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Scribbler

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Not really looking for advice, mostly just posting because I'm too impatient to wait until I finish the chapter to post it.

The forest was overgrown; nary a dirt trail could be scene; covered with fallen branches and ferns was the ground; atop the stones and up the trees did the moss grow. The surrounding was so green, at this time of midmorning, that the encroaching light refracted, causing the air itself to appear green. And along with the dapples of light that spotted the ground, and the shafts of light that pierced through the overhang, it all seemed serenely beautiful and unique.

One could visit this forest again, and see a similar sight, but it would not be the same as the one in this moment. That was what Aldin thought. And for that he was thankful.

But there was something else as well. The forest was rich with magic, more so than any other forest he had been in before. Druids took in magic from their surroundings called aether, while wizards used and built up magic from within called mana, and clerics used the magic given to them by their god called divinity. Wizards and clerics could detect magic from outside of themselves as well, but they required the use of spells to do so, while druids did not. So Aldin was particularly sensitive to this change.

He wondered why this was and tried recalling his lessons. Druids were a nomadic people who coveted knowledge and the balance above all else. However, to ensure that none could ever use their knowledge to upset the balance, all of it was recorded not in any written documents, but through the mouths and ears of every generation.

There should be a cause for this level of aether, thought Aldin, usually it signifies the presence of - .

Suddenly, he heard the distant shouts of, “Get Her!”, “You’ll not get away with it!”, and, “May the hound bite yer wings off!” over each other.

Aldin looked over in the direction to see a veritable mob, with pitchforks and torches and many other manner of handheld weaponry.

And what were they chasing but a tiny, near imperceptible little thing in comparison and at that flitting speed, why, it was only 3 inches (7.5 cm) tall, with a wingspan of 6 (15). It was a fairy!

It laughed joyously and with a touch of malevolence at her would-be captors.

Aldin recalled that fairies were prone to pranks, but not to such a degree that it would cause this much outcry. More often than not, they were a fair and benevolent folk.

The druid looked on as the fairy and chasing mob passed him by, not noticing him at all, as preoccupied as they already were, along with the distance and density of trees.

Aldin continued continued his way, eventually exiting the forest, where many a tree stump were, and finding a town seated in a shallow valley. It was fairly large, with cobble roads and streetlamps. Few of the buildings were stone, most being of the wood frame, mud walls, and hay roof variation.

He made his way into town and went to find an inn for the night. It had been days since Aldin had a proper rest in a warm bed, so he was looking forward to it a great deal.

30 minutes passed and he had just finished his lunch when a large group of men took up about most all the free tables. They were disheveled and sweat-drenched.

“We almost had ‘er.“

“Are you blind? We weren’t even close.“

“It’s called being optimistic, Asshole!“

“What’d you call me!?“ The second man then stood from the seat he took only moments ago and grabbed at the other’s shirt.

“Quit it! I’ll hear no end of it from the wife if ya tear me shirt!” And the two proceeded to tussle and wrestle on the floor.

None of the others seemed to notice or care, silently eating their food or muttering to themselves. Aye, the mood was a sorry one.

Aldin rose from his seat, went up to one of these men, and asked about why they were chasing that fairy earlier. Apparently, the fairy claimed cause for many an inconvenience, such as stealing the blacksmith’s hammer, or the well’s bucket. At first it was just a small thing that they thought naught of, they would go grab a spare and the day would continue, but things were growing out of hand, to the point that so many things were lost that the town couldn’t function. And when the fairy took credit for these misdeeds in the town square, well, that was the last straw. “Why, the baker can’t even grab his bread from his oven without his paddle!” he finished.

This was all strange to Aldin, especially the fairy’s proclamation. Fairies were generally a reclusive race, sure, they liked to give a boon or play a prank on the odd man or woman, but hardly would they show themselves to so many.

The man looked on at Aldin with his green cloak, and tall walking stick in hand, and said, “Say, you’re an elf, right?”

Aldin nodded.

“You know magic, right?”

He nodded again, this time slower.

“Can’t you put up some kind a barrier that won’t let in no fairies? Or make some traps that’ll catch ‘em.”

“I’ll do you one better,” replied Aldin in a sure tone.

The druid spent the rest of the day visiting various townspeople who had missing miscellany, explaining to them that fairies are physically weak and magically strong, so when possible, they will use spells instead. That the fairy likely didn’t in fact take them away but was simply hiding them.

He asked where they normally stored their tools. Once there, he would uncork a vial and sprinkle the contents over the area, and there it would be.

When he gave them the recipe for the revealing dust, they were so thankful and full of glee that they instantly asked what they could give in return. And he would reply, “Any spare coin you’ve got would be great.” By the end of the day, he made more than usual.

That night, he sank snugly in his bed.

This was the life of a druid, wandering from town to city to village, using their knowledge to help who they could, and surviving off of not only the land, but the charity of same people he would give to. It’s a simple life, but a good one, thought Aldin as he drifted into sleep.

From the outside the window beside Aldin’s bed, a knocking came. He was still half asleep when he heard, “Wake up elf-man!”

He raised his heavy head in the direction and saw the fairy from earlier up-close, only a foot (30 cm) away.

She had the same pointy ears as Aldin. Sparkles spotted across her nose and tapered under her eyes. Her wings had the dimensions and color of a birdwing butterfly, but also the transparency and web-like pattern of a dragonfly. She had long wavy red hair, wore a dress that looked to be made of white daffodil petals, and sandals with straps that went up her calves.

But the most noticeable thing about her of all was that the she glowed like a jarful of fireflies, accentuating her already radiant beauty. Falling from her, as she flitted this way and that, was pixie dust.

When she noticed Aldin’s noticing of her, her knocks and urgent whispers became more intense. Aldin was annoyed, reminded of his alarm spell that acted much the same, and opened the window.

She flitted in as soon as she was able and threw herself in Aldin’s face, saying, “What do you think you’re doing? Undoing everything?! Did you think it was just a joke?” She then crossed her arms and said more to herself than to Aldin, “Stupid tall folk!”

He replied, “I’m very sorry,” and proceeded to lie back down and pull his blanket over his head.

She flitted over to the opening in between the blanket and bed, near his head, and said,“Gah, you can’t go to sleep, the fairy queen herself calls upon you!”

“Do I have to go now?”

“Well, no, but it would be rude to not respond as quickly as you can.” Aldin grudgingly agreed.

“Why now? Why not in the morning?”

“Less people about.”

“Can’t you turn invisible?”

“It’s easier to show you the way if you can see me and others can’t, happy?”

Aldin sighed and got out of bed.
 
Last edited:

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.
 
D

Deleted member 29081

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Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.
Nary a dirt trail could be seen in this overgrown forest. The fallen branches and ferns obscured the ground to an extent where the trail was imperceptible to the naked eye, and moss grew along the surface of stones that dotted the landscape. At this time of midmorning, the encroaching light refracted, causing the air itself to appear green. And along with the dapples of light that spotted the ground and the shafts of light that pierced through the overhang, it all seemed serenely beautiful and unique.

One could visit this forest again, and see a similar sight, but it would not be the same as the one at this moment.

That was what Aldin thought, at least. And for having such a chance to witness the forest's beauty at this very moment, he counted himself as eternally grateful.

But Aldin did not simply visit the forest just to take in its flora and fauna. More so than in any other forest he had visited before, magic had practically bathed in the atmosphere of this one. It wasn't difficult for someone like him to figure out that this forest held abnormal levels of magic within its grove.

Aldin was a druid, after all.

As a druid, Aldin was highly attuned to the "aether" (a druidic term for magic) that surrounded him. Other classes that used magic included wizards and clerics. Unlike druids, wizards used and built up magic from within (and they called it "mana"), and clerics used the magic given to them by their god (which they referred to as "divinity"). Wizards and clerics could also detect magic in the atmosphere, but only with the use of spells. Druids, on the other hand, could do so naturally.

In the past, Aldin wondered why this was and asked his mentor. His mentor explained that druids were a nomadic people who coveted knowledge and balance above all else. However, to ensure that none could ever use their knowledge to upset the balance, all of it was recorded not in any written documents, but through the mouths and ears of every generation.

Though this didn't exactly answer his question, Aldin didn't feel the need to pry in too deeply. Some things were better left unsaid, and right now, he needed to focus on the matter at hand.

There should be a cause for this level of aether, Aldin thought, usually, it signifies the presence of-

Suddenly, he heard the distant shouts of, “Get Her!”, “You’ll not get away with it!”, and, “May the hound bite yer wings off!” over each other.

Aldin looked over in the direction to see a veritable mob, with pitchforks, torches, and many other manners of handheld weaponry.

And what were they chasing? A tiny, near imperceptible little thing in comparison (and at that flitting speed!). Why, it was only 3 inches (7.5 cm) tall, with a wingspan of 6 (15). His eyes widened.

It was a fairy!

It laughed joyously; and with a touch of malevolence; at her would-be captors.

Aldin recalled that fairies were prone to pranks, but not to such a degree that it would cause this much outcry. More often than not, they were a fair and benevolent folk.

The druid looked on as the fairy and chasing mob passed him by, not noticing him at all; as preoccupied as they already were; along with the distance and density of trees.

Aldin continued on his way, eventually exiting the forest, where many a tree stump could be seen. He discovered a town seated in a shallow valley. The town was fairly large, with cobble roads and streetlamps. Few of the buildings appeared to be made of stone, but rather wood frame, mud walls, and hay roof variation.

He made his way into town and found an inn for the night. It had been days since Aldin had a proper rest in a warm bed, so he had been looking forward to it a great deal.

Within 30 minutes, Aldin was sitting alone at one of the tables. He had just finished his lunch when a large group of men, disheveled and sweat-drenched, strode into the inn and took up about most all the free tables

“We almost had ‘er.“

“Are you blind? We weren’t even close.“

“It’s called being optimistic, asshole!“

“What’d you call me!?“ The second man then stood from the seat he had taken only moments ago and grabbed at the other’s shirt.

“Quit it! I’ll hear no end of it from the wife if ya tear me shirt!”

Despite the other's protests, a fight ensued, and it culminated in the two wrestling on the floor.

None of the others seemed to notice or care, silently eating their food or muttering to themselves. Aye, the mood was a sorry one.

Aldin rose from his seat, went up to one of these men, and asked about why they were chasing that fairy earlier.

Apparently, the fairy claimed cause for many inconveniences, such as stealing the blacksmith’s hammer, or the well’s bucket.

At first, it was just a small thing that they thought naught of. They would go grab a spare and the day would continue. But things were beginning to grow out of hand, to the point that so many things had been lost and the town couldn’t function.

And when the fairy took credit for these misdeeds in the town square, well, that had apparently been the last straw.

“Why, the baker can’t even grab his bread from his oven without his paddle!” one of the men had stated.

This was all strange to Aldin, especially the fairy’s proclamation. Fairies were generally a reclusive race. Sure, they liked to give a boon or play a prank on the odd man or woman, but hardly would they show themselves to so many.

The same man gazed at Aldin, who was wearing a green cloak and had a tall walking stick in his hand, and said, “Say, you’re an elf, right?”

Aldin nodded.

“You know magic, right?”

He nodded again, this time slower.

“Can’t you put up some kind'a barrier that won’t let in no fairies? Or make some traps that’ll catch ‘em.”

“I’ll do you one better,” replied Aldin, his voice emanating certainty.

The druid spent the rest of the day visiting various townspeople who lost their miscellany to the thefts, explaining to them that fairies are physically weak and magically strong, so when possible, they will use spells instead. That the fairy likely didn’t in fact take them away but was simply hiding them.

He asked where they normally stored their tools. Once there, he would uncork a vial and sprinkle the contents over the area, and the tools would appear.

When he gave them the recipe for the revealing dust, they were so thankful and full of glee that they instantly asked what they could give in return. And he replied, “Any spare coin you’ve got would be great.” By the end of the day, he had made more than usual.

That night, he sank snugly in his bed.

This was the life of a druid, wandering from town to city to village, using his knowledge to help who he could, and surviving off of not only the land but the charity of those he helped. It’s a simple life, but a good one, thought Aldin as he drifted into sleep.

From outside the window, beside Aldin’s bed, a knock sounded. He was still half asleep when he heard, “Wake up, elf-man!”

Raising his heavy head in the direction of the noise, he saw the fairy from earlier up-close, only a foot away.

She had the same pointy ears as Aldin. Sparkles emanated across her nose and under her eyes. Her wings matched a butterfly's in their color and dimension, but they also had the transparency and web-like pattern of a dragonfly's. She had long wavy red hair and wore a dress that looked to be made of white daffodil petals and sandals with straps that went up to her calves.

But the most noticeable thing about her of all was that she glowed like a jarful of fireflies, accentuating her already radiant beauty. As she flitted around, Aldin could witness pixie dust falling to the ground.

When she noticed Aldin's attention, her knocks and urgent whispers became more intense. Aldin's annoyance grew with each successive knock, reminding him of his alarm spell that acted in much the same way.

Reluctantly, he responded to the fairy's pestering by opening the window to let her in.

At that very moment, she threw herself in Aldin’s face and said, “What do you think you’re doing? Undoing everything?! Did you think it was just a joke?” She then crossed her arms and muttered to herself, “Stupid tall folk!”

He replied, “I’m very sorry,” and proceeded to lie back down and pull his blanket over his head.

She flitted over to the opening in between the blanket and bed, near his head, and said, “Gah, you can’t go to sleep. The fairy queen herself calls upon you!”

“Do I have to go now?”

“Well, no, but it would be rude not to respond as quickly as you can.”

Aldin took one good look at this troublesome little creature. Even though he knew of the importance of the fairy queen's summoning, he was too tired to make a visitation at this time of night.

“Why now? Why not in the morning?”

“Less people about.”

“Can’t you turn invisible?”

“It’s easier to show you the way if you can see me and others can’t. Happy?”

Sighing, Aldin got out of bed and put on his cloak.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
D

Deleted member 29081

Guest
Not really looking for advice, mostly just posting because I'm too impatient to wait until I finish the chapter to post it.

The forest was overgrown; nary a dirt trail could be scene; covered with fallen branches and ferns was the ground; atop the stones and up the trees did the moss grow. The surrounding was so green, at this time of midmorning, that the encroaching light refracted, causing the air itself to appear green. And along with the dapples of light that spotted the ground, and the shafts of light that pierced through the overhang, it all seemed serenely beautiful and unique.

One could visit this forest again, and see a similar sight, but it would not be the same as the one in this moment. That was what Aldin thought. And for that he was thankful.

But there was something else as well. The forest was rich with magic, more so than any other forest he had been in before. Druids took in magic from their surroundings called aether, while wizards used and built up magic from within called mana, and clerics used the magic given to them by their god called divinity. Wizards and clerics could detect magic from outside of themselves as well, but they required the use of spells to do so, while druids did not. So Aldin was particularly sensitive to this change.

He wondered why this was and tried recalling his lessons. Druids were a nomadic people who coveted knowledge and the balance above all else. However, to ensure that none could ever use their knowledge to upset the balance, all of it was recorded not in any written documents, but through the mouths and ears of every generation.

There should be a cause for this level of aether, thought Aldin, usually it signifies the presence of - .

Suddenly, he heard the distant shouts of, “Get Her!”, “You’ll not get away with it!”, and, “May the hound bite yer wings off!” over each other.

Aldin looked over in the direction to see a veritable mob, with pitchforks and torches and many other manner of handheld weaponry.

And what were they chasing but a tiny, near imperceptible little thing in comparison and at that flitting speed, why, it was only 3 inches (7.5 cm) tall, with a wingspan of 6 (15). It was a fairy!

It laughed joyously and with a touch of malevolence at her would-be captors.

Aldin recalled that fairies were prone to pranks, but not to such a degree that it would cause this much outcry. More often than not, they were a fair and benevolent folk.

The druid looked on as the fairy and chasing mob passed him by, not noticing him at all, as preoccupied as they already were, along with the distance and density of trees.

Aldin continued continued his way, eventually exiting the forest, where many a tree stump were, and finding a town seated in a shallow valley. It was fairly large, with cobble roads and streetlamps. Few of the buildings were stone, most being of the wood frame, mud walls, and hay roof variation.

