First Chapter Analysis

[Story_Marc]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Interesting, could you please give mine a shot.

Anima Aliena

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all. Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[callmeRENGOKU]

do it.

Dungeon Invaders

- In a land ruled by the Kirion Empire, mysterious outsiders are appearing everywhere, a girl from another world will have to learn in order to survive and find out what is happening, but nothing is so simple, and her adventure has just begun. WORLD MAP: https://i.ibb.co/CnWhcGm/...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Story_Marc]

Interesting, could you please give mine a shot.

Anima Aliena

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all. Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different...

www.scribblehub.com

AWESOME: I instantly get a Sci-Fi vibe, which helps set the tone well enough. I see potential in the way it's structured and it helps set a tone for things. I feel any reader who sees this knows what to expect from you. While I'm not the fondest of all the brackets, I DO think they're worth keeping for the vibe of this being an analysis/report going on from extraterrestrial lifeforms.

---

BORING: Some of the analysis information, as I don't feel there's much of a hook here. Also, the colors. I hate the colors so much. It... I'll go into it in the next part.

---

THE CONFUSING: It goes a too far into gimmicky, with things like the colors. It was frustrating because it feels overly stylistic. It reminded me of a certain quote, actually, from The Golden Theme. This will expand on it, but I often feel like this is trying to stand out instead of telling the story. It gets distracting.

"Style for style's sake is the goal of the amateur artist or storyteller. This is ego-based storytelling.

Young or inexperienced artists are very concerned with style and in recent years, their teachers have been telling them to find their style, their voice. They do not say to them, "Learn the craft of storytelling." Instead, they say, "Find your voice." This goal of finding one's voice is in direct conflict with the Golden Theme because it is a selfish goal. It comes out of a desire to be noticed.

It is showing off.

Think of it this way: would you feel safer crossing a high bridge where the designer was more concerned with the color of the paint than structural integrity? Or maybe you would like your surgery to be performed by a doctor who handled his instruments with flair? In these cases, emphasis on style seems ridiculous, doesn't it? If stories are for our survival, if they are medicine, then they cannot be about the storyteller. As a storyteller, you are a servant of your story, not the master. You must do what it requires, not what you want it to do. You must remove your ego from it. Art is not to show people who you are; it is to show people who they are. Or to put it more accurately, it is to show us who we are—as human beings.

---

THE MISSING: What I feel this lacks is more... well, I think of the Rule of Ten with this. A story should 1) portray a genre-pertinent event which 2) hooks audiences, and 3) inspires confidence in the author. For me, this doesn't inspire confidence because it feels way too much like it's trying to be noticed and impress without having a solid foundation with prose, which makes it harder to immerse. I'm not against experimental works, but I feel this quote might be the most relevant. This comes from Wired for Story:

But wait—doesn’t your story belong to you? Who says writers have to please everyone? First and foremost, don’t we have to write for ourselves, to speak our truth? Maybe. But ask yourself, when you read a novel, do you really ever want to know the writer’s truth? Do you even think about it? The truth we’re looking for is something we can relate to ourselves. Writers who focus on “their truth” tend to forget that as far as the reader is concerned, writing is about communication, not self-expression. That brings us to another myth whose neck we might want to wring:

MYTH: Writers Are Rebels Who Were Born to Break the Rules

REALITY: Successful Writers Follow the Damn Rules

Writers are often rebels. We buck the tide by trade. We have a fresh take on the familiar, and our goal is to translate that vision into a story so others can step into our world. Since we’re all about originality, why should we have to follow a tired old set of standards, anyway? Can’t we just peel that girdle off and breathe1 freely? After all, we make up stories; can’t we make up the rules, too?

It’s at about this point in the argument that someone always starts talking about Cormac McCarthy. He doesn’t follow the rules, and he won the Pulitzer. My response is always, He does follow the rules, but he’s done it in such an idiosyncratic way that it’s easy to take his style for a new set of rules. Yes, there are masters out there with such utterly distinct voices that they have the ability to instill an intoxicating sense of urgency in ways that seem to defy analysis. It’s in their DNA, which is why it cannot be duplicated. They’re in a rarefied minority. If we could write like them, we’d have long since been published, and universities would offer graduate seminars on our work.

On the other hand, the vast majority of extremely successful writers don’t write like them, either.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

AWESOME: I instantly get a Sci-Fi vibe, which helps set the tone well enough. I see potential in the way it's structured and it helps set a tone for things. I feel any reader who sees this knows what to expect from you. While I'm not the fondest of all the brackets, I DO think they're worth keeping for the vibe of this being an analysis/report going on from extraterrestrial lifeforms.

---

BORING: Some of the analysis information, as I don't feel there's much of a hook here. Also, the colors. I hate the colors so much. It... I'll go into it in the next part.

---

THE CONFUSING: It goes a too far into gimmicky, with things like the colors. It was frustrating because it feels overly stylistic. It reminded me of a certain quote, actually, from The Golden Theme. This will expand on it, but I often feel like this is trying to stand out instead of telling the story. It gets distracting.

---

THE MISSING: What I feel this lacks is more... well, I think of the Rule of Ten with this. A story should 1) portray a genre-pertinent event which 2) hooks audiences, and 3) inspires confidence in the author. For me, this doesn't inspire confidence because it feels way too much like it's trying to be noticed and impress without having a solid foundation with prose, which makes it harder to immerse. I'm not against experimental works, but I feel this quote might be the most relevant. This comes from Wired for Story:

I wasn't trying to be egotistical when I chose to distinguish the cores of the universe from the normal using colours.

