Ko-Fi for feedback

[nightshade.valentine]

Hey Everyone,

I am feeling frustrated to be honest. That is why I am asking for a feedback

First of all, yes indeed I am new to writing, in my mid-thirties, and I do write for fun.

I do think of my story and my characters almost all the time though. Sometimes I over think it though

In the last month, I have started publishing my light novel here in scribble. and at the beginning, I felt super happy to see that views are going up. But after reaching chapter 10 I realized that its only views and little reads. almost no subscribed readers, no favorites , and totally no comment.

My English is not native, but I literally spend hours editing. Before I publish I at least edit for 2 to 3 hours and even afterward I feel I am not happy with my English.

The energy and time I am putting in the story is really huge, somehow it is all wasted (except of me enjoying the writing, but who writes to himself/herself after all?)


So here is the deal, for the first 3 people that agree to give me feedback for the first five chapters, and spend their valuable time doing that. I will owe you a 3 Euro in Ko-Fi (or paypal whichever you prefer) :) which I will pay immediately. I know it is a very small amount, but it will hopefully get you a coffee while reading those chapters (if its boring haha) , and for me it will mean the world, as it will help me understand what I am doing wrong or right.

If you are interested, just comment "I will give feedback".

 

[Michuyu]

You know, I’m desperate for some extra cash ;-; can I get in on this? I will give feedback

 

[nightshade.valentine]

You know, I’m desperate for some extra cash ;-; can I get in on this? I will give feedback

Yes please! that would help me tones. That was the idea after all , the first three people offers help.

Just PM me your Ko-Fi, otherwise the feedback can be here

 

[katashi926]

I will give feedback

 

[nightshade.valentine]

I will give feedback

To be honest I would have preferred someone with some history in the forum. But I will make an exception (maybe it works out this time )

Feedback granted. Just pm me your Ko-Fi

 

[Ai-chan]

Hey Everyone,

I am feeling frustrated to be honest. That is why I am asking for a feedback

First of all, yes indeed I am new to writing, in my mid-thirties, and I do write for fun.

I do think of my story and my characters almost all the time though. Sometimes I over think it though

In the last month, I have started publishing my light novel here in scribble. and at the beginning, I felt super happy to see that views are going up. But after reaching chapter 10 I realized that its only views and little reads. almost no subscribed readers, no favorites , and totally no comment.

My English is not native, but I literally spend hours editing. Before I publish I at least edit for 2 to 3 hours and even afterward I feel I am not happy with my English.

The energy and time I am putting in the story is really huge, somehow it is all wasted (except of me enjoying the writing, but who writes to himself/herself after all?)


So here is the deal, for the first 3 people that agree to give me feedback for the first five chapters, and spend their valuable time doing that. I will owe you a 3 Euro in Ko-Fi (or paypal whichever you prefer) :) which I will pay immediately. I know it is a very small amount, but it will hopefully get you a coffee while reading those chapters (if its boring haha) , and for me it will mean the world, as it will help me understand what I am doing wrong or right.

If you are interested, just comment "I will give feedback".

Oh? A ko-fi donation? Sign Ai-chan up. If you want to know Ai-chan's style , look in the signature. But sorry for the book on Amazon you have to buy it to read it.

 

[nightshade.valentine]

Oh? A ko-fi donation? Sign Ai-chan up. If you want to know Ai-chan's style , look in the signature. But sorry for the book on Amazon you have to buy it to read it.

Thank you very much for signing up. Feedback granted. Pm me your kofi

 

[Michuyu]

I really like the story so far!

I’ll tell you what you can improve on first, and then I’ll tell you what I liked!

Grammar-wise: Make sure to check your tenses. The story seems to be written in the present tense, but sometimes you use the past tense of some words. It didn’t happen so often that it ruined the enjoyability of the story for me though. In my opinion, this is just something you might have to comb your story for, but won’t be too much of an issue unless you want to publish. However, you should still keep an eye out for it whenever you can! Some sentences could also be worded differently, and some words could be switched out for another word. I am aware that English isn’t your first language, so I kept that in mind while reading and I am keeping that in mind while writing this! If you have any English speaking friends, you can ask them to help you with these. :D
------------
Story-wise: I need more world-building. The settings are there, ie. the train, grassy plains, and the inn, but I need to know more about the world. Is this a fictional world? Or based on a real place? If it’s a fictional world, you should try to introduce the world briefly. It doesn’t have to go into detail, but you should point out something that most people would know doesn’t exist in the real world, ie. “It was the Atlas Kingdom of the Astral Continent.” (Most people would know that there are 7 continents on earth and Astral is not one of them, so it will click in their head that this is a fictional world.)

