I need feedback on my story please

[Nerothemajin]

Can anyone read my story and give me feedback?
I want to know your thoughts about it.

Title: F:Ran
Genres: Shonen( If you know what that is),Fantasy,Action/Adventure

Synopsis:
As the big bang emerged stars fell on the earth and the dust that those stars contained created life as we know it. Humans, decided to use this energy, as they found it very compatible with the human's physical capabilities.They named it Saku energy and as time passed, it became a strong weapon that was used by the swordsmen of the past.
Ran was a boy with a great dream, one of becoming a strong swordsman.
But being born with a weak body made him insecure of it and slowly he closed up to himself.
But after coming to "Tsurugi Academy" the academy of his dreams, he will learn his true limits and with the help of his friends he will be able to over come them.
but in all great stories things aren't that simple and many mysteries await.

Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/118034/fran/

 

[Horrorific]

I'm still a newbie writer in scribblehub but I received some detailed criticism on my writing by *cough* certain someone. So I tried to improve my writing in any way.

First of all,

Ran was a boy with a great dream, one of becoming a strong swordsman.

What? I feel there's something wrong here. I've watched people in forum criticizing this. Most people will get turned off when seeing this mistake on the synopsis and they will drop it immediately. Watch how you do the synopsis, possibly you need someone else to proofread it to see if your synopsis is making sense and really aroused readers to watch it. Or you could be me, have no friends , no one to rely on. I just write my chapter and then the next day, I switch from author to reader perspective to criticize my chapter for making such a stupid mistake.

Second, your protagonist's characteristic is all over the place. One time, he is an ambitious person but later he's insecure. After that, he wants to learn his limit, he became an ambitious person again. I feel like being insecure isn't necessary here. You could just say 'he had a weak body' only. I don't think having both ambitious and insecure to the protagonist's characteristics is a good idea.

But after coming to "Tsurugi Academy" the academy of his dreams, he will learn his true limits and with the help of his friends he will be able to over come them.
but in all great stories things aren't that simple and many mysteries await.

I can feel this is going to be a generic school life story. You can spice it up in the synopsis like there's going to be conspiracy inside the academy, with this, who knows how the protagonist will end up. Is he still going to end up graduating as an expert swordsman or rebel against the academy. This will raise some readers interest to read more. Try not to spoil the story a little bit too much or the readers will know how the story will end up.

After seeing the prologue, the 'punching the wall in the bathroom' was unnecessary. You could just say he clutch his hand really hard out of frustration for not being able to follow her.

You don't need to follow the average word in a chapter. Just be yourself and don't force it. Some popular novel have less than 1,300 words in a chapter.

The ending of the prologue is great but poor execution on the synopsis makes people don't want to read it.

Like I said, I'm still a newbie. I don't think I deserve to criticize someone but, hey! there ya go!

 

[Nerothemajin]

I'm still a newbie writer in scribblehub but I received some detailed criticism on my writing by *cough* certain someone. So I tried to improve my writing in any way.

First of all,

What? I feel there's something wrong here. I've watched people in forum criticizing this. Most people will get turned off when seeing this mistake on the synopsis and they will drop it immediately. Watch how you do the synopsis, possibly you need someone else to proofread it to see if your synopsis is making sense and really aroused readers to watch it. Or you could be me, have no friends , no one to rely on. I just write my chapter and then the next day, I switch from author to reader perspective to criticize my chapter for making such a stupid mistake.

Second, your protagonist's characteristic is all over the place. One time, he is an ambitious person but later he's insecure. After that, he wants to learn his limit, he became an ambitious person again. I feel like being insecure isn't necessary here. You could just say 'he had a weak body' only. I don't think having both ambitious and insecure to the protagonist's characteristics is a good idea.


I can feel this is going to be a generic school life story. You can spice it up in the synopsis like there's going to be conspiracy inside the academy, with this, who knows how the protagonist will end up. Is he still going to end up graduating as an expert swordsman or rebel against the academy. This will raise some readers interest to read more. Try not to spoil the story a little bit too much or the readers will know how the story will end up.

After seeing the prologue, the 'punching the wall in the bathroom' was unnecessary. You could just say he clutch his hand really hard out of frustration for not being able to follow her.

You don't need to follow the average word in a chapter. Just be yourself and don't force it. Some popular novel have less than 1,300 words in a chapter.

The ending of the prologue is great but poor execution on the synopsis makes people don't want to read it.

Like I said, I'm still a newbie. I don't think I deserve to criticize someone but, hey! there ya go!

Look i'm mostly like you have very few/no friends and I try to promote my work however I can, I think the synopsis is fine because the story is hard to be summarised in a paragraph because it's indeed large as for the protagonist, I make him insecure by default and he is ambitious and outgoing too after all he's a human because he doesn't believe in himself as a swordsman that doesn't mean he can't get angry at someone of shout at someone or be happy nevertheless thank you for stating your thoughts I really think what you said Is true even if I don't agree with many things.

 

[Moctemma]

I agree, the synopsis needs a rewrite, you have 3 "but" at the end. The word "but" by its nature, invalidates the previous statement in some degree. Imagine what that does to a potential reader who is determining if the story is worth the time.

 

[Nerothemajin]

I agree, the synopsis needs a rewrite, you have 3 "but" at the end. The word "but" by its nature, invalidates the previous statement in some degree. Imagine what that does to a potential reader who is determining if the story is worth the time.

Thank you for your reply i'll see what I can do to change it

 

[weakwithwords]

Back in 1999, during our first vacation in the US, my uncle's friend said he'll take me to the movies and asked if there was any in particular I wanted to see. I had no idea what were being shown that week, but coincidentally, the tv was on and it showed the half minute trailer iof The Matrix.

"Let's watch that."

He agreed.

After the hour and a half film, he exclaimed: "I'm never gonna enjoy another movie after this!"

I agreed.


Your summary is too long and confusing. You will want a balance between explicitly revealing details so readers will know what to expect and implicitly hinting at surprises that they might enjoy later.

Shounen is a demographic, not a genre.

e.g. summary:

Saku energy, the root of all swordsmen.

Ran, the weak-bodied boy with a great wish.

Tsurugi Academy, where dreams are fulfilled ... or destroyed.

 

[Nerothemajin]

Back in 1999, during our first vacation in the US, my uncle's friend said he'll take me to the movies and asked if there was any in particular I wanted to see. I had no idea what were being shown that week, but coincidentally, the tv was on and it showed the half minute trailer iof The Matrix.

"Let's watch that."

He agreed.

After the hour and a half film, he exclaimed: "I'm never gonna enjoy another movie after this!"

I agreed.


Your summary is too long and confusing. You will want a balance between explicitly revealing details so readers will know what to expect and implicitly hinting at surprises that they might enjoy later.

Shounen is a demographic, not a genre.

e.g. summary:

Saku energy, the root of all swordsmen.

Ran, the weak-bodied boy with a great wish.

Tsurugi Academy, where dreams are fulfilled ... or destroyed.

You didn't have to write your life story but I like your version of the summary

 

[weakwithwords]

It was either that or inserting this:

I just used my anecdote as a means to drive the importance of summary conciseness. Anyway, good luck with your story. It might take a year or more before I get around to sampling most if not all the novels on this site. I'll mentally bump yours up for prioritization.

 

[Nerothemajin]

It was either that or inserting this:

I just used my anecdote as a means to drive the importance of summary conciseness. Anyway, good luck with your story. It might take a year or more before I get around to sampling most if not all the novels on this site. I'll mentally bump yours up for prioritization.

Thank you! do that.