Yet another free feedback thread.

[USA]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

PM is fine.

Edit: @SailusGebel just a general account of how you feel when you read this, I'm not looking for constructive criticism or anything.

Another edit: forgot to put 'not'

 

[RaLo]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Prologue: A Tiger in Distress.

It's a disjointed mess.

There are a lot of useless sentences, sentences that need a follow-up; for example, you ask a question, so you need to write an answer, but you end up changing the topic, and so on. It's very messy and hard to comprehend.

An example is a paragraph that starts with the following sentence. He was now the 17th President of the Philippines. Just look at the two sentences that come after this one.

State leaders would probably say yes if someone asked if they were busy.

But now he sat in a lavishly decorated chair, sitting side by side with his wife, Marie.

How the hell are those three sentences connected?

The way you write is repetitive. I actually didn't notice that much of words repetitions, but the way you structure the sentences repeats time and time again. Here's an example.

Limited are our guns, ammos, and bombs. The highlighted part is SAID by someone, yet the same structure was used for other characters, for the narrator's voice, and so on. This means that everyone talks the same, even the narrator.

The combination of the two points I mentioned above might result in this. The birthday celebrant and her husband seemed to be in a hurry. After they passed the stupefied crowds, they explained the situation. They passed, they explained. What?

Examples of badly phrased sentences that are weird and\or hard to understand.

Many critics of his scowled when they heard such a party. What?

Just then, the sprawling cities of Metro Manila came into their view. There were 17 cities. What?

His father had always stressed how disappointed at him for his dull-wittedness. What?

Perhaps this happens because of your bad grammar or inattention. I don't know. I just know that there are a lot of sentences like the above ones.

A couple of typos.
all the types of foods that everyone wanted . typo?

We import most of our energy to China. Maybe import FROM China?

The prologue felt way too info-dumpy. The thing is, everything you wrote there was already in the synopsis. You can obviously repeat it, but you should strive to achieve something with your repetition. Like building personalities of your characters or some other things. What I've read was an info dump that repeats your synopsis.

And lastly, two kinda logical mistakes.
“Mr. president, I agree with secretary Lorenz. If this is another world, we should gather information about it. They can be a potential trading partner. Well, first of all, all those secretaries, ministers, presidents, politicians, bodyguards, all those people accepted that they are in a different world WAY too quickly. It feels like the whole isekai is just a passing thought. Secondly, a proposition to look for a potential trading partner is COMPLETELY out of place.

She was the national security advisor, Claire Carnas. And not only that proposition is out of place, someone who isn't an economist talks about economy.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2 stars.

Thanks for that! I guess I need to rewrite it.

"She was the national security advisor, Claire Carnas. And not only that proposition is out of place, someone who isn't an economist talks about economy."

Food security and economy are also components of national security. I thought it should fall into her responsibility.

 

[MansonFD7]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Would you like to give me your thought, criticism, or anything about my book?

Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/567472/scorching-black-vulture/

 

[SailusGebel]

Food security and economy are also components of national security. I thought it should fall into her responsibility.

As I don't know what national security advisor does in the Philippines, maybe you are right. But in layman's eyes(my eyes), it looks weird.

 

[SailusGebel]

Hey, can you do Meanest Mob, it's in my signature

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 3. Question of Existence.

It's hard to comprehend, and I won't even try. But I must clarify something. It's NOT hard to comprehend because you managed to deceive me, to trick me. It's hard to understand because your writing is lackluster. Basically, you've bitten off way more than you can chew, in my opinion, of course.

To show an example of what I mean, I will write something. i was write you exemple hOW I-I Lookin at ya story Oh, you'vesaw exemple has tYpo nevertheless every else i did intentionally. Trust me. This is how your story looks to me.

I'm not claiming your text is riddled with grammar mistakes or typos. I'm saying that you've probably wanted to write something that would look incomprehensible, yet you can understand everything. The thing is, because of your writing and mistakes, it ends up being incomprehensible. You didn't trick me, you failed to tell the story.