He made his way into town and went to find an inn for the night. It had been days since Aldin had a proper rest in a warm bed, so he was looking forward to it a great deal.

30 minutes passed and he had just finished his lunch when a large group of men took up about most all the free tables. They were disheveled and sweat-drenched.

“We almost had ‘er.“

“Are you blind? We weren’t even close.“

“It’s called being optimistic, Asshole!“

“What’d you call me!?“ The second man then stood from the seat he took only moments ago and grabbed at the other’s shirt.

“Quit it! I’ll hear no end of it from the wife if ya tear me shirt!” And the two proceeded to tussle and wrestle on the floor.

None of the others seemed to notice or care, silently eating their food or muttering to themselves. Aye, the mood was a sorry one.

Aldin rose from his seat, went up to one of these men, and asked about why they were chasing that fairy earlier. Apparently, the fairy claimed cause for many an inconvenience, such as stealing the blacksmith’s hammer, or the well’s bucket. At first it was just a small thing that they thought naught of, they would go grab a spare and the day would continue, but things were growing out of hand, to the point that so many things were lost that the town couldn’t function. And when the fairy took credit for these misdeeds in the town square, well, that was the last straw. “Why, the baker can’t even grab his bread from his oven without his paddle!” he finished.

This was all strange to Aldin, especially the fairy’s proclamation. Fairies were generally a reclusive race, sure, they liked to give a boon or play a prank on the odd man or woman, but hardly would they show themselves to so many.

The man looked on at Aldin with his green cloak, and tall walking stick in hand, and said, “Say, you’re an elf, right?”

Aldin nodded.

“You know magic, right?”

He nodded again, this time slower.

“Can’t you put up some kind a barrier that won’t let in no fairies? Or make some traps that’ll catch ‘em.”

“I’ll do you one better,” replied Aldin in a sure tone.

The druid spent the rest of the day visiting various townspeople who had missing miscellany, explaining to them that fairies are physically weak and magically strong, so when possible, they will use spells instead. That the fairy likely didn’t in fact take them away but was simply hiding them.

He asked where they normally stored their tools. Once there, he would uncork a vial and sprinkle the contents over the area, and there it would be.

When he gave them the recipe for the revealing dust, they were so thankful and full of glee that they instantly asked what they could give in return. And he would reply, “Any spare coin you’ve got would be great.” By the end of the day, he made more than usual.

That night, he sank snugly in his bed.

This was the life of a druid, wandering from town to city to village, using their knowledge to help who they could, and surviving off of not only the land, but the charity of same people he would give to. It’s a simple life, but a good one, thought Aldin as he drifted into sleep.

From the outside the window beside Aldin’s bed, a knocking came. He was still half asleep when he heard, “Wake up elf-man!”

He raised his heavy head in the direction and saw the fairy from earlier up-close, only a foot (30 cm) away.

She had the same pointy ears as Aldin. Sparkles spotted across her nose and tapered under her eyes. Her wings had the dimensions and color of a birdwing butterfly, but also the transparency and web-like pattern of a dragonfly. She had long wavy red hair, wore a dress that looked to be made of white daffodil petals, and sandals with straps that went up her calves.

But the most noticeable thing about her of all was that the she glowed like a jarful of fireflies, accentuating her already radiant beauty. Falling from her, as she flitted this way and that, was pixie dust.

When she noticed Aldin’s noticing of her, her knocks and urgent whispers became more intense. Aldin was annoyed, reminded of his alarm spell that acted much the same, and opened the window.

She flitted in as soon as she was able and threw herself in Aldin’s face, saying, “What do you think you’re doing? Undoing everything?! Did you think it was just a joke?” She then crossed her arms and said more to herself than to Aldin, “Stupid tall folk!”

He replied, “I’m very sorry,” and proceeded to lie back down and pull his blanket over his head.

She flitted over to the opening in between the blanket and bed, near his head, and said,“Gah, you can’t go to sleep, the fairy queen herself calls upon you!”

“Do I have to go now?”

“Well, no, but it would be rude to not respond as quickly as you can.” Aldin grudgingly agreed.

“Why now? Why not in the morning?”

“Less people about.”

“Can’t you turn invisible?”

“It’s easier to show you the way if you can see me and others can’t, happy?”

