Need help for writing this and critiques.

[Lumberbot]

So I have a bunch of paragraphs here, and I'm struggling trying to find ways to make the structure pop out, I'm not really that adepts at English, as I mainly relies solely on instinct alone and auto correct using the markor app as my writing app, there's a lot of grammatical mistakes there I probably wouldn't known. any helps, helps even how little it is, I thank you for advance. also I don't know how to use those options things.

The vast expanse and stories told within are an ephemeral moment, however amidst such thoughts people of sagacious mind could ebulliently discern opulent wisdom and the pernicious ragged path, permitting within each crevices we called life.


The tattered gargantuan structure indefinitely spreads outward into the heaven above enshrouded in a cloud ocean, which waves ripples brushing against the structure, built in a rough rectangular chiselled boulders an unnatural splendour amidst unmoving mountains and the howling gentle cold breeze ambience, weaving through everything. Prominent strains, cracks, missing parts and the weathered stones beneath melted into cushions-like forms, unable to withstand such burden, littered amongst the structure surface. There, before the edifice architecture, stood a robed individual hunched in heavy clothing, at the uneven path littered with smooth pebbles and a ragged gravels, seemingly an overgrown lumps foldings, adorned in opulent golden scriptures enveloping barely discernible fabrics woven into mellow strains. The figure sluggishly lifted a finger frontward onto the decrepit wall, sleeve hung loosely.


The figure's hoarse voice escaped through the enshrouded hood, barely audible fluctuating in an unpredictable pattern, latched upon the atmosphere creeping ever so tardily, each word reverberated upon the structure wall in response, it rumbles, sending ash and brittle rocks pelting deep onto the ground below.

 

[LilRora]

First of all, you might want to tone down on the fancy words. They're not bad by themselves, but you've got way more than typical and it's going to deter many readers. Unless you're specifically going for such flowery prose, then that would be completely another matter.

Second thing, shorter sentences. Again, if you're not specifically going for that prose, you should probably shorten them significantly or they'll be hard to read smoothly.

Third, your tenses are inconsistent. It's generally much better if you stick to past or present. Dialogues are a different matter, of course, but switching tenses in narration can be extremely confusing, even on the off chance it ends up gramatically correct.

There's also quite a few of smaller grammatical and spelling mistakes, though it's difficult to tell how to fix them since I don't know what you wanted to write. I would recommend going through the whole thing slowly, thinking about each word and if it fits into the sentence as well as the whole paragraph, since from my experience the easiest way to learn is correcting your own mistakes. It also helps to have some external feedback and double check some things, be it a person or something else like a dictionary, or Grammarly, or other similar app.

 

[Lumberbot]

First of all, you might want to tone down on the fancy words. They're not bad by themselves, but you've got way more than typical and it's going to deter many readers. Unless you're specifically going for such flowery prose, then that would be completely another matter.

Second thing, shorter sentences. Again, if you're not specifically going for that prose, you should probably shorten them significantly or they'll be hard to read smoothly.

Third, your tenses are inconsistent. It's generally much better if you stick to past or present. Dialogues are a different matter, of course, but switching tenses in narration can be extremely confusing, even on the off chance it ends up gramatically correct.

There's also quite a few of smaller grammatical and spelling mistakes, though it's difficult to tell how to fix them since I don't know what you wanted to write. I would recommend going through the whole thing slowly, thinking about each word and if it fits into the sentence as well as the whole paragraph, since from my experience the easiest way to learn is correcting your own mistakes. It also helps to have some external feedback and double check some things, be it a person or something else like a dictionary, or Grammarly, or other similar app.

well, thanks imma do it right now, I forgotten how to reply so yeah(nvm found it and deleted my past comment), anyway shorter sentences is usually the thing a struggle the most, so it is quite hard for me to write in a short manner so I often opted into writing it long, the few spelling mistake probably came from me messing with the keyboard unintentionally messing it's functions. the grammatical errors well that is my impudence and I'm currently working on it, and may I asked which is which? regarding fancy words each came from a list of dictionaries I made myself, I'm planning on using all of those, though unfortunate I didn't take the reader's to a count because I usually assumed readers to be adept at English than I. anyway I lack sleep imma sleep.

 

[melchi]

A good rule of thumb for commas is to limit it to three. They pop the most if they are the same number of words and close to the start of the sentence.
Ex
Faith, hope and love was the mantra she held to.

Weaker ex.
She held to the mantra of faith, hope and love.

 

[2wordsperminute]

I usually assumed readers to be adept at English than I.

It's not necessarily that people won't understand the words, more like it just sounds unnatural. Most people aren't used to reading that many larger words so close together.

 

[GabrielTenma]

My brain is so conflused! Tone down all the fancy words. I don't mind searching one or two up if it's in the right place but I'd need to take a good minute to get the meaning of all your words.

Make the image you're trying to convey simpler unless you want a certain moment to pop and stand out, like I said above with the one or two in the right place ^^

Lastly, I wanted to say that. I usually assume my readers are about a bit below me in English proficiency level. If you have to reread to even understand your own thing then making it simpler might be for the best.