If it is based on a real place, but you just added fantastical elements, you should still name the country, ie. Canada, Australia, China, ect. You mentioned a lot of city names, and some of them seemed very important for the storyline. I want to know a thing or two about these places so that I can imagine them better. Ie. “Clover city was the nearest city with a harbor that could possibly have a boat or two for Janet to stow away in.” or “Crocus was the capital city with very heavy policing, which caused for a bit of trouble for criminals like Greg and Kiko.”

In the story, you mention Colonel Ralf, and he is of a military background, but I kind of want to know if it is a certain military branch, or for what government he is working under? If you did mention a military branch, and I missed it, it might be a good idea to describe what that branch is known for or what they specialize in/ what’s their purpose? If you mentioned a government, you should describe a bit about the set up of the government, ie. is it a monarch (kings/queens), dictatorship(One ruler rules all), a republic (President, political parties ect)?

I want to know a bit more about the main character. At the beginning of the story, we just see him staring at his reflection in the train window, but I want to know why he’s there. Maybe you don’t want to write directly that he is on the run, but it would make sense if you have him be kind of more cautious of his surroundings. I’d imagine that he is covering his face and keeping to himself tucked away at a corner seat of the train. This gives the impression of him being on the run without you having to write directly that he is on the run. You can also add to it that he inherited powers from his father, unless he himself hasn’t figured it out yet. With the synopsis, we readers already know this, so repeating it at the beginning of the story won’t be bad, unless again, Helgar himself does not know this yet.

It might also be good if you describe a bit more about where Helgar and Rio grew up. Did they grow up in a certain city, or under some unnatural circumstances, such as child labor ect? This is ok to leave for later if it is going to spoil a lot of things, but I only suggest this, to add more depth to your characters. If no one read the synopsis, they wouldn’t really know why Helgar is on the run, or feel connected with the characters based on sympathy or empathy.
-----------------
What I really liked: I really liked your character descriptions. I can visualize every character perfectly, (Well, probably different than what you initially had in mind since we have different imaginations haha). I also really liked the relationship between Helgar and Rio! The bromance is amazing and if they end up as a ship, I am all on board hehehe. It was a short time of seeing them interact, but you got the message across that they have a very close and special bond. I personally love to see how characters interact and grow or fail together. I would rather read a book with good character relationships and a lacking plot, than a book with a good plot and characters that lack life. However, your story has a very intriguing plot and lovely character interactions!! ^^ That’s like the gold mine for me haha. I also really like the pacing of your story. I think it is perfect as a web novel, as it has pretty short chapters and something important is always happening in each chapter.

Although I have a lot more criticism than praise, I truly enjoyed reading so far, and I plan to read more ^^ Remember, that most of what I have said are just my opinions at the end of the day, and they are not demanding you to do anything. Just take what you agree with and ignore what you don't. hehe I hope I was able to help you a bit!

 

[nightshade.valentine]

I really like the story so far!

I’ll tell you what you can improve on first, and then I’ll tell you what I liked!

Grammar-wise: Make sure to check your tenses. The story seems to be written in the present tense, but sometimes you use the past tense of some words. It didn’t happen so often that it ruined the enjoyability of the story for me though. In my opinion, this is just something you might have to comb your story for, but won’t be too much of an issue unless you want to publish. However, you should still keep an eye out for it whenever you can! Some sentences could also be worded differently, and some words could be switched out for another word. I am aware that English isn’t your first language, so I kept that in mind while reading and I am keeping that in mind while writing this! If you have any English speaking friends, you can ask them to help you with these. :D
------------
Story-wise: I need more world-building. The settings are there, ie. the train, grassy plains, and the inn, but I need to know more about the world. Is this a fictional world? Or based on a real place? If it’s a fictional world, you should try to introduce the world briefly. It doesn’t have to go into detail, but you should point out something that most people would know doesn’t exist in the real world, ie. “It was the Atlas Kingdom of the Astral Continent.” (Most people would know that there are 7 continents on earth and Astral is not one of them, so it will click in their head that this is a fictional world.)

