I read to the end of
Chapter 7: Good Night
I stopped because I'm trying to catch up and finish this one tonight, and I think I've seen enough for decent judgement.
I'm going to start with my spiritual judgement, as my writing judgment got sorta long.
From what I can tell, your story is going to be about your MCs overcoming or dealing with their asocial tendencies. I like this sort of subject, as I consider myself asocial irl, and i think that a slice of life genre is a good choice for that subject.
At least, that's what I'm hoping your going for more or less. It's also possible that's not your intention. Both your MCs' backstories are kinda sad and I hope they can find a way to overcome them
positively.
I think there are some funny moments, like covering up the burn with a vase or Al screaming his frustrations at the dead.
There's not much I find objectionable, but it's not amazing yet either. As I've said, i see the glimmerings of genuine intentions but I haven't the time to read more.
Furthermore, I hope that
you are able to overcome your lack interest in other persons, which i sense may be why you are writing this in the first place.
As an aside, your the second story in a row that features cupcakes. Whats up with that? If i see a third one in a row I'm going to start thinking theres a conspiracy.
Writing judgement.
(I now realize that's a lot of homework I just gave you...)
I think you should actually say what your story is about in you synopsis/description. Adding more tags could help, too. As it is, it looks like you are uncertain about or don't care much about your work. I hope this isn't the case.
I saw that you were worried about info dumping, but for as far as i read, i didn't see any dumping.
I do think you suffer a little from talking heads syndrome. To remedy this, i would read through this user's tutorial. I know it helped me with my writing. Mostly the dialogue portion of the post v.
Want to Know the Biggest Secret in the Fiction Writing Industry? It's not the Plotting they use, the Characters, the Theme, the Settings, or anything else like that. It's the Sentence Structure. DISCLAIMER: This is how I was taught to structure dialogue for publication purposes -- by my...
forum.scribblehub.com
I also think you could improve your descriptions a bit. >
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/tutorial-is-description-really-needed-yes.6672/
I know the focus of your story isn't action, but if you care to write realer swordfighting you could look up some HEMA practitioners (historical European Martial Arts) like skallagrim or maybe Shadiversity on Youtube. I think that footwork and the various stances might be interesting.
...
Well, it's up to you what you want to do. None of it is required but it is a way to improve and perhaps reignite interest. If you really only care about telling your MCs' stories then focus on that.
I think part of the fun of being a new writer is finding new ways to express your ideas, even if it can be difficult and time consuming. Don't feel disheartened, a story with a lot of heart can be impactful to the right people.
Hope you found my feedback helpful and encouraging!