Want Me To Look at Your Work?

[Story_Marc]

Hey everyone! If we haven't crossed paths before, here's a snapshot of my expertise in writing and storytelling. I'm diving back into offering feedback to writers eager to elevate their work. But before you post, here's the deal: this isn't a free feedback thread. I thrive on mutual support, so I'm looking for individuals ready to engage in a feedback exchange. If you're hungry for insights and growth and committed to giving back, count me in.

To note, I want to ensure our collaboration is fair and balanced. While I'll start with base-level critiques and feedback in my responses for those who qualify, I'll expect a higher level of engagement for more in-depth feedback or assistance with specific aspects of your work. We can discuss what that entails later on if you're interested.

Also, make clear stuff with me first instead of just rushing to comment.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Finally, something different.

 

[Notadate]

My stressed increased when I heard mutual. I hate being questioned. But I do like understanding where aI gotta being improve and why I did certain things, and why you think zi should change in that regard. Hmmmm

 

[FutaKay]

Hello.
If you would not mind I would appreciate it if you could look at a story of mine. <3

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/981931/the-value-of-hard-work/

 

[melchi]

I don't mind, which story do you want feedback on?

 

[Story_Marc]

Hello.
If you would not mind I would appreciate it if you could look at a story of mine. <3

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/981931/the-value-of-hard-work/

This version of things isn't really my forte (mostly because I think of the canon characters and...that shifts me away immediately), so content-wise, I can't say too much so far. But when it comes to the reading, to start with, this reads really stiff throughout. Something I realized about writing effective erotica with my experiments doing so is that flow, rhythm, and aesthetic stuff with prose will play much more into it. I highly recommend watching this episode I made on the topic, as it goes into much greater detail on the advice I'd give

The part, in particular, I wish to point to is what I said about sentence variants. For instance, see this here at the very beginning:

Diamond Tiara dreamed she chased Applebloom through a field of white lillies. The warm sun made her naked skin tingle. The wind flowed through her long lavender hair as she glided over the ground faster than she had ever been able to run. She takcled Applebloom and they folated gently to the ground. They rolled around on a bed of floweres that smelled like sweat, campires and maple leaves. Like Applebloom at the end of their three day camping trip. Their chests and thighs rubbed against ecachother. DT's nipples felt like they were being tickled by feathers. She moaned instead of laughed.

Another thing I can recommend is exploring more the emotional aspect of stuff during these scenes. There is plenty of physical things with the act itself, but the emotional stuff or impact of each part feels underdeveloped to me. If you get more balance of both sides going with that (I recommend with things like scene/sequel structure), this would probably feel less mechanical and more alive. Adding more sensory details beyond touch and taste could help, though you didn't do a bad job with that. In your case, you have potential with what you're doing; it's just a matter of layering more skills to appeal to emotions.

Here's a bit of what I can give on scene/sequel structure.

 

[RedHunter2296]

This is exactly what I was looking for, honestly it would be great for me, I really need help desperately right now.

My novel is quite long, 260 chapters, but the real problem lies in the first 20, where I've received comments that they are very confusing, tedious, and too much happens, so the abandonment rate is quite high. Once readers manage to get past Chapter 21, they say that the entire novel is great, but undoubtedly the worst part is the beginning.

To make matters worse, it has serious hints about future events in the story, and as the author of the story, I obviously know what's behind them, so I can't see how the story would look from someone "without prior knowledge of all the lore."

If you have any feedback or especially any ideas on how to improve it, it's more than welcome, because I don't know what else to do. I've reached the point of even trying to completely redo the beginning, but I can't think of how to make it better.

Valkyria Squadron | Scribble Hub

 

[Story_Marc]

Hello.
If you would not mind I would appreciate it if you could look at a story of mine. <3

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/981931/the-value-of-hard-work/

Wanted to add something to my commentary: you did make a wise decision starting where you did, with that dream, and how you you setup the stakes. While I'm not into it on a personal level, it is a great example of a genre anchor, as I like to call it.

This is exactly what I was looking for, honestly it would be great for me, I really need help desperately right now.

My novel is quite long, 260 chapters, but the real problem lies in the first 20, where I've received comments that they are very confusing, tedious, and too much happens, so the abandonment rate is quite high. Once readers manage to get past Chapter 21, they say that the entire novel is great, but undoubtedly the worst part is the beginning.

To make matters worse, it has serious hints about future events in the story, and as the author of the story, I obviously know what's behind them, so I can't see how the story would look from someone "without prior knowledge of all the lore."

