May I have this opportunity as well? on thread, please. I'm thankful for any feedback.
The Story of my Cute Snek
I only finished the first chapter to start off, but I already noticed many flaws in the writing. There are tense swaps over multiple sentences that I am not sure if this is present tense or past tense. Most of the language used leads me to believe it is present tense. If that is the case sentences like "
I couldn’t, for the life of me, make out the situation I am in" should match the tense being used. "I couldn't, for the life of me, make out the situation I was in"; "I can't, for the life of me, make out the situation I am in." Those are both more correct ways of rewriting the same sentence using past and present.
"I don’t know if it was the confusing response given by the voice, or the lack of danger in my surroundings right now, but I did start calming down." This sentence is also incorrect usage of tense. "...if it
was the confusing response...
lack of danger in my surroundings right now (then)...I
did start calming down." There are many instances of this throughout the same chapter. I have given you a more correct form that uses past tense, but you can also change the other two parts to present.
There are more issues, but I want to highlight how important it is to keep to one tense in the same sentence. The reader won't know if it is happening in the past or in the present. There are also other grammatical problems, but I think this is the most pressing concern. The grammar is good enough that it is coherent in all other aspects; however, I cannot give you more than 2
. There is very little nuance in the writing. That being said, it is easily understood when you clean up the tenses.
Personal Enjoyment: 
(2/5)
I want to start off this section by saying that I am biased against LitRPG's. I do like that your story actually uses the system, instead of relegating it to a window only. However, this is also my issue. A lot of the exposition is given through the system messages, and we are given conclusions that require little thinking from the reader. The main character is immediately given the answers to their questions without having to discover them on their own. Their internal monologues are answered by the system, and we are rushed through it. It is difficult to tell what kind of person the MC is. They feel inspired by Japanese MC's with their "Eh's..." and "Uwaa's...". That isn't a slight against your story or Japanese stories. Those tropes are enjoyable and successful to many people, and in those quotes, I see some character from your MC. Other than that, I can't really pinpoint a personality of your character.
There is no backstory given about the character before the transmigration. I don't know what type of person they were or what they did. I don't know why she goes through these internal monologues. She doesn't feel like a character that I can relate to. Of course, this is all coming from only reading one chapter, so maybe she gets better? The first chapter does not hook me into the story. It reads similar to many isekais on the same platform. She is transported to a world (no problems here). She is given a system (LitRPG's are usually not my cup of tea). She quickly adapts to the situation after passing out (this is where I run into the problem separate from the writing).
I would also recommend cutting out phrasings that aren't needed.
“Oh, it doesn’t follow my sight like the other one, I guess.” Adding "I guess" doesn't add anything here. You could argue that it adds character, but I think it only serves to make her unsure of herself. It contradicts the fact that she witnessed it doing exactly that. She saw that it didn't follow her line of sight, so it is not a guess.
Despite everything I just said, this does appeal to the SH reader base. It is fast paced, and if you fix the issues of tense, you could have even more appeal. You must fix your upload schedule though. I realize you haven't written a chapter in months. Your tags are fine, but the upload schedule is very important to growth. Uploading consistently will give you more front page visibility, and your readers won't move on to someone else. Of course, I also suffer the problem of inconsistency, so I won't harp on about it.
Conclusion
Fix the many tense issues present within the first chapter for better reader comprehension, and you will have a more appealing story. I would have liked more character from the MC, but I also didn't read far enough to see if she changes. I am not a huge fan of LitRPG, but even then, I don't think having the questions answered so quickly makes me want to read further. With all of that said, if you fix your upload schedule (even without changing the aforementioned), you will be able to garner a sizeable reader count.