Why colours? Their flexibility makes them a good tool for expression.

The universe while in the story is not part of it, meaning that I can't afford to integrate it too well in fear of losing the effect, its outsideness.

Everything that goes on, is allowed to do so for its own twisted sense of entertainment.

From the perspective of the universe, reality is a channel, and it has just found something to watch.

It is not one with the show, it is a viewer and a critique, giving its own opinion.

It's purpose? A commentator.

That is the game element that I chose.

 

[BenJepheneT]

As per every other feedback threads I've visited, I will provide a list of my works, and the reviewer gets to choose which one they wanna do.

---

Here be the three:

Caninstinct

Shiro believes he's been sent to the wrong school. Rormund Academy: home to only the best of the best. A school so exclusive even its name remains elusive to the public. An establishment where only the wealthiest, smartest, and most athletic students of the world reside. Shiro exhibits none of...

www.scribblehub.com

This one's a bit lengthy, clocking in at around 6k words. It's your run-of-the-mill first chapter; a bit of action set-up and a scenario to drive home the theme and the tone, but with a tiny twist to it. What's the twist? That's for me to know and for you to find out.

Kapal

Something tore the old world apart. Nobody knows what, when, why, or how. All that's left are dried remnants of the past and the birth of a new, savage, cruel world. Subjek woke up right at the cusp of a turning age for this desolate landscape; two roaring factions vying...

www.scribblehub.com

From hereon out the chapters would be segmented to better fit with the algorithm. In terms of technicality, Log 1.1 would be the first chapter. However, I personally consider Chapter One to encompass all of Log 1.1 to 1.5, as they are written as one long introductory chapter. I'll let you make the decision on whether to follow my intentions or conventional technicality. It's within my complete understanding if you stuck with the latter.

The first chapter in this instance is quite action-heavy, but I've done so with heavy links to establishing many factors the story will stand on in the future.

The Problem Store

There was a guy who went by the name of Guy. He lives in a World, and has many stories to tell about it. Stories of relationships, indulgence, brotherhood, reconciliation, women, and skinship. Especially women and skinship. Guy has a lot of stories about women and skinship. You may or...

www.scribblehub.com

It's smut. No extreme perverted stuff, but it's still literary porn. Just thought you should know first.

Though the story does have an official Chapter Uno, it does begin with a prologue. I'd advise skipping the prologue if you're here just for the first chapter. The first chapter would be Chapter 1.1. In contrast with Kapal, the numerals refer to contained narratives, which means 1.1 to 1.4 covers its main topic while 2.1 to 2.7 covers another. Here, you can stick with the normal numeral markings than whatever the fuck I did on my previous series.

---

Here be the poison. Now, feel free to pick.

 

[Story_Marc]

do it.

Dungeon Invaders

- In a land ruled by the Kirion Empire, mysterious outsiders are appearing everywhere, a girl from another world will have to learn in order to survive and find out what is happening, but nothing is so simple, and her adventure has just begun. WORLD MAP: https://i.ibb.co/CnWhcGm/...

www.scribblehub.com

AWESOME: First up, the poem at the beginning! It's a great tone setter and it got me invested in seeing how this plays out, who it is about, etc. It sets a nice romantic tone while also making clear the romance factor. I got interested. Also, your choice of an action scene so early can work. I'm glad you do try to get to the meat of things swiftly. It's good for trying to scratch the genre itch, which is important early on.

Also, I just want to give props to you for making this! There are a couple of signs of your inexperience I'll point out (and hopefully ways to refine it), but it made me nostalgic for when I first started out writing. Despite everything I'm going to go into, I just want to reiterate that I DON'T think this is a bad start at all, I'm just thinking of ways to build on it.

---

BORING: The opening scene. There are many articles on why you shouldn't do it this way. This one should suffice.

So, when it comes to an opening scene for a character, you should think about a characteristic moment. I actually made a video on this once (because I hate repeating myself to different people), so I'll link to it as it'll cover everything I'd say here and what advice I'd give.

---

CONFUSING: Actually not all that confused by this. I don't think clarity is your issue so much as...

---

MISSING: A lot of stuff that just comes with experience. For instance, the pacing for this feels WAY too fast. I get that it's meant to feel like we're thrown into this wild moment, that part works. For me, it shifts a bit to melodrama with it because I haven't been immersed yet and so I'm not emotionally synced with the protagonist. Though I can see the efforts with the introduction scene and how it does things to make them seem relatable. For me, I think the relatability feels a bit surface level. Maybe... I'm trying to find the best words for it and it's driving me crazy. I'll come back to this later if I can put my finger on it. Right now I'm thinking about B.C.I. "Believe, Care, and Invest" and I'm trying to put my finger on what's missing. But I don't want to take too long, so let's move on for now.

Reading it took me back to my earliest writing, actually, where I rushed through the action and tossed the reader into stuff in a fury. I'm someone who likes to get into the meat of things too, so I relate. Still, I just felt like I was emotionally left behind.

There's some prose stuff I can think to point out which will help you.

You do a lot of telling instead of showing. I'll point out ways you can catch it in a moment. Before I do, allow me to say this: I hate "show, don't tell" as advice. I agree with the actual spirit of it, but it's vague nonsense that doesn't give any practical guidance. Plus I feel "show vs. tell" is more accurately said as "evoking vs. informing." What you do is a lot of informing instead of immersing the reader.

