Yet Another Feedback Thread

[melchi]

I figured I'd throw out my own feedback thread.

1.) I've been told that I'm very blunt. So keep that in mind.
2.) I don't really like grimdark all that much. So if it is a murderhobo story I'd rather not read it.
3.) Smut. I don't mind a little smut but anything that is pushing scribblehub's TOS I would like to avoid.
4.) Romance. This is the same as above, a little romance is okay but if the main hook is people pining for one another please don't ask me to review it. (A good example of a romance I like would be pride and prejudice, the hook is the getting the the daughters married off but the story is more about intrigue and misunderstanding)
5.) Multi-main-character. Going to be frank, with this one, it just doesn't work for me as a genre. I almost always find the pacing horrible and just want to tell the author to split them into different books in the same universe.

 

[ManwX]

I wonder if you will even find it interesting but I'm dipping my toes in to uncharted territory. Hopefully it's not as a bad start as my other series.

Journey to Eden Prime: The Last World of Humanity

Growing up, most people aspire to forge their own path, yet Alex's upbringing was different. Tech, tools and machinery was what he grew up with and not by choice. Instead of chasing dreams and aspirations, his world revolved around the intricate work of starship mechanics from an early age...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Bartun]

Cool! I wouldn't mind more feedback but you might not like my story, it's kinda grimdark.

 

[melchi]

I wonder if you will even find it interesting but I'm dipping my toes in to uncharted territory. Hopefully it's not as a bad start as my other series.

Journey to Eden Prime: The Last World of Humanity

Growing up, most people aspire to forge their own path, yet Alex's upbringing was different. Tech, tools and machinery was what he grew up with and not by choice. Instead of chasing dreams and aspirations, his world revolved around the intricate work of starship mechanics from an early age...

www.scribblehub.com

Okay, I'll give my two coppers.

1.) Synopsis is too long. The parts that are written like a prologue should go somewhere else. I would suggest condensing it to a paragraph or two that points at the main themes of the story. I'm guessing: space travel, being the only human, and a cat.

The sun's first rays pierced the horizon, casting a warm, golden glow over the sprawling metropolis. Amidst the hum of vehicles zipping through the air and the graceful dance of interstellar starships in the celestial expanse above, a voice echoed through the corridors of a massive starship.


“Alex, rise and shine, you lazy lump!” The voice, gruff yet familiar, shattered the peaceful cocoon of Alex's slumber, sending him tumbling from his bed.

The structure for the first paragraph is a bit backward. Things at the start of the sentence pop the most.
Suns rays (most important) -> sprawling metropolis (second important) -> vehicles zipping (third important) -> massive starship (least important)

I would suggest trying to rephrase that to have "massive starship" be much closer to the beginning of the paragraph.

Also, that action tag behind the dialogue is very long. It could be better if condensed and balanced.

One thing that I didn't find was a description of Gobo. Later it says that he is three feet tall but I think that should be moved up to before Gobo actually says anything.

As Alex immersed himself in his duties, his concentration was abruptly disrupted by the sound of a voice he knew all too well. Emerging into his field of vision was Marie, a fellow mechanic, and the sole individual in the shop whom Alex had known since childhood. Marie, a fellow mechanic and the only person in the shop he had known since his early years.

I would suggest deleting the first sentence. It makes this paragraph seem like Alex's when it is actually Marie's. Also, saying "a fellow mechanic" twice in the same paragraph is redundant.

"Alex," he began, "I received a hologram message from Mavier's family. They said you accepted. Is that true?"

Marie's family?

My overall impression is that it needs to be tightened up. Some things are a bit vague as well. I would suggest moving the stuff about Alex wanting to explore to the first paragraphs or at least giving it some hints in the dialogue. My take away is that the hook is exploration but it is kinda hidden mid chapter.

One other thing: The alien races don't have names. There are at least 3 different characters from different races so at the very least they should have names. Eventually, they should have traits that set them apart from humans but it doesn't need to come out until it is important. But names are a must.

Cool! I wouldn't mind more feedback but you might not like my story, it's kinda grimdark.

