Yet another free feedback thread.

[Zakuro]

 

[SailusGebel]

Hello there, new author here. Sorry for intruding, but i'm looking for someone who'd be Descriptive in their Criticism on reviews. Just released an Isekai story with contemporary setting, so it will include guns while also not deviating from swords and magic, maybe artillery too in the near future.
Genre is mainly Fantasy, Slice-of-Life, Comedy.
Story-pacing is in the middle, not too slow or fast, but it does starts from being a little child again, so things will be from basically Rudeus-wannabe.

It'd be appreciated if you were to give me your opinion on this, and if you can, be honest and constructive as possible as you could. That's it, thanks~.

Yet Another One : A Science-Fantasy Isekai

I want to be helpful and talk about your plot, characters, and everything else, but I can't force myself to read your work. I stopped reading after reading a tiny bit of Chapter 1 : Before The Dive (Pt.1/3). The reason for that is simple, even though English is my second language, you have way too many technical mistakes.

For starters, you don't capitalize the pronoun I, even in the synopsis.

Next, you have an enormous amount of grammar mistakes and typos.

Leaving these cattles behind There is no such word as 'cattles.'
how the cold still ges me Ges me? Maybe gets me?
I opened my eyes, and so i was greeted by the extravagant, melancholicly grim beauty of the landscape surrounding me. Maybe melancholic?
The blue-ish vegetations and trees There is no such word as vegetations.

And many, MANY more mistakes. Use Grammarly, google docs editor, or anything similar and see it for yourself.

Next, you have lots of weirdly phrased(worded) sentences.
Join with us into the world of Altaris, Join with us into? What?
Yet, they stay the same even after approaching one them to pet them. What?

Just like mistakes, there are a ton of weird sentences that are either phrased weirdly, incorrect, or don't make any sense.

You wanted to make some intentional mistakes. You are probably going to say this in a reply or think for yourself. However, before making intentional mistakes you must get rid of all(or at least the majority) the unintentional ones. A reader(me) can't discern between the two.
To the next problem.

*Drops down* *winds gushing* *Chews* *slams desk* and everything else in the asterisks. Get rid of it. You are writing a story, not a screenplay. Moreover, you are writing in a first-person POV, or 1st Person Perspective, whatever you want to call it.
Instead of this, write descriptions of the movement or sound from the perspective of the MC. If you can't write a description, you can use onomatopoeia, but don't use it as a crutch. Don't just change everything in the asterisks with onomatopoeias.

Your tenses shift all the time. And judging by all the other things I've seen, I think this is a mistake.

Your paragraphing is really bad.

I don't understand why you use brackets, and the way you use brackets is weird.
(Oops, looks like i was too immersed on the feelings, so i let my hands go from the fluffs.

Sorry, but my stomachs calling, maybe later again)
Why do you write this in brackets if you split it into two paragraphs? What's the point in this?

And lastly, the thing that made me stop reading.
"(annoyed) Hu~h? What's the matter, you sai- You sleeping on the job is the matter! The thing that I highlighted in bold is outrageous. As I said, you are not writing a screenplay(at least I assume this). How did you even think of showing emotion by writing it in brackets!? I don't even know what to say to this, it's so wrong. You should show emotions through body language or at least describe it in the text, not in the brackets.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.25 stars if not less. It's really bad on a technical level. I strongly advise you to use some kind of an editor to see it for yourself.

 

[Vaas13]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Read my shit please just 3 chapters so far-https://www.scribblehub.com/series/546088/pete-ink/

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi! I would also like a review. I want it here. Thank you in advance! (I want to mention that I am in the process of editing (the last chapter was not edited at all), so I am sorry for the eventual mistakes.)
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/536925/under-thanatos-gaze/

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter An Old Story of a Witch (1) and skimmed through the rest.

I will start my feedback with something rather strange. I usually don't care about this, but I can't stop myself from mentioning it to you, maybe because your case is more severe.

Names. Your naming sense is strange, and I'm even going to say wrong. Why do I think so? It's easy to explain. Fyodor is a Russian name, Naavah is a Hebrew name, Dargan is an Irish name, Thanatos is obviously Greek, and then we got common names like Linda and Scarlett. Why is it bad(in my opinion)? Because names are a part of worldbuilding. You start your story with a part of Greek mythology. Then comes the first chapter, and there is nothing that can help me understand the setting\worldbuilding of the story. I can only guess.

What do you think about Fyodor's last request? (to tell him what she wants from her husband) Because of what I mentioned before, there is no way to answer this question at the end of your chapter. I can't say if he is bold or if it's normal to act like that.

Obviously, Names aren't the only thing that makes the world of a story. However, it's a big part. For example, if you've only used Greek names, I would've assumed that the story transpires in Greece. In your story, there was nothing besides the names, the title Duke, a mirror, and a cape. These are the only parts of worldbuilding, but considering there is a fantasy in your genres, I literally can't assume anything.

You probably wanted names with meanings, but it doesn't work with current chapters. Balance them somehow and try to use names from one or at least similar languages for countrymen.

Now to another problem. Your paragraphing. Most of the time, there are literally zero reasons for those big, clunky paragraphs, and you can easily split them into smaller paragraphs.

An example from the chapter Breaking Down Barriers (3).
It was the most desired moment of the whole day, that is, seeing her future husband again, especially after she realized how well the dress fit her. However, she wasn’t the only one impatient for the reunion.

When Fyodor saw Naavah, his heart began to beat as if it would burst out from his chest. He was proud to be this woman’s husband.

