[Closed] Free Feedback from the Prince

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Now it does,
also, did you see lore 15 dropped earlier today?

I did! Anon get some cushy little spoon time! LOL!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I would like feedback on mine as well. In His Will

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Thank you for submitting to my Supreme All-Encompassing Flattering Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of the latest chapter: Chapter 6

Thank you for your patience. I see you haven't updated in a while. And I haven't seen you around in a while, so i hope you are doing well.

I like the motivation of the mc trying to save her friend, the slow revelation of how her powers work. Adds some mystery for the readers to uncover as you go on. Then, once we figured that out, we've already began the next mystery.
Well done transition.

/
I want to mention in ch1 you write that mc left hand does things. But when you write it like that it gives the impression the hand has a mind of its own. Kinda awkward/wierd way to write it. Correction would be that mc does thing with hand or mc uses hand to do thing. Not hand did thing.
[Chapters later, and a few days after writing previous paragraph]
Ok i understand that you are trying to make her future body dissociated from her actual body, but, it still distracts me every time i see it. Perhaps early on, explain the dissociation better for the reader.
/

I do wish I understood the world a bit better. We are in MC's perspective, and there are several things that are normal to her that are not to us. But i think this may be your storytelling strategy so i won't push it.
I like that their power is increased by how people percieve them and how they want to be percieved.

MCs faith plays a big part of why I liked your story. From her memorized verses to her alias, it makes me like the spirit and the possible message you are ultimately sending.

For me personally, it's missing something that would make me add it to my hoard. What that something is, I am unsure.
Maybe it needs stronger flavor? This is right after reading Charisma which is overflowing with flavor so maybe just bad timing.
It may also be that superheroes are just not usually my thing.

I do hope you continue your story, especially if it is one you deeply wish to tell. You've done a good job so far.

Overall, my ranking for your story is: Well Done
I wish there was more of it to read.

I pray that you are doing well with God and following his ways with joy. Amen.

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[MuseWeaver]

Would love feedback on my webnovel and the back cover.

Muse of Maven

A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Infinityphoenix]

I'd love feedback on my story. But... each of my chapters is 10k so I'm fine with you reading only the first chapter (Not chapter 0 prologue, that one is optional and only 1k words)

Keeper of Totality [Time-Travel LitRPG]

The death of the Hero reset the timeline. That wasn’t what Lucy had intended when she made that last soul attack while dying. But she returned to Earth and tried to do the obvious thing: use her knowledge of the future to dominate the System’s Tower. Except A:...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ge-O-Fey]

Hellossu!
Are you still giving feedback?

If so I would like one about my story Infinity Seed | Scribble Hub
I'm new here, so there's only one chapter for now.

Thanks for reading.

 

[LowinKeshin]

@Prince_Azmiran_Myrian
Thank you for the read, feedback and suggestions! I'll be sure to rewrite some of those left handy thingies. Marc said the same thing as well. As for the world building, I honestly don't know how to tell it without making it sound info dumpy. So I just made it a little by little revelation sort of thing (don't know if this exists).

I'm not sure what that flavor meant, but I do hope I get to add something tasty?

Also, yes, I've been busy and stressed for the last couple months, but I've sorted it out last week and been writing again . Though I kept rewriting chapter 7, as it didn't hit the passable mark yet for me, there are like 4 drafts already .

 

[MintiLime]

Hello! First time writer here. I was wondering if you could check out my story:

Divine Puppets​

Divine Puppets

Selling your soul may be the price of magic in fairytales, but your free will is much more valuable to the deities of Maharnak. After all, what could be more useful than slaves following your every command? Some people choose to willingly walk this path as one of the Holy...

www.scribblehub.com

I think my main issue might be the amount of dialogue right now. I was trying for a decent amount of exposition without info-dumping as a narrator. I also think that the first chapter (split into a ton of parts) might be a bit off putting since it’s fragmented into so many short scenes. My reasoning was that I really wanted to get our major players on the board first, with later chapters being more focused. Any feedback appreciated

 

[MrToothySmiles]

Great Melon Eating Prince, All though I don't want to expose myself, Care to give feedback to this one?. Deep Glooms my alt..

My story came to life today

As a miner writer, transmigrating into his own book had been a heavenly blessing for him. Death does not matter as long as i cross over! Seeing, feeling and hearing. Watching the world which has become reality, who knows this world better then i? The misunderstandings i created unfolded, The...

www.scribblehub.com

Maybe This one as well? Its okay if not.

Disfigured

Is abnormality Sickness? or is it a normal that is rejected by the mass majority? A healthy plant will always have smooth leaves since young, and an ugly plant will always have spots even in its seeds. If a black cat has crossed your path, the path is bound to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Jacks]

Here's mine! Would love your feedback on Jade Edge

 

[TUSOG]

Here's a link to my novel. Thanks

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I’d appreciate any feedback you could give me. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/554980/annas-dream/

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Thank you for submitting to my Virtuous Uplifting Scrutinizing Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 22
I stopped because I have had enough.

Since you already saw much feedback on your writing from others, I will De-emphasise writing aspect and try to focus on the spirit of your work.

It took a bit for me to get into, but when the adventurers showed up things became more interesting.

I'm a fan of using TTRPG as a story format. The beginning really seemed like the backstory for your character. Much of the adventure afterward felt like a dnd narrative.