I think your prologue is good. The first sentence says descriptions of sexual violence and that is enough for me not want to give it a shot.

 

[ManwX]

Okay, I'll give my two coppers.

1.) Synopsis is too long. The parts that are written like a prologue should go somewhere else. I would suggest condensing it to a paragraph or two that points at the main themes of the story. I'm guessing: space travel, being the only human, and a cat.


The structure for the first paragraph is a bit backward. Things at the start of the sentence pop the most.
Suns rays (most important) -> sprawling metropolis (second important) -> vehicles zipping (third important) -> massive starship (least important)

I would suggest trying to rephrase that to have "massive starship" be much closer to the beginning of the paragraph.

Also, that action tag behind the dialogue is very long. It could be better if condensed and balanced.

One thing that I didn't find was a description of Gobo. Later it says that he is three feet tall but I think that should be moved up to before Gobo actually says anything.


I would suggest deleting the first sentence. It makes this paragraph seem like Alex's when it is actually Marie's. Also, saying "a fellow mechanic" twice in the same paragraph is redundant.


Marie's family?

My overall impression is that it needs to be tightened up. Some things are a bit vague as well. I would suggest moving the stuff about Alex wanting to explore to the first paragraphs or at least giving it some hints in the dialogue. My take away is that the hook is exploration but it is kinda hidden mid chapter.

One other thing: The alien races don't have names. There are at least 3 different characters from different races so at the very least they should have names. Eventually, they should have traits that set them apart from humans but it doesn't need to come out until it is important. But names are a must.

I think your prologue is good. The first sentence says descriptions of sexual violence and that is enough for me not want to give it a shot.

Thanks for the feedback. i edited the mistakes out. As for gobo's features, I just left them out because his race and features will be in another chapter.

 

[Ge-O-Fey]

Hellossu!
I would like you to take a look at my story. There's only one chapter for now, but if you're interested I would really appreciate a feedback.

Infinity Seed | Scribble Hub

Thanks for reading

 

[melchi]

Hellossu!
I would like you to take a look at my story. There's only one chapter for now, but if you're interested I would really appreciate a feedback.

Infinity Seed | Scribble Hub

Thanks for reading

First off -1 for copy pasting the same message in several feedback threads. I don't appreciate such bot-like behavior.

I looked at the synopsis. It is not bad, but I would suggest condensing it.

As for the first chapter, I couldn't finish it. My suggestion would be to focus on answering the question. Why should a reader read this novel? An author is asking for someones time.

First taste of the story from my perspective goes.

Lots of stuff in passive voice... -1
Internal monologue -1
Needlessly extended sentences with lots of commas -1
Writing gibberish in dialogue -1 (Some of us use screen readers, &@!#---$**^&!! doesn't narrate well)
Un-tagged dialogue -1 (Doing this in a chain leads to talking head syndrome)

My suggestion would be to start with the fairy and work for there.

@Story_Marc has some good videos about passive voice when and when not to use it.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

First off -1 for copy pasting the same message in several feedback threads. I don't appreciate such bot-like behavior.

LOL
Also bump

 

[Ge-O-Fey]

First off -1 for copy pasting the same message in several feedback threads. I don't appreciate such bot-like behavior.

I looked at the synopsis. It is not bad, but I would suggest condensing it.

As for the first chapter, I couldn't finish it. My suggestion would be to focus on answering the question. Why should a reader read this novel? An author is asking for someones time.

First taste of the story from my perspective goes.

Lots of stuff in passive voice... -1
Internal monologue -1
Needlessly extended sentences with lots of commas -1
Writing gibberish in dialogue -1 (Some of us use screen readers, &@!#---$**^&!! doesn't narrate well)
Un-tagged dialogue -1 (Doing this in a chain leads to talking head syndrome)

My suggestion would be to start with the fairy and work for there.

@Story_Marc has some good videos about passive voice when and when not to use it.

Sorry for copy-pasting in several feedback threads. I'm quite desperate for feedbacks. Yes, I know it's shameful especially when I have only posted a single chapter. I will refrain from doing so for now.

Firstly, Thanks for reading!!

