Plz tell me if the prologue will make u want to read this webnovel or not.

[Shamiko]

Haunted.

You run through a dark aisle and trip. You try to get into a sitting position, but to your horror, you see shadows. Those shadows are the men' that were following you. You try to stand up and run but stumble. They see what you're trying to do and lunge at you and pin you down. They rip off your clothes, leaving you naked. You know what's going to happen. While one of them defiles you the rest hold you still. You try to kick them away, but they're too strong. Tears spill out. You know you can’t make it stop. Each man takes a turn.

Crash!

Windows shatter. Shards of glass stabs your skin, blood oozes out. You let out a loud wail. You hear screams outside, so loud it hurts. The car flips and flips, giving you more and more bruises. You look at your family, they look either worse or the same as you, and cross your fingers, hoping and praying that nobody would die. More and more cars crash into each other. You start smelling smoke, that's eerily close. You take a quick peek behind you dreading what you would find, there's a fire only a few feet away, surrounding a family of cats. Your cats. A pang of sadness and worry stabs your heart, knowing what was possibly going to happen to them. You choke down the tears that are trying to leak out. You're hopelessly useless.

You find yourself reliving the moment when a very loved relative of yours dies. Your heart aches for more precious moments with that person that you will never see again, or hear, or speak to. You see your family grieve, and you do the same with them. Everyone is huddled together hugging each other, looking sad and depressed, some are sobbing, while others, particularly the men, are trying to look all tough and normal, but deep down they feel as sad as everyone else. They want to shed some tears, too. Holding back those tears hurts so much! Eventually, everyone moves on, but you can’t. It’s as if this feeling is following you around, haunting you.
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Also, if u find any grammar errors plz tell me ;)

 

[georgelee5786]

I would not be interested in continuing the wehnovel, no.

 

[Shamiko]

I would not be interested in continuing the wehnovel, no.

Ok, I understand. Do u have any ideas on what might make it more interesting?

 

[georgelee5786]

Ok, I understand. Do u have any ideas on what might make it more interesting?

Some backstory. What is going on is unclear. You don't need to entirely explain what is going on, but it would help to sneak in small explanations that let the reader get the gist of what is happening. But I'm not the best author in history, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt and try to get a second opinion.

 

[Shamiko]

Some backstory. What is going on is unclear. You don't need to entirely explain what is going on, but it would help to sneak in small explanations that let the reader get the gist of what is happening. But I'm not the best author in history, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt and try to get a second opinion.

Ok then! My goal was to explain what being haunted was all about to begin with, and I'm going to write lots background info in the first few chapters. So, do u think I explained that alright, or was it really bad?

 

[georgelee5786]

Ok then! My goal was to explain what being haunted was all about to begin with, and I'm going to write lots background info in the first few chapters. So, do u think I explained that alright, or was it really bad?

It is a great improvement, yes. I have a vague idea of what has happened. Except for the first paragraph. So... does the MC get raped and then flashback to when a loved one died or...?
When you are writing those next chapters, be careful with how you distribute the information. Explain too much in one place, and it'll just be an info dump, which turns some readers away.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Ah, another story focused on suffering. You and your friend like writing these kinds of stories?

I'm no expert. Make your story meaningful. This seems like it could be a story about overcoming past traumas. How the character grows stronger, overcoming them, perhaps with help.

As for the prologue, I get the gist i think. But what will be happening because of these traumas?

 

[Shamiko]

It is a great improvement, yes. I have a vague idea of what has happened. Except for the first paragraph. So... does the MC get raped and then flashback to when a loved one died or...?
When you are writing those next chapters, be careful with how you distribute the information. Explain too much in one place, and it'll just be an info dump, which turns some readers away.

No, not quite... Those r just some examples of things that other characters went through... The MC... I can't say too much unless u want spoilers...
And ty for the warning!

Ah, another story focused on suffering. You and your friend like writing these kinds of stories?

I'm no expert. Make your story meaningful. This seems like it could be a story about overcoming past traumas. How the character grows stronger, overcoming them, perhaps with help.

As for the synopsis, I get the gist i think. But what will be happening because of these traumas?

These traumas lead most people to go mad, or just really scared for a long time.
And yes! The story is really about overcoming these traumas and trying to eliminate the cause (these things called shadows can enter people's minds and make them suffer their biggest fears).

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

No, not quite... Those r just some examples of things that other characters went through... The MC... I can't say too much unless u want spoilers...
And ty for the warning!

These traumas lead most people to go mad, or just really scared for a long time.
And yes! The story is really about overcoming these traumas and trying to eliminate the cause (these things called shadows can enter people's minds and make them suffer their biggest fears).

