Unreliable Feedback v2

[Boundless]

Try mine as well!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474537/the-powershifting-ability-is-convenient-even-in-another-world/

 

[greyblob]

Blob Sensei, I shall volunteer as a tribute to your research!
The Shadows Within
The Gate of Shadows

The Shadows Within
read up to: Chapter 5: Shadows…
2.5/5

Clunky

I like the premise. I also like the ideas for the scenes. However, I do not like the execution.

I have a few issues with this novel. The main one is the writing but I don't know how to exactly describe it. The writing feels... disjointed. It doesn't flow right to me. It's not smooth. I go from paragraph to paragraph sort of awkwardly. Not sure if that makes any sense...

Another issue is the characters. They behave irraticaly They are sometimes serious sometimes comical. MC is rational in the summoning scene and decides to save her sister. In the next scene she jumps through a window.

The encounter with the demon lord was especially bothersome. MC switches between an edgy 13yo with a "haha fuck you" attitude and a depressed victim. The demon lord and his people behave like comical "why you..." villains.

Also, there are some pov switches that confused me. The one I remember is the 'miasma'. MC jumps from the window and sees the miasma below. It is narrated as miasma. I assumed she knew what it was (even though she said she doesn't play videogames and is unfamiliar with basic fantasy settings). I thought maybe there's a plot twist here somewhere. A few paragraphs later she is surprised about the purple fog and learns its called miasma. This switching from third-person limited to third-person objective happened a few times. It's confusing.

Lasty, I really really really do not like flashbacks mid-scene.

Spoiler: also

I'm deducting 0.5 for this

On the side of the goblin was another hideous thing.

It looked like a transparent blob.

Is that a slime?! What the heck?!

I'll get through a few requests before doing the second one (if you still want).

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

The Shadows Within
read up to: Chapter 5: Shadows…
2.5/5

Clunky

I like the premise. I also like the ideas for the scenes. However, I do not like the execution.

I have a few issues with this novel. The main one is the writing but I don't know how to exactly describe it. The writing feels... disjointed. It doesn't flow right to me. It's not smooth. I go from paragraph to paragraph sort of awkwardly. Not sure if that makes any sense...

Another issue is the characters. They behave irraticaly They are sometimes serious sometimes comical. MC is rational in the summoning scene and decides to save her sister. In the next scene she jumps through a window.

The encounter with the demon lord was especially bothersome. MC switches between an edgy 13yo with a "haha fuck you" attitude and a depressed victim. The demon lord and his people behave like comical "why you..." villains.

Also, there are some pov switches that confused me. The one I remember is the 'miasma'. MC jumps from the window and sees the miasma below. It is narrated as miasma. I assumed she knew what it was (even though she said she doesn't play videogames and is unfamiliar with basic fantasy settings). I thought maybe there's a plot twist here somewhere. A few paragraphs later she is surprised about the purple fog and learns its called miasma. This switching from third-person limited to third-person objective happened a few times. It's confusing.

Lasty, I really really really do not like flashbacks mid-scene.

Spoiler: also

I'm deducting 0.5 for this

I'll get through a few requests before doing the second one (if you still want).

I don't mind! Thank you for the feedback!

 

[Rookieqw]

Thank you for your kind offer! This should be a short one for you: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1050298/

I failed to create an interesting story, and I would like your opinion as to what exactly sucked, if this is not too much to ask. Don't hold back your words or punches; be as honest as you'd like. I seek to improve and write something that is not bad, so honest feedback can help greatly.

 

[greyblob]

It's still nothing at this point since I'm still building it up, but I will appreciate any feedback.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1118484/a-ducks-message/

read up to: Chapter 6: A Duckling and a White-Haired Girl

first I'd like to ask, what are looking for feedback about? this is not a novel in the conventional sense.

 

[Y2N1]

read up to: Chapter 6: A Duckling and a White-Haired Girl

first I'd like to ask, what are looking for feedback about? this is not a novel in the conventional sense.