I hope you will have enough time to answer some questions of mine as well.

Then...

When you say condensing the synopsis... Does that mean that there's too much info in there? Well as long as it's not bad I'm fine with it for now.

Concerning the question: Why should a reader read this novel? I thought it was the purpose of the synopsis? My main focus with this chapter (who is a prologue btw) was to "introduce" the main character and throw some hints for later.

Now about your chapter's feedback:
When you say passive voice, if it's not too much to ask, I would really like if you can give me some examples of where you found them. I thought I hunted them all down. Seems like I failed.

And I would like to know why is an internal monologue bad as a first chapter? Many stories that I like and who are somewhat popular begins like that...

Extended sentences... Nothing to say here. I'm still trying to figure out when to use commas or not.

As for the gibberish dialogue, I wanted to express something that can't be heard, like when an alien try to say some nasty things but the human brain can't process what the person heard... It was the only mean I thought about. If there's a better way for doing this I'm all ears.

Un-tagged dialogue : There's only two characters in there so I thought it would be easy to know who is speaking. Plus many people told me to refrain from using too much tags in dialogues. So, again if you can kindly show some examples of where it becomes difficult to understand I will really apprecialte it.

Starting with the fairy seems like a good idea, but I can't do that. She will not appear for a while. I think it might not be a good idea to begin with her as the lead for the first chapter.

Again, thank you for reading!!

 

[melchi]

When you say condensing the synopsis... Does that mean that there's too much info in there?

It is not a question of too much info vs too little. While less is more in this case. In my opinion a variation of just the last paragraph would be enough. Oddly, there is no mention of fairies.

Those guys are real walking enigmas. Their minds and magic, akin to hole-ridden cheese, brim with irrationality. They are chaotic, and predicting their actions is an arduous challenge requiring a prudent assumption that the worst outcome lurked at every encounter.

This entire paragraph is passive. Mostly, anything that has a variation of "to be" is in passive voice.

Those guys are real walking enigmas.

Passive

Encountering them was extremely rare.

Passive

It is not bad to use passive it doing several paragraphs in succession is a bit much for my taste. Story_marc has a good tutorial about when to use it.

The first five paragraphs are passive / info dump ish.

Usually, I would hastily dive into my bed.

This is the first showing instead of telling.

And I would like to know why is an internal monologue bad as a first chapter? Many stories that I like and who are somewhat popular begins like that...

Just because they are popular has nothing to do with the fact that I feel that they cause the pacing to nose dive.

Un-tagged dialogue : There's only two characters in there so I thought it would be easy to know who is speaking. Plus many people told me to refrain from using too much tags in dialogues. So, again if you can kindly show some examples of where it becomes difficult to understand I will really apprecialte it.

I'm going to disagree with these people typing "Ash said" is almost invisible to readers. It adds clarity, and sacrificing clarity is never a good trade off IMO.

As for the gibberish dialogue, I wanted to express something that can't be heard

Maybe use letters instead of symbols then? Because no matter the reason, putting stuff like $*(&#~ in a medium that visual impaired can consume is a slap in the face to anyone that needs to use a screen reader.

 

[Ge-O-Fey]

Hellossu!
Thank you for answering!!

In my opinion a variation of just the last paragraph would be enough. Oddly, there is no mention of fairies.

Understood. I will see what I can do about this.

This entire paragraph is passive. Mostly, anything that has a variation of "to be" is in passive voice.

Err... I'm not sure about this. That's not how I remember what passive voice is. Anyway, I agree that using "to be" seems bad. But here, the character is stating facts. I don't think there's many ways to stat facts without using "to be".

The first five paragraphs are passive / info dump ish.

Yeah. My mistake here.

Just because they are popular has nothing to do with the fact that I feel that they cause the pacing to nose dive.

Okay. I'm just a little curious. How can the pacing nose dive if it's slow from the beginning?

I'm going to disagree with these people typing "Ash said" is almost invisible to readers. It adds clarity, and sacrificing clarity is never a good trade off IMO.