A good example is you just naming emotions instead of showcasing them. You can show emotions through dialogue, vocal cues, body language, thoughts, and visceral reactions. It results in the reader experiencing things with them since they're interpreting it instead of just being told.

When it comes to red flags I've learned about, aside from naming emotions, using static verbs is the other one that jumps out to me for you. I'll quote a section from a book on that for you.

---

Red Flag #6 - Saw/Smelled/Heard/Felt/Tasted
One thing we need to do to make our fiction come alive is use the five senses. When we first start trying to do that, it’s easy to accidentally violate the show, don’t tell principle through words like saw, smelled, tasted, felt, and heard. Yet, if we simply do a search for those words and cut them out, we can end up losing important elements of our voice as well.

We need to find the balance. When we do a search for those words in our second (or third or fourth) draft, how can we know when to revise and when to leave them in?

Let’s start with a simple example.

Telling: Pat heard a gunshot in the distance.
Showing: A gunshot echoed over the treetops.

In the telling version, we’ve taken a step back, making ourselves more distant from the story. I’m telling you what happened, but I’m not letting you experience it. In the showing version, we’re standing beside Pat (or we’re inside his head), and so we experience the sound of the gunshot along with him. This is where point of view and showing vs. telling intersect. If the point-of-view character doesn’t experience something, then it can’t appear on the page.

In other words, you don’t need to tell us he heard a gunshot. Unless Pat is deaf (which could make for an exciting story), we know he heard the gunshot. You need to let us hear the gunshot along with him.

I’ll show you another one that uses sight and smell.

Telling: Emily saw orange and lemon trees on the horizon line, and the air smelled like spoiled fruit.

Not bad, right? You get an idea of where Emily is, and you know it smells bad. But we can bring it alive by bringing it closer.

Showing: Orange and lemon trees, limbs sagging with fruit, spread out across the length of the horizon. Wafts of fermented citrus made her nose tingle even though she was still a quarter mile away.

By taking away saw and smelled, we’re forced to think about vivid details that can bring a scene to life.

---

There's also some stuff you could do structurally better. For example...

---

"And I'm supposed to stand by? watching you murder that girl?!" Jody replied, shouting even louder.

---

With structuring dialogue, if you are identifying the speaker with a tag, often best to do as soon as possible. Also, I'd recommend sticking to "said" and "asked" most of the time, with the exception being for volume like shouted, since the dialogue often does the heavy lifting.

---

"And I'm supposed to stand by?" Judy asked. "Watching you murder that girl?!"

---

My overall impression of this is it's not bad. While it doesn't appeal to me specifically since I'd go crazy wanting to edit to smooth out the reading experience, I see potential!

I wasn't trying to be egotistical when I chose to distinguish the cores of the universe from the normal using colours.

Why colours? Their flexibility makes them a good tool for expression.

The universe while in the story is not part of it, meaning that I can't afford to integrate it too well in fear of losing the effect, its outsideness.

Everything that goes on, is allowed to do so for its own twisted sense of entertainment.

From the perspective of the universe, reality is a channel, and it has just found something to watch.

It is not one with the show, it is a viewer and a critique, giving its own opinion.

It's purpose? A commentator.

That is the game element that I chose.

The clarity issues remain the same for me. Especially when you're speaking about "expression", the very thing I criticized as being the issue: being more concerned with style than making the experience seamless for the reader.

I do like the concept in itself still for expressing it. It's just that there are aspects I feel reining some of it in would help make things easier and more enjoyable for a reader, based on my own experience, with the color stuff being the most prominent. I'm actually not against using color (I think to the visual novel Umineko now), but it combined with everything else comes across as too much for me.

To note, I can 100% be wrong with the cause of what went wrong. But I do stand by my emotional experience with it. I'll add this small bit from said part on "style."

A great painter does not paint things differently; he sees things differently. He is only painting the truth as he sees it. Your job as a storyteller is to tell the truth—the deep truth—the truth as you see it. If you do this even while trying not to have a style, you will have one. Style is what happens as a result of how you solve a given problem.

Legendary comic book storyteller Will Eisner put it this way: "Technique is secondary. Technique comes as a result of how you do what you do."

The other reason people concentrate on style is lack of confidence. It is a diversion—a misdirection. It is a way of saying notice me, but please don't see me. It is trying hard to dazzle people with style so that the focus is taken off real intrinsic problems. This makes as much sense as trying to cure cancer with a nice new suit.

The patient may look better, but he is still ill.

For me, it just doesn't inspire confidence because it's so radically different, experimental, and overwhelming with how much it demands from me as the reader from the start. It feels like it's trying to use words differently instead of just letting me focus on the story, which I find frustrating and makes me want to stop because I can't just immerse and enjoy the story. Hence the quotes which emphasize communication.

...Oh, this site merges comments. Interesting!

 

[ModernGold7ne]

AWESOME: First up, the poem at the beginning! It's a great tone setter and it got me invested in seeing how this plays out, who it is about, etc. It sets a nice romantic tone while also making clear the romance factor. I got interested. Also, your choice of an action scene so early can work. I'm glad you do try to get to the meat of things swiftly. It's good for trying to scratch the genre itch, which is important early on.

