How are those fight scenes?

[FeverDream]

Sup, fellow writers. Every since I started publishing, I realized that I like quite much to write fight scenes. But are they good? No one ever told me, so here I'm asking for feedback!

Here I have some scenes from chapter five and six. The first one is from a group of powerful humans fighting Globins and the second one is from my MC, a H.I.V.E mind, fighintg then.

Spoiler: Human Fighting

Anna and Rosa are doing better than the others, but everyone bleed. Daniel keeps healing them, but the Goblins don’t let him focus. He can afford nothing more than a glance at his companions, having to dodge and strike back at the same time. He keeps healing everyone, either way.

Diego is the one at the most disadvantage. His style favors open places, where he can keep his momentum and use his strength to cut through everyone. Unfortunately, there are just too many trees here, so his speed is limited.

An arrow aimed at his eye misses its target only barely, and a small cut appears on his left cheek. He manages to kill two Goblins with a large swim, and turns fast enough to deflect a hit, with enough strength that the Goblin that tried it was cut in half, from down to up. Two others attack from above, while one more jumps at him from behind. Somehow, he kills them all, but a fourth falls on his shoulder, and stabs his back. He throws the creature away with a roar, quickly takes the knife off his body, and gets back into position.

It was unavoidable. On this battlefield, he was operating with way less than his normal ferocity.

But surprisingly, he wasn’t the one doing worst.

That would be Lucas.

It’s not that he wasn’t skilled or fast to dodge. He was. But the constant attacks were making it impossible to target all the Goblins with his illusions. Without it, he wasn’t as good as the others during a melee. He was the only member that haven’t been trained during his youth, and learned just by experience.

Lucas cuts a Goblin throat with a fast swing from his left hand. With his right, he stabs another on his stomach, then pushes the knife sideways, opening the way for the creature’s inwards spill on the ground. While he does it, a Goblin scores a cut through his left leg.

He groans loudly, but he doesn’t fall, and returns the favor by piercing his knife into the Goblin’s forehead. He manages to dodge a hit from a fourth Goblin, slices the face of a fifth one, takes four fingers of a sixth. Then he gets cut again, this time on his left shoulder. The cut on his leg was halfway healed, and the one on his shoulder immediately started being healed too. But, for how long could Daniel maintain it?

Perhaps today we would find the limits of his power.

Rosa Jumps at Lucas direction, landing with an outburst of wind. All the Goblins in Lucas vicinity lose their footing, which cost them their lives as both Rosa and Lucas start to kill them. With her katana, Rosa is capable of cutting Goblin flesh like butter, and chunks of them fall on the ground every time that she swings. Many are cut in half, but most lose only parts of their face or a limb. All get fatal blows. All get covered in blood.

But the truly gore happens at Anna’s side.

With her strength and speed her punches are enough to make a Goblin’s head explode. When they jump at her, she hits them first almost all the times and their bodies offer almost no resistance to her fists. The ones lucky enough to get close to her and slash at her flesh were only managing superficial cuts, and dying right after it.

Some of them had literally holes on them, all the size of her fists.

Spoiler: Not so human fighiting

When three Goblins charge at us, we welcome them.

We let our human body crumble into thousands of little ones and we swallow the Goblins into our swarm.

In the next second, none of the Goblins is alive. All of them have hundreds of bites in their bodies.

Seeing what just happened, the others Goblins stop, surprised.

It didn’t matter. It was over for them already.

For the nearest ones, we end their life by sheer force of numbers. Goblins were naturally a little more resistance to our venom, but few creatures could survive so many consecutive bites.

At the same time, by the dozens, we target the holes in the bodies of the farthest ones.

We fly straight into their mouths and scratch at the inside of their throats. We crawl inside their nostrils and feel the taste of their brains. We munch their eyeballs. We chew their flesh. We eat them, vigorously, from the inside out.

The Goblins go mad.

They tear their own flesh, stab at their own face. Their screams call the attention of more Goblins, which come to join the slaughter.

