I've seen it. It's mid. Terrible. Like someone saying "hehe I got a snuff film here that you can't stomach" and it's just The Last House on the Left remake.
I've seen it. It's mid. Terrible. Like someone saying "hehe I got a snuff film here that you can't stomach" and it's just The Last House on the Left remake.
Honestly I felt the Pico series needed a 4th episode to bring the story full-circle but I found coco to be an interesting character. However, in the end the Pico serious is not as good as Super Lovers. It is atleast slightly better than Papa To Kiss in the Dark though. Anyways thank you for your time and feedback.
Honestly I felt the Pico series needed a 4th episide to bring the story full-circle but I found coco to be an interesting character. However, in the end the Pico serious is not as good as Super Lovers. It is atleast slightly better than Papa To Kiss in the Dark though. Anyways thank you for your time and feedback.
I have never written a sex scene before until now ( much less a Yaoi Shotacon Threesome ) and I desperately need feedback on the scene so I can improve and get better. Would any of you please be willing to read the chapter and then tell me what you think? It would mean the world to me. The chapter in question is the most recent chapter ( In-Flight Happy Meal ) of my story the Eternal Chronicles: The Long Dark Road. Please please help me.
Well, since nobody wanted to volunteer, I decided to read your chapter and give you my feedback. I think you were too focusing on the actions when instead you should focus on the characters' emotions and feelings. It also doesn't seem like a shotacon smut tbh. Take a grain of salt with my feedback because I'm not the greatest smut writer out there.
Well, since nobody wanted to volunteer, I decided to read your chapter and give you my feedback. I think you were too focusing on the actions when instead you should focus on the characters' emotions and feelings. It also doesn't seem like a shotacon smut tbh. Take a grain of salt with my feedback because I'm not the greatest smut writer out there.
Okay, I've read your chapter, b/c I was curious. I haven't read shotacon before, but from what I've read, I'm thinking that Ash is POV character. But during the three-way sex scene, some of the action beats get muddy to the point where I don't know who's doing what. Like this, for example:
Ash screams while sucking Aiden’s cock sending waves of pleasure reverberating through his shaft as Sota brutally rams into the young boy.
The POV gets muddy here, and I don't know who's getting rammed. I think it's Ash. Also, if Ash is sucking someone off, then how does he scream without choking? Make the action beats clearer with more direct sentences, and focus on Ash's POV, so there's no confusion. This one's the most confusing one, so I hope this helps.
Okay, I've read your chapter, b/c I was curious. I haven't read shotacon before, but from what I've read, I'm thinking that Ash is POV character. But during the three-way sex scene, some of the action beats get muddy to the point where I don't know who's doing what. Like this, for example:
Ash screams while sucking Aiden’s cock sending waves of pleasure reverberating through his shaft as Sota brutally rams into the young boy.
The POV gets muddy here, and I don't know who's getting rammed. I think it's Ash. Also, if Ash is sucking someone off, then how does he scream without choking? Make the action beats clearer with more direct sentences, and focus on Ash's POV, so there's no confusion. This one's the most confusing one, so I hope this helps.
Since I didn’t know the difference between shota and pedo I guess I went ahead and give it a go.
First I would say that you tried too hard to use descriptor words instead of actually showing.
deep passionate kiss of gratitude. Sota smiles as Aiden slaps his ass and gestures for him to go. He does as Aiden instructs and disappears.
what I mean by that is instead of using words like “gestures”, or “gratitude” (which doesn’t tell the reader much) you should describe the actual tongue action.
How hard the tongue pushes, what kind of motion it does, feeling hot, warm, tingling, are reactionary feelings that are associated with some positive connotation.
words with positive connotation help the reader know “the characters are enjoying it” without a direct tell of “they are enjoying” which is the difference between what I call smut and what some would call romance.
words elicit feeling, feeling helps the reader… spill batter, or release oxytocin depending on who the reader is.
secondly, you should try get rid of long dialogue. Use broken lines, or short lines unless it’s what the narrator is saying.
characters experiencing loss of control due to pleasure is usually a factor in whether the scene is good or not.
you had the characters use complete sentences in the middle of the activity, which shouldn’t happen if they’re really into it and losing control.
description of breathing, description of bodily contractions, shivering, things that actually happen during enjoyable sex is important.
forgive my grammar in this post as I have written it from my phone.
Since I didn’t know the difference between shota and pedo I guess I went ahead and give it a go.
First I would say that you tried too hard to use descriptor words instead of actually showing.
deep passionate kiss of gratitude. Sota smiles as Aiden slaps his ass and gestures for him to go. He does as Aiden instructs and disappears.
what I mean by that is instead of using words like “gestures”, or “gratitude” (which doesn’t tell the reader much) you should describe the actual tongue action.
How hard the tongue pushes, what kind of motion it does, feeling hot, warm, tingling, are reactionary feelings that are associated with some positive connotation.
words with positive connotation help the reader know “the characters are enjoying it” without a direct tell of “they are enjoying” which is the difference between what I call smut and what some would call romance.
words elicit feeling, feeling helps the reader… spill batter, or release oxytocin depending on who the reader is.
secondly, you should try get rid of long dialogue. Use broken lines, or short lines unless it’s what the narrator is saying.
characters experiencing loss of control due to pleasure is usually a factor in whether the scene is good or not.
you had the characters use complete sentences in the middle of the activity, which shouldn’t happen if they’re really into it and losing control.
description of breathing, description of bodily contractions, shivering, things that actually happen during enjoyable sex is important.
forgive my grammar in this post as I have written it from my phone.