Also, I just want to give props to you for making this! There are a couple of signs of your inexperience I'll point out (and hopefully ways to refine it), but it made me nostalgic for when I first started out writing. Despite everything I'm going to go into, I just want to reiterate that I DON'T think this is a bad start at all, I'm just thinking of ways to build on it.

---

BORING: The opening scene. There are many articles on why you shouldn't do it this way. This one should suffice.

So, when it comes to an opening scene for a character, you should think about a characteristic moment. I actually made a video on this once (because I hate repeating myself to different people), so I'll link to it as it'll cover everything I'd say here and what advice I'd give.

---

CONFUSING: Actually not all that confused by this. I don't think clarity is your issue so much as...

---

MISSING: A lot of stuff that just comes with experience. For instance, the pacing for this feels WAY too fast. I get that it's meant to feel like we're thrown into this wild moment, that part works. For me, it shifts a bit to melodrama with it because I haven't been immersed yet and so I'm not emotionally synced with the protagonist. Though I can see the efforts with the introduction scene and how it does things to make them seem relatable. For me, I think the relatability feels a bit surface level. Maybe... I'm trying to find the best words for it and it's driving me crazy. I'll come back to this later if I can put my finger on it. Right now I'm thinking about B.C.I. "Believe, Care, and Invest" and I'm trying to put my finger on what's missing. But I don't want to take too long, so let's move on for now.

Reading it took me back to my earliest writing, actually, where I rushed through the action and tossed the reader into stuff in a fury. I'm someone who likes to get into the meat of things too, so I relate. Still, I just felt like I was emotionally left behind.

There's some prose stuff I can think to point out which will help you.

You do a lot of telling instead of showing. I'll point out ways you can catch it in a moment. Before I do, allow me to say this: I hate "show, don't tell" as advice. I agree with the actual spirit of it, but it's vague nonsense that doesn't give any practical guidance. Plus I feel "show vs. tell" is more accurately said as "evoking vs. informing." What you do is a lot of informing instead of immersing the reader.

A good example is you just naming emotions instead of showcasing them. You can show emotions through dialogue, vocal cues, body language, thoughts, and visceral reactions. It results in the reader experiencing things with them since they're interpreting it instead of just being told.

When it comes to red flags I've learned about, aside from naming emotions, using static verbs is the other one that jumps out to me for you. I'll quote a section from a book on that for you.

---

---

There's also some stuff you could do structurally better. For example...

---

---

With structuring dialogue, if you are identifying the speaker with a tag, often best to do as soon as possible. Also, I'd recommend sticking to "said" and "asked" most of the time, with the exception being for volume like shouted, since the dialogue often does the heavy lifting.

---

---

My overall impression of this is it's not bad. While it doesn't appeal to me specifically since I'd go crazy wanting to edit to smooth out the reading experience, I see potential!

The clarity issues remain the same for me. Especially when you're speaking about "expression", the very thing I criticized as being the issue: being more concerned with style than making the experience seamless for the reader.

I do like the concept in itself still for expressing it. It's just that there are aspects I feel reining some of it in would help make things easier and more enjoyable for a reader, based on my own experience, with the color stuff being the most prominent. I'm actually not against using color (I think to the visual novel Umineko now), but it combined with everything else comes across as too much for me.

To note, I can 100% be wrong with the cause of what went wrong. But I do stand by my emotional experience with it. I'll add this small bit from said part on "style."



For me, it just doesn't inspire confidence because it's so radically different, experimental, and overwhelming with how much it demands from me as the reader from the start. It feels like it's trying to use words differently instead of just letting me focus on the story, which I find frustrating and makes me want to stop because I can't just immerse and enjoy the story. Hence the quotes which emphasize communication.

...Oh, this site merges comments. Interesting!

Only chapter one is like that, but I understand the differences in preference.
Style was never a priority for me, I write for fun as a hobby, and decided to allow other people to enjoy my work.
I doubt that I'll ever try to publish this, especially because I see it as challenge to beat.
Like you said, it is experimental.

 

[Story_Marc]

Only chapter one is like that, but I understand the differences in preference.
Style was never a priority for me, I write for fun as a hobby, and decided to allow other people to enjoy my work.
I doubt that I'll ever try to publish this, especially because I see it as challenge to beat.
Like you said, it is experimental.

The fact the first chapter is the only one like that could make it a bad first impression. That said, truth be told, I'd argue that you should keep doing what you're doing if it's an experiment and you aren't concerned with how people feel about it since making yourself happy is the key to hobbies. And I would NEVER dissuade someone from pursuing writing as a hobby.

Taking that into account now, I think I may have a better quote that is more accurate to what's going on. I got this from Creative Authenticity, in Lesson #2 on Communication.

Artists have two responsibilities. The first is to express themselves. The second is to communicate. If artists don’t communicate, they have either been unsuccessful in their attempt or they are being self-indulgent by not trying, unless one of those rare moments occurs when a magical poetic statement happens for oneself alone. —Audrey Flack, ART & SOUL

I think that may be the cause of the communication, though I repeat, if just doing it as a hobby, I wouldn't stress my response since it means nothing in the grand scheme of your goal with writing. You do you!

 

[Story_Marc]

As per every other feedback threads I've visited, I will provide a list of my works, and the reviewer gets to choose which one they wanna do.

