Writing Hooking the Reader

[Poshmafia]

Hello, so I am posting the first scene of my Orig story, and here is what I am wondering:

Does this hook you as a reader?

Exiting this first scene are there any red flags that make you say nuh ugh we droppin' this %#!@$.

Also showing vs telling. Generally, it is said/considered that showing is better than telling. Is this telling? Are the things that are going through my mind as the writer being shown through the text to the reader?

Obviously, it is 600 hundred words, so I am asking after first impressions, your experiences as well as things you have learned or would recommend I also learn. Thanks!

Spoiler: Scene 1

"Brother Chen," A boy of 10 called out to me, his face red sweat gathering at his temples, the golden trim of his robes not so different from mine denoting his high importance within the Sect.

"Ling Yan!" I interrupted, my righteous indignation taking control, stopping the one named Yan in his tracks. "Did I desecrate your mother's grave? Pluck the flower of you're Fairylike Fiancé? Am I Sun Chen so unworthy of face? That you dare to challenge me! If I do not turn you black and blue, then this one is not named Sun!" My speech finished as I crossed my arms in front of my chest, clearly denoting my heroic stature and appeal.

I very much did not see one Ling Yan roll his eyes as he looked around the meditation chamber I had been occupying.

"Wait, Brother Chen, where is Attendant Yang?" My declaration of war ignored; indeed, children these days have no sense of respect. The least he could have done is pretend to take me seriously.

But still, Attendant Yang, I couldn't keep the smile off my face; he was an adorably awkward young man, with a weak spot for the fairer sex, making him truly so easy to manipulate.

"Hey! Brother Chen, you have that evil smile again."

Huh? Ohh.

"Attendant Yang is currently appreciating the Manors Beauty."

"You mean he is watching the maids again." Ling Yan said, making his feelings quite obvious. Shrugging, I watched the boy in front of me glow with the aura of a young hero. Honestly, the side of righteousness had a Paragon in this kid.

Hiding my smirk, I resumed the cool down stretches I had been doing before Ling Yan had run in, "It keeps him out of my hair, so it is good enough for me."

"But… but he could be relieved or banished." The last word spoken in a harsh whisper, ahh to be ten again.

"Then I guess the maids need to worry about one less admirer." In truth, I hoped the stupid fool would get caught putting his dick in the wrong girl and be gone from my life; he talked far too much and didn't have nearly enough brain cells to make even a tenth of the horseshit that came out worth listening to. Why the Sect used senior Outer Disciples as attendants for us, I still didn't understand.

"Young Master," Attendant Gaun spoke from the chamber's doors, "the Elders have requested yourself and Young Master Sun, please do not forget." Watching Yan jump in surprise with a guilty look on his face truly brought a smile to mine. Thoughts about Attendant Yang and the things that the stupid fool was undoubtedly doing had distracted our slightly ditzy Paragon of Justice.

Finishing my last stretch, I smiled at Ling Yan. "To the Elders then!" Not a hint of desperation or fear in my voice, the very antithesis of our wincing hero.

Making my way to the door, Ling Yan called out to me as he ran to my side. "Brother Chen, what about Attendant Yang?"

"I am sure Attendant Yang is quite happy where he is. After all, I would hate to be the one to ruin his day." I could practically feel Yan stop to parse through my words, something not quite sitting right with the young child, but it was Attendant Gaun I was watching. After he stilled for a second as the implications of my words washed over him, I could see him nod minutely. Not stupid this one. Really, much better material.

Unfortunately, his face bore a striking resemblance with a particular type of equestrian species, and that just wouldn't do.

 

[minacia]

I think it's a bit hard to read if you're not as familiar with CN novels, but if your audience is directed only to people who like CN novels, that's probably fine. It reads like a translation.

I'm not sure if I felt hooked because I didn't really feel like I care about the characters yet. The reader is thrown right into the dialogue that seems fairly everyday and uneventful, and there's relatively little action (or environmental description) in this excerpt compared to the dialogue / character description.