Maybe add something about the shadows to be vanquished. To give readers an idea what the direction of the story is.

 

[Shamiko]

Maybe add something about the shadows to be vanquished. To give readers an idea what the direction of the story is.

Ok ty!

 

[Brandondee]

I probably wouldn’t keep reading. It’s clear that you want to establish a depressing atmosphere but this might be overkill for someone’s first introduction to the story

 

[Ai-chan]

WARNING! THE FIRST PARAGRAPH CONTAINS S3XUAL CONTENT! READ IT ONLY IF UR ALLOWED TO!


Haunted.

You run through a dark aisle and trip. You try to get into a sitting position, but to your horror, you see shadows. Those shadows are the men' that were following you. You try to stand up and run but stumble. They see what you're trying to do and lunge at you and pin you down. They rip off your clothes, leaving you naked. You know what's going to happen. While one of them defiles you the rest hold you still. You try to kick them away, but they're too strong. Tears spill out. You know you can’t make it stop. Each man takes a turn.

Crash!

Windows shatter. Shards of glass stabs your skin, blood oozes out. You let out a loud wail. You hear screams outside, so loud it hurts. The car flips and flips, giving you more and more bruises. You look at your family, they look either worse or the same as you, and cross your fingers, hoping and praying that nobody would die. More and more cars crash into each other. You start smelling smoke, that's eerily close. You take a quick peek behind you dreading what you would find, there's a fire only a few feet away, surrounding a family of cats. Your cats. A pang of sadness and worry stabs your heart, knowing what was possibly going to happen to them. You choke down the tears that are trying to leak out. You're hopelessly useless.

You find yourself reliving the moment when a very loved relative of yours dies. Your heart aches for more precious moments with that person that you will never see again, or hear, or speak to. You see your family grieve, and you do the same with them. Everyone is huddled together hugging each other, looking sad and depressed, some are sobbing, while others, particularly the men, are trying to look all tough and normal, but deep down they feel as sad as everyone else. They want to shed some tears, too. Holding back those tears hurts so much! Eventually, everyone moves on, but you can’t. It’s as if this feeling is following you around, haunting you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also, if u find any grammar errors plz tell me ;)

Ai-chan shall be honest. If you are afraid of being roasted, stop here.

Ready?
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, let's go.

There are several problems with this prologue:

1. Your sentences are too basic. The words do not connect well with each other. The sentences feel like single sentences with no real thought on how it should string together.

2. You have two different scenes. Don't do that. Not in the prologue.

3. Your prologue is too short. It's not particularly wrong, there are traditionally published authors who make short prologues as well. However, this prologue is too short for readers to get any bearings or information.

4. Prologues should be exciting. This prologue is not. Prologues are what you use to pull in readers when you don't expect them to last long enough to reach your exciting parts. The general rule for traditionally published novels are "Make your first 10 pages interesting".

5. Your last sentence, "They want to shed some tears, too. Holding back those tears hurts so much! Eventually, everyone moves on, but you can’t. It’s as if this feeling is following you around, haunting you." is hanging. Your readers are left wondering "Is that it?", "Did I miss a paragraph?"

6. The prologue sets the tone of the novel. Readers do not really know what tone you're going for other than tragedy. There should be some information about your story.

7. Your prologue is too short. Oh, Ai-chan already said that? It needs to be said again. Try aiming for at least 800 words for your prologue, which is the length of a middle school essay.

8. There is no need to censor yourself. You won't be banned for typing sex or rape here.



Would Ai-chan continue to read the rest of the novel? Only if Ai-chan is being nice. Based off the prologue alone, Ai-chan would say no.

 

[SilvoidVorstellung]

2nd person, that's an interesting choice, are you writing a CYOA story?

When I read it, I was kind of confuse where the protagonist was at, first she was like outside, next thing you know, she was inside a car. At least write "They drag you inside a car." so I know what was happening.

Also, I kind of want more information on why she was chase, how she got in those situation, and who she was.

The rape scene was too abrupt/the pace was too fast that it didn't feel traumatic. Be more descriptive with it so I could feel the trauma/disgust. (I sound like a person with rape fetish asking for better rape scene. No, I don't have a rape fetish.)

 

[Motsu]

Weird thread.

 

[TheEldritchGod]

1. The First Sentence Is Live Or DIE. Your first sentence must make me want to read the first paragraph.
2. The First paragraph must put a question in my head. A Question that I can only answer reading your book.
3. Your first Chapter/Prologue needs to set the tone of the story, tell me what to expect, set the basic ground rules, tell me what I need to swallow in order to accept what is going on it logical, and also be interesting.

