JDC_OnPaper
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2020
- Messages
- 30
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- 58
Thanks very much for the feedback.Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2: Fantasy to Reality.
It's an okayish web novel. I would even say that this is a picture-perfect example of a 2.5-star novel. The beginning is horrendously secondary and feels like a copy of Overlord, while grammar and the overall writing style(prose) are not bad, it's not good either.
I won't criticize or say that copying or being inspired by other works is bad. I have no qualms about that, as my main gripe lies with the writing. Let's start with your opening. The first part of your story is an info dump. No matter how hard you try to hide it by adding descriptions, metaphors, and so on. It's a good-old info dump. Is it bad? In my opinion, yes.
I am giving this feedback as a reader. And as a reader, I would've preferred it if you had made a prologue or another chapter one. A chapter that would have the same info but more spread out and phrased slightly less like an info dump. Is this info dump THAT bad on its own? No. But the problem here is that it's not on its own. There are more problems. Such as logical mistakes.
We start the story with an explanation that this VRMMO uses VR-capsule. Guess what you write in that same chapter 1? He didn’t want to damage his VR-Headset You might say, "Oh, but he might've used a VR headset instead of a VR capsule." Okay. To this, I will mention your chapter two.
He was sure that he was in his VR-Capsule, yet he moved freely. What? Now you are going to mention that he used a VR headset in combination with a VR capsule? Hold your horses mate and mention it in a STORY, not in a reply. Btw, if I missed this being explained, sorry, but I think there was no explanation.
However, there is another logical mistake.
Made by an international Indie game developer group.
Ah… Such graceful animation… $50— fucking cash grab corporates.
I don't want to have a long back-and-forth with you about this, so I will try to keep this short. You used whale in the title. Most whales won't act like that or say such things. Even if MC is a whale who will shit on the company, you phrased it wrongly and illogically.
Another type of mistake is repetition.
The rather soft and wet ground met with his armored boots, rather slanting his balance.
Its jet-black surface shining rather brightly as it reflected the light of the moon.
Those are examples of you using one word over and over again. Please don't forget that this is an example. There are more repetitions, but I won't copy-paste every single one of them.
Another example that is related to repetitions is filler words. There are a lot of them, and you use them instead of writing necessary terms.
As he observed his surroundings, he had noticed that he was somewhat inside a cave of sorts. There is no need for somewhat here.
The height was somewhat 60 meters tall, Again, useless somewhat. The height was almost\around\close to 60 meters tall. And this is something from the top of my head(remind you, I'm a shit author).
I'm not sure where to put it, so let's put it here. Though it's not a filler word, it's an example of you adding a useless word.
The armor was the least of his problems, the world of [Envisioned Fantasy] had many numerous NPC-ruled Knight orders, Many numerous? One word is enough.
And now my favorite(no) part of every feedback. Weird phrases. There is a lot of them in your novel, so I will only copy-paste a couple of them.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Earth finally had illuminated itself with life once more in the bleak current. What? Bleak current?
Being an NPC creation of Blitz, he didn’t much for a voice. Didn't much for a voice?
“Ah… it had already been 3 years since the last Guild war occurred, The last guild occurred?
From the ground, the vast millions of leaves across the vast forest ruffled as the gentle breeze. What?
“This isn’t my house… nor the earth isn’t that bright.” What? Nor the earth isn’t that bright?
There were too many questions with so little answer. So little answeR?
however a figure of somewhat a hand was still there. OF SOMEWHAT A HAND? What? Like, really, what?
ENVISIONED FANTASY offered their players Freedom to several machinations, to make a story of their own. Okay, this one isn't that bad, but it's still weird. Freedom to several machinations? You can phrase this much better.
There was probably a typo.
An in-game market the gave the Users the ability of customization of their avatar and belongings. That gave?
And lastly, for some weird reason, you like to capitalize words in the middle of the sentence. It's not that it's wrong, but it's done inconsistently, and the capitalized words are basically random. It doesn't make any sense at all.
Your story isn't hard to read, and the prose is okay. There are descriptions, body language, and metaphors, this is great. If there are any mistakes, they didn't catch my eye, apart from the things I've mentioned. This is why it's a 2.5-star novel, in my opinion. There are both logical and grammar mistakes, but at the same time, I can read and understand almost everything, and the prose is okay\good.
I can't say much about the plot, worldbuilding, and other stuff. So far, it was a copy of Overlord. And I didn't like Overlord, so I see no reason to continue reading your story. And that's the end of my feedback.
For the repetition and irregular capitalization, that's practically a habit for me when writing gotta fix that. For the VR-Capsule and VR-headset mix-match. The design in my mind was that there was a VR-Headset within the VR-capsule, unless the VR-capsule gained sentience and plug its stuff on the person's body. Forgot to explain that or clarify that in the chapter (My fault).
However, gotta commend myself that I got quite good feedback when using the Show don't Tell. The problem is my repetitions and lack of explanation. Gotta thank you, this is my first time receiving feedback like this, (Me being a coward and was too scared back in the past when accepting criticizing or negative feedback). But this is something of a start.
Again, Thanks for your time in reading and ranking my little novel, much appreciated. Have a good Day!