Would you read further?

[finalrealms]

I sincerely need some advice regarding the creation I've made.
It has been a short-term period since I have been serious about creating my fantasy novel. Before I decided to share in every community, including here in SH, it took me a while.
I know my mistake in grammar and punctuation, and I have been keen to polish myself on that weaknesses,
I started my first thread today because I couldn't contain myself from curiosity. It has been seven chapters in SH, one chapter per week. I saw the chances of getting any comment from each chapter or overall review was instead meet the dead end.
So if I may ask, what do you think about my story, writing style, and the genre I've been writing?


Final Realms - New World

 

[Salvador_Sequeira]

I liked the first chapter! It was interesting, and inspired me to read more later - Like you said, the main issue was Grammar but that's something that will come with practice, keep it up! :]

 

[Gryphon]

From the first chapter alone, I wouldn't personally read further, and its not because of the grammar either, though that was a key factor. Personally, grammar means nothing until it actively gets in the way of my reading experience, which it kind of does here. I would recommend using something like prowritingaid or grammarly to catch those grammar mistakes. It can be a really big help when it comes to making story flow better and it'll help your story become much more legible. Take it from someone who also has problems with their grammar when writing their stories.

As for the main reason I wouldn't read further it would be because I have not a single interest about what happens to these two characters. We don't even learn their names in the first chapter. They show little to no actual personality and are just used to spout information that I would care about if I cared about the characters first and foremost. At best the girl is curious and the alter-ego is unpredictable, but those things aren't really the greatest hooks.

I will admit, its a lot better than what I did when I first wrote a story. The reason I'm being harsh here is so you can learn and grow to become a great writer like I know you can be. Here are some things I recommend you do on your next work.

1. Give the main characters some characterization. Readers don't want to follow characters who have no personality outside of being info dumps
2. This is something I highly recommend you to do and that is to use narration outside of 'the girl said' and such. Give a lot more thorough descriptions on what the characters are doing, how they feel, and what this information means to them.
3. That translates into this point which I would love to see personally. Build up your mysteries and work on your worldbuilding. Right now, the only mystery there is is who are the neo-humans, and that in itself might be interesting, but the mystery isn't presented in an interesting way. It's just dumped in an info dump that won't mean anything seconds later.
4. Show, don't tell.

Again, I'm harsh because I want people to succeed in writing. From what I could glean of your story, it's something I would be interested in reading, but sadly its just no told interestingly enough to grab, much less keep my attention. I hope you can take my criticisms to heart and improve your craft in the future.

 

[finalrealms]

From the first chapter alone, I wouldn't personally read further, and its not because of the grammar either, though that was a key factor. Personally, grammar means nothing until it actively gets in the way of my reading experience, which it kind of does here. I would recommend using something like prowritingaid or grammarly to catch those grammar mistakes. It can be a really big help when it comes to making story flow better and it'll help your story become much more legible. Take it from someone who also has problems with their grammar when writing their stories.

As for the main reason I wouldn't read further it would be because I have not a single interest about what happens to these two characters. We don't even learn their names in the first chapter. They show little to no actual personality and are just used to spout information that I would care about if I cared about the characters first and foremost. At best the girl is curious and the alter-ego is unpredictable, but those things aren't really the greatest hooks.

I will admit, its a lot better than what I did when I first wrote a story. The reason I'm being harsh here is so you can learn and grow to become a great writer like I know you can be. Here are some things I recommend you do on your next work.

1. Give the main characters some characterization. Readers don't want to follow characters who have no personality outside of being info dumps
2. This is something I highly recommend you to do and that is to use narration outside of 'the girl said' and such. Give a lot more thorough descriptions on what the characters are doing, how they feel, and what this information means to them.
3. That translates into this point which I would love to see personally. Build up your mysteries and work on your worldbuilding. Right now, the only mystery there is is who are the neo-humans, and that in itself might be interesting, but the mystery isn't presented in an interesting way. It's just dumped in an info dump that won't mean anything seconds later.
4. Show, don't tell.

