The first line already bores me. I've seen maybe three million reincarnation stories, most of them shit, so what makes yours different? I have no idea, except for the fact that the dude has something to do with a gorilla. Okay, but these days, every isekai has some strange attention-grabber. Your first line makes me think that this is another of those shit isekais. Make your first line impactful, intriguing, unique, or funny. Make me interested in what the rest of your c1 has to offer; your c1 can be the most amazing c1 on this planet and not matter because the reader got bored after the first paragraph. There are many resources available online on how to write a good opening hook: use them.
Yep, thought that would turn readers away. I've read one too many of them, and most of them had this line, especially if they were LitRPG or GameLit. But too late, I guess, I wrote the first chapter at the dead of night, and thought '**** it and went ahead with posting it anyway.'
You switch tenses for no reason. Yes, it's first person. Yes, first person allows the author to use present tense when writing the narrator's thoughts. However, that does not mean that you should switch to first person every other paragraph. Work the narrator's direct thoughts into the narrative instead. I gave an example on my last review; check that out.
Yeah, I'm no grammar nazi, but this is very insightful to my writing skills. I may have wrote tons of fictions, but the most I'm skilled with is 3rd person, but I'm working with 1st person now, since this fic is MC-centric, so your advice will be extremely helpful. I just can't seem to grasp writing them properly due to how unorganized my thoughts are everytime I do something. Has to do with something with my mentality... I dunno...
I spent about 20 mins thinking over how to word this 3rd point. I've gotten nowhere. Basically, your writing feels like mine when I was in 7th grade. I suppose it's not entirely a bad thing; several popular web serials feel like this. The only advice I can really give is to read more published books. Preferably not YA.
Hm... well, I mostly don't read those since I'm stuck in fanfiction, but hey, there are writing styles similar to those in what I read, and I can use them as reference. I'll try to experiment with the next chapter.
Once again, thanks for the helpful feedback (seriously, I've been waiting for criticism like this for a long time). Have fun in your next endeavors to review other fictions!
Edit: Had a problem with the quote feature... still new to forums.