M.G.Driver
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2022
- Messages
- 201
- Points
- 108
new author looking for feedback, thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/699373/a-black-market-litrpg/
Thank you for taking time to read it, I appreciate it a lot! Cerberus is and will be discussed further in the story since there is quiet a lot going on. Description of characters and locations is something I'm trying to work on but still struggle to get right, so that's just on me being unable to pull it off the way it should.Another excellent story! Thanks for introducing me to it.
The whole time reading it, I was just reminded of two things: Lycoris Recoil and Resident Evil. The former due to its similar character and the latter due to its similar setting and character names [Clair and ‘Leon' (one word off from ‘Yeon') are characters of RE] so it was pretty amusing to me. Plus, I liked both series so I naturally liked yours, which was well-executed in terms of writing and pacing.
The story itself, subjective as it may be, was really intriguing to me despite following various tropes naturally used. I can see we have got a good cast of characters and a good intent (not in terms of morals, in terms of logic) that clarifies why they do stuff. Your writing skills are off the charts and your scene setting is excellent. I would suggest though that you describe the area more, especially considering how much we jump from places in this story (Although you do specify time and location).
The fight scenes were really well-written, there was a smooth flow yet it felt chaotic, a hard-to-pull move but you have achieved it successfully. I was also impressed by the fact that you managed to describe the characters' personalities during the fight scenes, but I also think that it could have been utilised more.
The multiple aspects that you bring together through various periods of time adds a depth to the story and world-building, like referencing the past of this world and the history of the company, but I think there might be a small problem there.
If these Specters are such a huge threat to the very survival of humanity that they almost wiped us out several times, why is the world letting a private organization handle it, let alone leaving it to die? That needs to be addressed (perhaps it is in the later chapters which I haven't read yet, so sorry and please don't spoil it because I want to read it). So world-building could use a little elaboration on there.
Finally, I reckon that the cast introduction was a bit weak, though it could be the case that I am at fault for not understanding it properly. The thing is, I confused the characters a lot at the start. So, just wanted to mention that. I reckon too many characters were introduced too quickly, so I mixed some attributes with others.
Overall, really professionally written. Perhaps could use a bit of world-building and character specification, but besides that, a cool story touching multiple genres and a cool cast of characters with clear intents.
As I always say, feedback is a conversation. So, looking forward to hearing back from you.
The inessential human strive to comprehend the indifferent nature of the universe around him necessitates the drive of creation; imagination renders myths which in an effort to comfort the self becomes something greater than self.Cool. Sounds like possibly a request for less typical works of the site. So I'll bite:
Chaos Slinger
The inessential human strive to comprehend the indifferent nature of the universe around him necessitates the drive of creation; imagination renders myths which in an effort to comfort the self becomes something greater than self.
I like how you began the story fantastically (as in, like a fantasy) and quickly made it pragmatic. Wonderfully fantastic. Throughout the first chapter, you built your character very well, his views, intents, and motives. I also liked how we basically go through the same journey the charter does in the past, fascination crushed by reality, which makes sense considering we learn it stuff through his eyes.
The world-building is great, giving snippets of information here and there in between the lines to let the viewers unheedingly build a perception of the world, I really liked that. At the same time, due to the aspects of the story, it was easy to recognize the sociological structure of his world too, at least to a certain extent, along with the lifestyle. It all adds up to be an enriched world.
Usually, a bunch of foreign names thrown at the reader at their very start may overwhelm them, but here as the names were distinct, repeated, and had meaning associated with them, and also at the same time to really important to the immediate story, it worked out well.
Your word usage and description skills are convincing and sells the idea of the world. The writing style subtly indicative of the state of the surroundings, ability which contributes to the enrichment of every scene.
I have only started reading your story, and can already say I will follow through it. As I say, feedback is a conversation, as live ahead with the stories I will gain more insights, and I will make sure to share them with you :)
Thank you for suggesting your story to me.
Taking up the offer ^3new author looking for feedback, thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/699373/a-black-market-litrpg/
I will be honest, my first impression of the story was dull. I thought I wouldn't like the prospect of it and the synopsis also was a downer for me. But oh boy, when I read it, it immediately became the best thing I have reviewed here thus far.I would love to take you up on that offer! I promise you that it isn't anything like mindless smut or anything. Definitely is unique though. I could use more ratings and reviews.