Since I'm not quite sure what do you mean by the conventional sense, anything could be fine, a feedback about the story, or the characters. If you can also tell me about what makes in unconventional, anything you can think of, it would be helpful.

 

[Verdant]

Seeing as I can't edit my old post, I had to make a new one. I'm looking to read more stuff both for entertainment and a bit of research.

I will review your work from the eyes of an ordinary reader. I'll read until I lose interest.


Requirements:

1. 5k+ words

Restrictions:
These only apply if they are the main focus of the story. In case you do not care and still want a review, keep in mind that I do not particularly enjoy these types of works, so there might be some bias.

1. Gender bender and all its subgenres (unless it's a genderless monster)
2. Girls-love
3. Boys-love

See, I would put my work here—BUT I sort of changed the genre (or setting) and therefore; I’ll have to change some chapters. Those chapters sucked anyway…

 

[greyblob]

Since I'm not quite sure what do you mean by the conventional sense, anything could be fine, a feedback about the story, or the characters. If you can also tell me about what makes in unconventional, anything you can think of, it would be helpful.

For the sake of fairness, I'll rate this how I'd rate any other.

1.5/5

I read up to ch6 because I was curious where this was heading to. The mystery was done well (up until things were explained by the friend). Kinda wished the reveal would have been shown not told.

Every other aspect of the novel was immature, for the lack of a better word. I do not mean it is childish just undeveloped. I was reading a summary not a novel. 'A went to the caferia to eat.' 'He took the bus, went home, brushed his teeth, and went to bed.'.

The characters are bland and one-dimensional. There is not one detail about any character that I can recall. Only that the duck is yellow and the girl has white hair (I read it in the chapter title).

The writing itself is awkward. Things don't flow right. Same for dialogue. Very stiff.

also redundancies such as this were quite annoying.

How could she have laid an egg in just one week?

Shac noticed how odd it was for a duck to lay an egg in just a week, although he was not knowledgeable about ducks, he knew they don’t lay eggs in just a matter of a week.

You're repeating the same thing twice but only with more words.

 

[Y2N1]

For the sake of fairness, I'll rate this how I'd rate any other.

1.5/5

I read up to ch6 because I was curious where this was heading to. The mystery was done well (up until things were explained by the friend). Kinda wished the reveal would have been shown not told.

Every other aspect of the novel was immature, for the lack of a better word. I do not mean it is childish just undeveloped. I was reading a summary not a novel. 'A went to the caferia to eat.' 'He took the bus, went home, brushed his teeth, and went to bed.'.

The characters are bland and one-dimensional. There is not one detail about any character that I can recall. Only that the duck is yellow and the girl has white hair (I read it in the chapter title).

The writing itself is awkward. Things don't flow right. Same for dialogue. Very stiff.

also redundancies such as this were quite annoying.

You're repeating the same thing twice but only with more words.

Thanks blob, appreciate this one. I do expect this since I actually avoid writing in 3rd person view and would rather write on 1st person because I lack the skill to "visualize" or "explain" things. I find it hard as of now, but the story of the duckling should live even it was done poorly.

"Show don't tell." I'll take note of this one.

Still glad you enjoyed a bit of the mystery. You're right about thinking it's like a summary lol, but still a cool feedback, thanks blob.

 

[greyblob]

Thanks blob, appreciate this one. I do expect this since I actually avoid writing in 3rd person view and would rather write on 1st person because I lack the skill to "visualize" or "explain" things. I find it hard as of now, but the story of the duckling should live even it was done poorly.

"Show don't tell." I'll take note of this one.

Still glad you enjoyed a bit of the mystery. You're right about thinking it's like a summary lol, but still a cool feedback, thanks blob.

you're welcome. I'm not telling you to stop writing your novel, the opposite actually.

if you want to build the skill to visualize, i suggest you read more, preferably paperback novels or popular english web novels. I'd also recommend reading this [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue

 

[Y2N1]

you're welcome. I'm not telling you to stop writing your novel, the opposite actually.

if you want to build the skill to visualize, i suggest you read more, preferably paperback novels or popular english web novels. I'd also recommend reading this [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue

Yeah, I actually want to write more because of your feedback, it would be hard to change a bit now but I'll try improving the next chapters slowly, beside I'm really invested in the story that I myself have written hahaha.