At least that is what I saw, and how I perceived everything. With tense shifting, weird phrases, weird writing in general, and repetitions, it's very hard to read. I don't want to spend my time trying to understand whether it's a mistake or something intentional all the time.

 

[Alfir]

Okidoki, I might as well go for broke, I'll throw another one. Everlasting Mage
Totally a different genre.

i was write you exemple hOW I-I Lookin at ya story Oh, you'vesaw exemple has tYpo nevertheless every else i did intentionally. Trust me.

This isn't really how I wrote it though?

 

[SailusGebel]

Would you like to give me your thought, criticism, or anything about my book?

Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/567472/scorching-black-vulture/

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Okidoki, I might as well go for broke, I'll throw another one. Everlasting Mage
Totally a different genre

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

 

[Alfir]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Here will be fine

 

[SailusGebel]

This isn't really how I wrote it though?

I provide feedback from a reader's perspective. I'm not a great author or a critic; I'm an average reader. It doesn't matter to me how you wrote it. I perceived it that way. It doesn't mean I'm right and you are wrong. It means that if you wanted to show me something else, perhaps there were mistakes in your writing, and obviously, in my understanding. That is kinda the point. You can't see how readers will perceive your story as you are an author. Yet there is something you want to say, to convey, right? This is where I can help you a little bit. I tell you what I've seen and how I've understood your story, and you compare it with what you've wanted to say. If there are discrepancies between the two, you can look into them. I'm not saying you should change your story to suit my taste, but you can at least think about why it's like that.

 

[Alfir]

I understand your point of view. I understand that my writing looked chaotic to you. Well, for me, it was too... I've been in three rewrites and over, so I know the pain of reading them. Meanest Mob is more of a philosophical undertaking in the isekai genre on my part, English is also my second language, but I still find it difficult as to how it looked 'i was write you exemple hOW I-I Lookin at ya story Oh, you'vesaw exemple has tYpo nevertheless every else i did intentionally. Trust me.' like this...

It felt just too much for me. I know that you meant good, but I kind of panicked when I read this part. I started doubting myself, Is that why I have so few readers? I read it over again. Seeing my only readers react to my work, I felt motivated and started thinking more positively. I don't mean anything bad about your feedback. It's just I didn't expect it to be less constructive than I thought... Hehehe, expectations aside, I still learned a few things. For that, I am appreciative of your feedback, that's why I tossed my other work here Everlasting Mage, my oldest work.

Meanest Mob's storytelling is cranky, strange even. In fact, the MC's third-person perspective will suddenly change to the first-person as it nears the end of volume 1. It's on purpose, yet unorthodox. Truthfully, I kind of can't understand your feedback. 'You've probably wanted to write something that would look incomprehensible, yet you can understand everything.' It was only then that I realized what you meant.

What I was actually aiming for is to write a story that explores 'isekai' on the philosophical level, challenging the dualities of reality... something along those lines. Meanest Mob is incomprehensible as you've provided witness to it. I understand that much. In conclusion, Meanest Mob is just not for you.

Well, that can't really stop me from asking you to give feedback on my other work though, LOL.

 

[SailusGebel]

I understand your point of view. I understand that my writing looked chaotic to you. Well, for me, it was too... I've been in three rewrites and over, so I know the pain of reading them. Meanest Mob is more of a philosophical undertaking in the isekai genre on my part, English is also my second language, but I still find it difficult as to how it looked 'i was write you exemple hOW I-I Lookin at ya story Oh, you'vesaw exemple has tYpo nevertheless every else i did intentionally. Trust me.' like this...

It felt just too much for me. I know that you meant good, but I kind of panicked when I read this part.

That's why I wrote the following words.

I'm not claiming your text is riddled with grammar mistakes or typos. I'm saying that you've probably wanted to write something that would look incomprehensible, yet you can understand everything. The thing is, because of your writing and mistakes, it ends up being incomprehensible.