For instance, the way my oversimplified brain processed this as sort of like:

• Hi (said rudely by two characters)
• Where is Yang?
• He's flirting with maids
• The elders are calling for you

Which is a relatively dry way to start a story, at least in my opinion.

 

[ChronicleCrawler]

Hi! It's nice but you can still improve it a lot. I sense that it has the CN elements. Is this your first chapter? If so, I think you should first introduce us to your MC - make us care a little about his plight. Don't add too many characters in your first chapter since it might feel convoluted to our other friends.

 

[AKitsunex]

Right what minacia said, then again I'm not really an avid fan of CN novels so do take what I say with a grain of salt.

I just feel that it is a little awkward to read and I don't really feel the flow. So while there are no red flags but there isn't really anything that makes me want to continue reading either.

Also there are a few strange points like how Ling Yang is addressing Chen with brother but this isn't returned by Chen as it suggests that they should be similar in rank and what kind of attendant assigned to accompany his master doesn't accompany his master unless they are specifically dismissed or assigned otherwise? Not sure though I am not well versed in CN culture

 

[Kaguro]

It's hard to place my finger on it but this feels more like an excerpt from chapter two rather than the lead-in.

I think the biggest issue is the lack of information about the main character and what information there is gets introduced in a somewhat awkward to read manner.

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

How to get readers:
You gotta get that first impression that makes the reader wants to click it by Putting up a good cover. Sexy girl is the most effective way.

 

[iamaducklingwriter]

Oh, I read CN novels. If I was the reader, I would not be hooked if this is the actual first chapter. Because first, I do not know what is actually happening. The structure is great but there's no grabbing factor nor flow. It's like you just woke up to find someone speaking inside your bed. But that is just my opinion. I also would read the updated chapters before deciding whetger to not continue reading it or not, but not every reader is like me. I agree to the the previous advice's given. I suggest introducing the MC first or giving a brief information on what is happening (because introducing MC can be done on other chapters). Also, we didnt know who the other characters are. The second paragraph threw me off too. I know it should've been humorous since the kid also brushed him off for being extra (lol), but it wasn't connecting for me. It wasn't bad and there's a lot of improvement. Btw, your choice of words are great, I'm jealous lololol. You can do it! Go go go~

 

[Pujimaki]

When I read the name Chen..... I already thought he was a 'Young Master Chen'......

 

[CupcakeNinja]

Hello, so I am posting the first scene of my Orig story, and here is what I am wondering:

Does this hook you as a reader?

Exiting this first scene are there any red flags that make you say nuh ugh we droppin' this %#!@$.

Also showing vs telling. Generally, it is said/considered that showing is better than telling. Is this telling? Are the things that are going through my mind as the writer being shown through the text to the reader?

Obviously, it is 600 hundred words, so I am asking after first impressions, your experiences as well as things you have learned or would recommend I also learn. Thanks!

Spoiler: Scene 1

"Brother Chen," A boy of 10 called out to me, his face red sweat gathering at his temples, the golden trim of his robes not so different from mine denoting his high importance within the Sect.

"Ling Yan!" I interrupted, my righteous indignation taking control, stopping the one named Yan in his tracks. "Did I desecrate your mother's grave? Pluck the flower of you're Fairylike Fiancé? Am I Sun Chen so unworthy of face? That you dare to challenge me! If I do not turn you black and blue, then this one is not named Sun!" My speech finished as I crossed my arms in front of my chest, clearly denoting my heroic stature and appeal.

I very much did not see one Ling Yan roll his eyes as he looked around the meditation chamber I had been occupying.

"Wait, Brother Chen, where is Attendant Yang?" My declaration of war ignored; indeed, children these days have no sense of respect. The least he could have done is pretend to take me seriously.

But still, Attendant Yang, I couldn't keep the smile off my face; he was an adorably awkward young man, with a weak spot for the fairer sex, making him truly so easy to manipulate.

