Feedback wanted, willing to do feedback trades as well

[Eroningen]

Started writing this a few weeks ago:

Day after

Shera woke up with someone else in her bed, and soon realizes last night was a lot wilder than she'd bargained for. This is the story of two women exploring their newfound love for each other, both in and out of bed. ---------------- Some additional tags/disclaimers/warnings: While this...

www.scribblehub.com

What I'm looking for in terms of feedback:

• Could the synopsis be improved in terms of how well it describes the story? (I suck at writing synopses...)
• Anything in terms of the story itself (grammar, style, content)
• Any tips for visibility on the site?

I've managed to gather a sizable backlog of which I have maybe 8 more properly edited chapters, though half of those are on the other side of an amorphous unedited mass of "stuff"... I also have maybe half again as much unedited "stuff" on top of that. Also, I seem to have a great penchant for writing large amounts of side stuff, adding a bunch of shorter chapters not super related to the main romance POV. If people are super interested I might be persuaded to link to my google doc, but you'd need to have some good arguments for it.

More importantly, I would love for some suggestions on where to push this story into the future as I'm a bit dry on interesting ideas for the main plotline (though I have side stories and side characters popping up constantly in my head...). The main big plot points I still haven't written are the first date and a later more "fancy" date. I have some vague ideas of things the main romance pair would be butting heads over (adding in some much needed conflict), but nothing super concrete yet... What do you see as interesting in a romance slice of life?

 

[COLOC_Kid]

Started writing this a few weeks ago:
Day after

What I'm looking for in terms of feedback:

• Could the synopsis be improved in terms of how well it describes the story? (I suck at writing synopses...)
• Anything in terms of the story itself (grammar, style, content)
• Any tips for visibility on the site?

I've managed to gather a sizable backlog of which I have maybe 8 more properly edited chapters, though half of those are on the other side of an amorphous unedited mass of "stuff"... I also have maybe half again as much unedited "stuff" on top of that. Also, I seem to have a great penchant for writing large amounts of side stuff, adding a bunch of shorter chapters not super related to the main romance POV. If people are super interested I might be persuaded to link to my google doc, but you'd need to have some good arguments for it.

More importantly, I would love for some suggestions on where to push this story into the future as I'm a bit dry on interesting ideas for the main plotline (though I have side stories and side characters popping up constantly in my head...). The main big plot points I still haven't written are the first date and a later more "fancy" date. I have some vague ideas of things the main romance pair would be butting heads over (adding in some much needed conflict), but nothing super concrete yet... What do you see as interesting in a romance slice of life?

ok i'll read this but you have to read this and give me some feedback as well.

the dual serpents

What happens when a disorganized biologist gets transported into a different world as a dual serpent. The other half of the 'Twin of the Isles' is contained inside the egg. In the egg's body, a serpent-like beast emerges. The monster is completely different from its counterpart and is shrouded...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Eroningen]

ok i'll read this but you have to read this and give me some feedback as well.

the dual serpents

What happens when a disorganized biologist gets transported into a different world as a dual serpent. The other half of the 'Twin of the Isles' is contained inside the egg. In the egg's body, a serpent-like beast emerges. The monster is completely different from its counterpart and is shrouded...

www.scribblehub.com

Alright, here's my feedback after reading through!

Small stuff:

• Cover art: Aspect ratio is borked in the description view (but it does show up well in the chapter view), so it's really hard to make out what it's supposed to be.
• Chapter numbers would be nice, helps me keep track where I am in the story
• "Dense protagonist" and "Genius protagonist" makes for an interesting combo. There's not enough story yet to tell how it'll work out though.
• The premise that you have in the synopsis should probably be introduced in the story in some way.

General feedback:
The most glaring issue I found was that you assume the reader can read your mind, in a sense. There are a lot of places where you have written something as if it is obvious what it means, but as a reader I'm completely lost. An example is the esn stat, which I have no idea what it does.
I would say try to re read your story from the start and do your best to think as if you have no idea what the story is about.

Secondly, it feels as if the MC also seems to know everything from the start. If this is the intention, that's all well and good, but you still have to find some way to make sure that the reader understands all of the concepts. If this is not supposed to be the case, do the same thing as above: Imagine you are the MC, and try to think about what things the MC would know or not know in any specific situation and have them act accordingly.
An example is in the very beginning, when the MC seems overly interested in the "Mind of Logic" trait, which it turns out is the explanation for why the MC is not freaking out over what is happening. This feels a bit too forced for me as a reader, as it feels like the MC just knew exactly what to look for to explain to the reader what was happening.

Otherwise, your descriptions and transitions are generally somewhat abrupt, often due to the above feeling of "this should be obvious". For example in the first chapter, the only thing I know as a reader is that the MC gets hatched, there is a brother, there is some other larger entity (probably their mother or something), then all of a sudden there's a jungle?? And the MC just moves on with their life as if that's completely normal and expected.

"The scene fades out into a vast jungle."
"I aim to first compile a to-do list."

Both of these statements are right next to each other, and both of them feel like there's a lot of things I just missed as a reader. Why is there a jungle? Why doesn't the MC comment on where he was/is? Why doesn't the MC comment on what just happened? Why does he decide to compile a todo list? How does the jungle look?

I also added some comments on specific chapters since they were more specific to those chapters.

 

[COLOC_Kid]

Started writing this a few weeks ago:
Day after

What I'm looking for in terms of feedback:

• Could the synopsis be improved in terms of how well it describes the story? (I suck at writing synopses...)
• Anything in terms of the story itself (grammar, style, content)
• Any tips for visibility on the site?