---

Here be the three:

Caninstinct

Shiro believes he's been sent to the wrong school. Rormund Academy: home to only the best of the best. A school so exclusive even its name remains elusive to the public. An establishment where only the wealthiest, smartest, and most athletic students of the world reside. Shiro exhibits none of...

www.scribblehub.com

This one's a bit lengthy, clocking in at around 6k words. It's your run-of-the-mill first chapter; a bit of action set-up and a scenario to drive home the theme and the tone, but with a tiny twist to it. What's the twist? That's for me to know and for you to find out.

Kapal

Something tore the old world apart. Nobody knows what, when, why, or how. All that's left are dried remnants of the past and the birth of a new, savage, cruel world. Subjek woke up right at the cusp of a turning age for this desolate landscape; two roaring factions vying...

www.scribblehub.com

From hereon out the chapters would be segmented to better fit with the algorithm. In terms of technicality, Log 1.1 would be the first chapter. However, I personally consider Chapter One to encompass all of Log 1.1 to 1.5, as they are written as one long introductory chapter. I'll let you make the decision on whether to follow my intentions or conventional technicality. It's within my complete understanding if you stuck with the latter.

The first chapter in this instance is quite action-heavy, but I've done so with heavy links to establishing many factors the story will stand on in the future.

The Problem Store

There was a guy who went by the name of Guy. He lives in a World, and has many stories to tell about it. Stories of relationships, indulgence, brotherhood, reconciliation, women, and skinship. Especially women and skinship. Guy has a lot of stories about women and skinship. You may or...

www.scribblehub.com

It's smut. No extreme perverted stuff, but it's still literary porn. Just thought you should know first.

Though the story does have an official Chapter Uno, it does begin with a prologue. I'd advise skipping the prologue if you're here just for the first chapter. The first chapter would be Chapter 1.1. In contrast with Kapal, the numerals refer to contained narratives, which means 1.1 to 1.4 covers its main topic while 2.1 to 2.7 covers another. Here, you can stick with the normal numeral markings than whatever the fuck I did on my previous series.

---

Here be the poison. Now, feel free to pick.

I read Kapal twice and re-doing what I wrote in my style.

AWESOME - First, I do like the fact you sought to anchor the reader. Also, I do like the effort you put into the description. Also, I do like the actual scene itself with the conflict that brewed between them and the ending cliffhanger would certainly make me want to continue to the next chapter.

BORING - All the detailed descriptions of every single character that makes incredibly long paragraphs. It makes for such a slow experience, especially since I just don't care. I just started skimming to get through it since it wasn't even all that exciting as prose.

CONFUSING - There are too many people introduced all at once, who lack names, so it overwhelmed me a bit.

MISSING - A lack of protagonist indictators. I have no clue who the main character is here, and given how many characters given, I couldn't immerse into anyone to know whose narrative and emotional experience I'm meant to share.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Since I'm not sure on what you meant by "re-doing what I write in style", I'll just reply to what you've written here for now. If it means that you'll be revising this feedback in due time, well shit, this reply wouldn't age very well.

AWESOME - First, I do like the fact you sought to anchor the reader. Also, I do like the effort you put into the description. Also, I do like the actual scene itself with the conflict that brewed between them and the ending cliffhanger would certainly make me want to continue to the next chapter.

That was the intent for the initial chapter. It was more of an introduction to the state of the world through character archetypes. Everyone's in tattered garments trudging their way through a wasteland in a rickety caravan. Everyone's either tired or in a bad mood. It's a decent establishment to make (I think) before officially unfolding the rest of the story.

BORING - All the detailed descriptions of every single character that makes incredibly long paragraphs. It makes for such a slow experience, especially since I just don't care. I just started skimming to get through it since it wasn't even all that exciting as prose.

When I first wrote this the intent was to mask whoever the role of the main character. Anyone could be the star of the show. Looking back at it, I could've done better over here, since I went overboard with the red herring.

CONFUSING - There are too many people introduced all at once, who lack names, so it overwhelmed me a bit.

Yes, that's also one of the more lacking aspects of Kapal's initial few chapters. I wanted to experiment with substituting names with short descriptors.

It did not work.

MISSING - A lack of protagonist indictators. I have no clue who the main character is here, and given how many characters given, I couldn't immerse into anyone to know whose narrative and emotional experience I'm meant to share.

That was the point of the chapter. I figured it's a rational risk to make within 2k words. I switched out emotional and narrative investment with an action cliffhanger and mystery to pull the readers in before slowly introducing them to the former once Log 1.3 - 1.4 starts to roll in. I wanted to get the tone out of the way before giving an overall theme to the story.

 

[Story_Marc]

Since I'm not sure on what you meant by "re-doing what I write in style", I'll just reply to what you've written here for now. If it means that you'll be revising this feedback in due time, well shit, this reply wouldn't age very well.


That was the intent for the initial chapter. It was more of an introduction to the state of the world through character archetypes. Everyone's in tattered garments trudging their way through a wasteland in a rickety caravan. Everyone's either tired or in a bad mood. It's a decent establishment to make (I think) before officially unfolding the rest of the story.


When I first wrote this the intent was to mask whoever the role of the main character. Anyone could be the star of the show. Looking back at it, I could've done better over here, since I went overboard with the red herring.


Yes, that's also one of the more lacking aspects of Kapal's initial few chapters. I wanted to experiment with substituting names with short descriptors.

It did not work.