Aldin sighed and got out of bed.
My feedback would mainly be this. Be cognizant of where you place your sentences. A standalone sentence has much more impact than one blending within a paragraph.

Here's an example.

And what were they chasing? A tiny, near imperceptible little thing in comparison (and at that flitting speed!). Why, it was only 3 inches (7.5 cm) tall, with a wingspan of 6 (15). His eyes widened.

It was a fairy!
Compare that with this sentence.
And what were they chasing but a tiny, near imperceptible little thing in comparison and at that flitting speed, why, it was only 3 inches (7.5 cm) tall, with a wingspan of 6 (15). It was a fairy!
The revelation of the creature being a fairy (emphasized by the exclamation point at the end) would be much more impactful if it had its own paragraph as a standalone sentence.

Of course, I added the "his eyes widened" part there to describe our main character's response to this situation. By doing so, the impact of the sentence can now be explained by Aldin's own surprise at seeing the fairy, rather than relying on the reader to be surprised on his behalf.
 

Scribbler

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
290
Points
103
Nary a dirt trail could be seen in this overgrown forest. The fallen branches and ferns obscured the ground to an extent where the trail was imperceptible to the naked eye, and moss grew along the surface of stones that dotted the landscape. At this time of midmorning, the encroaching light refracted, causing the air itself to appear green. And along with the dapples of light that spotted the ground and the shafts of light that pierced through the overhang, it all seemed serenely beautiful and unique.

One could visit this forest again, and see a similar sight, but it would not be the same as the one at this moment.

That was what Aldin thought, at least. And for having such a chance to witness the forest's beauty at this very moment, he counted himself as eternally grateful.

But Aldin did not simply visit the forest just to take in its flora and fauna. More so than in any other forest he had visited before, magic had practically bathed in the atmosphere of this one. It wasn't difficult for someone like him to figure out that this forest held abnormal levels of magic within its grove.

Aldin was a druid, after all.

As a druid, Aldin was highly attuned to the "aether" (a druidic term for magic) that surrounded him. Other classes that used magic included wizards and clerics. Unlike druids, wizards used and built up magic from within (and they called it "mana"), and clerics used the magic given to them by their god (which they referred to as "divinity"). Wizards and clerics could also detect magic in the atmosphere, but only with the use of spells. Druids, on the other hand, could do so naturally.

In the past, Aldin wondered why this was and asked his mentor. His mentor explained that druids were a nomadic people who coveted knowledge and balance above all else. However, to ensure that none could ever use their knowledge to upset the balance, all of it was recorded not in any written documents, but through the mouths and ears of every generation.

Though this didn't exactly answer his question, Aldin didn't feel the need to pry in too deeply. Some things were better left unsaid, and right now, he needed to focus on the matter at hand.

There should be a cause for this level of aether, Aldin thought, usually, it signifies the presence of-

Suddenly, he heard the distant shouts of, “Get Her!”, “You’ll not get away with it!”, and, “May the hound bite yer wings off!” over each other.

Aldin looked over in the direction to see a veritable mob, with pitchforks, torches, and many other manners of handheld weaponry.

And what were they chasing? A tiny, near imperceptible little thing in comparison (and at that flitting speed!). Why, it was only 3 inches (7.5 cm) tall, with a wingspan of 6 (15). His eyes widened.

It was a fairy!

It laughed joyously; and with a touch of malevolence; at her would-be captors.

Aldin recalled that fairies were prone to pranks, but not to such a degree that it would cause this much outcry. More often than not, they were a fair and benevolent folk.

The druid looked on as the fairy and chasing mob passed him by, not noticing him at all; as preoccupied as they already were; along with the distance and density of trees.

Aldin continued on his way, eventually exiting the forest, where many a tree stump could be seen. He discovered a town seated in a shallow valley. The town was fairly large, with cobble roads and streetlamps. Few of the buildings appeared to be made of stone, but rather wood frame, mud walls, and hay roof variation.

He made his way into town and found an inn for the night. It had been days since Aldin had a proper rest in a warm bed, so he had been looking forward to it a great deal.