Initially, it was a single paragraph and it was much longer, but I only took part from the middle. I'm a shit author, so maybe you want to split it a bit differently. Nevertheless, it's still easy to split.

Yet another problem is weird phrases. Well, not exactly weird, but your phrasing isn't the best and sometimes is somewhat illogical.

Examples.
On his back was a sack with another cruel-looking body. I've never seen the phrase 'cruel-looking body.' Something like grotesque or even malformed would've been much better to convey your thought.

Looking at the girl’s face, he saw how the brown shade of her eyes was changing into a red one like they were becoming a garnet stone. Eyes becoming one garnet stone? Maybe make it plural? Her eyes which were changing into a shade of red looked almost like two garnet stones. I'm not saying the way I wrote is better, but I don't like it when you talk about eyeS and then mention one garnet stone.

She wanted to believe that maybe fate would smile upon her once in her life; thus, it did not happen. The usage of 'thus' is illogical. Thus has a meaning as a result or consequence of this. In the context of the whole paragraph, it doesn't make sense.

The latest was more likely, in his opinion. Maybe use the latter?

She nodded her head with barely perceptible movements and could think of nothing but the fact that the sight of her eyes made him feel sick and disgusted. In my opinion, the end of this sentence is worded somewhat poorly.

Naavah just hoped that her future actions would not be wrong, not embarrass the Duke of Wintkrim. 'Not embarrass' sounds off. In my opinion, something like 'that she would not embarrass' sounds better.

And lastly, and most importantly.
Otherwise you will be our burden forever! And I'm tired of seeing you in the house. Actually, it's not simply two sentences here, but the whole paragraph. It's not weird or wrong per se, but it can be better. Scarlett hates MC, so the fact that she says 'And I'm tired of seeing you' isn't believable. With the way you wrote it, it sounds like a passing remark or even worse, like she isn't a character but an undisguised plot device that serves the purpose of telling MC's background.

An example of how I would like to see it.
Gosh, I'm so tired of seeing you in this house, lying ill in your bed every day. But if you marry him, you will stop being our burden. So remember to... And then you continue to write about flirting and whatnot. Again, I'm not saying what I wrote is perfect. I just want to show a direction.

Chapter An Old Story of a Witch (1)
The dialogue in that chapter isn't very believable. It was established that MC is shy while the maid allows herself way too much. She is a maid, how can she openly talk about sex with the lady of the house? And the maid even admitted to talking about this with other servants. I get it that she is probably in that kind of close relationship with the master. I mean that the duke doesn't treat his servant roughly and trusts them and so on. But MC is shy, and the way she talks doesn't fit her personality.

It partially comes from the previous problem. The way you phrase\word your sentences. Sometimes they lack emotions, thus it's hard to discern their personality. So, when you describe the said personality, but the character talks emotionless it affects the story negatively.
Despite all of this, it was easy to read. All the 'weird' phrases aren't that weird, and sometimes it was me being picky. I also didn't notice any grammar mistakes.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3 stars. Your story probably won't be popular on SH as it's for the ladies. There is smut in your genres, your MC is female, and there is no GL and GB. This combo is very unpopular. So, I advise you to start posting on other sites. I heard Wattpad caters to the ladies. I'm not saying stop posting on SH, but you should definitely look at other sites.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

You can read this one https://www.scribblehub.com/series/544496/my-sister-my-savior/ roast me in thread please.

 

[Yetano]

I want to be helpful and talk about your plot, characters, and everything else, but I can't force myself to read your work. I stopped reading after reading a tiny bit of Chapter 1 : Before The Dive (Pt.1/3). The reason for that is simple, even though English is my second language, you have way too many technical mistakes.

For starters, you don't capitalize the pronoun I, even in the synopsis.

Next, you have an enormous amount of grammar mistakes and typos.

Leaving these cattles behind There is no such word as 'cattles.'
how the cold still ges me Ges me? Maybe gets me?
I opened my eyes, and so i was greeted by the extravagant, melancholicly grim beauty of the landscape surrounding me. Maybe melancholic?
The blue-ish vegetations and trees There is no such word as vegetations.

And many, MANY more mistakes. Use Grammarly, google docs editor, or anything similar and see it for yourself.

Next, you have lots of weirdly phrased(worded) sentences.
Join with us into the world of Altaris, Join with us into? What?
Yet, they stay the same even after approaching one them to pet them. What?

Just like mistakes, there are a ton of weird sentences that are either phrased weirdly, incorrect, or don't make any sense.

You wanted to make some intentional mistakes. You are probably going to say this in a reply or think for yourself. However, before making intentional mistakes you must get rid of all(or at least the majority) the unintentional ones. A reader(me) can't discern between the two.
To the next problem.

*Drops down* *winds gushing* *Chews* *slams desk* and everything else in the asterisks. Get rid of it. You are writing a story, not a screenplay. Moreover, you are writing in a first-person POV, or 1st Person Perspective, whatever you want to call it.
Instead of this, write descriptions of the movement or sound from the perspective of the MC. If you can't write a description, you can use onomatopoeia, but don't use it as a crutch. Don't just change everything in the asterisks with onomatopoeias.

Your tenses shift all the time. And judging by all the other things I've seen, I think this is a mistake.

Your paragraphing is really bad.

I don't understand why you use brackets, and the way you use brackets is weird.
(Oops, looks like i was too immersed on the feelings, so i let my hands go from the fluffs.