The focus of the story is as the synopsis states: Anna figuring out how to live in this world. But there's a weird emphasis on sexual elements, and there's a recuring theme of deviancy and avoiding marriage for some reason. But seeing as these characters are adventurers or miscreants such backstories make more sense.
There are also a lot of sexual harassment wherever they go, which i found annoying.

I think I disagree with several of the sexual morals that seem to be your foundation, and dislike a few of the ways you portray some peoples or situations. There seems to be men vs women theme that I find is divisive, theres not enough focus on good, mostly on the bad. I find this sexual conflict distasteful whenever I see it in any media.

Now, perhaps if you had included more depictions of good relationships or helpful people it would give some relief and provide a juxtaposition to the negativity encountered so often. You know, actually show people with beautiful dreams in between fighting nightmares. I feel like the focus is too much on Anna.

The party tries to help people and she has pretty decent friends. Though, it's odd that they are so accepting with little/no problems whatsoever. (im talking about her true reveal) I guess she's been nice enough besides a few moments where she gets offended. She is a sorta like a child, in a way.

Your story description/synopsis is leaving out the focus of sexual elements and i think this belongs in the adult or at least mature genre. (Please add one of those genres)
The reason this is intrusive thoughts instead of questionable is because of the sexual elements.

This is the furthest I read into a request so far. Partly because I enjoyed it until the more recent chapters, and also partly because I wanted to see if the sexual emphasis changed, which it didn't.

Sorry if my paragraphs are disjointed or hard to follow, I didn't write them all at the same time or in order.

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Intrusive thoughts
Mostly for the focus on sexual elements, otherwise it is Questionable

I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ gives you revelation to understanding of your need for salvation and His love for you that provides that. Amen.

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[RepresentingEnvy]

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I have quite the backlog...
I'm like 2 months behind.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

mergn't

 

[Cloudee77]

New author here, would like feedback on the following story. Thanks in advance

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Please bear with my meh story.

So I got a sword…..

A story about a girl who finds a talking sword. Ain't much else to it. But hey, join her in this not so grand adventure of passing school. I can only hope you'll enjoy it.

www.scribblehub.com

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Thank you for submitting to my Timely Never Rushed Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 7: Good Night
I stopped because I'm trying to catch up and finish this one tonight, and I think I've seen enough for decent judgement.

I'm going to start with my spiritual judgement, as my writing judgment got sorta long.

From what I can tell, your story is going to be about your MCs overcoming or dealing with their asocial tendencies. I like this sort of subject, as I consider myself asocial irl, and i think that a slice of life genre is a good choice for that subject.

At least, that's what I'm hoping your going for more or less. It's also possible that's not your intention. Both your MCs' backstories are kinda sad and I hope they can find a way to overcome them positively.

I think there are some funny moments, like covering up the burn with a vase or Al screaming his frustrations at the dead.

There's not much I find objectionable, but it's not amazing yet either. As I've said, i see the glimmerings of genuine intentions but I haven't the time to read more.

Furthermore, I hope that you are able to overcome your lack interest in other persons, which i sense may be why you are writing this in the first place.

As an aside, your the second story in a row that features cupcakes. Whats up with that? If i see a third one in a row I'm going to start thinking theres a conspiracy.

Writing judgement.

(I now realize that's a lot of homework I just gave you...)

I think you should actually say what your story is about in you synopsis/description. Adding more tags could help, too. As it is, it looks like you are uncertain about or don't care much about your work. I hope this isn't the case.

I saw that you were worried about info dumping, but for as far as i read, i didn't see any dumping.

I do think you suffer a little from talking heads syndrome. To remedy this, i would read through this user's tutorial. I know it helped me with my writing. Mostly the dialogue portion of the post v.

Writing - [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue

Want to Know the Biggest Secret in the Fiction Writing Industry? It's not the Plotting they use, the Characters, the Theme, the Settings, or anything else like that. It's the Sentence Structure. DISCLAIMER: This is how I was taught to structure dialogue for publication purposes -- by my...

forum.scribblehub.com

I also think you could improve your descriptions a bit. >https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/tutorial-is-description-really-needed-yes.6672/

I know the focus of your story isn't action, but if you care to write realer swordfighting you could look up some HEMA practitioners (historical European Martial Arts) like skallagrim or maybe Shadiversity on Youtube. I think that footwork and the various stances might be interesting.

...

Well, it's up to you what you want to do. None of it is required but it is a way to improve and perhaps reignite interest. If you really only care about telling your MCs' stories then focus on that.

I think part of the fun of being a new writer is finding new ways to express your ideas, even if it can be difficult and time consuming. Don't feel disheartened, a story with a lot of heart can be impactful to the right people.

Hope you found my feedback helpful and encouraging!

Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Questionable
But I'm hopeful it'll be Well Done.

I pray the you encounter the bountiful love of God and His son Jesus Christ. May you find a family you wish to share yourself with in days to come. May He stoke love in your heart. Amen.

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[RepresentingEnvy]

So a dragon, a question mark, and a vampire walk into a bar....

 

[Deleted member 113259]

So a dragon, a question mark, and a vampire walk into a bar....

Which question mark?

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Which question mark?

Doesn’t matter.

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Doesn’t matter.

ew a puppet.