Again, I'm harsh because I want people to succeed in writing. From what I could glean of your story, it's something I would be interested in reading, but sadly its just no told interestingly enough to grab, much less keep my attention. I hope you can take my criticisms to heart and improve your craft in the future.

Thanks a lot for your criticism. I appreciate it instead of sulking into a bad mood after reading your comment.
I have to admit; that the first chapter was my biggest struggle of all time. I made multiple changes, and yet nothing came to my liking.
All I did in the first chapter was to write according to the preference that the other writer told me to do, but still, I couldn't hit a certain point which caused a lack of interest to continue to the second chapter, which revealed the character itself.

Based on the feedback stated by your comment, it seems like my biggest issue was the info-dumping where I've revealed too much but didn't explain their characteristics and reaction toward their conversation. I will take note of this and try to rewrite it again by expressing their emotion along with their conversation.

Once again, thanks a lot for your honest review. I will heed your advice and won't surrender to my negative thought and harsh criticism from the community, good day! This kind of comment is what I need all along.

 

[Gryphon]

Thanks a lot for your criticism. I appreciate it instead of sulking into a bad mood after reading your comment.
I have to admit; that the first chapter was my biggest struggle of all time. I made multiple changes, and yet nothing came to my liking.
All I did in the first chapter was to write according to the preference that the other writer told me to do, but still, I couldn't hit a certain point which caused a lack of interest to continue to the second chapter, which revealed the character itself.

Based on the feedback stated by your comment, it seems like my biggest issue was the info-dumping where I've revealed too much but didn't explain their characteristics and reaction toward their conversation. I will take note of this and try to rewrite it again by expressing their emotion along with their conversation.

Once again, thanks a lot for your honest review. I will heed your advice and won't surrender to my negative thought and harsh criticism from the community, good day! This kind of comment is what I need all along.

No problem. I go by the idea that people need actual criticism if they actually want to get better at their craft. You don't see people mastering their class with yes men surrounding them all the time, cause then they'd never learn the right and wrong to the process. I hope to see your writing improve in the future.

 

[Yi_San]

No problem. I go by the idea that people need actual criticism if they actually want to get better at their craft. You don't see people mastering their class with yes men surrounding them all the time, cause then they'd never learn the right and wrong to the process. I hope to see your writing improve in the future.

Hi. Can you please help me with mine too? I sincerely welcome your criticism.

I transmigrated - That Sucks! | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Gryphon]

So if I would keep reading or not, I would say no. Mainly because I had a hard time understanding what was even going on. The grammar wasn't that bad either. It wasn't perfect but legible. The reason why I couldn't understand what was going on was because you weren't that descriptive. For instance, when the MC daydreamed about the Asian warrior, you wrote down that they had a Chinese or Korean name. Why not look up a Chinese or Korean name and use that. Or, if the daydream isn't important and it was there to build the MC's character, then you shouldn't even recognize the name.

There's also a lot of telling instead of showing. Lets go back to the daydream. You wrote that the MC was daydreaming about an Asian man doing OP things. Instead of outright saying that they're OP, instead, show us them doing OP stuff. For example, you say they were using spells and such. So describe the spell and the damage it caused.

Example: "My mind drifted away from the laborious studying and into a realm of magic and martial arts. Instead of a young boy, I was a fearsome man of Asian descent, soaring above a village of darkness. My hand grabbed onto something invisible while my other hand drew back with a few fingers grasping onto something. In the blink of an eye, the invisible weapon ignited into a bow completely made of fire. An arrow magically appeared, it too made of fire, and the tip aimed at the eyes of an Oni. Taking a deep breath, I release the string, and the arrow flies into the village. Once it sinks in the eye of the Oni, it explodes in a massive area, burning everyone inside the village alive, and the few that do remain bow at my presence.

