Hello, I appreciate your feedback on Chapter 1:
Genetically modified monsters invade our planet every day. They only have one thing in their mind, an order to devour and destroy. For now, Earth stands united against this threat, but when all guns are turned at the enemy outside, who will handle the enemy within? Leonard is a victim...
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Chapter 1:
Your story is captivating and engaging, with an intriguing premise centered around pyromancers and the Red Sky Covenant organization. The dialogue and action scenes add depth and excitement to the plot, showcasing the protagonist's well-thought-out strategy against Agantha.
However, there are areas that could be improved, such as:
- The need for clearer paragraph breaks and proper punctuation;
- Consistency in verb tenses and capitalization of proper nouns should also be maintained;
- Adding more descriptive language to immerse readers in the characters' emotions;
- Exploring the protagonist's motivations would enhance the story and;
- Providing more background information and world-building details would further captivate readers and enrich the story's universe.
Quick pointers:
- "Agantha lifted her index fingers and extended them into the air. She effortlessly rotated her hands, tracing an arc that gradually formed a perfect circle. 'You're seriously breaking my heart believing that a mere smokescreen can save you.' With her command, fire pillars began spinning and moving in a motion similar to tornados."
Agantha lifted her index fingers, extending them into the air. With effortless grace, she rotated her hands, tracing an arc that gradually formed a perfect circle. "'You're seriously breaking my heart believing that a mere smokescreen can save you,' she taunted. With a swift command, fire pillars emerged from the ground, spinning and moving like fierce tornadoes, encircling the arena in a blaze of power."
The description of Agantha's actions is more specific, using sensory language to immerse the reader in the scene. The dialogue is integrated smoothly into the action, adding depth to Agantha's character and showcasing her confidence and power as a pyromancer.
- "I strengthened my grip. Sensors showed that the outer layers could hold for ten more seconds before I got barbequed. That's more than enough to fry her with electricity."
"I tightened my grip on Agantha, feeling the seconds ticking away on the sensors. The outer layers of the exosuit could withstand the intense heat for only ten more seconds before I risked being barbecued. But it was all part of my plan. With a controlled surge of electricity, I sent a shock through her body."
The protagonist's actions and thoughts are explored in more detail, allowing the reader to understand the strategy and risk involved in their battle with Agantha. The use of sensory language and emotions adds depth to the scene, making it more engaging and relatable for the reader.
Hi. I would appreciate feedback on the first chapter:
The Game of Empires: Lost in the Arena.
Chapter 1:
I'll be direct from here on out.
- The story would benefit from clearer paragraph breaks to enhance readability and create a more organized structure, especially when transitioning between events or settings.
- Consistency in verb tenses should be maintained throughout the story to avoid confusing the reader with abrupt switches.
- To immerse the reader in the action and emotions of the characters, it would be helpful to incorporate more descriptive and sensory language, showing emotions and actions through imagery (refer to examples above).
- While the protagonist's emotions and reactions are well-presented, further development of their thoughts and motivations would make them more relatable and three-dimensional. Providing additional background information about the protagonist could also help readers connect with them on a deeper level.
- It is important to carefully proofread the text for correct punctuation usage, including commas and periods, to maintain clarity and coherence in the narrative.
I definitely think that the first chapter needs a kind of ice-breaker, especially since it's really focused on the narrative part. May bore readers, but the style will work with the right interesting execution.
Would love feedback on my webnovel, please look at the back cover and prologue
A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....
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Prologue:
- To improve the dialogue, try making it more dynamic by incorporating realistic speech patterns, emotions, and reactions among the characters.
- Take the time to develop each scene in a more thorough manner, allowing readers to fully immerse themselves in the settings and emotions of the characters.
- Enhance the reading experience by adding more clear and sensory details to the descriptions of the surroundings.
- The conflict resolution between Moreen and Nylah feels rushed and could use more tension and complexity to create a more satisfying resolution. This would add depth to the overall story.
- The story tends to rely on telling rather than showing emotions and actions of the characters. It would be more engaging and immersive for readers if the emotions and actions are depicted through behavior, body language, and interactions with others.
- There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes throughout the text, which may distract readers. It's essential to carefully proofread and edit the work (which I won't be doing anymore) to ensure it is free from errors.
- Consistency in characters' traits, personalities, and actions is crucial. Sudden changes in behavior without proper justification can confuse readers and should be avoided.
The story has a nice engaging and suspenseful atmosphere, with descriptions that create a strong sense of setting and emotion. Nice!
[Beep, beep!
I'll do the others next week. Also, they aren't that specific because I really don't have that much time even in the weekends.
Beep, boop!]
