If the Cosmos had a planet it had forgotten, Nolan Backster was on that world.
in a rather dense dust cloud there was a world that the people simply called, the world. The sky lacked stars in the traditional sense, but it did have many bright colors as the various gasses were lit up by the light of a very particular star. This solar body had a ring, not unlike the rings that orbit Saturn. They seemed immune to the energies of the star, but glowed with a heat of their own, a deep blue against the orange ball it orbited.
Second major body in the system was the only world capable of supporting life in an earth-like fashion. Upon a rather obscure continent was a rather unimportant nation. In the northern region of that nation was a tiny, almost forgotten village that went by the name of Virian. The name's origin was lost to time, but it is assumed to have been related to the founding family that has long since died out and been replaced a half dozen times with the changing tide of politics.
On the edge of that village was a nondescript house of no particular importance. It had been built and rebuilt several times as families were formed, grew, moved, had lives and arguments and drama. It lay abandoned, then was reclaimed, rebuilt, and finally, it exists in its current form, a well loved and well-worn domicile with four bedrooms. In one such bedroom there was n ordinary bed that had been passed down from child to child for several generations.
On that bed sat a boy who would describe himself as a young man, but in the eyes of others they would describe him as still needing to put some fuzz on that chin. He was reading a book on his bed and was about to flip the paper, when someone abruptly opened the door. Nolan, being the nervous sort, jerked his whole body at the interruption and accidentally tore the page he was reading.
Original:
In a place called, Virian Village. A young man named Nolan Backster was reading a book on his bed and was about to flip the paper to the next page. But someone abruptly opened the door, and Nolan accidentally tore the page he was reading.
Why these changes? I started out far then brought the reader in closer. I gave it some world building as well as an interesting setting. There are no stars here, but the omnipresent dust cloud that is a swirl of various gasses lit up by the light of the star. Is there even a universe outside the cloud? We don't know. You could explore that later.
The sun has rings like Saturn. It was something I always wanted to do in a setting. I may use it sometime. is it a natural phenomena? Could it be some sort of advanced structure? Could it be the land of the gods? Who knows?
We make this the second body so we make it clear this isn't earth, or is it? maybe mercury was destroyed and turned into the ring. We don't know.
We establish the age of the village, the sort of general situation because the house has been there, decayed, and been rebuilt. This is a land that is old and while the specifics ebb and flow, they return to the baseline.
Nolan Thinks himself older than others see him as. We then establish the tearing of the page, but more importantly WHY, specially, it is his nature. He is nervous. He has flaws. He is not the bravest of men. If he is our MC, he will need to grow.
Let us go back to your opening.
> In a place called, Virian Village.
WHY? Why is is called Virian Village. Where is it? How is it? What is it like?
> A young man named Nolan Backster
Why the first name? What does it mean? What is the last name? What does it mean? Why does he have a last name? What does the name mean? Are last names common? HOW IS YOUR SOCIETY STRUCTURED?
> was reading a book on his bed and was about to flip the paper to the next page.
What sort of bed? What sort of room? CASTLE? HOVEL? FLYING TOWER? SHAPE SHIFTING PARROT'S LEFT NOSTRIL?
>But someone abruptly opened the door
But negates everything before it. So to use 'But' here means, "He was reading a book on a bed, but not he is NOT" and then you explain why. It doesn't work well.
> and Nolan accidentally tore the page he was reading.
Why? What is the result? How does he react? Well...
In the story he doesn't give a shit. He just sighs. Why? Are books that unimportant? I'd lose my shit if I ripped a book. You are giving your character traits. These traits define him for the rest of the story. I now assume this guys doesn't give a fuck about books.
I don't care if you use my rewrite or not. I'm just giving you an example.
----
THIS IS YOUR OPENING. You need to shoot a harpoon into my eyes and reel me in.
Rewrite it.
I'm still editing it though. Hahaha!