If it is based on a real place, but you just added fantastical elements, you should still name the country, ie. Canada, Australia, China, ect. You mentioned a lot of city names, and some of them seemed very important for the storyline. I want to know a thing or two about these places so that I can imagine them better. Ie. “Clover city was the nearest city with a harbor that could possibly have a boat or two for Janet to stow away in.” or “Crocus was the capital city with very heavy policing, which caused for a bit of trouble for criminals like Greg and Kiko.”

In the story, you mention Colonel Ralf, and he is of a military background, but I kind of want to know if it is a certain military branch, or for what government he is working under? If you did mention a military branch, and I missed it, it might be a good idea to describe what that branch is known for or what they specialize in/ what’s their purpose? If you mentioned a government, you should describe a bit about the set up of the government, ie. is it a monarch (kings/queens), dictatorship(One ruler rules all), a republic (President, political parties ect)?

I want to know a bit more about the main character. At the beginning of the story, we just see him staring at his reflection in the train window, but I want to know why he’s there. Maybe you don’t want to write directly that he is on the run, but it would make sense if you have him be kind of more cautious of his surroundings. I’d imagine that he is covering his face and keeping to himself tucked away at a corner seat of the train. This gives the impression of him being on the run without you having to write directly that he is on the run. You can also add to it that he inherited powers from his father, unless he himself hasn’t figured it out yet. With the synopsis, we readers already know this, so repeating it at the beginning of the story won’t be bad, unless again, Helgar himself does not know this yet.

It might also be good if you describe a bit more about where Helgar and Rio grew up. Did they grow up in a certain city, or under some unnatural circumstances, such as child labor ect? This is ok to leave for later if it is going to spoil a lot of things, but I only suggest this, to add more depth to your characters. If no one read the synopsis, they wouldn’t really know why Helgar is on the run, or feel connected with the characters based on sympathy or empathy.
-----------------
What I really liked: I really liked your character descriptions. I can visualize every character perfectly, (Well, probably different than what you initially had in mind since we have different imaginations haha). I also really liked the relationship between Helgar and Rio! The bromance is amazing and if they end up as a ship, I am all on board hehehe. It was a short time of seeing them interact, but you got the message across that they have a very close and special bond. I personally love to see how characters interact and grow or fail together. I would rather read a book with good character relationships and a lacking plot, than a book with a good plot and characters that lack life. However, your story has a very intriguing plot and lovely character interactions!! ^^ That’s like the gold mine for me haha. I also really like the pacing of your story. I think it is perfect as a web novel, as it has pretty short chapters and something important is always happening in each chapter.

Although I have a lot more criticism than praise, I truly enjoyed reading so far, and I plan to read more ^^ Remember, that most of what I have said are just my opinions at the end of the day, and they are not demanding you to do anything. Just take what you agree with and ignore what you don't. hehe I hope I was able to help you a bit!

Wow. thats one of the best feedback I would have ever hoped for. Thanks billions!!



Yes, all the points are valid in my opinion. It hurts when I read them but only because they are true and only with true feedback I can improve.

About the past and present tense, I am always in an inner conflict. I started with Present but then I realized past seems to be more natural. I am not sure if I should continue in present, but I will keep in mind to keep the tenses consistent.

Also I learnt from your feedback to revise sentence structure in English!!


It is indeed a fantasy world. However, I explained it very late. I will take this feedback by heart and do heavy editing to fix that.

For the military background, I am zero with the military system, I really do not know how the Military works, and it shows very flowed in my novel. Do you have a tip where can I read more about Military branches? (Do not bother too much if you don't, I will make also research for this).


Somehow I mixed up Cooroperate with Monarch, I am not sure if that is even Valid. It is amazing that you spotted the weakness that I already knew about but could not surface to the top.


End line, thanks billions Michuyu. Your feedback is very helpful to me and is very appreciated.

 

[EternalSunset0]

I don't have Ko-Fi, but I think I can give this one a shot when I have the time. It's The Power Game, right?

 

[nightshade.valentine]

I don't have Ko-Fi, but I think I can give this one a shot when I have the time. It's The Power Game, right?

I would highly appreciate this! I am already working on the points of the feedback that I got . and yes it is The Power Game