Free feedback thread.

[SailusGebel]

I didn't know multiple chapters flagged you as spam, I sort of figured it would be the total opposite... as in, seeing a story with several chapters already up would be more attractive because if you liked it, you wouldn't have to wait. I have about 13 chapters done but I will stagger the uploads.

Although most readers obvioualy prefer more chapters, if you bulk upload you get less opportunities to get noticed. Plus, if you upload too much, readers will get tired. It's not a rule, but more of an observation. If your chapters are less than 1000 words, you should update more regularly, like five chapters a week and more. But if your chapters are 2500 words, 3000 words, or more, you should upload like three times a week. And don't forget that uploading regularly is the most important thing. Uploading ten chapters in one day is bad unless you have a stockpile of 300 chapter. Uploading ten chapters at regular and stable intervals, for example, one chapter each monday, and one each friday, is a lot better.

 

[DocForL]

Rise of the Ascended Warrior
Hello, Hope you're having a good day.
This is my first work that I'm taking seriously, so I would prefer brutal honesty and criticism, and I wouldn't mind if you read only the first chapter -- each one of the first two chapters has a 3500+ word count --

 

[Rivertalon]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please review this book. You can just post on the thread.

 

[SailusGebel]

Thank you very much for the time! I've taken all your feedback into consideration and have already begun making some modifications, particularly with the synopsis which has been completely re-written.

I would like your opinion on my second story if you will:

House of Fun

Determined to rescue a little girl found in a dungeon, three High School baseball teammates unite against a devilish force, engaging in a real-life, modern version of Dungeons & Dragons. To protect her from the sights of horrors that might lay ahead, they decide to carry her blindfolded...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter It’s All Fun and Games #3

Once again, you have a bad synopsis. This time there is also weird and confusing formatting. You write this. What you can find in this story There is nothing wrong in simply explaining what to expect from a book. After all, this is a web novel that you write as a hobby, so only snobs will look down on such a synopsis.

HOWEVER, you write a phrase that can only be seen and interpreted as if you are leaving behind the flowery prose, mystery, and other things; and going straight to the point.

Strategic gameplay:
Using each player’s unique set of shields, weapons and skills to walk it through. Will they all make it? What the hell is this question doing in that part of your synopsis? What you can find in this story Will they all make it? The hell? Like, what? Why?


Now let me talk about the story. First and foremost, I want to mention this thing.

"That thing with Lily, it was all my fault," Michael began to confess, his voice tinged with regret. "See, I've always thought Lily should have had an older sister instead of an older brother." Ethan and Jake protested, their voices overlapping. "No, don't say that, Mikey." Michael motioned for them to hold on with a raised hand.

Jake continued, "I've never witnessed anything like that from a girl before," his gaze returning to Ethan, who affirmed with a nod, "Neither have I."

Whenever it's another person talking, split the paragraph. It's even more important in your case because, once again, everyone talks the same.

More about the dialogues. They are a lot worse, and the reason for that is it's the same prose but a different setting. I can understand when knights, nobles, and so on talk like that. Can't understand why people would talk like that now. Another point is way too many tags. Action tags, dialogue tags, and so on. Not only this adds to the confusion, it also slows down the pace. It's not okay when every single dialogue line, even short ones, is accompanied by two tags.

Even more about dialogues. There is a huge discrepancy in what you describe, and what your characters say. The clown and the two girls don't talk like they should.

About clown, this is partially a problem of repetitions. The same words and even the same sentence or phrase structures ruin the atmosphere and suspense to me. It felt like you wrote how clown is sinister at least three-four times, but then you write this.

"Ah, a tough soldier! Let's see if you can handle the pressure, hero!" What pressure?

Honestly, with the way you write, everything felt nonsensical. You keep telling how this is creepy, or that is intimidating, but you never show it. And when you decide to show, for example, the SNEERING clown, I get this. "What's the matter, little one? Scared of a silly old clown? I bet you can't hit the target even if you tried!" Wow, what a dreadful and evil clown.

When you were writing about fantasy and nobles, I could tolerate your prose. Since it's high society and there were no attempts to evoke strong emotions from a reader(me). However here, you've tried to make a horror, but it simply doesn't work because you focus on the wrong things.

And that's the end of my feedback. It's hard for me to explain properly what I mean, so I don't know what else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Nifty

 

[SailusGebel]

Rise of the Ascended Warrior
Hello, Hope you're having a good day.
This is my first work that I'm taking seriously, so I would prefer brutal honesty and criticism, and I wouldn't mind if you read only the first chapter -- each one of the first two chapters has a 3500+ word count --

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: Beyond a Sealed Door

Sorry for writing this feedback so late, was busy with stuff. And I only read chapter one since you've asked for that.

I can't say much about the story, sorry. The reason for that is simple. It looks too much like a script. The different colors used, the difference in tenses, and the lack of details make me perceive this as a script. It's not as bad as the previous case I had in this thread, but I couldn't focus on the story properly.