That's all from Scribblehub's resident trash author. cya~

 

[NoLifeNeet]

I totally agreed with LilRora

Additionally, keeping a fancy/big word or for important part would leave more impact. If everything special, nothing is special.

Aside from preference, this is modern day problem where media consumers have short attention span.

and may I asked which is which?

Just the first paragraph, there are

ephemeral, sagacious, ebulliently, opulent, pernicious, crevices.

 

[Succubiome]

So, your writing is very weird and a bit difficult, but I sort of like it? Feels a bit like older pulpy fantasy stuff.

But you have your own voice there, and I wouldn't cut it down so much that you lose that, if that's how you want to write, you know? You can certainly develop other voices, if you like, but I actually really like this one.

I agree with the keeping past or present tense consistently-- I'd suggest past tense for you, based purely on this passage, because the writing feels like it is about ancient things, so I think that resonates better. It's mostly in past tense anyways.

However: this is extremely dense writing, and I think you could add a lot more white space and make it read better without losing much of anything

So I tried doing so!

All I did below was adjust tenses to past a couple times, add and remove a few commas, and add paragraphs, and I got this, which I feel is significantly easier to read without changing word choice:

The vast expanse and stories told within were an ephemeral moment. However, amidst such thoughts, people of sagacious mind could ebulliently discern opulent wisdom and the pernicious ragged path, permitting within each crevices we called life.

The tattered gargantuan structure indefinitely spreads outward into the heaven above, enshrouded in a cloud ocean, which waves ripple brushing against the structure, built in rough rectangular chiselled boulders, an unnatural splendour amidst unmoving mountains.

The howling gentle cold breeze ambience, weaving through everything.

Prominent strains, cracks, missing parts and the weathered stones beneath melted into cushion-like forms, unable to withstand such burden, littered amongst the structure's surface.

There, before the edifice architecture, at the uneven path littered with smooth pebbles and a ragged gravels, stood a robed individual hunched in heavy clothing, seemingly an overgrown lumps foldings, adorned in opulent golden scriptures, enveloping barely discernible fabrics woven into mellow strains.

The figure sluggishly lifted a finger frontward onto the decrepit wall, sleeve hung loosely.

There's a few other things I can absolutely see altering here to make it more clear and evocative without losing the core of it, but I wanted to do a minimal edit just to show people that yes, there is value buried here.

For other bundles of words here, I think it'd be hard to untangle the intended meaning without discussing it with you. I imagine this is probably going to come up again in your writing, because English has a strange and esoteric structure that can be wildly unintuitive, and you're layering archaic prose on top of that.

Thus, if you can afford it, I would very much recommend hiring an editor.

But if you can't, I'd recommend you embrace a core tenet of trying to break each separate thing you're describing out as much as possible-- when your writing is this labyrinthine and filled with overgrowth, I think you should give it empty pillars to twine around.

That way, it will make it easier for people to see the patterns that you're forming, without getting too lost in the tangles of the beautiful vines of your words.

 

[K5Rakitan]

I'm struggling trying to find ways to make the structure pop out

ripples brushing against the structure

Just change the r to n

 

[Lumberbot]

I rewrote it, is this good enough, is isn't really that well made, with regards to awkwardly structure and abrupt changes and grammatical mistakes.

The vast expanse and stories told within are an ephemeral moment, however amidst such thoughts people of sagacious mind could ebulliently discern opulent wisdom and the pernicious ragged path, permitting within each crevices we called life.

The tattered, gargantuan structure indefinitely spreads outward into the heaven above enshrouded in the cloud ocean contorted into waves that rippled and brushed against it, built in a rough and varied rectangular boulders surface chiseled with deep intricate lines woven into jagged scales, stock crudely on top of each other, an unnatural splendour amidst unmoving mountainous expanse, being blown upon by the moisty gentle winds weaving through every encompassed crevices.

Prominent strains, cracks, missing parts and the weathered stones beneath melted into cushions-like forms, unable to withstood such burdened, littered amongst the structure surface. There, before the edifice architecture, at the uneven path littered with smooth pebbles and ragged stones, stood a robed individual hunched in heavy clothing, seemingly an overgrown lump foldings, adorned in opulent golden scriptures enveloping the fabric, woven into mellow strains, barely discernible too detailed and cluttered for the mind to appreciate.

The figure sluggishly lifted a finger froward onto the decrepit wall, which seemed oddly protruded outward, forming a peculiar portcullis silhouette. its leeve hung loose.

The figure's hoarse voices barely audibled escaped through the enshrouded hood, each echoed and fluctuated in an unpredictable patterns though somewhat unified, latched upon the atmosphere creeping ever so tardily, each word reverberated upon the structure wall in response, it rumbles, sending ash and brittle rocks pelting deep onto the ground below.

 

[Succubiome]

I rewrote it, is this good enough, is isn't really that well made, with regards to awkwardly structure and abrupt changes and grammatical mistakes.

Awesome!

I don't know Markor, but I do wonder if it might be worth using a different spellchecker in addition or in place of it, because the forum spellchecker is picking up several things... but still, this is way better overall.