I think you see how this version is much clearer, as well as more dramatic. By just describing more, and describing what's important, you can extend both the weight of the scene and the word count. It also feels much more satisfying to the reader to actually have something to imagine in their mind. It also brings to focus the pure imagination of the MC and what he would want to do except for math. This is what people mean by the phrase: Show Don't Tell.

I can go into more detail, but I'm currently doing things right now, and I have my own story to write. If you want some more advice, you can PM me and I'll answer when I have the time, or you can go to this thread: Free First Chapter Feedback. There you can get a much more in-depth description of what needs fixing.

Overall, there's potential in this. You just need to clean up the grammar, be more descriptive so the reader can understand what's going on better, and keep writing. As long as you keep writing, you're inevitably going to get better.

 

[Yi_San]

So if I would keep reading or not, I would say no. Mainly because I had a hard time understanding what was even going on. The grammar wasn't that bad either. It wasn't perfect but legible. The reason why I couldn't understand what was going on was because you weren't that descriptive. For instance, when the MC daydreamed about the Asian warrior, you wrote down that they had a Chinese or Korean name. Why not look up a Chinese or Korean name and use that. Or, if the daydream isn't important and it was there to build the MC's character, then you shouldn't even recognize the name.

There's also a lot of telling instead of showing. Lets go back to the daydream. You wrote that the MC was daydreaming about an Asian man doing OP things. Instead of outright saying that they're OP, instead, show us them doing OP stuff. For example, you say they were using spells and such. So describe the spell and the damage it caused.

Example: "My mind drifted away from the laborious studying and into a realm of magic and martial arts. Instead of a young boy, I was a fearsome man of Asian descent, soaring above a village of darkness. My hand grabbed onto something invisible while my other hand drew back with a few fingers grasping onto something. In the blink of an eye, the invisible weapon ignited into a bow completely made of fire. An arrow magically appeared, it too made of fire, and the tip aimed at the eyes of an Oni. Taking a deep breath, I release the string, and the arrow flies into the village. Once it sinks in the eye of the Oni, it explodes in a massive area, burning everyone inside the village alive, and the few that do remain bow at my presence.

I think you see how this version is much clearer, as well as more dramatic. By just describing more, and describing what's important, you can extend both the weight of the scene and the word count. It also feels much more satisfying to the reader to actually have something to imagine in their mind. It also brings to focus the pure imagination of the MC and what he would want to do except for math. This is what people mean by the phrase: Show Don't Tell.

I can go into more detail, but I'm currently doing things right now, and I have my own story to write. If you want some more advice, you can PM me and I'll answer when I have the time, or you can go to this thread: Free First Chapter Feedback. There you can get a much more in-depth description of what needs fixing.

Overall, there's potential in this. You just need to clean up the grammar, be more descriptive so the reader can understand what's going on better, and keep writing. As long as you keep writing, you're inevitably going to get better.

Thank you very much for your feedback. I didn't know more description is the better for the story. I thought it would be too much information. My intention was to create a light comedy read. I will pay attention, next chapter onwards.

Inspiration: The MC in the story is not a created character, but me. Most of the transmigration novels are of Chinese, Korean, Japanese and I, as a reader imagine going there. But the problem is unlike the usual protagonist who transmigrate into the book, I don't have such advantage as I am not of those descents. I am guessing what it would be like for me to transmigrate into these stories. The stories in my native language don't have this much advanced settings as these novels. They are mostly of country girl romance and thugs adventure. Very few of which have usual CEO setting story.

OP ness,I actually meant the OPness like no other. Like god like powers.

About maths: I don't like maths. And next week it's maths exam. Knowing my laziness, my mom is watching over me.
So in story, while reading maths, I transmigrated.

I understand I should have added all this on the story.

Very very thank you for spending your valuable time for my silly work. I greatly appreciate that. I will try to improve more. Thank you.