Need feedback

[Enchant]

I need someone to read the first chapter of my work and if you like it can you also read the rest but I just need your feedback thx.

- Chapter 3: Heroes Tropes | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ai-chan]

This young man sat at his desk, his gaze fixed on the window through which many students were leaving for the day. He was the only one still in their classroom because they had ordered him to clean the entire classroom.

Hold on, Ai-chan is pretty sure you didn't mean what you said here. Because what you said here is that 'many students were leaving THROUGH the window that he's looking at'. Ai-chan think what you meant to say "This young man sat at his desk, looking out the window. His gaze fixed on the front gate/main courtyard, through which many students were leaving for the day."

As for Ai-chan's feedback, your biggest problems are your grammar and your paragraphing.

It is already 6 of the evening when he finished cleaning their classroom and could come home “I am home” when he enters their living room, he sees his little sister and a couple of girls seating next to a young man this young man has a golden hair, his face is like those of a model and right now they are looking towards him "I didn’t expect to see that you bought some guest Luna?" Luna was the name of his little sister and right now Luna is staring at him like an angry wolf “Leon I already bought your food in your room so will you go upstairs already you are bothering us!” he then looked again at the young man beside her "Sorry about that big brother Light let’s continue watching now, shall we?” she said that while showing a big smile, also the man beside her was light the most popular boy in our school every girl in our school have a crush towards him, that includes her sister and his childhood friend that was in right-side of light.

This is too many words in a paragraph.

You could separate it into (together with correction):

It was already six in the evening when he was done cleaning the classroom and could return home.

"I am home," he announced as he walked past the threshold of the front door.

As he entered the living room, he saw his little sister and a couple of girls sitting next to a young man. He had golden hair, his face was pretty like a model and at the moment he was looking at him in turn.

"I didn't expect to see you bring home guests, Luna."

Luna was the name of his little sister. She stared at him like an angry wolf, "Leon, I already carried your dinner to your good so will you go upstairs and stop bothering us!"

He again looked at the young man sitting beside her.

"Sorry about that, big brother Light. Let's continue watching now, shall we?" she said as she showed a big smile.

The young man beside her was Light, the most popular boy in school. Every girl in the school has a crush on him. And his little sister and his childhood friend who was sitting to the right side of Light are among those girls."

First problem: Paragraphing. That's way too many things happening in one paragraph.

Second problem: Punctuation. Full stops where full stops are due. Dialogues with question marks should be enquiry dialogues, not statement dialogues. "I didn't expect you to bring home guests" is a statement, as if you have set a rule, but she broke it. If you want to sound bewildered, you would say, "I wasn't informed there would be guests, Luna?" as if you are accusing her of not giving you information.

Third problem: Capitalization and sentence structure.

Fourth problem: That's a very long time spent on cleaning duty. Ai-chan went to school in Japan. If we spent over 3 hours cleaning the classroom at the end of the day, you'd have to wonder what the other students on the days prior were doing. All we'd do at the end of the class were wiping clean the blackboard, dusting the duster, dusting the top of the cupboards, sweeping the floor and arranging the tables in order. Doesn't take more than half an hour even if you're doing it alone. Also, we usually have cram school every evening, between 4/5pm to 9/10pm, so if you spend too long cleaning the classroom, the teachers will come and berate you for taking too long before telling you to go home. Pretty much the only students at school after 4pm would be those with club activities.

 

[Enchant]

Hold on, Ai-chan is pretty sure you didn't mean what you said here. Because what you said here is that 'many students were leaving THROUGH the window that he's looking at'. Ai-chan think what you meant to say "This young man sat at his desk, looking out the window. His gaze fixed on the front gate/main courtyard, through which many students were leaving for the day."

As for Ai-chan's feedback, your biggest problems are your grammar and your paragraphing.



This is too many words in a paragraph.

You could separate it into (together with correction):


First problem: Paragraphing. That's way too many things happening in one paragraph.

Second problem: Punctuation. Full stops where full stops are due. Dialogues with question marks should be enquiry dialogues, not statement dialogues. "I didn't expect you to bring home guests" is a statement, as if you have set a rule, but she broke it. If you want to sound bewildered, you would say, "I wasn't informed there would be guests, Luna?" as if you are accusing her of not giving you information.

Third problem: Capitalization and sentence structure.

Fourth problem: That's a very long time spent on cleaning duty. Ai-chan went to school in Japan. If we spent over 3 hours cleaning the classroom at the end of the day, you'd have to wonder what the other students on the days prior were doing. All we'd do at the end of the class were wiping clean the blackboard, dusting the duster, dusting the top of the cupboards, sweeping the floor and arranging the tables in order. Doesn't take more than half an hour even if you're doing it alone. Also, we usually have cram school every evening, between 4/5pm to 9/10pm, so if you spend too long cleaning the classroom, the teachers will come and berate you for taking too long before telling you to go home. Pretty much the only students at school after 4pm would be those with club activities.

Ai chan thanks for the feedback and I really appreciate it.