If you have any feedback or especially any ideas on how to improve it, it's more than welcome, because I don't know what else to do. I've reached the point of even trying to completely redo the beginning, but I can't think of how to make it better.

Valkyria Squadron | Scribble Hub

Hmm, an interesting challenge. Give me a few days and we can work out a deal here!

 

[Bartun]

I would love to, but I'm still writing it, and the first chapters need an urgent edit run. I'm aware of the problems but I want to finish the current arc first before editing.

 

[Story_Marc]

I would love to, but I'm still writing it, and the first chapters need an urgent edit run. I'm aware of the problems but I want to finish the current arc first before editing.

Tell me when you are and we'll chat. I decided to skim and I'm intrigued what I could recommend here.

 

[Story_Marc]

This is exactly what I was looking for, honestly it would be great for me, I really need help desperately right now.

My novel is quite long, 260 chapters, but the real problem lies in the first 20, where I've received comments that they are very confusing, tedious, and too much happens, so the abandonment rate is quite high. Once readers manage to get past Chapter 21, they say that the entire novel is great, but undoubtedly the worst part is the beginning.

To make matters worse, it has serious hints about future events in the story, and as the author of the story, I obviously know what's behind them, so I can't see how the story would look from someone "without prior knowledge of all the lore."

If you have any feedback or especially any ideas on how to improve it, it's more than welcome, because I don't know what else to do. I've reached the point of even trying to completely redo the beginning, but I can't think of how to make it better.

Valkyria Squadron | Scribble Hub

Alright, I've read over the first chapter and I've started gathering notes to address everything you've brought up! Do you want me to do things in this thread? Or PM? Or Discord? Since I've quite a bit I can break down first for the issues. When it comes to problem-solving, I dislike telling people what to do so much as I like to work with them through the process and help them figure out what the solution should be.

After I do this with chapter 1, I'd like you to try out the first chapter of "The Ties That Blind" as I wish to test the effectiveness of my current writing. I don't need any suggestions or analysis when it comes to writing itself. I just want someone's honest response as a reader. That's all.

I don't mind, which story do you want feedback on?

I missed this the other day. My main interest right now is Ties since it's my current writing. However, I'd say to hold off on reading for now since I'm starting to get active with multiple people at once again and I don't know how fast I can get to anything in return.

As said, I'm not interested in commentary as a writer or anything like that. I want reader feedback with simple reactions from those who would give my stories a fair try. When it comes to your writing, what would you want me to look at, and what exactly would you want me to do with it? Since I can look at a lot of things, it just depends on what someone is looking for.

 

[RedHunter2296]

Alright, I've read over the first chapter and I've started gathering notes to address everything you've brought up! Do you want me to do things in this thread? Or PM? Or Discord? Since I've quite a bit I can break down first for the issues. When it comes to problem-solving, I dislike telling people what to do so much as I like to work with them through the process and help them figure out what the solution should be.

After I do this with chapter 1, I'd like you to try out the first chapter of "The Ties That Blind" as I wish to test the effectiveness of my current writing. I don't need any suggestions or analysis when it comes to writing itself. I just want someone's honest response as a reader. That's all.

Yes, of course, if you want you can write to me on Discord since it's easier for me to review it.

My Discord username is indecipherable so make sure to note it down properly, it is: redhunter2296.

 

[melchi]

I missed this the other day. My main interest right now is Ties since it's my current writing. However, I'd say to hold off on reading for now since I'm starting to get active with multiple people at once again and I don't know how fast I can get to anything in return.

As said, I'm not interested in commentary as a writer or anything like that. I want reader feedback with simple reactions from those who would give my stories a fair try. When it comes to your writing, what would you want me to look at, and what exactly would you want me to do with it? Since I can look at a lot of things, it just depends on what someone is looking for.

I have two on scribblehub, so whichever one you think might be more interesting? Far be it from me to pressure anyone to read something they don't want to.

 

[Nevafrost]

Here is my story. I would like if you leave a review there. Don't bother if you don't want to. Just give me a feedback.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1052102/the-truth-is-mysterious/

And Where is your story?

 

[Little-Moon]

I am always up for a feedback exchange :)

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1033680/world-wanderer--the-dungeon-girl/

My story is fairly new and I want to point out I am not an Eng Native. So I would be happy on any opinion one may be able to offer and if only if it's worth a read or not.

Edit: My story is a adventure typed story. It has mild elements of Mystery and a lot of world hopping. I don't know if it is for you but I am trying nevertheless.