Sorry, but my stomachs calling, maybe later again)
Why do you write this in brackets if you split it into two paragraphs? What's the point in this?

And lastly, the thing that made me stop reading.
"(annoyed) Hu~h? What's the matter, you sai- You sleeping on the job is the matter! The thing that I highlighted in bold is outrageous. As I said, you are not writing a screenplay(at least I assume this). How did you even think of showing emotion by writing it in brackets!? I don't even know what to say to this, it's so wrong. You should show emotions through body language or at least describe it in the text, not in the brackets.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.25 stars if not less. It's really bad on a technical level. I strongly advise you to use some kind of an editor to see it for yourself.

...Well i needed that, i'll think on what's to fix after i finish the 1st Volume of this.
Duly noted, though it'll take some time to apply it into them. Thanks for that, man!

 

[SailusGebel]

Read my shit please just 3 chapters so far-https://www.scribblehub.com/series/546088/pete-ink/

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing CH 1-Pete Ink The Convict and skimmed through the rest.

It's hard to understand and immature.

I didn't notice a lot of typos, but I did notice that you have capitalization problems. A couple of examples.

I open my eyes to see the rusty prison bars, In solitary confinement, Chains around my arms and Legs, I can hardly move not even granted the basic dignity to wipe my ass. Why are you capitalizing words after commas?

out loud SHUT UP! no one cares about your struggle just grow up. Here, you don't capitalize the start of a new sentence.

You also have paragraphing issues and punctuation problems.

Yet the main problem is, that you constantly shift pov from third person to first person without proper setups. You just do it in the middle of the text from out of nowhere.
In pure disappointment of what I'm being forced to do, I can't help but chuckle. First-person POV.

Pete visibly annoyed tries to end the conversation but out of slight fear of what he's getting himself into he tries to bargain after-all they are threatening the thing he holds most dear, his "peace of mind". Third-person POV.

And you didn't fix it later on. CH 4- The Crew P1
As Pete tosses Tommy the gun, "see that's a smart guy right there. " Third-person POV.

In the midst of a desert, the only things in my field of vision are a spaceship, numerous crates of equipment, 4 crew members gathered in one location, and the other crew member using his laptop while sitting on one of the crates, and the dead soldiers I just shot. First-person POV.

Because of that, I simply can't understand a thing. It's not hard to understand because you wanted it to be mysterious or some other bullshit. It's because your writing is bad. And you know it yourself.

As I(Pete) step closer to him to shake his hand I put the gun on safety and tuck it into my belt, foolish but the only way to gain their trust. This is a prime example of you admitting that your writing is bad. You understand it yourself that readers won't be able to tell whose pov it is, so you add it in brackets.

But it's not the last problem. Not only do you constantly switch POVs in the middle of the scene constantly, but you also forget to properly tag dialogue lines and thoughts. I AM A PRISONER! IS THAT NOT ILLEGAL?? Enraged Pete Shouts. If Pete shouts, you should've added quotation marks(this ")

The dialogues are shitty. As an example let's talk about this dialogue.
"Well, what can we use him for", the governor says.
"Well, he acts as if he has mental instabilities but from what I've gained he's the perfect subject for Operation Red." They both start talking with 'Well.' Even if people might do it, you don't do it in the book, at least not like that.

And lastly, your 'deep philosophy.' It's immature, to say the least.
"Money isn't a problem Mr. Ink we can always print more."

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.25 stars if not less. It's really bad on a technical level and very immature.

 

[Snowyflakes]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter An Old Story of a Witch (1) and skimmed through the rest.

I will start my feedback with something rather strange. I usually don't care about this, but I can't stop myself from mentioning it to you, maybe because your case is more severe.

Names. Your naming sense is strange, and I'm even going to say wrong. Why do I think so? It's easy to explain. Fyodor is a Russian name, Naavah is a Hebrew name, Dargan is an Irish name, Thanatos is obviously Greek, and then we got common names like Linda and Scarlett. Why is it bad(in my opinion)? Because names are a part of worldbuilding. You start your story with a part of Greek mythology. Then comes the first chapter, and there is nothing that can help me understand the setting\worldbuilding of the story. I can only guess.

What do you think about Fyodor's last request? (to tell him what she wants from her husband) Because of what I mentioned before, there is no way to answer this question at the end of your chapter. I can't say if he is bold or if it's normal to act like that.

Obviously, Names aren't the only thing that makes the world of a story. However, it's a big part. For example, if you've only used Greek names, I would've assumed that the story transpires in Greece. In your story, there was nothing besides the names, the title Duke, a mirror, and a cape. These are the only parts of worldbuilding, but considering there is a fantasy in your genres, I literally can't assume anything.

You probably wanted names with meanings, but it doesn't work with current chapters. Balance them somehow and try to use names from one or at least similar languages for countrymen.

Now to another problem. Your paragraphing. Most of the time, there are literally zero reasons for those big, clunky paragraphs, and you can easily split them into smaller paragraphs.

An example from the chapter Breaking Down Barriers (3).
It was the most desired moment of the whole day, that is, seeing her future husband again, especially after she realized how well the dress fit her. However, she wasn’t the only one impatient for the reunion.

When Fyodor saw Naavah, his heart began to beat as if it would burst out from his chest. He was proud to be this woman’s husband.

Initially, it was a single paragraph and it was much longer, but I only took part from the middle. I'm a shit author, so maybe you want to split it a bit differently. Nevertheless, it's still easy to split.