That was the point of the chapter. I figured it's a rational risk to make within 2k words. I switched out emotional and narrative investment with an action cliffhanger and mystery to pull the readers in before slowly introducing them to the former once Log 1.3 - 1.4 starts to roll in. I wanted to get the tone out of the way before giving an overall theme to the story.

I wrote the feedback outside of my previous style and redid it. XD I was a bit exhausted at the time, looked back at it, and was like "No, he deserves the same attention as everybody else! Stop being lazy, Marc!"

Anyway, doing that with the protagonist is a terrible idea IMO. Intention doesn't change the impact it had on me as the reader. I'd like to toss out this in response to The Secrets of Story. This is the 4th law of writing for strangers.

#4: Audiences Don't Care About Stories; They Care About Characters
This is probably the most shocking of all of the laws. Could this really be true? Yes, it can, and once you notice it, you see it everywhere. That’s when so many things start to make sense.

Two of the worst box office flops of this century are John Carter and Green Lantern. In both cases, audiences immediately knew they were in for an epic disaster because the movies begin with a long, ponderous voice-over and special-effects montage showing us the entire history of an alien civilization. This is almost always a sign you’re watching a flop.

These montages represent a fundamental misunderstanding of how stories work: They assume the audience is going to care about the plot. The fact is that audiences, no matter how much they love the story, can’t really care about the plot; they can only really care about the hero.

Two weeks before John Carter opened, a profile of director Andrew Stanton ran in The New Yorker. Writer Tad Friend portrays Stanton as a frantic micromanager who is belatedly coming to suspect that his movie doesn’t work. Nevertheless, he’s still unwilling to compromise, despite the best efforts of his colleagues to set him straight. Here’s how Friend describes the problem:

At most studios, filmmakers try to keep the execs at bay, but at Pixar the Brain Trust of six to twelve story gurus is intimately involved in revising every movie—“ plussing” it, in Pixar’s term. They were confused by the film’s beginning, in which Princess Dejah delivered a lecture about the state of the Barsoomian wars, and they found her arch and stony. John Lasseter asked Stanton, “What are people going to hang on to and care about?” Stanton is famously candid in other people’s Brain Trust sessions, and famously prickly in his own. The Brain Trust suggested a fix for the opening: Why don’t we discover Mars through John Carter’s eyes, when he arrives? “That’s lazy thinking, guys,” Stanton replied. “If I do that, then thirty minutes in I’m going to have to stop the film to explain the war, and Dejah, and who everyone is, and we’re going to have even bigger problems.”

But the Brain Trust was right. When the movie was released, audiences laughed it off the screen. Nobody cared about the history of Mars. Stanton had it backward.

It may seem sad to hear the audience will never care about your story, but it’s actually great news, since it makes your job a lot easier. While it’s insanely hard to get an audience to truly care about your hero, the upside is that it’s all you have to do.

Stanton put himself in an impossible position: His movie had five unrelated framing sequences, and he expected his audience to find a new way to care about each one. But we weren’t going to care about Mars until John cared about Mars.

Indeed, this is exactly how author Edgar Rice Burroughs arranged it in the movie’s excellent source novel, A Princess of Mars. First, we invest ourselves in John’s journey, and then we see how Mars affects that journey. Burroughs was a grand master of creating wild worlds, but he first created compelling characters. Once we were invested, he knew we would follow them anywhere.

Actually, it weaves well into what doesn't work with the 5th Law, which I'll share for your consideration as it expands on the issue I felt with it being confusing and why the above would make it less confusing.

5. The Best Way to Introduce Every Element of Your Story is From Your Hero’s Point of View

Once you’ve gotten us to care about the hero, you’ve got a huge resource: We’ll care about anything the hero cares about. Writers are smart to maximize this resource to its full potential by introducing almost every story element from the hero’s point of view.

Don’t get me wrong: Certainly a lot of great stories have been written where we meet several different elements separately, but their authors are choosing to run uphill. If you want to make things easier on your audience, let the hero be their guide.

The Harry Potter novels and the TV series The Sopranos are two very different sagas, but they benefit greatly by obeying this law. In both cases, each character is first defined by our hero’s feelings. The hero is not just one of many characters we meet all at once; he’s our point of view, our guide to this universe.

In time, these sagas became wildly complex, with a lot of fully rounded characters and satisfying subplots. And crucially, in both cases, the audience eventually breaks away from the hero’s point of view. At first, all we understand about each character is what the hero understands, and we share the hero’s prejudices about each character. (We initially share Tony’s belief that his wife is unreasonable and Harry’s belief that Professor Snape is a villain.) But once the world is established, we begin to see complexities in these characters that the hero can’t.

In each case, these character complexities gradually emerge. Both J.K. Rowling and David Chase knew it would be too ambitious to present several coequal points of view right from the beginning. The best way to introduce these two worlds is from one point of view. Then, only once we’re situated, show that the hero’s perspective is actually limited and his world is more complex than he (or we) first perceived.

You always risk stopping a story dead when you cut away to a dramatic, quirky introduction of a secondary character who doesn’t yet have any obvious connection to the hero. In most cases, it’s too much to ask us to separately identify and care about an endless stream of new characters.

Even if we’re switching to villains your hero isn’t aware of yet, they should still be defined by their relationship to your hero, either as the unseen obstacle to the hero’s goal or as the negation of the hero’s philosophy. This makes writing much easier because you don’t have to make the audience care about every person, place, and thing individually. The audience only cares about seeing the hero tackle this challenge. Since everything else in the story is defined in relationship to that challenge, the audience will naturally care about each of these things, too, simply by caring about that one thing. But, of course, all of this depends on your ability to get people to invest in your hero.