I think the grammar is okay, but the dialogues are, well, bad. Because they look like they were made to be adapted. I didn't notice grammar mistakes or weird phrases, but I yet again return to the text looking like a script. Even though I didn't notice mistakes, I didn't enjoy reading it.

The pacing is kinda off since there is a lack of details. The ratio of dialogues to everything else is very skewed.

As for the story, like worldbuilding, characters, and so on, I didn't notice any mistakes. Sometimes, even though I read just a couple of chapters of the story there are mistakes present. I don't think yours had any. At least I didn't notice any. This is a plus.

And that's pretty much everything I can say here.

 

[Anon2024]

Smoke that tumbleweed.

 

[DocForL]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: Beyond a Sealed Door

Sorry for writing this feedback so late, was busy with stuff. And I only read chapter one since you've asked for that.

I can't say much about the story, sorry. The reason for that is simple. It looks too much like a script. The different colors used, the difference in tenses, and the lack of details make me perceive this as a script. It's not as bad as the previous case I had in this thread, but I couldn't focus on the story properly.

I think the grammar is okay, but the dialogues are, well, bad. Because they look like they were made to be adapted. I didn't notice grammar mistakes or weird phrases, but I yet again return to the text looking like a script. Even though I didn't notice mistakes, I didn't enjoy reading it.

The pacing is kinda off since there is a lack of details. The ratio of dialogues to everything else is very skewed.

As for the story, like worldbuilding, characters, and so on, I didn't notice any mistakes. Sometimes, even though I read just a couple of chapters of the story there are mistakes present. I don't think yours had any. At least I didn't notice any. This is a plus.

And that's pretty much everything I can say here.

Thanks for replying, I could say this style is a kind of experiment I tried, but in the last couple of days I've moved on to a more traditional style, and In the future I'll try not to disappoint.
Hope you have a good day.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

As it is my first project with more than 3 chapters written in the English language, I'm a bit unsecure about it, but well, here we are, I'd like to request a test of endurance for my one month old story.

 

[SailusGebel]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please review this book. You can just post on the thread.

Sorry for taking so much time to write this feedback, at first I was busy with stuff and then I got lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1 : New world

Two things I have to mention before I start the feedback. The first is a friendly advice. If you write such short chapters, your average words per chapter is 1,266, you have to update more frequently.

The second, why would you use a Japanese name(MC?)? Sure, I won't deduct points in your case since it doesn't matter now, but it makes me question your choice even more.

Okay, with this out of the way, let me start my feedback. There is a fair share of different grammar and technical mistakes. And from what I've seen after quickly skimming through your last chapter, you didn't fix it.

The first thing isn't necessarily a mistake, but you should make a decision. Do you want to use double space between your paragraphs or not? Using double space to separate certain things, for example, the start of a new day, in a chapter, is okay. It's not okay to randomly change the space between the paragraphs since formatting is important. Personally, I like it when there is a single space, but you do you.

Speaking of formatting issues.
“ You alive?”
“ Want some”
The above are just a few examples, there are a lot more, and you didn't fix it in the latest chapter, so, I assume you didn't fix it at all.

You make random capitalizations.
As he looking around himself to confirm if he was truly Kicked
Yuji take his time and Analyzed
“So, this is how it is” Yuji said In a low voice, he Can’t
Again, these are examples. It doesn't mean that there are no more similar mistakes.

The opposite has also happened.
What the hell is this? a gaming character sheet” Yuji exclaimed in shock. You didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence. Though in this case, this is the only one I noticed. Maybe there are more, but I didn't notice more.

This sentence actually has yet another mistake.
What the hell is this? a gaming character sheet” Yuji exclaimed in shock.

And here is one more sentence with the same mistake.
“ Why? Why always me” He scream

Where is the exclamation mark? In fact, where are any punctuation marks at all? Like, a question mark? A full stop\dot, a comma, anything. These examples are a perfect explanation of your mistake since you can understand what kind of punctuation mark you need. But there are also these sentences.

“His pulse increasing”
“ Well well, don’t get over excided now Yuji, let’s first understand the system” This sentence, on top of no punctuation mark, also has the same formatting issue as I mentioned above.

You have severe tense problems.

Through this entrance of the shelter he saw the tilting sun that slowly vanishing in the horizon

This sentence is a good example to illustrate that you have to stick to one tense. Use one tense in descriptions, expositions, and so on. Use different tenses when you write dialogue lines. That's it.

And now, I will show all kinds of mistakes that were mostly in a single instance.

But all of his dream s shattered Typo.

If god not pulling a prank on him then what is it?. Typo?

But soon a realizing donned onto Yuji. Wrong word. Should be realization.

He shift his gaze focus No need for two words here, either one is okay, while two don't make sense.

“ What was that noise? “Where am I?” Formatting issues and too many quotation marks.

goat’s lot’s of goat’s everywhere. No need for apostrophes, and you missed a comma.

A couple of examples from the latest chapter.