Yet another problem is weird phrases. Well, not exactly weird, but your phrasing isn't the best and sometimes is somewhat illogical.

Examples.
On his back was a sack with another cruel-looking body. I've never seen the phrase 'cruel-looking body.' Something like grotesque or even malformed would've been much better to convey your thought.

Looking at the girl’s face, he saw how the brown shade of her eyes was changing into a red one like they were becoming a garnet stone. Eyes becoming one garnet stone? Maybe make it plural? Her eyes which were changing into a shade of red looked almost like two garnet stones. I'm not saying the way I wrote is better, but I don't like it when you talk about eyeS and then mention one garnet stone.

She wanted to believe that maybe fate would smile upon her once in her life; thus, it did not happen. The usage of 'thus' is illogical. Thus has a meaning as a result or consequence of this. In the context of the whole paragraph, it doesn't make sense.

The latest was more likely, in his opinion. Maybe use the latter?

She nodded her head with barely perceptible movements and could think of nothing but the fact that the sight of her eyes made him feel sick and disgusted. In my opinion, the end of this sentence is worded somewhat poorly.

Naavah just hoped that her future actions would not be wrong, not embarrass the Duke of Wintkrim. 'Not embarrass' sounds off. In my opinion, something like 'that she would not embarrass' sounds better.

And lastly, and most importantly.
Otherwise you will be our burden forever! And I'm tired of seeing you in the house. Actually, it's not simply two sentences here, but the whole paragraph. It's not weird or wrong per se, but it can be better. Scarlett hates MC, so the fact that she says 'And I'm tired of seeing you' isn't believable. With the way you wrote it, it sounds like a passing remark or even worse, like she isn't a character but an undisguised plot device that serves the purpose of telling MC's background.

An example of how I would like to see it.
Gosh, I'm so tired of seeing you in this house, lying ill in your bed every day. But if you marry him, you will stop being our burden. So remember to... And then you continue to write about flirting and whatnot. Again, I'm not saying what I wrote is perfect. I just want to show a direction.

Chapter An Old Story of a Witch (1)
The dialogue in that chapter isn't very believable. It was established that MC is shy while the maid allows herself way too much. She is a maid, how can she openly talk about sex with the lady of the house? And the maid even admitted to talking about this with other servants. I get it that she is probably in that kind of close relationship with the master. I mean that the duke doesn't treat his servant roughly and trusts them and so on. But MC is shy, and the way she talks doesn't fit her personality.

It partially comes from the previous problem. The way you phrase\word your sentences. Sometimes they lack emotions, thus it's hard to discern their personality. So, when you describe the said personality, but the character talks emotionless it affects the story negatively.
Despite all of this, it was easy to read. All the 'weird' phrases aren't that weird, and sometimes it was me being picky. I also didn't notice any grammar mistakes.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3 stars. Your story probably won't be popular on SH as it's for the ladies. There is smut in your genres, your MC is female, and there is no GL and GB. This combo is very unpopular. So, I advise you to start posting on other sites. I heard Wattpad caters to the ladies. I'm not saying stop posting on SH, but you should definitely look at other sites.

Thank you for your feedback!

Names & Worldbuilding - Yes, I wanted names with meanings, and when I did my research, I found out the origins as well. However, the names' origins are irrelevant to the worldbuilding. I also chose not to provide too much relevant information about the world at the beginning. I will present more details a little later in the story. But I will think if I will or will not change this aspect. (Homework )

Paragraphing & Phrases - I agree with you. I am still in the process of editing, which includes rephrasing, changing the way I had paragraphed, and more. Thank you for the advice!

Dialogue - Hmmm, I had never thought about it. I wanted to express something different, so I have to work more at this. Thank you for pointing this out!

 

[Vaas13]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing CH 1-Pete Ink The Convict and skimmed through the rest.

It's hard to understand and immature.

I didn't notice a lot of typos, but I did notice that you have capitalization problems. A couple of examples.

I open my eyes to see the rusty prison bars, In solitary confinement, Chains around my arms and Legs, I can hardly move not even granted the basic dignity to wipe my ass. Why are you capitalizing words after commas?

out loud SHUT UP! no one cares about your struggle just grow up. Here, you don't capitalize the start of a new sentence.

You also have paragraphing issues and punctuation problems.

Yet the main problem is, that you constantly shift pov from third person to first person without proper setups. You just do it in the middle of the text from out of nowhere.
In pure disappointment of what I'm being forced to do, I can't help but chuckle. First-person POV.

Pete visibly annoyed tries to end the conversation but out of slight fear of what he's getting himself into he tries to bargain after-all they are threatening the thing he holds most dear, his "peace of mind". Third-person POV.

And you didn't fix it later on. CH 4- The Crew P1
As Pete tosses Tommy the gun, "see that's a smart guy right there. " Third-person POV.

In the midst of a desert, the only things in my field of vision are a spaceship, numerous crates of equipment, 4 crew members gathered in one location, and the other crew member using his laptop while sitting on one of the crates, and the dead soldiers I just shot. First-person POV.

Because of that, I simply can't understand a thing. It's not hard to understand because you wanted it to be mysterious or some other bullshit. It's because your writing is bad. And you know it yourself.

As I(Pete) step closer to him to shake his hand I put the gun on safety and tuck it into my belt, foolish but the only way to gain their trust. This is a prime example of you admitting that your writing is bad. You understand it yourself that readers won't be able to tell whose pov it is, so you add it in brackets.

