Feedback for my first work(^v^)

Teona

Member
Joined
Oct 25, 2021
Messages
21
Points
18
This story of mine is pretty generic, so don't expect too much, just want to see your feedback

 

Cain_Abel

New member
Joined
Jan 17, 2022
Messages
2
Points
3
I'd recommend running it through the free version of Grammarly to fix some spelling and grammar mistakes.

Your first sentence is in current tense. Your second sentence is in past tense.
"I'm currently in my office, working on my company's paperworks. The moonlight was shining upon me as I sat with my back behind the window."
 

BubbleC

Floating Idiot
Joined
Jan 29, 2021
Messages
125
Points
63
Your story feels like satire.

If that's intentional, then good job. If not, you might wanna reconsider the times the protagonist gloats about only using 15% of his power or when the villain spills all of his evil plans and intentions as if we were in some cliche action movie produced by 8th graders.

The in-depth advice I'd give you is from reading your first chapter is: try to be more focused with your writing.

Every scene should have an event/emotion, purpose, pulse (or tone), and structure.
  • Event/emotion - something that happens in a scene that elicits a reaction from the reader
  • Purpose - a clear narrative function for the reader (ex. to introduce the main character's background)
  • Structure - a beginning, middle, and end
  • And pulse - the vibrancy, life force, flow that drives the story and attracts your readers
Every scene, every description, every piece of dialogue, every sentence should have its own place in progressing the plot. Otherwise, cut such unnecessary fluff out of your work. It bores readers.

Right from the get-go, your story seems to be a bit disorganized and random. For example, you include this sentence when introducing the main character:
My mother was an Asian while my father is a Westerner.
Is such information really necessary? Why do we have to know the protagonist is a half-white half-Asian man? From what I could tell, reading the rest of the chapter, such information is completely irrelevant. Other tidbits of odd information are scattered throughout the chapter as well. This piece of dialogue, for example:
"No matter how much you like to witness my handsome face which is a thousand times better than yours, you still shouldn't barge in my property at night like an idiotic paparazzi stalking a public figure, Jon lewis."
Why add "which is a thousand times better than yours" or "stalking a public figure?" The "thousand times better than yours" just makes the main character seem jealous and insecure of his own looks, as though he were trying to convince himself of that. And the "stalking a public figure" is implied when it comes to idiotic paparazzi.

The most pertinent issue, however, is the confusing tone/pulse/purpose of the chapter. Is this supposed to be satire? Is this supposed to be basic wish-fulfillment? Or am I actually supposed to be awed by the protagonist saying "I only used 15% of my power" like he was some kind of Dragonball character? Even though the main character says he's emotionless, it barely comes through the page. Even though he says he loves his home Japan, it doesn't feel like that at all. By the end of the chapter, I am left even more confused than when I started, and not in a good way.

In any case, I think it'd be good if you asked yourself what is it you want your audience to take away, what kind of tone you want to create. Who is it that you want your main character to be? And how can you accomplish this without using childish dialogue where the villain says, "Ew, you're a stinky monster, MC!" while the MC whips back his silver hair to say, "Heh, you fool! Do you think I wanted to be a monster? I was [insert tragic backstory]. It was the world that made me a monster! Now I will mercifully allow you to die by the 1% of power leaking out of my pinky finger!!!"?
 

Teona

Member
Joined
Oct 25, 2021
Messages
21
Points
18
Your story feels like satire.

If that's intentional, then good job. If not, you might wanna reconsider the times the protagonist gloats about only using 15% of his power or when the villain spills all of his evil plans and intentions as if we were in some cliche action movie produced by 8th graders.

The in-depth advice I'd give you is from reading your first chapter is: try to be more focused with your writing.

Every scene should have an event/emotion, purpose, pulse (or tone), and structure.
  • Event/emotion - something that happens in a scene that elicits a reaction from the reader
  • Purpose - a clear narrative function for the reader (ex. to introduce the main character's background)
  • Structure - a beginning, middle, and end
  • And pulse - the vibrancy, life force, flow that drives the story and attracts your readers
Every scene, every description, every piece of dialogue, every sentence should have its own place in progressing the plot. Otherwise, cut such unnecessary fluff out of your work. It bores readers.