I didn't say it's invisible. Just that too much becomes irritating. As of clarity issues, I found a few way to solve them. Like describing things in a paragraph between two dialogues, or things like that. Like:

Hence, I flicked her side.
“Ow!”
“See? You already fell.”
“That’s not fair! You took me by surprise!” protested the fiery munchkin as she clutched her side; leaving the other one open.
“Hyaa!!!”
I poked next her open side with a light touch of my index. [What a wonderful scream. Even more melodious than big sis’. I wanna hear more. ]

Does this dialogue lack clarity? There's only two people talking here. And I thought with the action descriptions it's easy to tell who said what.

Maybe use letters instead of symbols then? Because no matter the reason, putting stuff like $*(&#~ in a medium that visual impaired can consume is a slap in the face to anyone that needs to use a screen reader.

Well, I didn't want anyone to read those characters. Letters will not work. It's possible to imagine the sound even when they are a mess. Here I want to express something that people doesn't even know how it sounds like. Oh, and I'm sorry for the visual impaired people. (By the way are you one yourself? You sound like one.) It didn't cross my mind that people with those issues would read my work on a website. I mainly write for myself first, after all. Still I will think about what to do for them.

Again thanks for your feedbacks. I learned a few things about my writings that I haven't noticed. I will try to fix errors when I plan to edit my writings.
Have a good day!

 

[Althaea]

Guys, I'm extremely new to writing. I'd appreciate ever tiny morsel of feedback given, Thanks!

Amaranthine Soul

(Reposted on Royal Road by the same title with the username HanAlthaea) Tldr: Zayn is at first glance an normal young lad, barely breaching his teens. When faced with the deadly disease—Hymic Bloom, the only hope for a cure is to attend Foxguard Academy, a death-trap. At this junction...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[melchi]

Guys, I'm extremely new to writing. I'd appreciate ever tiny morsel of feedback given, Thanks!

Amaranthine Soul

(Reposted on Royal Road by the same title with the username HanAlthaea) Tldr: Zayn is at first glance an normal young lad, barely breaching his teens. When faced with the deadly disease—Hymic Bloom, the only hope for a cure is to attend Foxguard Academy, a death-trap. At this junction...

www.scribblehub.com

Death, waived away with but a tea-cup's weight of gold exchanging hands

The first sentence is a sentence fragment. There are places and ways to use sentence fragments but the first sentence of a synopsis is a rather risky move.

Also, I have no idea what this story is about from the synopsis. I would suggest less fancy wording / prose and more clarity. The length is good but without clarity it just comes across as confusion.

... the physicians said while shaking his head.

and later

The physician held Zayn by the shoulders, stilling him

Physicians or physicians? The very first sentence has some inconsistencies with plurality.

I'm stopping right there because I can already tell that my verdict is going to be one shamelessly stolen from @TheTrinary

--Back to Basics--

This reads like a first draft. Some of the mistakes are so simple a word processor should be pointing them out.

 

[HelloHound]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

fresh off my rewrite! hopefully it's better with immersion now

 

[TheTrinary]

The first sentence is a sentence fragment. There are places and ways to use sentence fragments but the first sentence of a synopsis is a rather risky move.

Also, I have no idea what this story is about from the synopsis. I would suggest less fancy wording / prose and more clarity. The length is good but without clarity it just comes across as confusion.


and later

Physicians or physicians? The very first sentence has some inconsistencies with plurality.

I'm stopping right there because I can already tell that my verdict is going to be one shamelessly stolen from @TheTrinary

--Back to Basics--

This reads like a first draft. Some of the mistakes are so simple a word processor should be pointing them out.

Hooray, I am a niche web novel website staple.

 

[melchi]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

fresh off my rewrite! hopefully it's better with immersion now

First: Your synopsis is really good. +1

I can't think of anything to complain about. It is focused on the kind of story but doesn't go into so much detail that I feel like I should be taking notes. It is very easy to understand. Good job.

Second: The first chapter is a bit too short for me. My screen reader says it is 5min and 48 seconds. I really like the chapters to be at least 15 minutes because it is more enjoyable if I can do something while listening to the chapter.

Third: Parallel language. -1

This gets used twice in the first chapter.