But it's not the last problem. Not only do you constantly switch POVs in the middle of the scene constantly, but you also forget to properly tag dialogue lines and thoughts. I AM A PRISONER! IS THAT NOT ILLEGAL?? Enraged Pete Shouts. If Pete shouts, you should've added quotation marks(this ")

The dialogues are shitty. As an example let's talk about this dialogue.
"Well, what can we use him for", the governor says.
"Well, he acts as if he has mental instabilities but from what I've gained he's the perfect subject for Operation Red." They both start talking with 'Well.' Even if people might do it, you don't do it in the book, at least not like that.

And lastly, your 'deep philosophy.' It's immature, to say the least.
"Money isn't a problem Mr. Ink we can always print more."

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.25 stars if not less. It's really bad on a technical level and very immature.

Okay, thanks for the help and the feedback that third person first-person thing always did trip me up when i just started to write Ill focus on fixing that first. W critique

 

[MBerkeley]

Den of Lions

Dante Sato's self imposed peaceful life at a foster home is interrupted when a prominent family named the Kaneko decides to adopt him due to his potential. After 6 years of being shut inside the house being trained to inherit half of the family's assets. His adoptive parents decide to enroll...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

You can read this one https://www.scribblehub.com/series/544496/my-sister-my-savior/ roast me in thread please.

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1.

Okay, how to start the feedback? The first problem is something me and you share.

You overdescribe actions\movements of MC and overall waste your word count on useless things. I will show an example to explain what I mean.

I immediately ran over towards the door of my apartment after grabbing my bag. As I run down the hallway towards the elevator, I search in my contacts for Ahri’s best friend. I hold the phone to my ear as I push the elevator down button. My legs become restless as the phone rings and the elevator climbs floors. When the elevator reaches my floor it opens with a ding. “Amy, answer the damn phone.” I yell at the phone that just keeps ringing until eventually the ringing stops, and I hear Amy’s voice.

You spend more words describing the elevator instead of showing the emotions of MC. You must show us how MC feels towards the call of her sister to justify her future reaction. Instead of describing through metaphors and body language how badly MC wants this elevator to move faster, you describe the actual movements of an elevator.

When the elevator reaches my floor it opens with a ding. This is a completely useless sentence. And even without that sentence, you still should completely rephrase everything else.

Your whole text is riddled with these useless depictions of movements. I ran, I grabbed, I ran, I search, I hold, I push, I yell, I hear. Break it up. Shorten the action to one\two sentence and use the rest for internal dialogue or descriptions of body language. Like how MC bites her lip, taps her feet in frustration, etc.

My legs become restless as the phone rings and the elevator climbs floors. Here, instead of mentioning the phone and elevator, you can describe why her legs became restless. It's hard to understand what I mean, but I can't phrase it better, sorry.

The other problem you have is bad paragraphing. Here are a couple of examples.
“Hey, Ahri! What is wrong?” Deep down I already knew, but the EMT next to me spoke words that were gut wrenching.

“Your sister… is gone.” I shook my head as I continued to hug her lifeless body. I stroked her hair with my hand.

When I opened my eyes and looked at him he gave me a warm smile. “I had a heart attack?” He nodded at me. “You did witness something horrible after all.”
You don't split the words and actions of different characters.

And now, my favorite(no) part of every review, weird sentenses\phrases.

You are a strong big sis, and I believe in you. The part highlighted in bold is somewhat weird.

I am sorry, but with this you will grow.” Grow like a tree or what? I know what you meant to say, but it's weirdly phrased.

Instead of answering immediately his face turned into one of sorrow. Poorly phrased, you can word this much better.

I always hated what I looked like I hate the way I look? Or something similar?

“They are just going about their busy bee lives, like a bunch of ants.” Bee lives like a bunch of ants.

The phone hangs up,
The sight that greeted me, however, was not a welcome one. Weirdly phrased.

There were police cruisers parked all around the parking lot, and there was yellow caution tape surrounding it. I parked my car on the street before bolting over towards the yellow tape. To get rid of the repetition, you can write something like; I left my car on the street.

Anyway, there are a lot of phrases that simply don't sound right. Maybe you don't break any grammar rules when you write them, but you can phrase them better.

The last thing I want to mention is this part.
I spoke out loud as the engine revved. I pulled out of the parking garage in a hurry towards the supermarket near my sister’s apartment which was shared by her best friend. As I entered traffic, I couldn’t help but worry about my sister.

“This is why I hate this city.” I looked at the cars before me that were unmoving like a wall plastered in the street. Hours went by with me driving across the city through the slow traffic before I finally arrived at the supermarket. The sight that greeted me, however, was not a welcome one.

Here is where your overdescription of actions and weird phrases actually costs you and makes the story illogical. After these paragraphs, we see a huge nervous breakdown and the explanation that MC loves her sister A LOT. The problem here, her previous actions, the ones from the paragraphs I copied, don't relate to the way she acts after or before.

Again, she worries about her sister, she yelled at the phone, and so on. What do we get once she is in a car and moves with a snail-like speed? “This is why I hate this city.” She doesn't tap her feet, she doesn't honk, she doesn't feel or act nervous, nothing. She simply looks at the cars. And then I should believe that the sister is the dearest thing in the whole world for MC?

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2-2.25 stars.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1.

Okay, how to start the feedback? The first problem is something me and you share.

You overdescribe actions\movements of MC and overall waste your word count on useless things. I will show an example to explain what I mean.