The more the merrier.

When a few try to approach from above, my saber cuts them.

The interesting part about our bodies is that when we connect to each other, we become way stronger than when we are separated. A few hundreds of us together are enough to hold the saber and swing it around.

Currently, we fly around forming just our forearm, cutting everyone in our path.

The Goblins try to deflect it, but how can you avoid being cut by a sword flying at you?

You can’t.

We form an one armed and less bulky version of ourselves in the middle of some Goblins, grab the head of one and smash it on the ground. The others attack us, but we separate our bodies and their blades cut only air. So we grab the next Goblin, and we crack its skull too. Then we go for the next.

We break, we cut, we tear, and we bite. We kill dozens per second.

Since the beginning of the fight, we have been killing the farthest Goblins, the one which we were sure no one could notice. Meanwhile, we have been also retreating most of our bodies to us, focusing our strength into a single point. Just waiting for the opportunity to unleash a coordinated attack, all of us at the same time.

Now that we have done it, more than one hundred Goblins were killed in just a question of moments.

What are your opinions about them? Any advice? Any favorite?

 

[Snusmumriken]

Honestly, the first thing I've noticed was probably grammar and syntax mistakes.

Anna and Rosa are doing better than the others, but everyone bleed. Daniel keeps healing them, but(repetition) the Goblins don’t let him focus. He can afford nothing more than a glance at his companions, having to dodge and strike back at the same time. He keeps healing everyone, either way.

Diego is the one at the most disadvantage. His style favors open places, where he can keep his momentum and use his strength to cut through everyone. Unfortunately, there are just too many trees here, so his speed is limited.

An arrow aimed at his eye misses its target only barely, and a small cut appears on his left cheek. He manages to kill two Goblins with a large swim, and turns fast enough to deflect a hit, with enough strength that the Goblin that tried it(unnecessary) was cut in half, from down to up. Two others attack from above, while one more jumps at him from behind. Somehow, he kills them all, but a fourth falls on his shoulder, and stabs his back. He throws the creature away with a roar, quickly takes the knife off his body, and gets back into position.

It was unavoidable. On this battlefield, he was operating with way less than his normal ferocity.

But surprisingly, he wasn’t the one doing worst.

That would be Lucas.

It’s not that he wasn’t skilled or fast to dodge. He was. But the constant attacks were making it impossible to target all the Goblins with his illusions. Without it, he wasn’t as good as the others during a melee. He was the only member that haven’t been trained during his youth, and learned just by experience. (why this entire paragraph is in past tense?)

Lucas cuts a Goblin throat with a fast swing from his left hand. With his right, he stabs another on his stomach, then pushes the knife sideways, opening the way for the creature’s inwards spill on the ground. While he does it, a Goblin scores a cut through his left leg.

He groans loudly, but he doesn’t fall, and returns the favor by piercing his knife into the Goblin’s forehead. He manages to dodge a hit from a fourth Goblin, slices the face of a fifth one, takes four fingers of a sixth. Then he gets cut again, this time on his left shoulder. The cut on his leg was halfway healed, and the one on his shoulder immediately started being healed too. But, for how long could Daniel maintain it?

Perhaps today we would find the limits of his power.

Rosa Jumps at Lucas direction, landing with an outburst of wind. All the Goblins in Lucas vicinity lose their footing, which cost them their lives as both Rosa and Lucas start to kill them. With her katana, Rosa is capable of cutting Goblin flesh like butter, and chunks of them fall on the ground every time that she swings. Many are cut in half, but most lose only parts of their face or a limb. All get fatal blows. All get covered in blood.

But the truly gore happens at Anna’s side.

With her strength and speed her punches are enough to make a Goblin’s head explode. When they jump at her, she hits them first almost all the times and their bodies offer almost no resistance to her fists. The ones lucky enough to get close to her and slash at her flesh were only managing superficial cuts, and dying right after it.

Some of them had literally holes on them, all the size of her fists.

