Have some free time to give constructive feedback?

[Alkareel]

Working on writing something new, hope to reach out and get a few more impressions.

Regarding a Returning King's Magic - Link to Google Docs

Genre: Fantasy
Setting: Modern Medieval
Word Count: 4,300
Summary: The One-Armed King had spent over ten years fighting within the Spirit Domain. He encounters a calamity and defeats it at the cost the lives of everyone he knew. He himself was also approaching death. In his final moments, he wonders how everything would have turned out had he never been crippled. What ensues, you can probably tell by the title.
Content Warnings: beams of light and a “gurgle out blood”

There are two more chapters available that I haven't put on there. Haven't posted this on any site yet, I'll stockpile some chapters first.
Any critique is appreciated!
/ Flow / Character / Plot / Pacing / Style /

 

[Zirrboy]

Not really constructive, but here goes

The excerpt ends with a cliffhanger, but aside from that, the interactions of the two after his arm is cut are more intriguing to me personally than the "you beat me so now I'm going to follow you and become your friend" scenario this seems to be leading up to.

Or maybe I am underestimating your plans, who knows?

But otherwise this seems good!

 

[HappyVainGlory]

It's pretty good!

The flow is good. A bit jerky here and there when you make a sentence try to do too much, but that's a balance you pick up with time and practice.

Characters seem interesting. I really like Solitaria and Roa seems like he'll be good for character development.

Can't speak to plot since there's so little, but it seems to be an interesting start.

Pacing is pretty good too. A decent amount happens, and it's fairly interesting stuff. The only part that stuck out to me as being a bit off was the combat scene. To me, it's not quite... impactful? Actiony? Still good, but not to my personal taste or the way I'd do it.

The style is pretty neat and reminiscent a bit of... Well, I'm not too sure. I want to say traditional publishing, but I guess it's more of like the popular stories I once read on Royalroad? Hard to pin down, but not bad. Actually really good. It's a bit refreshing.

Overall 8/10 so far, and only because there's not much yet.

 

[Alkareel]

Not really constructive, but here goes

The excerpt ends with a cliffhanger, but aside from that, the interactions of the two after his arm is cut are more intriguing to me personally than the "you beat me so now I'm going to follow you and become your friend" scenario this seems to be leading up to.

Or maybe I am underestimating your plans, who knows?

But otherwise this seems good!

It's pretty good!

The flow is good. A bit jerky here and there when you make a sentence try to do too much, but that's a balance you pick up with time and practice.

Characters seem interesting. I really like Solitaria and Roa seems like he'll be good for character development.

Can't speak to plot since there's so little, but it seems to be an interesting start.

Pacing is pretty good too. A decent amount happens, and it's fairly interesting stuff. The only part that stuck out to me as being a bit off was the combat scene. To me, it's not quite... impactful? Actiony? Still good, but not to my personal taste or the way I'd do it.

The style is pretty neat and reminiscent a bit of... Well, I'm not too sure. I want to say traditional publishing, but I guess it's more of like the popular stories I once read on Royalroad? Hard to pin down, but not bad. Actually really good. It's a bit refreshing.

Overall 8/10 so far, and only because there's not much yet.

Thank you! Both were good to hear. Yeah, the fight doesn't end there, something else happens after that :D
Hmm, fight scenes though. I'm not entirely confident when writing them.

 

[HappyVainGlory]

Thank you! Both were good to hear. Yeah, the fight doesn't end there, something else happens after that :D
Hmm, fight scenes though. I'm not entirely confident when writing them.

Glad to help!

Fighting scenes... Well, I've found it helpful to just copy fighting scenes that I enjoy reading as practice. If you're not confident in them, just go look around for the ones you think are good and try rewriting them as an exercise. That should help.

Right now, you've got the basics down, but it's still a bit... vanilla? Missing that punch (no pun intended). Though that's just something to keep in mind if you want to polish things up. I wouldn't focus on it as a priority though, since more practice overall should help you improve too.

 

[Alkareel]

Glad to help!

Fighting scenes... Well, I've found it helpful to just copy fighting scenes that I enjoy reading as practice. If you're not confident in them, just go look around for the ones you think are good and try rewriting them as an exercise. That should help.