I immediately ran over towards the door of my apartment after grabbing my bag. As I run down the hallway towards the elevator, I search in my contacts for Ahri’s best friend. I hold the phone to my ear as I push the elevator down button. My legs become restless as the phone rings and the elevator climbs floors. When the elevator reaches my floor it opens with a ding. “Amy, answer the damn phone.” I yell at the phone that just keeps ringing until eventually the ringing stops, and I hear Amy’s voice.

You spend more words describing the elevator instead of showing the emotions of MC. You must show us how MC feels towards the call of her sister to justify her future reaction. Instead of describing through metaphors and body language how badly MC wants this elevator to move faster, you describe the actual movements of an elevator.

When the elevator reaches my floor it opens with a ding. This is a completely useless sentence. And even without that sentence, you still should completely rephrase everything else.

Your whole text is riddled with these useless depictions of movements. I ran, I grabbed, I ran, I search, I hold, I push, I yell, I hear. Break it up. Shorten the action to one\two sentence and use the rest for internal dialogue or descriptions of body language. Like how MC bites her lip, taps her feet in frustration, etc.

My legs become restless as the phone rings and the elevator climbs floors. Here, instead of mentioning the phone and elevator, you can describe why her legs became restless. It's hard to understand what I mean, but I can't phrase it better, sorry.

The other problem you have is bad paragraphing. Here are a couple of examples.
“Hey, Ahri! What is wrong?” Deep down I already knew, but the EMT next to me spoke words that were gut wrenching.

“Your sister… is gone.” I shook my head as I continued to hug her lifeless body. I stroked her hair with my hand.

When I opened my eyes and looked at him he gave me a warm smile. “I had a heart attack?” He nodded at me. “You did witness something horrible after all.”
You don't split the words and actions of different characters.

And now, my favorite(no) part of every review, weird sentenses\phrases.

You are a strong big sis, and I believe in you. The part highlighted in bold is somewhat weird.

I am sorry, but with this you will grow.” Grow like a tree or what? I know what you meant to say, but it's weirdly phrased.

Instead of answering immediately his face turned into one of sorrow. Poorly phrased, you can word this much better.

I always hated what I looked like I hate the way I look? Or something similar?

“They are just going about their busy bee lives, like a bunch of ants.” Bee lives like a bunch of ants.

The phone hangs up,
The sight that greeted me, however, was not a welcome one. Weirdly phrased.

There were police cruisers parked all around the parking lot, and there was yellow caution tape surrounding it. I parked my car on the street before bolting over towards the yellow tape. To get rid of the repetition, you can write something like; I left my car on the street.

Anyway, there are a lot of phrases that simply don't sound right. Maybe you don't break any grammar rules when you write them, but you can phrase them better.

The last thing I want to mention is this part.
I spoke out loud as the engine revved. I pulled out of the parking garage in a hurry towards the supermarket near my sister’s apartment which was shared by her best friend. As I entered traffic, I couldn’t help but worry about my sister.

“This is why I hate this city.” I looked at the cars before me that were unmoving like a wall plastered in the street. Hours went by with me driving across the city through the slow traffic before I finally arrived at the supermarket. The sight that greeted me, however, was not a welcome one.

Here is where your overdescription of actions and weird phrases actually costs you and makes the story illogical. After these paragraphs, we see a huge nervous breakdown and the explanation that MC loves her sister A LOT. The problem here, her previous actions, the ones from the paragraphs I copied, don't relate to the way she acts after or before.

Again, she worries about her sister, she yelled at the phone, and so on. What do we get once she is in a car and moves with a snail-like speed? “This is why I hate this city.” She doesn't tap her feet, she doesn't honk, she doesn't feel or act nervous, nothing. She simply looks at the cars. And then I should believe that the sister is the dearest thing in the whole world for MC?

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2-2.25 stars.

Thank you for the honest feedback!

Thank you for the honest feedback!

I am bad at writing emotions. I struggle to understand a lot of emotions as a whole.

 

[Yosoya]

Yayy feedback! I'm new to writing stories and I need to hear some honest truth about my work. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/539999/from-dust-we-rise-book-one/

 

[SailusGebel]

Yayy feedback! I'm new to writing stories and I need to hear some honest truth about my work. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/539999/from-dust-we-rise-book-one/

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

 

[Yosoya]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Here in this thread is fine!

 

[SMwrites]

Like smart MC's in a mafia setting? Check out DON!

Like smart MC's in a mafia setting? Check out DON!

 

[J_Chemist]

Dad?

I do enjoy feedback from individuals like yourself, as I prefer to hear how my story reads/looks from the Reader's POV. Other authors are nice, but my target audience is the average individual looking just to enjoy a good story. I put quite a bit more stock into that, oddly enough. I've also noticed that you put quite a bit of effort into your reviews and it's really nice to see. It is also the reason I requested Blob for a review- that raw, reader-based feedback.

Feel free to have a read and let me know what you think, whenever you have an opportunity of course; https://www.scribblehub.com/series/513014/the-blessed-child/

My story is currently undergoing revisions so feedback at this current stage would help me out the most! If you feel that you may wish for more content, whether to add to your review or if you just found yourself liking my story, you are welcome to PM me. I'll happily send you additional reading.

Feel free to post your review of my story here in this thread. No need for the extra work of PMing it.

Thank you. I, and all others who have posted requesting a review, certainly appreciate your efforts.

Be well,
-- J.C.