You can't just pick a sentence out of context. And I agree that this example wasn't as good. The thing is, I can't show you that your word choices, your punctuation, your grammar, your choices of idioms, the way you phrase your sentences, where and how you put your words in the said sentences, and how you group your sentences together are hard to understand. I would've spent way too much time on this, so I wanted to show an analogy.

Meanest Mob's storytelling is cranky, strange even. In fact, the MC's third-person perspective will suddenly change to the first-person as it nears the end of volume 1. It's on purpose, yet unorthodox. Truthfully, I kind of can't understand your feedback. 'You've probably wanted to write something that would look incomprehensible, yet you can understand everything.' It was only then that I realized what you meant.

By that phrase, I meant that you didn't want to write a typical novel where everything is explained from the get-go. You probably wanted to write something that will make a reader think, something that, as you said, is philosophical. Incomprehensible at the first glance, but once a reader looks into the story, reads more, and analyzes the story everything(or a lot of things) will make sense, at least to that reader. The problem here I, a reader, don't know where is a legit mistake and where is an intentional 'mistake.' You make mistakes, take a look at how your tenses switch all the time. Not only there are grammar mistakes that are already bad, but you will also make logical mistakes. This means that you are trying to write a work that is incomprehensible at the first glance, yet it stays incomprehensible no matter how much you try to decipher it.

 

[Alfir]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Ok, ok... You are doing mighty fine. It's only now do I realize that you strike me as hostile. Anyways, I appreciate the feedback.

 

[SailusGebel]

Ok, ok... You are doing mighty fine. It's only now do I realize that you strike me as hostile. Anyways, I appreciate the feedback.

Err, hostile? I have trouble conveying my thoughts even in my native language. I saw that you might have misunderstood what I wanted to say, so I tried to explain what I meant. If I offended you, sorry.

 

[Alfir]

No, no, no... I meant hostile, as in aggressive, not dreadfully hostile. It's a misunderstanding. All is well. No offense taken, I was hurt though, still, that's what I deserve. Salius sir, please keep up with the good work.

I have trouble conveying my thoughts even in my native language.

Same.

 

[SailusGebel]

That's what I get for posting in between work! *Whoops*

Feedback here would be fine,

The Garbage Gladiator – a LITRPG Adventure

With a robot built to dance, they'll sweep the crowd off their feet When chased through the Junkyard by an old foe, Jester finds a unique combat robot of his own. Programmed for dance over fighting, he'll need new allies, old friends, and a passion for performance if he wants...

www.scribblehub.com

Hopefully that link works. Sorry about that.
Thanks again.

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1: Dumpster Diving.

It's a high-quality story, but it's not my cup of tea. Your story is yet another one that isn't a web or a light novel. At least I perceive it as more of a traditionally published book than a web\light novel. It's not about the length of chapters, but your prose, how you write, and so on.

I have no desire to read such work now. First of all, there is a slight subjective dislike of the logic behind the VRMMO and how it works. Secondly, I'm simply not interested in the story. Though the story's premise is somewhat intriguing, I don't like LitRPG.

I also can't say that I like your prose, but I didn't find anything bad about it. Someone might even like it. Me? It's somewhat harder to understand than I would've liked it to be.

Here are a couple of examples of the things that turned me off the most in your writing.
As another rocket fired towards the newly made hole, Jester ducked more debris as his ratty top hat fell from his head. Ducked more debris? I don't understand what this means.

Each copper-plated digit spread out, Usually when people use the word 'digit' they mean number, and I believe 'number' is the most used and popular meaning of the word 'digit'. I had an assumption that digit might've meant finger, but I had to reread the line a couple of times and double-check it in google. And I obviously dislike it when I have to google stuff.

With a heave, it turned itself over, bare now of any rockets. Bare now of any rockets? Sounds weird.

DangerDeathless, in contrast, wore a stark white mechanic’s jumpsuit. Stark white? It's my first time reading such a phrase.