I've managed to gather a sizable backlog of which I have maybe 8 more properly edited chapters, though half of those are on the other side of an amorphous unedited mass of "stuff"... I also have maybe half again as much unedited "stuff" on top of that. Also, I seem to have a great penchant for writing large amounts of side stuff, adding a bunch of shorter chapters not super related to the main romance POV. If people are super interested I might be persuaded to link to my google doc, but you'd need to have some good arguments for it.

More importantly, I would love for some suggestions on where to push this story into the future as I'm a bit dry on interesting ideas for the main plotline (though I have side stories and side characters popping up constantly in my head...). The main big plot points I still haven't written are the first date and a later more "fancy" date. I have some vague ideas of things the main romance pair would be butting heads over (adding in some much needed conflict), but nothing super concrete yet... What do you see as interesting in a romance slice of life?

Aside from the fact your novel seems very genre focused. I would enjoy to see more of her life. what makes a genuinely great novel is how other characters react and how it affects the main character. other than that you seem to be great. In my professional opinion you should cumake more chapters instead of a lot of words.

 

[Localforeigner]

Started writing this a few weeks ago:
Day after

What I'm looking for in terms of feedback:

• Could the synopsis be improved in terms of how well it describes the story? (I suck at writing synopses...)
• Anything in terms of the story itself (grammar, style, content)
• Any tips for visibility on the site?

I've managed to gather a sizable backlog of which I have maybe 8 more properly edited chapters, though half of those are on the other side of an amorphous unedited mass of "stuff"... I also have maybe half again as much unedited "stuff" on top of that. Also, I seem to have a great penchant for writing large amounts of side stuff, adding a bunch of shorter chapters not super related to the main romance POV. If people are super interested I might be persuaded to link to my google doc, but you'd need to have some good arguments for it.

More importantly, I would love for some suggestions on where to push this story into the future as I'm a bit dry on interesting ideas for the main plotline (though I have side stories and side characters popping up constantly in my head...). The main big plot points I still haven't written are the first date and a later more "fancy" date. I have some vague ideas of things the main romance pair would be butting heads over (adding in some much needed conflict), but nothing super concrete yet... What do you see as interesting in a romance slice of life?

I'm willing to do a swap. If interested beyond that, I would be up for a review swap.

I've skimmed some of it and so far it looks really good, btw.

 

[Eroningen]

I'm willing to do a swap. If interested beyond that, I would be up for a review swap.

I've skimmed some of it and so far it looks really good, btw.

I'll read it over, I might not read all of it right now, seeing as you've posted 40k words compared to my 8k, but I'll go over the first few chapters at least

EDIT: And I can do a review swap too, since we're gonna do feedback anyway =)

Merged post:
Alright, read up and including chapter 5 on Angel's Dirge.

Here's my general feedback (also added some comments on the chapters):

• Love the cover!
• Synopsis seems somewhat generic, but not bad. Definitely hooks me
• Why double spaces? I've seen some others do this as well, but I've never understood if there's any particular reason behind it?

Grammar, style and all that other stuff feels good, no major issues!

There are some places where it seems you've added some more stuff before/after a part and not quite managed to hide the seam (the comment on chapter 5 for example where Peri is thinking about how she met Debra, which has already been described earlier, but is described there as if we've never seen it before)

General premise feels somewhat generic, but not to the point where you'd go "meh, read it before". I'm definitely hooked and will probably read more!

 

[Localforeigner]

I'll read it over, I might not read all of it right now, seeing as you've posted 40k words compared to my 8k, but I'll go over the first few chapters at least

EDIT: And I can do a review swap too, since we're gonna do feedback anyway =)

Merged post:
Alright, read up and including chapter 5 on Angel's Dirge.

Here's my general feedback (also added some comments on the chapters):

• Love the cover!
• Synopsis seems somewhat generic, but not bad. Definitely hooks me
• Why double spaces? I've seen some others do this as well, but I've never understood if there's any particular reason behind it?

Grammar, style and all that other stuff feels good, no major issues!

There are some places where it seems you've added some more stuff before/after a part and not quite managed to hide the seam (the comment on chapter 5 for example where Peri is thinking about how she met Debra, which has already been described earlier, but is described there as if we've never seen it before)

General premise feels somewhat generic, but not to the point where you'd go "meh, read it before". I'm definitely hooked and will probably read more!

Thank you! Of course, I wouldn't expect you to read all of it unless you wanted to!

Double spaces...do you mean between paragraphs? Or after punctuation?

I'll look at the comments and try to respond there. Thank you!

Oh, as for your synopsis, it sounds fun and tells us what to expect. The only thing you might consider is talking a bit more about what is coming for our heroines. Obviously, the initial event starts the ball rolling, but where are we going after that? Like will they be dungeon explorers and adventurers as well as lovers? What will they be doing while they discover themselves and come to grips with their relationship?

 

[Eroningen]

What will they be doing while they discover themselves and come to grips with their relationship?

Uh, good question... The thing is this started as basically a one off smut short story which kind of exploded in my mind and docs into almost 30k words now. I'm just starting on day 2...

So I definitely need more character definition and worldbuilding in general, and I should probably try to sprinkle some of whatever I come up with into my synopsis and earlier chapters. Oh well, I still feel like there's more lurking around in my head, so at the worst case I'll just keep writing and then rewrite everything once I have a better grasp of what my muse is trying to convey to me.

 

[Localforeigner]

Uh, good question... The thing is this started as basically a one off smut short story which kind of exploded in my mind and docs into almost 30k words now. I'm just starting on day 2...

So I definitely need more character definition and worldbuilding in general, and I should probably try to sprinkle some of whatever I come up with into my synopsis and earlier chapters. Oh well, I still feel like there's more lurking around in my head, so at the worst case I'll just keep writing and then rewrite everything once I have a better grasp of what my muse is trying to convey to me.

At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with it just being a short story if that's all you come up with. You could always return or reuse the characters later if you have more ideas.