No problem. Unfortunately shota yaoi does nothing for me so even if you did a great job I probably wouldn’t be a good gauge to use for how hot the scene was.
I was just pointing out what I usually don’t like seeing in a smut scene when I read/write myself.
If you have people who are into that type of pairing or scene then their reaction is more important, however if you decide to write other kinds of smut I wouldn’t mind giving more feedback.
No problem. Unfortunately shota yaoi does nothing for me so even if you did a great job I probably wouldn’t be a good gauge to use for how hot the scene was.
I was just pointing out what I usually don’t like seeing in a smut scene when I read/write myself.
If you have people who are into that type of pairing or scene then their reaction is more important, however if you decide to write other kinds of smut I wouldn’t mind giving more feedback.
Yeah, I understand. Thank you. I really do not write Smut exactly. However, most of my stories incorporate some level of Smut for either internal-narrative or meta-narrative purposes. I have no experience writing full-on sex scenes though so I am trying to practice them and get feedback so I can improve. I mostly focused on getting better at yaoi-sex scenes and yuri-sex scenes as they are the most relevant to my current stories.
Yeah, I understand. Thank you. I really do not write Smut exactly. However, most of my stories incorporate some level of Smut for either internal-narrative or meta-narrative purposes. I have no experience writing full-on sex scenes though so I am trying to practice them and get feedback so I can improve.
Well my story is full of smut, if you want examples. I use script-dialogue which I think also helps move the scene move faster.
The easier a scene is understood the faster readers can turn off their brain and enjoy the scene. @owotrucked also uses a form of script dialogue in some of his chapters but adds visuals from his drawings for another good example.
Smut writing is an art that many people don’t try and perfect.
Well my story is full of smut, if you want examples. I use script-dialogue which I think also helps move the scene move faster.
The easier a scene is understood the faster readers can turn off their brain and enjoy the scene. @owotrucked also uses a form of script dialogue in some of his chapters but adds visuals from his drawings for another good example.
Smut writing is an art that many people don’t try and perfect.
I really am trying. I really want to get this right but it is just hard for me and I know I have a very long way to go. However, I need to get better because my stories require it. Thank you so much for all the time and responses you are giving me.
Damn, every day we learn something new. I'm LGBT+ supportive but not pedophilia lmao but I still went ahead to give a try at reviewing that chapter you mentioned.
I braced my heart for anything that would happen but it seemed it was still out of my expectations. Alright. So I won't question things anymore and just give feedback as professionally as I can. (I can't read it word by word because of personal reasons, the words boy/smaller boy bothered me a lot)
1. I'm sure someone already said it but please make sure everyone participating in the sex scene is 18+ (because I'm really not sure if they are and I just gritted my teeth.) This is just to be sure you won't get in trouble. I'm not familiar with the exact rules of SH but I'm sure @Tony doesn't want pedophilia running rampant here.
2. You mentioned that you have never written sex scenes before. Now, my comment is entirely dependent on what you want to do with this story as I have no context whatsoever. If you wrote it just for smut or something to get raunchy by whoever will find it like that, I've seen lots of similar tones all over the internet so it probably passes the "just some random smut" standard (talking about not just yaoi stuff but also straight ones).
3. If you want this story to be 'not just some random smut' and be like one of those artistic smut stories or erotica, then you could expand your vocabulary and not just write c*ck a number of times. Use some other metaphors and shits. If you want to improve your smut, just improve your writing in general.
My non-religious ass got sent back to Jesus. Make sure you're following SH rules on NSFW. Passable as regular smut. Work on vocab if you and plotline if you want it to be artistic/erotica-ish.
Damn, every day we learn something new. I'm LGBT+ supportive but not pedophilia lmao but I still went ahead to give a try at reviewing that chapter you mentioned.
I braced my heart for anything that would happen but it seemed it was still out of my expectations. Alright. So I won't question things anymore and just give feedback as professionally as I can. (I can't read it word by word because of personal reasons, the words boy/smaller boy bothered me a lot)
1. I'm sure someone already said it but please make sure everyone participating in the sex scene is 18+ (because I'm really not sure if they are and I just gritted my teeth.) This is just to be sure you won't get in trouble. I'm not familiar with the exact rules of SH but I'm sure @Tony doesn't want pedophilia running rampant here.
2. You mentioned that you have never written sex scenes before. Now, my comment is entirely dependent on what you want to do with this story as I have no context whatsoever. If you wrote it just for smut or something to get raunchy by whoever will find it like that, I've seen lots of similar tones all over the internet so it probably passes the "just some random smut" standard (talking about not just yaoi stuff but also straight ones).
3. If you want this story to be 'not just some random smut' and be like one of those artistic smut stories or erotica, then you could expand your vocabulary and not just write c*ck a number of times. Use some other metaphors and shits. If you want to improve your smut, just improve your writing in general.
My non-religious ass got sent back to Jesus. Make sure you're following SH rules on NSFW. Passable as regular smut. Work on vocab if you and plotline if you want it to be artistic/erotica-ish.
That involves getting a high quality prostate massager, not some cucumber you bought in the grocery store on discount, and insert it anally as the manual tells you too.
Make sure to do it in complete darkness so that you can imagine you're a shota, make high pitched shota noises if you can't. Then imagine the high quality tool you're using to do the deed is the meat of your oppa, call him by name too when you're near orgasm to add romance to the entire situation.
