Unus(one for those who don't understand Latin[uneducated people/s]) chapter feedback

[Assurbanipal_II]

Those who cannot talk, must resort to violence.

 

[georgelee5786]

Those who cannot talk, must resort to violence.

correct

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

correct

I remain unimpressed. *was fun to banter with you*

 

[M.G.Driver]

Feedback me. Ty

 

[Five6212]

I’d like some feedback on mine if you please

Ravenswood

 

[TheUnsuspicious]

This is gng to be a long reply so feel free to ignore this. Just know that I am thankful for the honest review.

The first thing I noted was a lack of description about the woods. "[...] the dense, shadowed trees," is the closest the reader gets to knowing what the land looks like. What color are the trees and their leaves? Are they tall with many limbs? Short with few but long and annoying limbs? What creatures make these trees their homes? Adding details like that would've added more depth. Her reaction to the snake seems, to me, illogical and overdramatic. I get it is meant to show fear, but the ridiculosness of it lessens the impact. Her simply freezing in place with wide eyes would've conveyed the same sense of fear.

"He dressed simply, with a leather pouch strapped to his back and a plain set of clothes" define plain. Simply pants and a shirt of leather or some other type of animal hide?

"With a pair of brilliant golden eyes that seemed to glow with an inner fire" I imagine you are referring to the boy's eyes, but it is a little unclear.

uurgh.... ive asked a review a few months ago and he said that my writing was lacking a lot in being active and descriptive... I thought I had tackle that problem... but I guess not? It is certainly better than before and i thought it was descriptive enough.
The problem with me is that I want my writing to be short, concise and not having to detail everything down to the textile and color of shirt in every scene. Since personally it's just boring and lingering way too much at the irrelevant cause I am so used to chinese and korean novel. My ideal paragraphs would have been around 2-5 with most of them at 3 sentences. So I certainly still have room to fit in for the description. At least now I realize that it is better to be specific than leaving a vague term like plain?? but this is supposed to be a murim world and plain clothes usually just meant you used a robe with one color... so Im not sure how to describe a plain robe.

and for the girl... i guess I can see your point? but to me it still makes sense, after you read the chapter, you know that she came from either a rich or noble family, meaning she has never seen a snake so close to her. and it was clear that she has had a rough time considering her clothes and her being starving, so it is safe to assume she has been in complete tense mode, and yet when she finally got some rest time where she could relax her mind, hence the

'She wrapped her arms around herself and took her surroundings. The smell of earth and the chirping of birds provided a soothing background noise while the shadows cast by the trees added a sense of mystery and depth to the scene.'

all of a sudden, a snake appeared right beside her, which completely throws her state of mind, and thus the scream.
And also, this scream is essential since once you read a little bit further, the boy said

"That snake isn't the type to attack people easily. You must have startled it so– …Well, I guess it doesn’t matter."

this is actually a little easter egg for those who can piece everything since I introduced the snake as only looking at her vigilantly and not attacking her right away.

You say he grabbed the snake by the tail. This is a very minor issue, but anyone with decent knowledge of snakes knows you grab snakes by the neck to incapacitate them. He grabbed the neck later, yeah, but him not grabbing the neck right away seems weird. One could argue, however, that he was too far away to immediately grab the neck, so I'll digress.

Yes, you got it correct, it was because there was no time to grab the head.

But then, as the snake about to strike, a small, but fast hand shot out and caught it by the tail, barely preventing it from lunging at her.

I guess I should have written as 'biting' instead of 'lunging'? that way it tells that the boy barely stopped the snake.

"Meanwhile, examining the girl's tattered outfit, he cocked his eyebrow. 'Eh? That looks expensive. What is a rich brat doing alone in the middle of the forest?'" If it is tattered, how would he know it is expensive? You don't describe the dress itself, so I can't tell how the boy knows.