Thanks blob, I'll take a look at those tutorials.

 

[LesserCodex]

Seeing as I can't edit my old post, I had to make a new one. I'm looking to read more stuff both for entertainment and a bit of research.

I will review your work from the eyes of an ordinary reader. I'll read until I lose interest.


Requirements:

1. 5k+ words

Restrictions:
These only apply if they are the main focus of the story. In case you do not care and still want a review, keep in mind that I do not particularly enjoy these types of works, so there might be some bias.

1. Gender bender and all its subgenres (unless it's a genderless monster)
2. Girls-love
3. Boys-love

I think you might like this if not then it's fine. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1112997/a-tamers-adventure/

 

[greyblob]

Good morning. None of you probably remember me, but I'm the guy who wants feedback through their Google Docs drafts, lol. As for where I've been in almost a year, I've been writing stories on Wattpad and AO3, but even though they got suprisingly good traction, I felt disillusioned. I wasn't writing what I wanted to write, rather giving what their main audience wanted. One was even about a yakuza/mafia crime romance plot, which was very derivative there. I deleted them all for good.

So, now, I'm back with a new story in the works. I hope it makes a good enough impression for the average reader. Let's just say the litRPG mechanics in this one are more geared toward the roguelike genre. Enjoy!

Beware The Horde

Beware The Horde Hajime expected the usual things upon being reborn into another world: dragons, magic, a basic skill system. Maybe even some “chosen hero” prophecy thrust into him. Instead, he gets an open field and a million slimes surrounding him at every corner. Once the slimes are gone com...

docs.google.com

read up to: chapter 3
3.5/5

Promising

I like rougelikes and seeing some of the genre's elements was a nice surprise (I hadn't read your comment fully). The overall quality is good. Though the first chapter was weak in comparision. It was difficult to read compared to the others.

My biggest and most glaring issue with this novel is the MC. I find him beyond obnoxious. I pray he gets his teeth punched in every time he speaks or makes a gesture. Others might think different. But thats how i feel. These reviews are very biased.

Lastly, there are some weird pov glitches. Sometimes I'm reading from the MC's pov then it's omniscient then the MC is omniscient.

Other than that I think you're doing fine. It is a little early to make a concrete judgement as 5k are not enough, but I believe you've got something promising.

 

[Kureous]

I know you said no Genderbender or Girls love, but I'd truly appreciate some feedback, sir blob.

 

[greyblob]

I know you said no Genderbender or Girls love, but I'd truly appreciate some feedback, sir blob.

no promises. and post your link.

 

[PBJ_Time]

read up to: chapter 3
3.5/5

Promising

I like rougelikes and seeing some of the genre's elements was a nice surprise (I hadn't read your comment fully). The overall quality is good. Though the first chapter was weak in comparision. It was difficult to read compared to the others.

My biggest and most glaring issue with this novel is the MC. I find him beyond obnoxious. I pray he gets his teeth punched in every time he speaks or makes a gesture. Others might think different. But thats how i feel. These reviews are very biased.

Lastly, there are some weird pov glitches. Sometimes I'm reading from the MC's pov then it's omniscient then the MC is omniscient.

Other than that I think you're doing fine. It is a little early to make a concrete judgement as 5k are not enough, but I believe you've got something promising.

Thank you. As for the opening chapter, I tried cramming in as much info on how the roguelike mechanics work as possible without resorting to just telling the reader like a manual from the start. That aside, if you're wondering what roguelike game inspired me to write this, it's Vampire Survivors. Obviously, I'm not gonna copy every mechanic they have because I have my own vision. Have a nice day!

 

[Kureous]

no promises. and post your link.

It's in my signature, lol, but sure: The Unbeatable Game | Scribble Hub