The picture with the announcement. It doesn't feel like an announcement from a big company. A company that made a pay-to-win cash grab won't write something like that. They would try to sound cool, friendly, and fun, but the insincerity would seep through. Just look at the announcement of EVERY game company right now. What you wrote sounds like they are buddy-buddy with the players.

And lastly, this.
“Lexington,” Jester said,
Westington’s punch caught him off balance. “Have a nice fall, Jester,” Westington quipped as he lashed out a foot.
So, is it Lexington or Westington?

That's pretty much it. Despite my complaints and subjective dislikes, I acknowledge the overall quality. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3-3.5 stars.

 

[Zenkarn]

Thank you for the review, I appreciate your time.

 

[SailusGebel]

Okidoki, I might as well go for broke, I'll throw another one. Everlasting Mage
Totally a different genre.

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1. Matt and Len.

Though Mob is definitely of higher quality, this novel has a lot of problems that are present in The Meanest Mob. The main difference is that it is easier for me to pinpoint and describe what exactly is wrong in Everlasting Mage.

For example, tenses.
"Len! That's mean!" Matt turned slightly pink Maybe I'm wrong, but the correct tense here is Past Simple. "That WAS mean," after all, Len had already done the deed. She isn't in the process of blowing air.

To Matt's surprise, his friend's bed is very underwhelming. It's organized. Nothing stands out from what is normal. The books were neatly placed on the shelves. The bed IS ordinary, but books WERE neatly placed.

And these are just two examples. I've picked them because it is easy to explain what and why is wrong; and because it's a great illustrations. Tenses keep shifting in your text all the time, not only in Mage but also in the Mob. It adds to the difficulty of comprehending. I must backtrack a lot and change your wrong tenses to understand what you've meant.

Now let me talk about your writing, prose, how you phrase your sentences, and so on. I will again use examples, but I won't group them or show them in order.

I cannot find any willing assistant as willing as you The easy and obvious mistake. An unnecessary repetition.

talents! and without any further ado," New sentence, yet you didn't capitalize it. Again, kinda obvious.

A group wearing clown costumes stood forward— they are a dance troupe, its members gathered from several bankrupt circus troupes around the world. Looks like the third place is taken, but the second place is still much of the taking... Strange phrase considering how there is also first place. Plus the first sentence doesn't connect with the second one. The first sentence is either third-person POV or the announcer's words. The second sentence looks like MC's thought, yet both sentences are in the same paragraph.

The second place... Dreaded by his wonderful magical acts..." Dreaded by? What? I've never seen the word 'dreaded' used with 'by.'

He is aware of how much outclassed he truly is in terms of charisma Weird word order.

Len is an expressive lass within Matt’s same age range. Within same age RANGE? I think "in the same age group" is a proper way to say this.

Len grabbed Matt’s arm like the high lady she is. Whilst, Matt opened the van's door like the gentleman he believe he is, then made a gesture for Len to enter. Whilst someone does something, the other does a different thing. It happens in the same sentence, yet here you cut it into two.

Len used black lipstick on her relaxed lips and then raised her hands showcasing her black nails tainted by black marker. Tainted? Marker?
Maybe it was nail polish considering how she has black lipstick? And obviously, instead of tainted, there should've been some other word.

but to Matt~ Len is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. No, she is not a thing. That is just rude. Len is a goddess, right? My Goddess! You wanted to show a contrast that EVEN calling her an "insert word," is not enough. But instead of calling her a beautiful woman, you've chosen to call her a thing. Calling a living person a THING is rude on its own. So when MC says it's "just rude," it doesn't click in my head that he wants to compliment her. To me, it looks like he acknowledges his mistake. But after he does so, he, for some weird reason, calls her a goddess. This is one of the many times when you probably tried to be artistic and not use overused idioms\phrases, yet it ended up looking like something meaningless. The same thing happened in Mob, but it was less glaring there than here.