"[...] he sank his teeth into its flesh," weird way to describe an apple's peel. You finally describe the girl itself, but I think it is a missed opportunity. You could've described her earlier, then, while the boy was scrutinizing her, make his observations mixed with personal thoughts. Does he think the dress is overly flamboyant? You could've had him wonder why someone would choose to dress in such a weird manner, showing off how he was used to the roughness of his own clothes, or have him admire the work as being finer than what he was used to, showing he had some degree of civility.

I also thought of describing the dress earlier, but again, I hate it when I stayed way too long describing things. So I just cant find the right time to do it.

for the boy's personal thought... sadly that is straight up impossible... ok this is suppose to be a hidden mystery/easter egg for the far future but I guess its fine.
the boy have a lot of story behind him. his personality simply wont allow those thoughts to appear, since it is either unnecessary or that he is uninterested.
Which is why the writing makes him look like he was examining her, coming into a conclusion based on basic reasoning. That fits him.
He is supposed to be a boy who has way too much knowledge and experience. in fact, the girl would even feel it, its like she was talking to an adult instead, an adult that tried to act like a kid, but gives up in the middle.
This is suppose to be a big/obscure mystery since even if the reader thought that they already know all of the boy's story, it wont explain how he was so mature. And the reader will only realize this strangeness when the story finally address that point and reveals the true reason. Which will only happen at about 75% to the ending?

my motto of writing is that the more you read it again from the start the more you realize just how many foreshadowing there are. So first time, its great. Second time, its even better.

But regardless, point taken, I could definitely apply this to the girl and other characters to show their reaction and personal thoughts.

And for the grammar stuff... wow I cant believe I miss all of that (but i guess thats normal since im really bad at it). Tq for pointing it out. Anyway Im surprised you gave me a 7/10. I thought I will only get 6 or 5.

 

[georgelee5786]

This is gng to be a long reply so feel free to ignore this. Just know that I am thankful for the honest review.


uurgh.... ive asked a review a few months ago and he said that my writing was lacking a lot in being active and descriptive... I thought I had tackle that problem... but I guess not? It is certainly better than before and i thought it was descriptive enough.
The problem with me is that I want my writing to be short, concise and not having to detail everything down to the textile and color of shirt in every scene. Since personally it's just boring and lingering way too much at the irrelevant cause I am so used to chinese and korean novel. My ideal paragraphs would have been around 2-5 with most of them at 3 sentences. So I certainly still have room to fit in for the description. At least now I realize that it is better to be specific than leaving a vague term like plain?? but this is supposed to be a murim world and plain clothes usually just meant you used a robe with one color... so Im not sure how to describe a plain robe.

and for the girl... i guess I can see your point? but to me it still makes sense, after you read the chapter, you know that she came from either a rich or noble family, meaning she has never seen a snake so close to her. and it was clear that she has had a rough time considering her clothes and her being starving, so it is safe to assume she has been in complete tense mode, and yet when she finally got some rest time where she could relax her mind, hence the

all of a sudden, a snake appeared right beside her, which completely throws her state of mind, and thus the scream.
And also, this scream is essential since once you read a little bit further, the boy said

this is actually a little easter egg for those who can piece everything since I introduced the snake as only looking at her vigilantly and not attacking her right away.


Yes, you got it correct, it was because there was no time to grab the head.

I guess I should have written as 'biting' instead of 'lunging'? that way it tells that the boy barely stopped the snake

No, lunging is the word. Biting is the moment the snake sinks its teeth into flesh, but it has to lunge to be able to do that.

 

[georgelee5786]

Feedback me. Ty

just to clarify, do you want me to review Ceres Chaos or A Black Market LitRPG?

I’d like some feedback on mine if you please

Ravenswood

Please bear in mind this review is subjective and only deals with chapter 1, not the prologue(excepting one thing)

Overall:

Right off the bat, you introduce questions(What is going on? Why are people burning? etc.). Good move to keep readers attentive. The descriptions are all pretty good, nothing to criticize.

"[...]he picked up the glass inkwell that was laid on the table and used it as a mirror due to the absence of an actual one in the room." Would an inkwell work as a mirror? The ink would still cling to its inside to some extent, making it black, so I don't think it could be used that way.