Right now, you've got the basics down, but it's still a bit... vanilla? Missing that punch (no pun intended). Though that's just something to keep in mind if you want to polish things up. I wouldn't focus on it as a priority though, since more practice overall should help you improve too.

Noted. That's a good tip on fighting scenes, will do!
I think I know what you're saying. I got an idea from someone else's comment on the thing.

 

[HappyVainGlory]

Oh! I didn't even know we could leave comments on the document. I thought it was just read only. In that case, I'll go through in a bit and comment on some stuff. I'll add more throughout the day in my spare time tomorrow.

 

[Zirrboy]

Thank you! Both were good to hear. Yeah, the fight doesn't end there, something else happens after that :D

In that case please give me a ping once chapter 3 is published, since I don't check the main page often enough to work by status notifications
I'm excited to see what you have in store!

 

[Alkareel]

In that case please give me a ping once chapter 3 is published, since I don't check the main page often enough to work by status notifications
I'm excited to see what you have in store!

Yes! Will do! I'm glad you liked it :D

 

[greyblob]

so I've read the first two pages three times over to get any idea about what was happening. it's extremely confusing. I think you need easier and more consistent paragraphing. but that might just be me since no one else complained about this

 

[Zirrboy]

so I've read the first two pages three times over to get any idea about what was happening. it's extremely confusing. I think you need easier and more consistent paragraphing. but that might just be me since no one else complained about this

I've done MTL editing in the past, so I'm used to it. It is pretty jumbled at times.

From my own impression, it seems like the description of a visual image of the scene. Which leads to an odd lack of focus.

 

[greyblob]

I've done MTL editing in the past, so I'm used to it. It is pretty jumbled at times.

From my own impression, it seems like the description of a visual image of the scene. Which leads to an odd lack of focus.

the majority of readers won't be giving this a second chance if the first few lines are difficult to grasp. coherency is key

 

[Alkareel]

the majority of readers won't be giving this a second chance if the first few lines are difficult to grasp. coherency is key

I'll try to make it easier to understand. xD

 

[greyblob]

I'll try to make it easier to understand. xD

I don't mind the extensive descriptions. they just have to fit together. here's a little something since I just got to my pc (and the google doc is very crowded)

Spoiler

“Take it! Take my worthless name away!”

A weak shout was all the seat of Antareshe could muster. His bladed weapon shone with an ethereal gleam. It weighed less than a feather, yet he could not raise it above his shoulder. At least, he managed to direct the sharp end towards his the opponent.

A modest frame that stood over 5 meters tall; history’s greatest threat that reemerged from the Spirit Domain, the Mad Calamity, Harbinger of Frozen Ash, the Mother Dragon: Solitaria.

On the other hand, there he was: The 15th, the seat of Antares; the star that had no light; Roa Fariche, the pitiful One-Armed King. “Not Hadar, not Rigel, not Arcturus… not even Sirius… To think that I would be the one to deliver the final blow.”

I have no clue what you mean by name and spirit, so I removed most of it since I didn't know where it fit. Introducing the MC for the first time in the same paragraph as his opponents is very confusing. I was under the impression he was fighting two people Solitaria and Roa.

Just remember to keep your paragraphs tidy and neat. Each one needs to have a single idea. If it feels to short, you can add more prose or body language. If the paragraph serves no purpose it shouldn't be there. If it serves more than one purpose it should be split.
This was the most jumbled part I read. The rest seems okay, and others appear to have already pointed out most of the issues, but I'll take a look at the rest anyway.

 

[SilvCrimBlac]

Modern Medieval

Say what?

 

[Alkareel]

Say what?

mostly medieval with some modern elements, idk i just put the two together lol

Just remember to keep your paragraphs tidy and neat. Each one needs to have a single idea. If it feels to short, you can add more prose or body language. If the paragraph serves no purpose it shouldn't be there. If it serves more than one purpose it should be split.
This was the most jumbled part I read. The rest seems okay, and others appear to have already pointed out most of the issues, but I'll take a look at the rest anyway.

Oooh, okay! Will do so ! Thank you :D