Within 30 minutes, Aldin was sitting alone at one of the tables. He had just finished his lunch when a large group of men, disheveled and sweat-drenched, strode into the inn and took up about most all the free tables

“We almost had ‘er.“

“Are you blind? We weren’t even close.“

“It’s called being optimistic, asshole!“

“What’d you call me!?“ The second man then stood from the seat he had taken only moments ago and grabbed at the other’s shirt.

“Quit it! I’ll hear no end of it from the wife if ya tear me shirt!”

Despite the other's protests, a fight ensued, and it culminated in the two wrestling on the floor.

None of the others seemed to notice or care, silently eating their food or muttering to themselves. Aye, the mood was a sorry one.

Aldin rose from his seat, went up to one of these men, and asked about why they were chasing that fairy earlier.

Apparently, the fairy claimed cause for many inconveniences, such as stealing the blacksmith’s hammer, or the well’s bucket.

At first, it was just a small thing that they thought naught of. They would go grab a spare and the day would continue. But things were beginning to grow out of hand, to the point that so many things had been lost and the town couldn’t function.

And when the fairy took credit for these misdeeds in the town square, well, that had apparently been the last straw.

“Why, the baker can’t even grab his bread from his oven without his paddle!” one of the men had stated.

This was all strange to Aldin, especially the fairy’s proclamation. Fairies were generally a reclusive race. Sure, they liked to give a boon or play a prank on the odd man or woman, but hardly would they show themselves to so many.

The same man gazed at Aldin, who was wearing a green cloak and had a tall walking stick in his hand, and said, “Say, you’re an elf, right?”

Aldin nodded.

“You know magic, right?”

He nodded again, this time slower.

“Can’t you put up some kind'a barrier that won’t let in no fairies? Or make some traps that’ll catch ‘em.”

“I’ll do you one better,” replied Aldin, his voice emanating certainty.

The druid spent the rest of the day visiting various townspeople who lost their miscellany to the thefts, explaining to them that fairies are physically weak and magically strong, so when possible, they will use spells instead. That the fairy likely didn’t in fact take them away but was simply hiding them.

He asked where they normally stored their tools. Once there, he would uncork a vial and sprinkle the contents over the area, and the tools would appear.

When he gave them the recipe for the revealing dust, they were so thankful and full of glee that they instantly asked what they could give in return. And he replied, “Any spare coin you’ve got would be great.” By the end of the day, he had made more than usual.

That night, he sank snugly in his bed.

This was the life of a druid, wandering from town to city to village, using his knowledge to help who he could, and surviving off of not only the land but the charity of those he helped. It’s a simple life, but a good one, thought Aldin as he drifted into sleep.

From outside the window, beside Aldin’s bed, a knock sounded. He was still half asleep when he heard, “Wake up, elf-man!”

Raising his heavy head in the direction of the noise, he saw the fairy from earlier up-close, only a foot away.

She had the same pointy ears as Aldin. Sparkles emanated across her nose and under her eyes. Her wings matched a butterfly's in their color and dimension, but they also had the transparency and web-like pattern of a dragonfly's. She had long wavy red hair and wore a dress that looked to be made of white daffodil petals and sandals with straps that went up to her calves.

But the most noticeable thing about her of all was that she glowed like a jarful of fireflies, accentuating her already radiant beauty. As she flitted around, Aldin could witness pixie dust falling to the ground.

When she noticed Aldin's attention, her knocks and urgent whispers became more intense. Aldin's annoyance grew with each successive knock, reminding him of his alarm spell that acted in much the same way.

Reluctantly, he responded to the fairy's pestering by opening the window to let her in.

At that very moment, she threw herself in Aldin’s face and said, “What do you think you’re doing? Undoing everything?! Did you think it was just a joke?” She then crossed her arms and muttered to herself, “Stupid tall folk!”

He replied, “I’m very sorry,” and proceeded to lie back down and pull his blanket over his head.

She flitted over to the opening in between the blanket and bed, near his head, and said, “Gah, you can’t go to sleep. The fairy queen herself calls upon you!”

“Do I have to go now?”

“Well, no, but it would be rude not to respond as quickly as you can.”

Aldin took one good look at this troublesome little creature. Even though he knew of the importance of the fairy queen's summoning, he was too tired to make a visitation at this time of night.