You hardly explain quite who Jon is. Was he a peasant? You use the word 'transmigrate' so I imagine he didn't switch worlds, but it isn't quite clear. That's really my only critique, everything else was pretty solid.

Grammar issues:

'“Those aren’t beasts, Everard!” Ayla sparked.' Sparked? Weird choice of word

"tiny pale silver eyes, his hair, as blue as the clear sky on a summer’s day," Tiny, pale, silver eyes; his hair, a sblue as the clear sky on a summer's day may be better, but I might be wrong.

I give this story nine agitated beavers(possibly high). The one point lost is due to personal preference rather than any objective stance I have upon your story.

 

[Anon2024]

No merge

 

[M.G.Driver]

just to clarify, do you want me to review Ceres Chaos or A Black Market LitRPG?

Please bear in mind this review is subjective and only deals with chapter 1, not the prologue(excepting one thing)

Overall:

Right off the bat, you introduce questions(What is going on? Why are people burning? etc.). Good move to keep readers attentive. The descriptions are all pretty good, nothing to criticize.

"[...]he picked up the glass inkwell that was laid on the table and used it as a mirror due to the absence of an actual one in the room." Would an inkwell work as a mirror? The ink would still cling to its inside to some extent, making it black, so I don't think it could be used that way.

You hardly explain quite who Jon is. Was he a peasant? You use the word 'transmigrate' so I imagine he didn't switch worlds, but it isn't quite clear. That's really my only critique, everything else was pretty solid.

Grammar issues:

'“Those aren’t beasts, Everard!” Ayla sparked.' Sparked? Weird choice of word

"tiny pale silver eyes, his hair, as blue as the clear sky on a summer’s day," Tiny, pale, silver eyes; his hair, a sblue as the clear sky on a summer's day may be better, but I might be wrong.

I give this story nine agitated beavers(possibly high). The one point lost is due to personal preference rather than any objective stance I have upon your story.

Black market

 

[georgelee5786]

Black market

something something subjective review yada yada

"Even wooden splinters from the wheelbarrows frightened him, despite being nearly twenty-five years old." I sympathize. Splinters are evil.

"[...]coated in filth and pus from the trash heap." why was there pus in a trash heap? Pus is a bodily fluid, so there'd have to be some weird stuff in that trash heap.

"Is he a deviant?” a what?

"[...]a knee brutally colliding into him and cracking his collarbone into fragments." A few seconds later: "[...]he bore the brunt of the pain and recovered into a fighting stance." How does someone with a collarbone that has be fragmented manage to do that? You telling me the pain ain't bad enough to stp that? I think collarbone breaks aren't as bad, but I'm basing this solely off the knowledge that Aaron Rodgers got a broken collarbone during a game, but came back to play in the same game. However, his collarbone wasn't in fragments, I'll bet. I'm going to be honest, I think LitRPGs are lazy. Instead of showing a character's strength through acts, you show it in numbers. Show, don't tell. That aside, he gets boosts just for being a crime lord in another universe? Why should that give him anything?

Grammar issue:

"A bigshot in your previous life, so much for that huh?" There should be a comma between 'that' and 'huh'

Overall: despite my reservation about LitRPG, I can't find many faults in it. The plot concept is pretty interesting, and I don't see isekai happening from someone else's perspective. Usually, you see the guy who gets isekai'd die instead of the body he takes die, so point for you. Plus, your grammar was impeccable. I give it nine agitated beavers.

 

[Anon2024]

Misandry

 

[georgelee5786]

Misandry

What

 

[Anon2024]

What

Oh, just preventing post kerging

 

[georgelee5786]

Oh, just preventing post kerging

Well I'm going to prevent your prevention to boost my message count

 

[M.G.Driver]

I'm going to be honest, I think LitRPGs are lazy. Instead of showing a character's strength through acts, you show it in numbers. Show, don't tell. That aside, he gets boosts just for being a crime lord in another universe? Why should that give him anything?