Charisma
I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...www.scribblehub.com
It's readers like you that give me the will, motivation, and inspiration to continue writing. I haven't starting crying yet, but I can feel the tears, goshdarnit! Thank you.I will be honest, my first impression of the story was dull. I thought I wouldn't like the prospect of it and the synopsis also was a downer for me. But oh boy, when I read it, it immediately became the best thing I have reviewed here thus far.
Initially, I was suspicious of your... questionable word choice and your sentence structuring was a bit off by a mark. It seemed that the voice exchange was random and the narration was confusing. Though in retrospect, all of those things add up to enriching the experience of reading this novel, change nothing! Not all stories are going to follow an objective code, they all are different and they should, even must, be. And though wary of your style first, I like it very much! I don't think this story is for everyone, but those who will read it (including me) will be extremely invested in it!
The premise and the subtle, subtle and excellent world-building is the best I have seen so far in my reviews. The introduction to the characters and their personalities was so good!
Look, I am not saying it was objectively best. In that sense actually, I reckon it may fail to tick some boxes. But to me, subjectively, this was the most intriguing and entertaining read thus far. How sociology works, the government is, the psychological system is established, and interactions of the characters, just .
Keep writing is the only feedback I would like to give to you, I don't want to risk affecting your style by clouding your judgment through my dumb review. Because your story is different, unique.
Still, if you want a conversation I will be always free to suggest :)
Thank you for such a good suggestion!
Also you other folks reading this should check this out!
And I will review the other amazing novels suggested to me soon. Very glad that I can be a bit helpful. Thank you everyone! You guys are very inspirational!
I had been wanting to review your story for a long time, sorry for the wait!Seamlessly recommending my stories. *simply click on the stories in my signature*
PS You should use a signature too.
Personally, I am a supporter of this choice. I like the introduction through an imaginary narrator in the tradition of Herodotus. It gives the story an epic, historical flair you cannot achieve through character driven interaction.## A) World-Building.
The world-building is pretty straightforward. Although it is the conventional way, especially when your story is more character-driven, I am really not a fan of such information exposition dumps. Perhaps the reason is that I have endured far too many orthodox direct world depositions on me in my lifetime, more than a healthy human should consume in his time on the planet.
That is a fair assessment actually, but you should consider that I write for all ranges, but you might need to elaborate here more.I do think it also seems rather condescending, in the sense that it seems to be questioning a reader's intelligence. But I reckon that it is alright, especially for many newcomers. And the description wasn't bad as well, so even cultured folks like me wouldn't hate it. They just won't be very supportive of it. So, decent overall.
## C) Theme Dissection.
The most interesting thing to me here was the theme. Though I haven't read much into the story, I was excepting a bit more Germanic interventions throughout the story, more than just names.
Though I can see you using historical context, for a geek like me it was awesome!
I will perhaps comment more on the theme when I have completed more of your story.
This is where I must disagree strongly. Language is a precise tool, and words have particular meaning. I don't like when people use words without understanding.I expect precision.## A) Grammer And Word Usage.
The linguistical tools used at the beginning of the story were great, so was the vocabulary. Though I felt as the story progressed, they become sparse and few. That is not to say that the quality was affected, but it felt like there was a change in narration.
It is here that I would like to introduce the concept of ‘Impactful Words.' As I said in every review I will be telling a new literary device, this is the first one.
Whilst reading, I felt that you misplaced these impactful words. To explain what they are, here is an allegory. Instead of using the word ‘while' I used ‘whilst' which unintentionally told your subconscious that the following is going to be important but somehow wiser as well, because we associate archaic word usage with more knowledge. In the same way, using the word 'allegory' instead of 'example' helped me make you pay more attention. There is another, instead of 'ancient' I used 'archaic', which automatically sent a different signal to your brain and you interpreted it differently.
Yes, because it takes a lot of effort to craft like this. But your point is well taken. Nevertheless, you must be careful to not descend into mannerism.You made good use of impactful words in the start, though later their impact felt diminished to me.
But it is subjective.
The reason why synonyms exist and no two words are the same is that every word is having a different association and degree of impact, keep that in mind.
It is a poem ... I wonder from which ...“And then the place where the sisters descend to... Are the scenic mountains of Arcadia... Which later became known to all as... Paradiasis."
