https://www.scribblehub.com/read/530098-assassins-apocalypse/chapter/538914/ Here is the updated link, after extensive rewriting. I'm sure its still not that good but hopefully it is a bit better. It also explains why his home is good
The problem with the lack of tags\genres is still present. About tags and genres. By adding more, you effectively make your story more likely to pop up in search. Let's say a random reader looks for a certain tag, and your story has this trope(tag), but you didn't put the tag in a storyboard. Can that reader find your novel in a search? Of course not.
Think about what tags and genres will fit your story. Think about what you can add without spoiling a lot, but also make sure that readers might gauge what to expect. It's somewhat tricky to balance, but it helps in promotion a lot.
The synopsis is a bit better but still underwhelming.
"He has the
ability to steal other people's
abilities" First of all, a repetition.
What will our protagonist do? Secondly, there is a problem with this question. The reason why it's a problem is that I don't care. A couple of previous sentences from your synopsis tell me that MC is OP. Which is why I don't care what MC is going to do. Why? Because I know that he will win. No matter what is going to happen.
You see, even if he is OP, you should at least try to write it like he isn't. Kinda like Japanese writers do when they say something like this in their synopsis. "How could our MC survive if his skill is simple woodcarving?" And then, in the story, you get to know that it was a big fat lie and that skill is a big fucking cheat and a plot armor. MC ends up being able to carve some bullshit op wood or something like that.
Moreover, why should I choose your story with OP MC instead of others that has like 100+ chapters?
Lastly, your prose is still lacking, to say the least. I will show you an example by using a description of a hero's skill from Dota 2. In Dota 2, almost every skill has two descriptions, one with actual description and one with lore\fluff description, but I will only mention one skiil. I will use the dragon knight's first skill called Breathe Fire.
Unleashes a breath of fire in front of Dragon Knight that burns enemies and reduces the damage their attacks deal.
Knight Davion's breath has become that of the mighty Eldwurm Slyrak, remembered for burning numerous other knights to a crisp.
When I read your synopsis, it's like I read the first highlighted paragraph or, if you didn't understand, an actual explanation of how the skill works. But the thing is, your synopsis should be more like the second paragraph, like lore\fluff description. Don't just give me a dry explanation of who MC is and how his skill works.
About your story. Use Grammarly and\or google docs editor.
I am
finally going to finally leave. Repetition in the second sentence of the chapter.
I have so many plans laid out for what he wanted to do. What?
that
the ladder was ready. My heart raced as I scaled the back of the house
with a ladder.
I cursed as my foot slipped on the
rusty ladder, but carried on.
A triple repetition in four sentences.
I straightened up, and carefully think about my next move. I straightened up and carefully THOUGHT about my next move.
of a now deceased Filipino security contrac
tor. and risk a more immediately risky gunfight, Typo?
There are a lot more different mistakes and typos. Grammarly and\or google docs will help you with the most obvious mistakes and typos you've missed unintentionally. It won't take that much of your time.
As for your writing, it's much better. The descriptions are now present, I like the added details, and there are no more logical mistakes. At least I didn't notice any.
But there are still mistakes.
As it's a reader's feedback, I will tell my personal dislike. I don't like it when all the paragraphs have the same length. When I was reading, more than once did I feel like you should've split or combined your sentences in paragraphs differently. Try to work on your paragraphing. Sometimes it's okay to have a one-sentence paragraph or an opposite, a very long paragraph. Another thing, you can add onomatopoeia as breaks between the paragraphs. For example, onomatopoeia for the floor squeaking or MC grunting.
Something more objective. Work on your vocabulary and the way you phrase sentences. Try to use different words and, most importantly, phrases. Repetitions are unavoidable but try to spread them throughout the chapter.
And lastly, you've added WAY too many details in the beginning. I know it's contradictory to the thing I said before, but it's how I feel. You should think hard while editing and cut off unnecessary stuff. Not only small details\descriptions but also depictions of action\movements that are useless. It's hard to balance, but if you want to improve, you have to do it.
Btw, this is one of the problems that I have. Whenever I write a chapter, I tend to over-describe the actions. But most of the time, readers don't need it. As a plus, when you get rid of those unnecessary lines of action\movement descriptions, you get some space to write more fitting and necessary details, describe the emotions and add metaphors.
Don't let this discourage you though. As I said, you've improved a lot.