Disagree, LitRPG is probably one of the hardest genres to pull off if you get your system wrong. Quantifying strength on a global scale is far worse that marking relative strength in a single instance.

But thank you for the feedback. I agree with everything else. It is not an isekai.

 

[georgelee5786]

But thank you for the feedback. I agree with everything else. It is not an isekai

Transmigration?

 

[LowinKeshin]

Can I have one for In His Will?

 

[georgelee5786]

Can I have one for In His Will?

something something subjective review beaver noises

Why's Thea not in uniform, but Jane is? Are they only mandatory during school hours? " On the large, smooth, black glass surface were several unfinished papers and a stack of four books." What books? About what? What're their titles? Does Jane know the authors? Is she working quickly to finish her papers due to an incoming deadline? All questions that, if answered, would've added to the story.

"I said, smiling for real. This time, it did not dull my senses at all." What? Why would smiling dull her senses?

"I felt a tingle in my heart. I only felt it whenever I stayed with Thea." eyes narrow.

"I faked a shrug as I smiled at her." How do you fake a shrug? Either you shrug, or you don't.

“LOL." Why? Why would anyone speak an abbreviation like that?

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.” Why are there apostrophes around you? Did you want to italicize it? You use asteriks(*) to do that, or click the button that looks like a capital I leaning to the right.

"Most of them wore their own style of clothing, one even wore a blue jacket in a hot season. While some, the minority, wore their uniform as well." What kinda school has uniforms that aren't mandatory?

"On the walls, I saw the natural white color of cement," isn't cement naturall gray?

'“Why did they make it mandatory?” she asked.' She as in Thea? Needs clarification.

“The world leader wanted to revive spiritual beliefs,” I said. “Society can’t function without values and a sense of belonging, according to him.” This makes no sense. A society does need values, yes, and religion provides those. But if you allow multiple religions, like shintoism and Christianity and presumably others like buddhism and islam(which exists since Jane and Thea pass women in muslim attire), you end up with conflicting values. It is a poor move by a world leader, who'd have to be relatively intelligent to run the world. He'd have been better off mandating a single religion.

Grammar issues:

"[...]random bible verse" Capital B. This is a pet peeve of mine.

“Dont. It’s a rhetorical question.” *Don't.

“At least their dancing and ritual activities were fun to learn." Are or were? Either works, but I'm just clarifying what you mean. Were implies Jane once was apart of the class and learned them, or that the class no longer teaches the rituals. Are implies Jane is actively learning them.

"my ears heard silence" you cannot hear silence is the absence of anything audible. 'My ears heard nothing.'

"She needed a constant nudge or reminder to get her work done." Nothing grammatically wrong, technically, but I think 'She just needs' would work better.

"[...]picked up the top pile of books." You mean something along the lines of: '[...]picked up the book on top of the stack?'

"She scoffed, She scoffed," repetition.

"Their fingers, with long polished nails, pinched their veils, pushing and pulling. To cool their bodies." Remove the period between 'pushing' and 'to'.

"[...]like a first-person movie in Fast-forward." The F in fast should not be capitalized.

Overall:

Generally, the story is pretty well-rounded. Aside from the issues I pointed out, there are only a few points I don't like. One is that there's nothing to provoke the reader into reading more chapters. If you'd ended the chapter when the ball struck her and she overreacted without explaining, the reader, in his curiosity, he'd been lured into reading the next chapter to learn what happened. Another is that there is no clear plot. No villain to beat, no mystery to solve. Unless it is a slice of life book, introducing the plot and setting the bases quickly yet carefully is important. Tbh, the story isn't my style, yet is still decent.

Six agitated bavers(possibly high).

 

[Seaspecter]

I’d like one for my story please.

Anna’s Dream

This web novel is about Anna the only child of the enigmatic being known as The Dreamer. Join her as she travels a world filled with magic and wonders. She's not the chosen one, she has no destiny and there's no telling what she's going to do next, other than...

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