I could grab from other resources which add these same arguments about how important it is to focus on investing the audience in the protagonist as soon as possible, such as "Solid Story Compass" and "Wired for Story." Wired for Story goes more into the neuroscience behind why, but I don't know if you're interested in all that, so I won't copy it all.

At any rate, this is just me grabbing from my research stuff since it helps me understand what I emotionally went through and perhaps give you something to consider. Since, as said, I had to re-read it to actually get through it. I got lost, got frustrated, took a break from it, and had to come back to it to get through it. The ending wouldn't have been effective for me if I never reached it because of the problems I pointed out. So when it comes to the protagonist stuff, I recommend making clear who the protagonist is and making us invest in them as swiftly as possible since the attention required for all the mystery stuff hasn't been earned yet. It overwhelms instead of intrigues.

Despite that, I do see potential in it from what I pointed out as the positives, but those other things I mention hold it back for me.

Also, of the stuff I've read so far today when reviewing or giving feedback, I'd say yours was the best so far.

I actually hate my critique side since I feel it seems way more negative, when that's far from my intent. It's more I just wish to inform people as honestly as possible and grab whatever from my research for their consideration. To give something concrete to consider. As I always say with anybody though, if you feel this isn't valuable or I'm wrong, ignore me!

To give one of my favorite quotes which I apply as a writer with anything I study...

Do not accept any of my words on faith,
Believing them just because I said them.
Be like an analyst buying gold, who cuts, burns,
And critically examines his product for authenticity.
Only accept what passes the test
By proving useful and beneficial in your life.

For me, just looking over these and the emotional experience I had here (and the fact it's not the first time it's happened) helps to prove the advice to me. But I highly recommend deciding for yourself if this is valuable or not.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Anyway, doing that with the protagonist is a terrible idea IMO. Intention doesn't change the impact it had on me as the reader. I'd like to toss out this in response to The Secrets of Story. This is the 4th law of writing for strangers.

While I do agree that audiences are to value the character more so than their journey, I'd argue that the same effect can be achieved when introducing the character through the first few steps of their journey. It's a deliberate shot to the kneecap to work from ass backwards, but I think it can still work if an equilibrium is achieved. As many storytelling theories state, there is a certain period to any tale that audiences are willing to invest in before dropping off.

What most stories that begin with world-building fail the most, to me, is failing to run a connection with the main character. In John Carter's case, what good is a backstory when it doesn't even relate to the character in question we'll be watching the rest of the movie from? Though John does involve himself in Mars soon enough, it came too late in the runtime for it to fix anything.

With Kapal's first chapter, I sought to hit that period just long enough before justifying its presence, as I feel like it hits harder than if done conventionally. Kinda like getting paid after doing the work, rather than before. Think Blade from 1998. The movie begins with a sequence of a party before divulging its seedier underbelly of it being the local vampires' feeding ground. Just as the horror hits its peak, the titular Blade steps in and ties the entire premise in full circle in just 10 minutes. It justifies the mystery retrospectively and allows for higher rewatchability in the second viewing, where you're letting yourself take in the atmosphere of the scene so that the reveal you knew was gonna come hits just that harder.

I tried to emulate that in Kapal, all while utilizing its first scene to establish the world and ground the protagonist just a little bit more into the setting. From what I've read and experienced, most post-apocalyptic stories suffer a trait where the protagonist seems detached from the rest of the story in a way where their character and actions seem to heed no impact from the setting. This is good in setting a unique main character for readers to root for, but the irreversible downside is that you could just see that faint outline of the author's hand guiding every action they make, and it's very easy to break that immersion once you spot it. A special character is special, yes, but they have to be special within their given context. This is, what I believe, separates protagonists from being characters the reader follows BECAUSE they are the protagonists, and characters the story just so happens to pick for the readers to follow. You might argue the former holds more weight than the latter, but from personal experience, the former is good for the moment-to-moment experience, but the latter sticks with you even after you put the pages down.

I wanted Kapal to be the latter, and if I have to sacrifice a few potential readers at the start just to ingrain my protagonist deeper into the setting, then so be it. For the price of being overwhelmed in the first few thousand words, I will give you not only a justification for your prior investment but a character that not only grows but sticks with you over time.

Intention doesn't change the impact, yes, but I still think there is merit to my theory here. Perhaps a rewrite someday will rectify it.

Actually, it weaves well into what doesn't work with the 5th Law, which I'll share for your consideration as it expands on the issue I felt with it being confusing and why the above would make it less confusing.

This I had to sacrifice for the first chapter to hit its intended notes. I don't know if you've read up to Log 1.5 or not. If so, the rest of what I'm about to write would be somewhat confusing and potential spoilers.

The reason I wanted the first few chapters to have segmented perspectives alien to the protagonist is that I wanted a sense of detachment present to the protagonist for the rest of the story. I don't want the protagonist to sit on the center stage as a force of change, but rather as an agent of spontaneity.