1. "Haunted"

Seriously? BORED NOW.


2. "You run through a dark aisle and trip. You try to get into a sitting position, but to your horror, you see shadows. Those shadows are the men' that were following you. You try to stand up and run but stumble. They see what you're trying to do and lunge at you and pin you down. They rip off your clothes, leaving you naked. You know what's going to happen. While one of them defiles you the rest hold you still. You try to kick them away, but they're too strong. Tears spill out. You know you can’t make it stop. Each man takes a turn."

What Is the question that you give me? I see no riddle, no conundrum, no enigma, no grand design unfulfilled. You tell me what I think and what I experience, but also how I react. You do not know me. You have no idea how I would feel, yet you try to tell me. You insult me.

I am not the one who is horrified by shadows. I am the one who lurks in the shadows. I am the one YOU are afraid of finding in the dark, not the other way around. Not that I would do any of this to someone else. There is no point. Your pain and suffering does not sustain me. I have better things to do with my time as I lurk here in the space between.

Perhaps if I witnessed this, I would consider if you wanted it. It is hard to determine what people enjoy these days. However, if you were calling out for help, then I suppose I would intervene. It is so rare you have the opportunity to so one sidedly savage someone who clearly deserves it. Creatures like this, invading my darkness, and seeking prey in MY TERRITORY? No no no... this will not do. These things may think they know the darkness, but they don't. They are mere visitors. They do not live here. No... clearly I would be forced to make an example out of them so that in the future others will know not to intrude upon spaces owned by their betters. Frankly, they should feel honored that I wish to sip of their blood and sup of their flesh.

And I would give them oh-so many chances to feel honored.

3. In total, It sounds like someone trapped in Hell. How boring. How droll. I have been in Hell, and inflicted Hell upon others and I will let you know, it is dull. That is the true nature of suffering and torment. The unbridled banality of it all. How it becomes, with time, common. With time, you can get used to anything. With time, everything becomes the same. Diamonds stop sparkling, gold loses its luster.

In the end, there is only time.

There is only time.


You fail on all three levels of the opening. I understand the desire to shock the reader, but honestly, it isn't in the least. Look up "The Aristocrats" The Joke, specifically, not the movie. Learn how to tell the joke and get someone to laugh. Until you can do that, don't bother with this writing style. You do not have the ability. You might be able to learn it, but I don't think you actually wish to do what one needs to for the process of learning this style of writing.

To write about the abyss, you must stare into the abyss, but be warned...

I am also staring into you.


Sincerely,
Un'Thoth Neverborn The-Abyss-That-Slumbers

 

[Jemini]

So, 1 big point. Writing in the 2nd person perspective (referring to the MC as "you" in the narrative) is often a bad idea. It should only be done in choose-your-own-adventure style writing in which the reader actually does have some agency over the MC's actions. In a story, you want to use either 1st person (using I or me in the narrative) or 3rd person (using he/she or the MC's name in the narrative).

1. The First Sentence Is Live Or DIE. Your first sentence must make me want to read the first paragraph.
2. The First paragraph must put a question in my head. A Question that I can only answer reading your book.
3. Your first Chapter/Prologue needs to set the tone of the story, tell me what to expect, set the basic ground rules, tell me what I need to swallow in order to accept what is going on it logical, and also be interesting.

Yes, absolutely. This.

@Shamiko , I would suggest reading some good works other people have done to see how people handle stuff like this. In the case of a prologue, an actual chapter in the story, you also have another trick you can make use of. In my own 1st chapter, I used a rather evocative title, "Selling my Soul," to act as a hook in and of itself. This gave me a little more leeway when I wrote my all important 1st sentence and 1st paragraph. Even then, I wrote it in such a way as to draw the reader in.

I beat back the airbag from my face and brushed off the shards of glass from my arms. There was the sound of a car horn stuck in an “on” state, it’s usually sharp and attention-getting sound becoming a highly irritating and disorienting white-noise in the background as my foggy brain struggled to take in the scene of twisted metal and broken glass all around. I normally considered myself a rather cautious driver, but there is very little you can do when, on the open freeway, during rush hour, someone side-swipes another car leading into a chain reaction of cars hitting other cars and creating an unholy pile-up.

Most of this 1st paragraph is scene setting. However, the fact the 1st sentence is written from the perspective of someone who just got into this car wreck fighting with an air-bag, it simultaneously creates and answers a large number of questions.

1st, they know it's a car crash. The mere clue of the airbag and the shards of glass tell the reader all of that. However, it does create the question of how the crash happened which is answered as the paragraph draws to an end, but the even greater question is just how much damage was done.