P.S; For those reading this thread who are young authors or are individuals also looking to build a skillset for "reviews", it is my recommendation that you read through some reviews here. While, of course, they aren't "expert" reviews, it may help you begin to understand a little the difference between reading to read, and reading to review. Learning to nitpick, finding those errors, and developing the eye/ear for such things takes time and might be worth investing a bit of effort into. Especially if you find yourself wanting to give an author good feedback that they can actually utilize to better their story! While some people will say "any feedback is good feedback", such is not the case!

However in this instance, good or bad, having someone who is looking strictly from a reader's perspective is healthy. They are going to see key details and things that an author might miss, as the Author-reviewer might be looking also from an Author's perspective. As I mentioned above, I'm here for Reader-feedback, not Author-feedback. There is a big difference as the experience/perspective has some differences.

 

[Lire]

This seems like a really neat thing to do, dude!
*Humby submits his works*
It'd be great if you could do both, but if you only do one, please let it be the first one.
Thank you~!
(Oh, and I don't really mind where you do the critique. Actually, just plop it down on this thread since it'll help you spread the word about your mean-ness!)
An Author's Survival Guide

====================
====================
====================

Glimpse of Eternity
If you end up reviewing the second one too, please take note that I'm in the middle of editing Arc#1. I plan to shorten some stuff :)
Thanks again!​

 

[SailusGebel]

Yayy feedback! I'm new to writing stories and I need to hear some honest truth about my work. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/539999/from-dust-we-rise-book-one/

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I've read all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter Three.

Before I start my feedback, I would like to mention this; "This story is in the works of becoming a webcomic." Because your novel feels like a generic shoujo webtoon\manga\manhwa. I, unfortunately, don't remember the one that resembles your story the most, so you will have to trust me on that.

If not for the feedback, I would not have finished all available chapters. I'm a reader; by deciding to read your story, I'm already giving you a chance. It means you have to grab my attention from the get-go.

Why do I say this? Well, two problems with the presentation of your novel. First of all, you should obviously fix your cover. The next thing is tags and genres.

Your synopsis is pretty straightforward, and there is no leeway for me to think it's not a generic shoujo. When I scroll down to look at the genres and tags listed in your story, I... see that it is a generic shoujo.

First of all, it's objective advice. Add more tags, add more genres. It helps with promotion because a lot of people look for certain tags\genres.

Secondly, try to add a bit more tags so that a reader(me) can gauge what to expect from a story. You probably don't want to spoil too much. I understand this, but you are wasting a chance that a reader gives you right now. As I said before, there is nothing that can make me think your story ISN'T generic shoujo. Especially considering how there are only three available chapters right now.

Because of that, a logical question pops up. Why should I spend my time reading your generic shoujo when I can go and read another FINISHED novel\manga\webtoon from a respected author?

I made this thread to find something to read. Yet I won't continue reading your story because there is no incentive for me to do so.

Btw, I don't mind generic stories. As I said multiple times before; if a story is generic, it must be well written. Yours is okaishly written.

Why it isn't well written, and I think it's okayish in terms of quality. Everything I say is subjective(except for the number of tags and popularity relation), and in my opinion, your paragraphing can be better. It's not bad, but your paragraphing in some of your dialogues isn't the best.

Another downside is a dialogue with a king. I didn't feel like a king is an alive person who talks like a person. I've seen a device that is explaining stuff and serves the purpose of making MC more pitiful(very shoujo-like). And in that dialogue, MC also doesn't feel like a real person.

Tears start to form in my eyes. A brutal blow from a cruel man. The daughter doesn't think like that. What I mean by that is that there is not enough setup for me to think it's a proper reaction. There is not enough backstory, emotions shown, and so on to justify her thinking like that. Another thing is much more simple, you phrased\worded it weirdly. This thought can be conveyed better.

It's actually a whole new problem that you have. Poorly worded phrases. It's not that bad, but it can be better.

A new maid, an older maid, steps toward me and bows deeply. It's not wrong, but in this context, it doesn't sound pleasant. Another maid instead of a new maid sounds a bit better.

The rotten smell is still lingering in my room. Maybe it's me who is wrong, but I always thought that lingering mostly has this meaning to remain existent although often waning in strength, importance, or influence. This means when you say lingering about a rotten smell that permeated the room, it doesn't suit the context. I assume that it is still a very strong smell. Especially considering how later in the story the maid tried not to breathe and so on. Which means, another word will be more suitable.

The last room that was the farthest away from mine, was the kitchen, the place where flavor is considered unholy. This is outright confusing. Did you mean that they only cooked bland food for MC, and thus flavor is, metaphorically, considered unholy? Or does it has some other meaning?

These are not huge mistakes that will stop me from reading, and it's mostly nitpicking. But I thought I had to point out this. Maybe it will be useful for you?

What is a mistake, at least in my eyes, is MC's personality. She is inconsistent. There are not enough tips and foreshadowing for me to understand why her mood swings so much in such a short span of time.

I awake to see a small frail lady standing over me.
"Your Highness," she says, bowing to me. As she straightens her posture, the light from the sunrise highlights the artificial grin that's plastered onto her face. "My name is Aline
I look at Aline who has tears in her eyes from all of her coughing. Did she ever come here to take a little break? Rude Aline? MC knows this new maid for half an hour or an hour at most.

"So I have heard," I reply. " With that being said I request several maids to help me prepare and–," I point to Aline, "punished for her incompetence." She is so scared and beaten up but then she suddenly commands her maid to be punished. And she does it after knowing this maid for an hour.