Compared to a conventional strategy of introducing the main character first and pitting them into a situation where they'll prove their worth as a protagonist, I opted for a "here and now" tactic. With this, there's no expectation for nor is there any special, stand-out trait for the protagonist. He just shows up and does his thing, irrespective of what the world or audience dictates should happen. Whereas a protagonist that is first humanized before being put in an ugly situation would be judged on his character, what I wanted to do with this protagonist was to have his character established with a prior response to an ugly situation and then have his humanity questioned, further cementing the detached, alien sense I wanted him to occupy.

Again, intentions and effects. Don't take this the wrong way; I'm just justifying what I was trying to do in those chapters.

At any rate, this is just me grabbing from my research stuff since it helps me understand what I emotionally went through and perhaps give you something to consider. Since, as said, I had to re-read it to actually get through it. I got lost, got frustrated, took a break from it, and had to come back to it to get through it. The ending wouldn't have been effective for me if I never reached it because of the problems I pointed out. So when it comes to the protagonist stuff, I recommend making clear who the protagonist is and making us invest in them as swiftly as possible since the attention required for all the mystery stuff hasn't been earned yet. It overwhelms instead of intrigues.

That was the price I had to pay. If I caught a reader on a bad or particularly impatient day, that would be the end of my story's engagement with them, but for the rest of the story to work without interruption, I had to write it as so. I'm glad you sat with it to the ending, regardless of whether the price I paid was worth the intended effect.

Also, of the stuff I've read so far today when reviewing or giving feedback, I'd say yours was the best so far.

Aw, thanks. This was also one of the more insightful critiques I've gotten in the several feedback threads I've frequented.

I actually hate my critique side since I feel it seems way more negative, when that's far from my intent. It's more I just wish to inform people as honestly as possible and grab whatever from my research for their consideration. To give something concrete to consider. As I always say with anybody though, if you feel this isn't valuable or I'm wrong, ignore me!

No, no, that is what I was looking for. Critiques will always bring with them a sense of negativity as it is, in a blunt sense, dissecting someone else's work to point out the flaws of their effort. It's not an optimistic gesture by any means, but it is a necessary step for any author to grow, or at least find a new avenue to pursue.

To give one of my favorite quotes which I apply as a writer with anything I study...



For me, just looking over these and the emotional experience I had here (and the fact it's not the first time it's happened) helps to prove the advice to me. But I highly recommend deciding for yourself if this is valuable or not.

That goes for any critics, really. From my perspective, accept all that comes your way; they are the responses people give to your work after all. Whether you let it change or reinforce your work, it's up to the recipient to decide whether to do anything with said responses. For me, I think this is pretty useful for my future endeavours. I thank you for that.

 

[LilRora]

Hmmm would you mind if I sent the thing in a private message? Cause I have yet to publish the first chapter of a new story of mine, but I'd be interested in someone's opinion about it before I do that.

 

[CrazyKid21]

I want to give it a go

 

[EternalSunset0]

Sure. Give mine a go. I'm uploading volume 6 some time this week, but people will surely go for the first one once that hits, so a little refining or polishing can help.

Not sure if you count the prologue as the first chapter or want to read the first chapter itself (which is 1 and 2). "Disturbance at Night" is the "real" end of chapter 1, just that I split everything for the first volume (which is why volume 1 has way more chapters than the rest)

Fractal Plane: Awakener’s Pact | Scribble Hub

 

[Story_Marc]

Hmmm would you mind if I sent the thing in a private message? Cause I have yet to publish the first chapter of a new story of mine, but I'd be interested in someone's opinion about it before I do that.

Sure, go ahead!

Sure. Give mine a go. I'm uploading volume 6 some time this week, but people will surely go for the first one once that hits, so a little refining or polishing can help.

Not sure if you count the prologue as the first chapter or want to read the first chapter itself (which is 1 and 2). "Disturbance at Night" is the "real" end of chapter 1, just that I split everything for the first volume (which is why volume 1 has way more chapters than the rest)

Fractal Plane: Awakener’s Pact | Scribble Hub

Prologue counts. To quote KM Weiland in Structuring Your Novel...

Q. If I decide I need to include a prologue and epilogue in my story, how will they fit into the structure?

A. We often view prologues and epilogues as taking place outside the main story, but in order for them to work, they not only can fit into the novel’s basic structure, but they must. An easy trick for picturing the role played by a prologue or epilogue within the overall story structure is to forget about their special titles and think of them as nothing more than the first and last chapters. As such, the prologue must include, at the least, all the features of the Hook, while the epilogue will function as the Resolution.

The danger with prologues is that the prologue and chapter one must both aim to pull it off.

 

[NotAUniquename4502]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

Here's how I'll try to do it. I'll identify...

1) THE AWESOME: What I feel was done well with the opening
2) THE BORING: What I feel doesn't work well and could be removed
3) THE CONFUSING: Where I feel clarity is needed.
4) WHAT'S MISSING: What I think could be added.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes (extreme stuff like fetishized rape), but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's works a bit so they can better entertain their intended audience.

Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay, so im just going along with what i want to do and hoping i dont screw up too badly
This do be the story

 

[CKJ5]

I'm game. Let's see what my first chapter does.

Fragments from the Wildlands

“Your first death is always the hardest.” Miguela was the third-born child of a well-off merchant family and knew from around the time she could speak that her life’s path was already decided for her by her father. She was to become an Orator, as was Xandran tradition. However,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Story_Marc]

Going to try and do one of these a day. I'm working on one right now, based on what I felt like grabbing. I have skimmed over almost all of this so far. I might change my format a bit, to a simple "Pass or Fail" with me.