Right from the get-go, your story seems to be a bit disorganized and random. For example, you include this sentence when introducing the main character:

Is such information really necessary? Why do we have to know the protagonist is a half-white half-Asian man? From what I could tell, reading the rest of the chapter, such information is completely irrelevant. Other tidbits of odd information are scattered throughout the chapter as well. This piece of dialogue, for example:

Why add "which is a thousand times better than yours" or "stalking a public figure?" The "thousand times better than yours" just makes the main character seem jealous and insecure of his own looks, as though he were trying to convince himself of that. And the "stalking a public figure" is implied when it comes to idiotic paparazzi.

The most pertinent issue, however, is the confusing tone/pulse/purpose of the chapter. Is this supposed to be satire? Is this supposed to be basic wish-fulfillment? Or am I actually supposed to be awed by the protagonist saying "I only used 15% of my power" like he was some kind of Dragonball character? Even though the main character says he's emotionless, it barely comes through the page. Even though he says he loves his home Japan, it doesn't feel like that at all. By the end of the chapter, I am left even more confused than when I started, and not in a good way.

In any case, I think it'd be good if you asked yourself what is it you want your audience to take away, what kind of tone you want to create. Who is it that you want your main character to be? And how can you accomplish this without using childish dialogue where the villain says, "Ew, you're a stinky monster, MC!" while the MC whips back his silver hair to say, "Heh, you fool! Do you think I wanted to be a monster? I was [insert tragic backstory]. It was the world that made me a monster! Now I will mercifully allow you to die by the 1% of power leaking out of my pinky finger!!!"?
Thanks for this, I'll try to make some changes in the near future!
Your story feels like satire.

If that's intentional, then good job. If not, you might wanna reconsider the times the protagonist gloats about only using 15% of his power or when the villain spills all of his evil plans and intentions as if we were in some cliche action movie produced by 8th graders.

The in-depth advice I'd give you is from reading your first chapter is: try to be more focused with your writing.

Every scene should have an event/emotion, purpose, pulse (or tone), and structure.
  • Event/emotion - something that happens in a scene that elicits a reaction from the reader
  • Purpose - a clear narrative function for the reader (ex. to introduce the main character's background)
  • Structure - a beginning, middle, and end
  • And pulse - the vibrancy, life force, flow that drives the story and attracts your readers
Every scene, every description, every piece of dialogue, every sentence should have its own place in progressing the plot. Otherwise, cut such unnecessary fluff out of your work. It bores readers.

Right from the get-go, your story seems to be a bit disorganized and random. For example, you include this sentence when introducing the main character:

Is such information really necessary? Why do we have to know the protagonist is a half-white half-Asian man? From what I could tell, reading the rest of the chapter, such information is completely irrelevant. Other tidbits of odd information are scattered throughout the chapter as well. This piece of dialogue, for example:

Why add "which is a thousand times better than yours" or "stalking a public figure?" The "thousand times better than yours" just makes the main character seem jealous and insecure of his own looks, as though he were trying to convince himself of that. And the "stalking a public figure" is implied when it comes to idiotic paparazzi.

The most pertinent issue, however, is the confusing tone/pulse/purpose of the chapter. Is this supposed to be satire? Is this supposed to be basic wish-fulfillment? Or am I actually supposed to be awed by the protagonist saying "I only used 15% of my power" like he was some kind of Dragonball character? Even though the main character says he's emotionless, it barely comes through the page. Even though he says he loves his home Japan, it doesn't feel like that at all. By the end of the chapter, I am left even more confused than when I started, and not in a good way.

In any case, I think it'd be good if you asked yourself what is it you want your audience to take away, what kind of tone you want to create. Who is it that you want your main character to be? And how can you accomplish this without using childish dialogue where the villain says, "Ew, you're a stinky monster, MC!" while the MC whips back his silver hair to say, "Heh, you fool! Do you think I wanted to be a monster? I was [insert tragic backstory]. It was the world that made me a monster! Now I will mercifully allow you to die by the 1% of power leaking out of my pinky finger!!!"?
and also, like I said this is a first for me, so I don't how it should work out, but the only thing I can do right is to just keep improving things even if it's bit by bit lol
 

BubbleC

Floating Idiot
Joined
Jan 29, 2021
Messages
125
Points
63
Thanks for this, I'll try to make some changes in the near future!

and also, like I said this is a first for me, so I don't how it should work out, but the only thing I can do right is to just keep improving things even if it's bit by bit lol
No, sorry if my feedback was too harsh! I didn’t think you’d take the time to read it lol. Anyways keep on writing, and remember that writing is a practice. Every piece or thing you make will always be flawed no matter how good you get. But that’s the beauty in it, you get to see yourself grow. Hope you keep writing!
 
Top