"It's to keep you safe, my lady," I glare at him, but the polite smile on his face does not waver.
A chill runs through my body though I no longer feel a sense of dread. What does this suppose to mean?

"No, I will not be okay," I whisper under my breath. I place my hand on the door and summoning all the courage that I have, I push open the door. She ends up feeling some kind of fear.

I don't know. Maybe it's me, but I didn't see enough in the text to justify her behavior.

And that is the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2.75-3 stars. The good point is grammar, as I didn't notice anything that would make me stumble. Overall your story was easy to read, you had descriptions, you added small details, and so on. But I, unfortunately, can't say it's good. It's okay, or maybe slightly above average.

 

[Yosoya]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I've read all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter Three.

Before I start my feedback, I would like to mention this; "This story is in the works of becoming a webcomic." Because your novel feels like a generic shoujo webtoon\manga\manhwa. I, unfortunately, don't remember the one that resembles your story the most, so you will have to trust me on that.

If not for the feedback, I would not have finished all available chapters. I'm a reader; by deciding to read your story, I'm already giving you a chance. It means you have to grab my attention from the get-go.

Why do I say this? Well, two problems with the presentation of your novel. First of all, you should fix your cover. The next thing is tags and genres.

Your synopsis is pretty straightforward, and there is no leeway for me to think it's not a generic shoujo. When I scroll down to look at the genres and tags listed in your story, I... see that it is a generic shoujo.

First of all, it's objective advice. Add more tags, add more genres. It helps with promotion because a lot of people look for certain tags\genres.

Secondly, try to add a bit more tags so that a reader(me) can gauge what to expect from a story. You probably don't want to spoil too much. I understand this, but you are wasting a chance that a reader gives you right now. As I said before, there is nothing that can make me think your story ISN'T generic shoujo. Especially considering how there are only three available chapters right now.

Because of that, a logical question pops up. Why should I spend my time reading your generic shoujo when I can go and read another FINISHED novel\manga\webtoon from a respected author?

I made this thread to find something to read. Yet I won't continue reading your story because there is no incentive for me to do so.

Btw, I don't mind generic stories. As I said multiple times before; if a story is generic, it must be well written. Yours is okaishly written.

Why it isn't well written, and I think it's okayish in terms of quality. Everything I say is subjective(except for the number of tags and popularity relation), and in my opinion, your paragraphing can be better. It's not bad, but your paragraphing in some of your dialogues isn't the best.

Another downside is a dialogue with a king. I didn't feel like a king is an alive person who talks like a person. I've seen a device that is explaining stuff and serves the purpose of making MC more pitiful(very shoujo-like). And in that dialogue, MC also doesn't feel like a real person.

Tears start to form in my eyes. A brutal blow from a cruel man. The daughter doesn't think like that. What I mean by that is that there is not enough setup for me to think it's a proper reaction. There is not enough backstory, emotions shown, and so on to justify her thinking like that. Another thing is much more simple, you phrased\worded it weirdly. This thought can be conveyed better.

It's actually a whole new problem that you have. Poorly worded phrases. It's not that bad, but it can be better.

A new maid, an older maid, steps toward me and bows deeply. It's not wrong, but in this context, it doesn't sound pleasant. Another maid instead of a new maid sounds a bit better.

The rotten smell is still lingering in my room. Maybe it's me who is wrong, but I always thought that lingering mostly has this meaning to remain existent although often waning in strength, importance, or influence. This means when you say lingering about a rotten smell that permeated the room, it doesn't suit the context. I assume that it is still a very strong smell. Especially considering how later in the story the maid tried not to breathe and so on. Which means, another word will be more suitable.

The last room that was the farthest away from mine, was the kitchen, the place where flavor is considered unholy. This is outright confusing. Did you mean that they only cooked bland food for MC, and thus flavor is, metaphorically, considered unholy? Or does it has some other meaning?

These are not huge mistakes that will stop me from reading, and it's mostly nitpicking. But I thought I had to point out this. Maybe it will be useful for you?

What is a mistake, at least in my eyes, is MC's personality. She is inconsistent. There are not enough tips and foreshadowing for me to understand why her mood swings so much in such a short span of time.

I awake to see a small frail lady standing over me.
"Your Highness," she says, bowing to me. As she straightens her posture, the light from the sunrise highlights the artificial grin that's plastered onto her face. "My name is Aline
I look at Aline who has tears in her eyes from all of her coughing. Did she ever come here to take a little break? Rude Aline? MC knows this new maid for half an hour or an hour at most.

"So I have heard," I reply. " With that being said I request several maids to help me prepare and–," I point to Aline, "punished for her incompetence." She is so scared and beaten up but then she suddenly commands her maid to be punished. And she does it after knowing this maid for an hour.

"It's to keep you safe, my lady," I glare at him, but the polite smile on his face does not waver.
A chill runs through my body though I no longer feel a sense of dread. What does this suppose to mean?

"No, I will not be okay," I whisper under my breath. I place my hand on the door and summoning all the courage that I have, I push open the door. She ends up feeling some kind of fear.

I don't know. Maybe it's me, but I didn't see enough in the text to justify her behavior.

And that is the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2.75-3 stars. The good point is grammar, as I didn't notice anything that would make me stumble. Overall your story was easy to read, you had descriptions, you added small details, and so on. But I, unfortunately, can't say it's good. It's okay, or maybe slightly above average.

Okay, understood!! Thank you so much for your feedback! It's the first time I read something critical about my story and I needed to see it. It needs to be revised.