Good day. If it is okay, please check my story and tell me your honest thoughts about why it is bad:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/
Hello! I dropped it in the first chapter.
I couldn't understand what was going on - basically, there's too much description. The trick, I feel, is to ground your reader, letting them fill out the gaps. Unfortunately, the description kept going on a bit too long, and my attention wandered. I reached till "I have a brother" part, then was disappointed with more information dump. I want something to happen, and nothing was happening. It's not that you need dialogue, but you need a way to keep a sense of curiosity in the reader's head - a trail of breadcrumbs if you will - to lead the reader on.
There was also some issue with your phrasing. You use a lot of adverbs, and some descriptions can be more suited to using more sentences. And example would be "exotic" in the sentence, "Ratcatcher, a young girl of exotic appearance". This by itself doesn't evoke any ideas in my head. "Exotic" - okay, I'm thinking of pina colada on a Caribbean beach. A paragraph later, I did understand her strange appearance, but it was a paragraph too late, and ... my mind has wandered away.
I also don't get to know what the Ratcatcher is thinking, what she wants, where she is going - I get to know a lot of information about them from your exposition, but I forgot it by the time some actual characters are introduced.
So, all in all, I think your concept is great - has potential, but you need a different scene to introduce it to me.
If I have to sum up anything, and also be impudent enough to actually offer some advice, it will be this:
Write the story, not the description of the story. More story please, less description about things.
Now, this is very particular to my taste, so take it with a pinch of salt. Some people slurp Hot Sauce, some people die having it.
Take a look at my work! It's a magic Academy story.
Elenora's Academy of Magicka: Ken Granfold
You're next in line, sir... madam ... person. Thing?
Take a look at my work! It's a magic Academy story.
Here is the synopsis:
Eleanora’s Academy of Magicka, crowned as the best institute on the continent of Elenora, is a prestigious magic academy for young wizards alike, to come and pit their magic and might against one another, in the competitive Ranking system the Academy puts them through, in order to polish and forge the Number 1 Ranked Wizard in all of Elenora.
Ken Granfold, a young curious mage who seeks to gain as much knowledge as possible, is enrolled in the famed academy by his Grandfather. During his time at the academy, Ken makes it his sole purpose to graduate as the Number 1 Ranked Wizard.
As Ken fights through the ranking system to be the best, he gains newfound knowledge of who he really is and makes new friends on the way.
CLICK HERE!!!!
Elenora's Academy of Magicka: Ken Granfold
Well, I am back to leave a review. I think this is slowly becoming leave the review after the first chapter (I am kind of strapped for time).
I cross to chapter two, but then I saw you break the fourth wall - without it much being a fourth wall breaking story. To be specific :
"To help grasp Edna’s state of shock, one must understand the rank that Volterra bears."
I am not fond of that, to be very honest. I should have this promised to me - such as in Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy - which is fine because it's comedic. Now, I'm not comparing, but that's just a great example of where such a break is done well. I found it very jarring.
And, also, it was broken to talk about the "Rank" of Volterra. ... Look, if you're into that sort of thing, I'm sure that's fun - but I would love to at least know it from a character. At that point, I barely know Volterra - I barely know the magic system - I barely understand the world - I don't want to know what the Ranking is. I don't understand it. It's not relevant to me, and ... my mind will wander, because it is jarring.
Speaking of jarring - I find tense changing to be the most difficult to read through. Even in chapter one, which I did complete - there were a lot of good things - Edna, Vivian, etc. - that was nice - but the sentence to sentence change of tense was ... very off putting, to put it mildly. I would urge you to identify it and change it.
I would also say that a lot of it felt like ... cardboard characters? Like, their dialogue didn't feel real. But, of course, that is just to me. It's always a broad challenge, but I almost always feel that some characters look like cardboard cutouts standing around in a conversation with just one or two lines. And it's almost always during group talks.
Anyway! I again say, these are just what I feel. It's not here to discourage you from writing.
Heck! I just read Chapter 3, after skipping chapter 2 unfortunately, but I found that interesting! There's a bandit. There's confrontation, there's excitement! There's TRAINS (I love trains). In fact, I was just wondering how awesome that would be as the first chapter! You know what, maybe I'll give chapter 4 a read, just because I SKIPPED chapter 2. So, anyway, you have it in you to write a great story. Keep on going!
Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...
www.scribblehub.com
Leaving a review would be appreciated. I also want to say thank you for taking the time to do this. You are appreciated!
I am on to you. Watch me stalk your novel. Good news is I finished first chapter! I will take my time to review, only after my concentration breaks.
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