The series is labeled as Isekai, so, the fact that the MC has already survived the car crash that normally sends people to the other side is going to raise a few eyebrows. Then, there's the chapter title, "selling my soul," which tells you something's going to happen as a result of all this.

There are all kinds of questions raised in this opening. That's the key. Creating questions. Readers will read your story because they want the answers to the questions you keep creating. This means you want to create the question as soon as possible. In my case, I created the question straight from the chapter title when I named it "selling my soul."

Yours doesn't create any questions. It tries to create evocative imagery, but that imagery is worthless if you don't have your reader hooked and looking for answers from the very 1st sentence. You really need to create some questions in the reader's mind.

 

[Elveos]

I wouldn't really read this if made to a story, It's far too short (In general you should aim for at least 800 words to qualify it as a chapter)

I'm not one to take advice from as I mostly do these as a hobby, but this is far too obscured, normally for a prologue It is used to set down and let it tell us about the setting, the characters, and overall motivation on why the protagonist does, that makes it a story and therefore readable. This does none of that, there is also the fact that it has two different scenes that have no relations nor transitions whatsoever that make sense to connect one another. The pacing is also unclear, it felt too fast and didn't expand on anything you wrote, it was just singular sentences that were written separately were combined together into one.

I have nothing against 2nd Person perspective as it is often seen in CYOA, but for a narrative story it doesn't fit, and is overall disorienting, you should also try expanding your vocabulary as almost all of your sentences start with you (You can switch it up with describing what the MC is doing, or describing the surroundings or what not), and lastly how you started and ended was setting me off.

Typically the start of a prologue gives us a question, a dilemma, and the rest of the prologue tries to expand on that problem with the story giving us the explanation and answer, Haunted. does neither of that. As for the ending, it works as a hook, a cliffhanger to make us want to read more, while it serves as a cliffhanger it feels as if we missed a paragraph with how abrupt it was. A ending is normally built upon, and normally ends with further questions for us readers to find out.

I am new to writing myself, but overall I feel that you need to try reading more stories to compare your work with others. Make a baseline to follow, a set of rules so you can improve more.

 

[P00H]

WARNING! THE FIRST PARAGRAPH CONTAINS S3XUAL CONTENT! READ IT ONLY IF UR ALLOWED TO!


Haunted.

You run through a dark aisle and trip. You try to get into a sitting position, but to your horror, you see shadows. Those shadows are the men' that were following you. You try to stand up and run but stumble. They see what you're trying to do and lunge at you and pin you down. They rip off your clothes, leaving you naked. You know what's going to happen. While one of them defiles you the rest hold you still. You try to kick them away, but they're too strong. Tears spill out. You know you can’t make it stop. Each man takes a turn.

Crash!

Windows shatter. Shards of glass stabs your skin, blood oozes out. You let out a loud wail. You hear screams outside, so loud it hurts. The car flips and flips, giving you more and more bruises. You look at your family, they look either worse or the same as you, and cross your fingers, hoping and praying that nobody would die. More and more cars crash into each other. You start smelling smoke, that's eerily close. You take a quick peek behind you dreading what you would find, there's a fire only a few feet away, surrounding a family of cats. Your cats. A pang of sadness and worry stabs your heart, knowing what was possibly going to happen to them. You choke down the tears that are trying to leak out. You're hopelessly useless.

You find yourself reliving the moment when a very loved relative of yours dies. Your heart aches for more precious moments with that person that you will never see again, or hear, or speak to. You see your family grieve, and you do the same with them. Everyone is huddled together hugging each other, looking sad and depressed, some are sobbing, while others, particularly the men, are trying to look all tough and normal, but deep down they feel as sad as everyone else. They want to shed some tears, too. Holding back those tears hurts so much! Eventually, everyone moves on, but you can’t. It’s as if this feeling is following you around, haunting you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also, if u find any grammar errors plz tell me ;)

Second Point Of View stories are almost always a bad idea.

 

[WinterTimeCrime]

First sentences are everything in novels, typically, and you lost me with "Haunted." Some woman is getting molested, so I'd think of words more like Frightened, Scared, and Petrified. Even still, one-liners don't do it, especially if you're trying to invoke a feeling.

As someone who's a fan of psychological horror and thrillers, I can see you're trying to impose a sense of dread through sounds and sensory details. But because of the stilted sentence flow and evanescent feelings portrayed in the work, it doesn't invoke anything. I'd suggest focusing on feelings that make you squeamish, you'd be a lot more descriptive with something you've felt yourself rather than write about something you haven't been through at all.