"Hey! Brother Chen, you have that evil smile again."

Huh? Ohh.

"Attendant Yang is currently appreciating the Manors Beauty."

"You mean he is watching the maids again." Ling Yan said, making his feelings quite obvious. Shrugging, I watched the boy in front of me glow with the aura of a young hero. Honestly, the side of righteousness had a Paragon in this kid.

Hiding my smirk, I resumed the cool down stretches I had been doing before Ling Yan had run in, "It keeps him out of my hair, so it is good enough for me."

"But… but he could be relieved or banished." The last word spoken in a harsh whisper, ahh to be ten again.

"Then I guess the maids need to worry about one less admirer." In truth, I hoped the stupid fool would get caught putting his dick in the wrong girl and be gone from my life; he talked far too much and didn't have nearly enough brain cells to make even a tenth of the horseshit that came out worth listening to. Why the Sect used senior Outer Disciples as attendants for us, I still didn't understand.

"Young Master," Attendant Gaun spoke from the chamber's doors, "the Elders have requested yourself and Young Master Sun, please do not forget." Watching Yan jump in surprise with a guilty look on his face truly brought a smile to mine. Thoughts about Attendant Yang and the things that the stupid fool was undoubtedly doing had distracted our slightly ditzy Paragon of Justice.

Finishing my last stretch, I smiled at Ling Yan. "To the Elders then!" Not a hint of desperation or fear in my voice, the very antithesis of our wincing hero.

Making my way to the door, Ling Yan called out to me as he ran to my side. "Brother Chen, what about Attendant Yang?"

"I am sure Attendant Yang is quite happy where he is. After all, I would hate to be the one to ruin his day." I could practically feel Yan stop to parse through my words, something not quite sitting right with the young child, but it was Attendant Gaun I was watching. After he stilled for a second as the implications of my words washed over him, I could see him nod minutely. Not stupid this one. Really, much better material.

Unfortunately, his face bore a striking resemblance with a particular type of equestrian species, and that just wouldn't do.

aight man, first off imma give my thoughts on this. Then imma tell you what woulda gone down if I was the one writing it.

To begin, I feel some of the sentences could have been phrased better. I thought this as soon as the MC started talking. Nothing major, it just didn't seem as natural as it could have been. Didn't seem to flow very well. Why? Well, because why does he ask about face? How did the boy "challenge" him? I didn't get it, so it felt off. It felt like the scene was started from the middle of a conversation. Since we don't know the full story, well, it doesn't make sense why he says what he does. Apart from that i just have some minor nitpicks.

Like when you say " or banished" I thought it would sound better if it was written like this. "But...But he could be relieved! Or banished!" You can decide whether you want to keep the italicized word there, but either way i think it would be better to end the previous sentence on the word "relieved" and then say he could even be banished. Because that enunciates the point. Makes it seem more fatal if written that way.

See? just a nitpick. Its not really important.

Anyway, as for how I would have written it...lemme just say, when i first read what the MC was saying at the start, i kinda only skimmed the previous words, like the boy's age, and misread what MC was saying. See, what i thought was happening was some guy was talking to the MC, maybe in an argument with him, and the MC was responding by talking about how he desecrated the man's mother's grave and how he seduced his fiance. I quickly re-read when i realized that wasn't what was going on, but now see...
...If I was writing the story....that's exactly what would have happened. I love shit like that. So i'd have had this Yan guy be introduced as some arrogant young master who kept picking fights with the MC previously, and MC finally got tired of his bullshit so he went to the man's family grave and started like painting on the gravestones and stuff. Then he'd have gone out and fucked the man's fiance.

I absolutely LOVE characters like that. Characters who if you mess with, they wont just beat you up. They'll beat up your father, fuck your mother, and then proceed to trash your ancestor's burial ground. Just to be a dick. Just cuz you got him angry.

If you want to get me hooked on a story, give me an MC who dares to do anything. Who can be outrageous and fun, wild even.