Regarding word usage, that was precisely my point .Personally, I am a supporter of this choice. I like the introduction through an imaginary narrator in the tradition of Herodotus. It gives the story an epic, historical flair you cannot achieve through character driven interaction.
That is a fair assessment actually, but you should consider that I write for all ranges, but you might need to elaborate here more.
You can't have both. Or do you want to overwhelm people with a large cast and heavy world building at the same time?
This is where I must disagree strongly. Language is a precise tool, and words have particular meaning. I don't like when people use words without understanding.I expect precision.
For me, your two examples would achieve the exact contrary.
"Allegory" - "Example"
They are not synonyms. Allegory is more akin to metaphor but richer in nuance. Meanwhile, an example is a mere example. It is more of a rhetorical tool. So if the author starts to use "allegory" as a substitute for example. they show me:
a) they don't know what an allegory is
b) they don't know what an example is
c) they don't grasp precision and favour empty fancy writing. You don't sound wiser to me. It is not proper usage. Quite the contrary. Precision should be more valued than mannerism.
You cannot use the words interchangeable.
Same with "ancient" and "archaic". One is Latin. One is Greek.
But archaic carries a strong connotation of old and obsolete. Meanwhile, ancient expresses merely old in a historical sense.
So it makes a significant difference if you say, an ancient language or an archaic language. An ancient language is still old, but still in use. There is no judgement attached. An archaic language, however, is old and obsolete. There is a strong sense of qualitative judgement.
By changing a single world, you actually end up saying something completely different because you use a word that you think are complete synonyms without a second thought.
I have already edited a few stories already. And I have always insisted on precision. But you are right with whilst.
Yes, because it takes a lot of effort to craft like this. But your point is well taken. Nevertheless, you must be careful to not descend into mannerism.
It is a poem ... I wonder from which ...
Okay, but don't use Arcadia! It is contaminatio!Regarding word usage, that was precisely my point .
I reckon larger cast and an enriched world are complimentary and go hand in hand. They support each other if done correctly, but it's the author's choice.
Simple elaboration on direct exposition: it might be irritating to some viewers. But when writing for a wide range, it is justified.
Your hard work is well-appreciated!
Oh yes, the poem.
It is a secret XD.
Contamimatio, another fascinating word added to my vocabulary! Thank you!Okay, but don't use Arcadia! It is contaminatio!
Contamnatio - A case when words of different language origins are used together.
Arcadia is the Latinised version of Arkadia. Greek doesn't have the letter c, meanwhile Latin was much of a user of k. Funnily, the c is pronounced the same way as k, so it doesn't matter much spoken wise. But it doesn't graphically.
Paradiasis is clearly Greek in origin. So why do you use Greek and Latin intermixed? It is confusing.
*classical education strikes* It is Chaos! The Greek x is not a kappa.Contamimatio, another fascinating word added to my vocabulary! Thank you!
As for the intermiximg, there is a rabbit hole that goes deep.
Just know, Nyx and Khaos both are mothers, yet only one can convince and the other is only a personification. All is not as it seems.
That is the go al clue I give. The rest, figure it out if you can, though I wouldn't recommend trying as it's a niche and I don't expect anyone to find an answer. There are no correct answers.
Sounds like a persona game.Contamimatio, another fascinating word added to my vocabulary! Thank you!
As for the intermiximg, there is a rabbit hole that goes deep.
Just know, Nyx and Khaos both are mothers, yet only one can convince and the other is only a personification. All is not as it seems.
That is the go al clue I give. The rest, figure it out if you can, though I wouldn't recommend trying as it's a niche and I don't expect anyone to find an answer. There are no correct answers.
Not sure I follow.Greek x is not a kappa.
Chi doesn't translate to kh in terms of pronunciation. Khaos is an incorrect transliteration that arises probably from its incorrect English use. Chi is a phonem that doesn't exist in English that leads to an approximation through kh.Not sure I follow.
Not a persona game XD.
Chi doesn't translate to kh in terms of pronunciation. Khaos is an incorrect transliteration that arises probably from its incorrect English use. Chi is a phonem that doesn't exist in English that leads to an approximation through kh.
I was referring to the deity.Chi doesn't translate to kh in terms of pronunciation. Khaos is an incorrect transliteration that arises probably from its incorrect English use. Chi is a phonem that doesn't exist in English that leads to an approximation through kh.
Come help me. You surely understand too as a Cyrillic user.