But even with him being this far already from where he started, his family remained still distant from him. Weird word order. His family still remained, not remained still. Because remained still has a meaning of standing still, the way you wrote this sentence is wrong. And again, this was also present in Mob. There were simply no phrases that could've illustrated it as well as this sentence.

Matt is in a daze as Len babbles, her pool of knowledge, of words flowing and going like a pencil writing through the water. What? Babbles of words flowing? This is an incomprehensible sentence.

Anything fancy that supernaturally relates to magic is always an interest to Matt. Supernaturally relates? What's even the logic behind this word? Magic is supernatural.

supernatural /ˌsuːpəˈnatʃ(ə)r(ə)l/ adjective
1. (of a manifestation or event) attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature.

How I read this sentence. Anything fancy that magically relates to magic is always an interest. It's meaningless. And again, something similar is present in Mob.

And then there is the following sentence. For unknown fears, they always remained a novel interest to him but never went as far as pursuing it, (initiating or believing it in any form or manner). Unknown fears? Remained a novel interest? What? Again, an incomprehensible sentence.
Anything that was related to magic in any way or form has always interested Matt. Even through the years, his curiosity was like that time when magic was still a novelty for him. Is this what you wanted to say? Because if not, I have no idea what these two sentences meant. If yes, you've made me waste around five minutes trying to understand what A SINGLE PARAGPRAH, means.

Also, using brackets\parentheses like this is bad writing. You are using a third-person POV, which means that you can add everything directly to the text.

It is an ironic, but objective truth (though shallow). Again brackets\parentheses is bad writing.

He fears that their relationship might suddenly turn into, 180 degrees of horribleness, Matt can imagine it going wrong in so many ways. Everything about this is wrong. Tenses, wrong idioms, punctuation.

Matt intends to burn through his funds— it's totally fine, he can handle it in light of his winnings from Talent Talks and recent gambling. I can't even phrase what is wrong with this particular sentence. As I said, I'm a shit author, and my English isn't good enough. I'm not sure whether it's tenses or punctuation, but this just doesn't sound right.

The following three examples show that your work sounds way too much like a formal report and doesn't flow.

Matt asked Len about her university life. She said that pursuing archaeology is quite challenging. Even though you use a third-person POV and could've explained their body movements, thoughts, or something else, you just wrote, "he asked, she answered."

I can earn money. Good with the kids and elderly. I am a good person. MC's thoughts sound like he is a robot. Yes, sometimes a person can list things as if he is remembering, and so on. Doesn't mean you can write it like this.

Len brought him to her room, Matt's heart rose a degree. She brought him he was nervous. That's it. Btw, it's a wrong idiom, heart rose a degree.
An important note, I haven't noticed the same problem in the Mob. Though clunky, Mob kinda flows and looks like a proper story.

That's it. As I said to you, this is feedback from a reader's perspective. The things I mentioned here are something that I genuinely notice when I read. Yet because I'm not as good of an author nor don't know English as well, I couldn't show you what exactly was wrong with Mob in my eyes. I hope this feedback would be more helpful, and sorry if I sounded rude. There was no intent to bash your work or insult you.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5-1.75 stars.

 

[MansonFD7]

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.

Maybe via comment, or PM on my profile. Whatever you want.

 

[Corty]

Hi, I'd like some feedback whenever you feel like, here is good. Thank you in advance however harsh it is going to be:)

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/593773/detective-everlong/

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi, I'd like some feedback whenever you feel like, here is good. Thank you in advance however harsh it is going to be:)

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/593773/detective-everlong/

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter Hiyori.

I can't say much about the novel because I can't force myself to read more. The reason for that is I dislike the way you write. Your paragraphing is bad, the way you write the thoughts of the MC is bad, and there are way too much unnecessary descriptions and weird metaphors. There are also strange idioms, minor logical mistakes, and overly long sentences.

Moreover, as there was nothing but descriptions and metaphors, there was literally nothing in the story. Nothing happened.

I didn't notice anything else, as all my attention was drawn to how you write.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75-2 stars.