I might be wrong, but from what I can see, this seems like a feedback/self-promotion thread. I'm generally careful to not self-promote if it's not welcome, but from the other posts, this did not seem to be the case here. Regardless, feel free to leave feedback here. I appreciate your time.
You are wrong. It's a feedback thread, not a self-promote thread. And there are even rules. They are so simple, yet you come here and say,
Like smart MC's in a mafia setting? Check out (link). How should I react to this?
Like smart MC's in a mafia setting? Check out
DON!
Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter The Slighted Boy.
It's an unrevised, cringe, generic screenplay(script) for a webtoon that lacks all the details. Like, if it were a webtoon, all the necessary details would've been shown through the art instead of text. Thus it feels like I'm reading a bunch of very badly stitched tropes and cheap tricks to induce emotions in a reader(me).
The beginning is a wet dream of a fourteen years old edgy boy who had consumed so many harem romcoms that he now wants an MC with what he deems to be a 'spine'.
Why am I so harsh\rude? Well, let me elaborate.
"That's why I told you loudmouths to shut up!" And this is where I saw the first lousy usage of a trope. Why lousy? Because that old dude could've said this to his younger accomplices right from the get-go. What he says after that is cringe btw. Normal people don't talk like that. I mean that you could've phrased\worded it much better.
The most powerful gangster in the country!
and we idiots found this place to sell drugs!"
I've heard how much you despise drugs
AAAaaand despite knowing it, this old dude still chose to sell drugs here.
"Mr. Mayr. I had no idea this was your territory."
Okay, I can close my eyes that the right-hand man of the top executives of the organization didn't do any research and don't know the territory of
The most powerful gangster in the country!
But he didn't even beg for forgiveness?
In our simple minds, we thought it would be an easy place to make money without doing any further research."
Damn, being the right-hand man of the top executives of the organization = having a simple mind.
he barely made enough money to pay for living expenses. Because of this, moving to a completely new place with almost no money was too much of a financial risk. A cheap trick that is illogical. If their finances are so dire, do you know what would've happened? MC, his mother, or both would've started working as well. But there is a reason why she can't. Right?
She would always take an hour off from helping her husband at the restaurant when it was time for Soju to come home.
He gathered some clientele over the years, but due to the small size of his store, only having 2 tables,
She needs to help with two tables. TWO tables... this is... no comments.
"How was your day?"
She asked in a joyful voice.
His mom stared at his back as he left, feeling downhearted
because of all the hardships she knew her son would have to face.
His mom knows he is bullied yet she is joyful. No comments.
Another question from the same paragraphs. She knows that he is bullied. Why the fuck is he still bringing food to the school? He can't hide it from her, and by doing this he simply wastes the food. What the fuck is he doing?
But all those things I mentioned before are minor problems when compared to the next thing.
As they reached for the cutlet, Soju imagined his mom waking up early in the morning and cooking the best food they had in the house, and instead of eating it herself, choosing to give it to him.
Soju sprang towards the lunchbox and yelled "You can't have that!"
Okay, so here's the picture-perfect example of the problem I talked about in the beginning. If it was a webtoon, you would've probably foreshadowed this emotional outburst via the art. Showing sad faces of parents in flashbacks, overall showing emotions of MC and those bullies, showing small and minute details like how much love and other bullshit MC's mother poured into this meal, and so on. However, we got a problem here. It's not a webtoon.
In your text, you didn't write and show a single thing to a reader(me) to justify this. Have you shown emotions, like real emotions that I can believe? No. Have you described subtle body movements to help me picture the bullies? No. Have you described the bullies themselves? No. Do they look like bullies? No. Do they look like actual human beings? No. All I see is a very badly used trope, they are plot devices.
That's why it's at best funny, but I find it mostly dumb. If you have used money, though it's a much more overused trope, at least it's SOMEWHAT believable even on its own.
"How was the cutlet?" She asked. As soon as she asked this, Soju felt a pain in his chest I laughed here.
The 3 boys were tall, about
5 feet 10 each and well built. 5 feet 10 = tall. No comments.
Okay with this out of the way let's talk about your grammar. First things first, stop shifting the tenses all the time. I don't care if it's grammatically correct or not. Just stop.
Next are examples of typos.
The car steps about 40 meters from the warehouse. The car stops?
"You can't have that
!". A typo.
Soju was about 5 feet 8 inches tall and was quite
skinny This was mainly A typo? Did you forget the dot\period?
Next are examples of repetitions.
"Mr. Juts told us to make them regret what they did,"
One of them replied,
"I understand."
Mayr replied. A repetition.
Mayr put his hand up
and signalled the man to stop. Seeing
the signal, A repetition.
The boy slowly opened his eyes.
The boy had pale skin A repetition.
His house
was small. The bathroom
was small with a small toilet and bath. sat in front of
a small floor table All of it from the same paragraph. Small, small, small...
These are examples, which mean there are a LOT more repetitions in the text. Seriously, you should use a thesaurus and most importantly try to use different phrases.
Next are examples of weird phrases.
Mayr began to speak to start a conversation, Weird and kinda a repetition.
The look of horror on the faces of the men became worse and worse. Weirdly worded, you can phrase this much better.
"I understand." Mayr replied. The whole paragraph that starts with this sentence is weird.
And the last example isn't exactly weird.
They began to shake and their teeth began to clamp. Seriously? You could've actually described why and how they feel the fear, but you ended up using a cheap trick from a child's cartoon.
You also don't add enough details. You don't add necessary descriptions, while descriptions that are present in the text are of a subpar quality.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75-2 stars.
The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM
