Hello. I know this isn't a SH story (yet), but I've been looking for people to give me feedback on my draft for an isekai litRPG. Please let me know what you think, and I probably should apologize in advance if the formatting looks weird. I was gonna post this as a pdf.
Synopsis “You can’t earn your happy ending in a house that always wins.” Hajime was never hit by a truck, let alone died and transported to the game-like world of Cretis. Insane as it sounds, his kind can be considered aliens, magicless beings who look human until someone gets a taste of their...
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Okay first things first I think the synopsis is a bit too much focused on the traits of the main character. It still talks about the plot a bit but more plot description would be preferable. If you want to look at some really good synopsises (synopsi? Synopsizes?) I recommend looking at my anime list, anything in their top 100 should have a pretty good synopsis (make sure it says mal rewrite on the bottom). I hate being a degen weeb, but the synopsizes on IMDB are garbage, alternatively if you own a YA dystopian novel those usually have some pretty decent synoptics. Alternatively alternatively you could read some of the synopsisi that I’ve written, becomes I’m the greatest.
So the start of the story is generally pretty good about explaining things. The exception being the prologue, it introduces a lot of proper nouns, but doesn’t give them much description or definition. I didn’t read far enough to see if these characters and groups/objects pop up again the story, but even if they do I think giving them a good description in the prologue will help a lot.
Lastly, I think the story would benefit a lot if you added in a giant robot. Like a big gundam that shoots lasers out of its eyes, and has a big missile launcher. Like some armored core shit. Obviously you can’t add a giant robot without another giant robot for it to fight, so it’d be best to add a couple of them, half a dozen at least. I think in the prologue, you could make it so all the gods are giant robots. Like they’re robot gods, or that’s just what they appear to mortals as. Maybe they can even transform like Optimus prime or something.
Anyway I hope you post on SH soon. It seems like you already have quite a bit written.
Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...
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Give it to me straight doc
Okay so the first I noticed reading was that the paragraphs in the story are very short. I think you have a lot of paragraphs that are similar enough to be combined into one. To me smaller paragraphs are preferable to a giant wall of text, but I still think it will flow nicer if you combine some.
The story goes by pretty fast, and doesn’t waste any time, which some readers might enjoy, but not really my thing. In the first chapter you have a pretty cool setting, a desolate, repugnant swamp, with a bunch of dead bodies. It’s a cool setting but I think it could use some more description, when I was reading I really wanted to get more of a picture of what the place looked like.
Last and most importantly the story is lacking something really important. The story could really use a cute comedic relief character. Someone to make sarcastic quips at the expense of the main character. I think maybe if you took one of the crows from the first chapter, and maybe made them like a magic talking animal that joins the mc on his journey, I think that’d work pretty well. It’s important that’s it’s something you can make into a marketable plushy.