The red are mistakes and yellow are either not properly worded or arent used correctly.

in terms of flow, your entire battle sequence is a constant stream of "X did Y to Z" over and over again. there are no breaks in the action. as everything is described in that form. you need to add a bit of variety in my opinion and add more sentences and words that link action sequences together. At the moment some of them feel like a list of actions being catalogued.

 

[FeverDream]

Honestly, the first thing I've noticed was probably grammar and syntax mistakes.

The red are mistakes and yellow are either not properly worded or arent used correctly.

in terms of flow, your entire battle sequence is a constant stream of "X did Y to Z" over and over again. there are no breaks in the action. as everything is described in that form. you need to add a bit of variety in my opinion and add more sentences and words that link action sequences together. At the moment some of them feel like a list of actions being catalogued.

Ohh neat, really appreciate it, I'll make those corrections.

Thanks for the honest feedback.

 

[trinitys_gadget]

Fix your tenses, spelling, plurals, and word choices. You don't know how to use superlatives. Go through and reword everthing to use -ing a bare minimum of times; you'll be force to write in a more active voice and pay better attention to causality. Also, minimize your use of infinitives (to verb).

An arrow aimed at his eye misses its target only barely, and a small cut appears on his left cheek.

Always provide a subject for your sentences; injuries don't just appear, something causes them. Give us a proper setting, unless you're trying to write stream-of-consciousness.
"An arrow aimed for his eye misses its target only barely, and avulsed his cheek instead."

Diego is the one at the most disadvantage.

No need to double down on the subject. "Diego is at the worst disadvantage."
Second, you contradict yourself a few paragraphs later when you introduce Lucas.

 

[FeverDream]

Fix your tenses, spelling, plurals, and word choices. You don't know how to use superlatives. Go through and reword everthing to use -ing a bare minimum of times; you'll be force to write in a more active voice and pay better attention to causality. Also, minimize your use of infinitives (to verb).

Oh I see, basically everything LOL.

you'll be force to write in a more active voice and pay better attention to causality.

I don't really understand what you mean here.

you contradict yourself a few paragraphs later when you introduce Lucas.

so, actually what I meant there is that even though Diego is at the worst disadvantage, he's still doing better than Lucas.

Alright, thanks for reading it and giving me your feedback. Anything on the second fight? To be honest that was the one I was most curious about but no one talked about it

 

[trinitys_gadget]

The second fight is maginally better written, so it showcases your errors more cleanly.
On the second one, pay better attention to plurals. In several places you use a sigular verb instead of a plural verb.
In English writing, many aspects of causality are treated implicitly, eg:

Seeing what just happened, the others Goblins stop, surprised.

should read:
"The other Goblins stop, surprised."

Again, you don't know how to use superlatives. Superlatives only make sense when you are comparing things.

Goblins were naturally a little more resistance to our venom, but few creatures could survive so many consecutive bites.

More resistant than what? You give the reader no basis of comparison.
"Goblins are naturally reistant to our venom, but few creatures can survive so many consecutive bites."
You'll notice I also corrected your misuse of the past tense.
Change "vigorously" to "ravenously".
Ditch the part with the saber, it only detracts from the otherness of your monster.
Do not use crappy vernacular unless you have a damn good excuse. Change "way" to "much".

The above examples are illustrative, but hardly exhaustive. I recommend reading a lot of print published English novels to get a better hang of the language.

 

[LilTV1155]

Anna and Rosa are doing better than the others, but everyone bleed. Daniel keeps healing them, but the Goblins don’t let him focus. He can afford nothing more than a glance at his companions, having to dodge and strike back at the same time.

If I am not looking carefully, this part would look like a run-on sentence.
-
The real issue is this one: "He can afford nothing more than a glance at his companions, having to dodge and strike back at the same time."

If I have to rewrite it, it would be: "He [ can only spare ] [Remove: more than ] a quick glance at his companions while dodging and striking back at the same time." But if you like the way it is already written in your story, then please ignore this part.