...horrible sounds erupt from my throat as a thick black sludge...
...my throat burning and my mouth numb as I unblinkingly watch the puke...

Writing - [Tutorial] Writing ACTION 2: The Plug & Play Method

Writing Action Scenes: The Plug & Play Method Writing ACTION 2 ☕ WARNING! This tutorial is NOT meant for those do Creative Writing. This essay was originally written for writers seeking to be professionally published authors. As a multi-published author, I have been taught some fairly rigid...

forum.scribblehub.com

To quote Ookami:

“As” means; “things that happened simultaneously.”
“And” means; “this happened too.”

In Fiction NOTHING is truly simultaneous because the eye READS only one word at a time. The only things that can actually be counted as simultaneous in written fiction are groups of things.

Prose like this breaks the mental movie of a reader.

Fourth: Paragraphing problem -1

I blink awake to the resounding screech of wood against wood and a dark figure standing in the doorway against a distant light. From the part of the door not covered by the stranger, I can see a cobblestone street, with people and carts moving sluggishly in the darkening light of day. The figure moves further in and I can recognize the stranger as a woman. The woman, carrying several satchels on her shoulders, shrugging them off onto the table. The table is unhappy about her decision to use it and groans as it rocks lightly with the cargo aboard.

Each actor should get their own paragraph. "The figure" should be a separate paragraph.

Kinda on the fence for the first chapter. For one, I really would like to know why she's barfing black cubes. On the other side, having no meaningful interactions because of the language barrier means that the plot barely advances at all, which gives me pause.

 

[HelloHound]

First: Your synopsis is really good. +1

I can't think of anything to complain about. It is focused on the kind of story but doesn't go into so much detail that I feel like I should be taking notes. It is very easy to understand. Good job.

Second: The first chapter is a bit too short for me. My screen reader says it is 5min and 48 seconds. I really like the chapters to be at least 15 minutes because it is more enjoyable if I can do something while listening to the chapter.

Third: Parallel language. -1

This gets used twice in the first chapter.

Writing - [Tutorial] Writing ACTION 2: The Plug & Play Method

Writing Action Scenes: The Plug & Play Method Writing ACTION 2 ☕ WARNING! This tutorial is NOT meant for those do Creative Writing. This essay was originally written for writers seeking to be professionally published authors. As a multi-published author, I have been taught some fairly rigid...

forum.scribblehub.com

To quote Ookami:

Prose like this breaks the mental movie of a reader.

Fourth: Paragraphing problem -1

Each actor should get their own paragraph. "The figure" should be a separate paragraph.

Kinda on the fence for the first chapter. For one, I really would like to know why she's barfing black cubes. On the other side, having no meaningful interactions because of the language barrier means that the plot barely advances at all, which gives me pause.

thanks for your guidance and thoughts- I'm also annoyed at my short chapters from time to time but considering my brain I count it good if they just exist...I'll look over the chapter again and see what I can do as soon as I can focus for longer than a minute. Thanks again!

 

[melchi]

I could really use that bluntness. I am a new writer in need of feedback. Thank you

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

1.) Noticed that average length of chapters are 1500 so this is good.
2.) There are 11 chapters posted today. Scribblehub with flag this as spamming and it'll not show up on the new chapters list if more than 3 a day are posted. Considering new chapters on the front page are the biggest source of new readers this is a bad thing to do.
3.) This has a romance tag... I generally don't like romance novels so you'd be better off finding someone else that enjoys them more. In fact the original post says this.
4.) The synopsis doesn't really say anything. Is the chief the main character?
"Darkness visiting the world" -> vague...
"Sacrifice of a little boy?" -> no context so this doesn't really mean anything to a new reader.
"Who is really in control and who is a pawn?" -> same as above, try to picture what a new reader would want to know when considering this novel as opposed to another one.
There are 4 named characters in the synopsis...I feel like I should be taking notes... this is a bad sign. Who is the main character? (Unclear)

In conclusion, this lacks clarity. Ambiguity is bad, I would suggest rewrite and starting the synopsis over again with a focus on clear concise sentences that give the reader an idea of what kind of a story they are considering getting into.