“Why now? Why not in the morning?”

“Less people about.”

“Can’t you turn invisible?”

“It’s easier to show you the way if you can see me and others can’t. Happy?”

Sighing, Aldin got out of bed and put on his cloak.
A lot of your changes were stylistic ones that I didn't care for, but I enjoyed the addition of the mentioning of his master. That was interesting, and I actually did play with the idea of doing something similar, later on in the chapter.
My feedback would mainly be this. Be cognizant of where you place your sentences. A standalone sentence has much more impact than one blending within a paragraph.

Here's an example.


Compare that with this sentence.

The revelation of the creature being a fairy (emphasized by the exclamation point at the end) would be much more impactful if it had its own paragraph as a standalone sentence.

Of course, I added the "his eyes widened" part there to describe our main character's response to this situation. By doing so, the impact of the sentence can now be explained by Aldin's own surprise at seeing the fairy, rather than relying on the reader to be surprised on his behalf.
I must apologize, for of recent date, I've been reading more phsyical novels than web novels. I thought that I had succeeded in blending the two together, as was my intent, but from your grievance and that other's, perhaps some more reading of web novels would lessen the gap.

Regarding standalone sentences, I only do that sort of thing when I try to show a chunk of time passing by/when I want to build suspense. I'm used to chunky paragraphs, but perhaps I should change that.

I must state, I am extremely, eternally grateful for your not only reading of it, but your insight as someone more knowledgeable in the web novel field.
 
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A lot of your changes were stylistic ones that I didn't care for, but I enjoyed the addition of the mentioning of his master. That was interesting, and I actually did play with the idea of doing something similar, later on in the chapter.

I must apologize, for of recent date, I've been reading more phsyical novels than web novels. I thought that I had succeeded in blending the two together, as was my intent, but from your grievance and that other's, perhaps some more reading of web novels would lessen the gap.

Regarding standalone sentences, I only do that sort of thing when I try to show a chunk of time passing by/when I want to build suspense. I'm used to chunky paragraphs, but perhaps I should change that.

I must state, I am extremely, eternally grateful for your not only reading of it, but your insight as someone more knowledgeable in the web novel field.
I have not read a physical novel in a while, so I don’t know how they style it, but I think a good story should allow the reader to read more than just the words.

Sentence placement and word choice can make a world of difference in establishing the mood a particular scene is trying to convey.

As for my edits, I was attempting to follow the previous critic’s advice on limiting ”was” words as much as possible while staying true to the source content.
 

Scribbler

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I have not read a physical novel in a while, so I don’t know how they style it, but I think a good story should allow the reader to read more than just the words.

Sentence placement and word choice can make a world of difference in establishing the mood a particular scene is trying to convey.

As for my edits, I was attempting to follow the previous critic’s advice on limiting ”was” words as much as possible while staying true to the source content.
This is my opinion, but I really think you turned it into your own thing. A lot of my style is pretty vague, so if someone were to edit it, it would carry on it's own or new meaning. I enjoyed the was words, I think they added gravitas. Yours is too quick for my preference.

I definitely feel more you than me when reading the edit. But I could definitely see how people could enjoy your version more. But of course I'll like my version better, cause I wrote it how I would like it. I had a sort of continuity to mine, while yours was certainly more lively.

Stylistic feedback between authors, I just don't think it's as productive as feedback from a reader.

But again, thank you for your time and thoughts.
 

ForestDweller

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My feedback would mainly be this. Be cognizant of where you place your sentences. A standalone sentence has much more impact than one blending within a paragraph.

Here's an example.


Compare that with this sentence.

The revelation of the creature being a fairy (emphasized by the exclamation point at the end) would be much more impactful if it had its own paragraph as a standalone sentence.

Of course, I added the "his eyes widened" part there to describe our main character's response to this situation. By doing so, the impact of the sentence can now be explained by Aldin's own surprise at seeing the fairy, rather than relying on the reader to be surprised on his behalf.

And then you'll get flak from the "down with short paragraphs!" crowd. :s_tongue:

Though just to be clear, I agree with your advice.
 

Scribbler

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This is probably pointless to post, but I finally realized why this was garbage.
 
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