don't really like to use the quote here, but it does apply to this situation. Show, don't tell. Not to say you can't tell, but it's a bad choice here. At least for chapter 0.

The rest is alright, nothing too jaring that I can see... yet. This is just my opinion on things, so don't take it like it's professional advice or anything. I'm not really that great at writting either.

No, your criticisms are just. I'll cut down on the spacing and fix the indentation. I usually use my desktop to read rather than my phone, so I never really thought about what mobile users thought of the formatting which is my bad. For sound effects, I'm already working on fixing that up. The main problem that I knew would be pointed out is dialogue, since it is a bit too long in some parts, I'll try to break it up into more manageable chunks but I think that would make it worse than it already is currently, so I'll try to think of another way. Especially that info-dump dialogue in Chapter 1... That one is a big yikes.

Here is the em dash. https://www.thepunctuationguide.com/em-dash.html

Thanks buddy, this seems a lot more useful than what I had thought before. hopefully I use it right!

 

[Elateam]

After following all of your suggestions, I've managed to fix up Chapter 0. I've completely purged the SFXs and I think I've enhanced the dialogue tags, but I could be wrong. I cut away the extra spacing between paragraphs since I just noticed there was already a little spacing between them without the extra line. Furthermore, I tried to use the em dashes as zeryn said wherever there wasn't a necessity for commas and ellipses. Hopefully it's better now

 

[Azrie]

Cough "sword swing SFX" cough. Anyways looks good, I can't help but think you overused the dash a bit too much. Maybe just me. Otherwise it is a lot better.

 

[Elateam]

Well I guess the purge failed. I'll fix that quick . I might look over it again just to be sure the dashes aren't over-used. If everything else is fine then I'll fix up the other chapters by sometime tomorrow before continuing further. Thanks for the help guys!