I will give as much feedback back as I can though as a non native I am simply unable to comment on some things. (That and because I only want to comment on something where I am capable of giving a solid opinion.)

 

[Mortrexo]

Hey @Story_Marc I've read your story and a few pointers. Let me start with, your English is perfect. It is something I personally have a bit of envy about, good job at that. Hahahaha. Either way, the first mistake I've come across, one that hit my eye quite harshly, is formatting.

ç
Look at all that space between paragraphs! It's really not good for a reader to have everything so separated. It comes as unprofessional and hard to read. Minimal movement for the eyes is best when reading, so that people can binge without finding it bothersome.

This is from my own novel. See how it looks different?

The second mistake I've realized, and perhaps your biggest one. Your cover art is... How to say it... Not good. It's not attractive; it is insipid, flat, and generic. It's not meant to bash the art quality, though, but the art style is not something that attracts eyes here in Scribblehub. If your character was more "anime-like," although cliche, it would attract more clicks. A red-haired person with green eyes, a curvy body, and an anime style are always attractive.

The third mistake is that you sometimes overcomplicate sentences. Good and complicated prose is good; it looks beautiful. However, remember that you are trying to write a story to be enjoyed. With your level of English, 80% of Scribblehub users would need a dictionary by their side to read your novel.

Try to smoothen out the level of vocabulary without losing complexity. However, use this "complex" vocabulary for first descriptions of people, places, and more. This constant dance of complex words made my brain hurt a bit, ahahaha.

Other than that, I do not see grave mistakes in your writing. I think that you've reached a point of studying "how to write" so much and reached such a high level that you've lost track of "how to make it enjoyable". You focus much more on "how it looks" than "what it tells" and "who it is for."

I hope this advice can help you smooth out the last rough edges to make your stories boom with success. Someone who knows how to write complex English but goes back to writing more simply can give a "word candy" from time to time to surprise the readers.

I hope you can review my (much more simple) recently uploaded novel, hahaha. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1055674/ascension-of-the-sylvan-cosmos/

Much love,
Mortrexo.

 

[Story_Marc]

Hey @Story_Marc I've read your story and a few pointers. Let me start with, your English is perfect. It is something I personally have a bit of envy about, good job at that. Hahahaha. Either way, the first mistake I've come across, one that hit my eye quite harshly, is formatting. View attachment 28067ç
Look at all that space between paragraphs! It's really not good for a reader to have everything so separated. It comes as unprofessional and hard to read. Minimal movement for the eyes is best when reading, so that people can binge without finding it bothersome.
View attachment 28068
This is from my own novel. See how it looks different?

The second mistake I've realized, and perhaps your biggest one. Your cover art is... How to say it... Not good. It's not attractive; it is insipid, flat, and generic. It's not meant to bash the art quality, though, but the art style is not something that attracts eyes here in Scribblehub. If your character was more "anime-like," although cliche, it would attract more clicks. A red-haired person with green eyes, a curvy body, and an anime style are always attractive.

The third mistake is that you sometimes overcomplicate sentences. Good and complicated prose is good; it looks beautiful. However, remember that you are trying to write a story to be enjoyed. With your level of English, 80% of Scribblehub users would need a dictionary by their side to read your novel.

Try to smoothen out the level of vocabulary without losing complexity. However, use this "complex" vocabulary for first descriptions of people, places, and more. This constant dance of complex words made my brain hurt a bit, ahahaha.

Other than that, I do not see grave mistakes in your writing. I think that you've reached a point of studying "how to write" so much and reached such a high level that you've lost track of "how to make it enjoyable". You focus much more on "how it looks" than "what it tells" and "who it is for."

I hope this advice can help you smooth out the last rough edges to make your stories boom with success. Someone who knows how to write complex English but goes back to writing more simply can give a "word candy" from time to time to surprise the readers.

I hope you can review my (much more simple) recently uploaded novel, hahaha. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1055674/ascension-of-the-sylvan-cosmos/

Much love,
Mortrexo

I'm leaving Scribblehub and the entire web novel space as a writer after I'm done with Ties (on top of deleting my work), so yeah, appealing to this platform isn't stuff I'm concerned with. I'm not interested in making stories for webnovel readers, so I never use the tactics I know appeal here since my ambition involves a different audience.

Also, please, people, don't do what he just did. -.- As I said in the opening post, don't rush to comment on any work. As it literally says at the end, make clear stuff with me first instead of just rushing to comment.

Here's the reason why, seeing as my request was already ignored.

1) I can avoid the problem where someone assumes they know my audience and misidentifies what I'm doing or who I'm concerned with. Or even what work I want to hear anything about. I wasn't going to ask anything about Ties.

2) So I don't feel pressured to read anybody else's story if I don't want to. I need to see if I'm a good fit for the person, on top of what exactly they want me to focus on. When someone doesn't follow what I ask, it just puts me in an awkward position where I feel bad for not reciprocating. And that just makes me resent what they did rather than be grateful.

Here is my story. I would like if you leave a review there. Don't bother if you don't want to. Just give me a feedback.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1052102/the-truth-is-mysterious/

And Where is your story?

This was the next one I was going to ask about. I like mystery, so I'm game! I wanted to know what you wished for feedback on and your goal with stuff. Also, fine going through stuff with PM or Discord, as I have with others, unless you're certain you want me to just post a review on the story.

 

[Story_Marc]

I am always up for a feedback exchange :)

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1033680/world-wanderer--the-dungeon-girl/

My story is fairly new and I want to point out I am not an Eng Native. So I would be happy on any opinion one may be able to offer and if only if it's worth a read or not.

Edit: My story is a adventure typed story. It has mild elements of Mystery and a lot of world hopping. I don't know if it is for you but I am trying nevertheless.

I will give as much feedback back as I can though as a non native I am simply unable to comment on some things. (That and because I only want to comment on something where I am capable of giving a solid opinion.)

That's fine! I gave it a quick skim, and before we begin, would you like to switch to PM for anything private? Also, I can help if you tell me anything you want me to do in particular or if you'd like me to just ask questions or so on. Regardless, I'm cool with this! And it's fine with such struggles, as I had already taken that into consideration. That isn't my real concern anyway.

 

[Little-Moon]

That's fine! I gave it a quick skim, and before we begin, would you like to switch to PM for anything private? Also, I can help if you tell me anything you want me to do in particular or if you'd like me to just ask questions or so on. Regardless, I'm cool with this! And it's fine with such struggles, as I had already taken that into consideration. That isn't my real concern anyway.

Then I'd prefer PM, I am more comfortable with that if you don't mind.

 

[Mortrexo]

I'm leaving Scribblehub and the entire web novel space as a writer after I'm done with Ties (on top of deleting my work), so yeah, appealing to this platform isn't stuff I'm concerned with. I'm not interested in making stories for webnovel readers, so I never use the tactics I know appeal here since my ambition involves a different audience.

Also, please, people, don't do what he just did. -.- As I said in the opening post, don't rush to comment on any work. As it literally says at the end, make clear stuff with me first instead of just rushing to comment.

Here's the reason why, seeing as my request was already ignored.

1) I can avoid the problem where someone assumes they know my audience and misidentifies what I'm doing or who I'm concerned with. Or even what work I want to hear anything about. I wasn't going to ask anything about Ties.

2) So I don't feel pressured to read anybody else's story if I don't want to. I need to see if I'm a good fit for the person, on top of what exactly they want me to focus on. When someone doesn't follow what I ask, it just puts me in an awkward position where I feel bad for not reciprocating. And that just makes me resent what they did rather than be grateful.


This was the next one I was going to ask about. I like mystery, so I'm game! I wanted to know what you wished for feedback on and your goal with stuff. Also, fine going through stuff with PM or Discord, as I have with others, unless you're certain you want me to just post a review on the story.

Woah, I certainly didn't expect this reaction hahaha. No worries; there's no need to do any reviews. I saw your profile and saw that your novels were struggling to get views, so I just gave you a few pointers to appeal to readers on this page because you've uploaded quite a few videos that I found interesting. It was completely out of goodwill, not expecting anything in return. It was also something for others who might come to this thread to take into account when creating their novels.

I never said anything bad about your story, though, and I even pointed out multiple times that it is good, just a bit overcomplicated, so I don't know why you got angry about it. I'll refrain from doing anything similar in the future.

Also, don't take this comment as me being resentful or anything; I can't really portray "calmness" through words, hahaha. I didn't take offense, and as I said, I wasn't expecting a review, just a few first impressions. You can completely ignore the comment I made and continue with what you were doing! Have fun and good luck~.

Hoping you also don't take this comment badly,
Much love,
Mortrexo.

P.S. Even after I tried to rewrite it a few times, it still sounds passive-aggressive... T_T. Well, just know that it is not something like that, and I sincerely hope for your success. Have a great day~. <3