“ They tried to brake the wall but failed” answered Yuji
“Anything else”
“Did you noticed anything else” Wise one repeat his question.

he doesn’t wants to be seen as rude goat so he said senior

. This one isn't edited. It's probably a typo.


With grammar mostly out of the way, I can talk a little bit about the actual story, right? Well, obviously not, since I've read only one chapter. But this one chapter has left me dissatisfied. There is no story. Yes, this is an isekai, and yes you have all kinds of backstories and future revelations and whatnot, but I simply don't like how you wrote the first chapter. It has no emotions.

Take the very first couple of paragraphs, the ones about the hospital. They are hollow, they don't add a thing. If you cut them out, you won't lose anything. The reason for that is partially your writing.

“His pulse increasing”
“We’re losing him,” says a doctor.
This is freaking dry as hell. I understand that surgeons or whatever doctor it is are used to patients dying and they won't scream at the top of their lungs for every dying person. I understand this. But not to the point that there are NO emotions shown.

Especially, after you write this. and a few doctors and nurses are trying everything they can to keep him alive. Moreover, this is fiction, and they talk about MC. Add at least a little bit in a dialogue line or a dialogue tag.

Anyway, you might argue that this part is necessary to justify MC talking about the hospital later on. Nope. It isn't necessary. We can guess what happened from this. As he struggled to breath he looked around, but to his surprise he wasn’t greeted by the lights of the hospital nor by the angry nurse

And there are a lot more instances when you write something that doesn't matter, while not mentioning things that will help me bond with MC and care about him. It's not about short chapters, it's about focusing on the wrong sentences.

And this is it. I didn't find any good parts, sorry. No, there was one. I understand and comprehend what you write. I rate this highly. However, it wasn't pleasant to read, and there was no story. Is your story atrocious? No. But it needs a lot of work. Moreover, if you fix at least technical\grammar issues and are somehow able to post more chapters, I believe you will achieve at least a relative popularity.

As for the story part, well, it was my subjective opinion. Maybe others will like it more? I don't know. What I want to say is, fix the formatting\typos. Those are objective. As for everything else, ask for more feedback before acting. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

I got high

 

[Rivertalon]

Sorry for taking so much time to write this feedback, at first I was busy with stuff and then I got lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1 : New world

Two things I have to mention before I start the feedback. The first is a friendly advice. If you write such short chapters, your average words per chapter is 1,266, you have to update more frequently.

The second, why would you use a Japanese name(MC?)? Sure, I won't deduct points in your case since it doesn't matter now, but it makes me question your choice even more.

Okay, with this out of the way, let me start my feedback. There is a fair share of different grammar and technical mistakes. And from what I've seen after quickly skimming through your last chapter, you didn't fix it.

The first thing isn't necessarily a mistake, but you should make a decision. Do you want to use double space between your paragraphs or not? Using double space to separate certain things, for example, the start of a new day, in a chapter, is okay. It's not okay to randomly change the space between the paragraphs since formatting is important. Personally, I like it when there is a single space, but you do you.

Speaking of formatting issues.
“ You alive?”
“ Want some”
The above are just a few examples, there are a lot more, and you didn't fix it in the latest chapter, so, I assume you didn't fix it at all.

You make random capitalizations.
As he looking around himself to confirm if he was truly Kicked
Yuji take his time and Analyzed
“So, this is how it is” Yuji said In a low voice, he Can’t
Again, these are examples. It doesn't mean that there are no more similar mistakes.

The opposite has also happened.
What the hell is this? a gaming character sheet” Yuji exclaimed in shock. You didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence. Though in this case, this is the only one I noticed. Maybe there are more, but I didn't notice more.

This sentence actually has yet another mistake.
What the hell is this? a gaming character sheet” Yuji exclaimed in shock.

And here is one more sentence with the same mistake.
“ Why? Why always me” He scream

Where is the exclamation mark? In fact, where are any punctuation marks at all? Like, a question mark? A full stop\dot, a comma, anything. These examples are a perfect explanation of your mistake since you can understand what kind of punctuation mark you need. But there are also these sentences.

“His pulse increasing”
“ Well well, don’t get over excided now Yuji, let’s first understand the system” This sentence, on top of no punctuation mark, also has the same formatting issue as I mentioned above.

You have severe tense problems.

Through this entrance of the shelter he saw the tilting sun that slowly vanishing in the horizon

This sentence is a good example to illustrate that you have to stick to one tense. Use one tense in descriptions, expositions, and so on. Use different tenses when you write dialogue lines. That's it.

And now, I will show all kinds of mistakes that were mostly in a single instance.

But all of his dream s shattered Typo.

If god not pulling a prank on him then what is it?. Typo?

But soon a realizing donned onto Yuji. Wrong word. Should be realization.

He shift his gaze focus No need for two words here, either one is okay, while two don't make sense.

“ What was that noise? “Where am I?” Formatting issues and too many quotation marks.

goat’s lot’s of goat’s everywhere. No need for apostrophes, and you missed a comma.

A couple of examples from the latest chapter.

“ They tried to brake the wall but failed” answered Yuji
“Anything else”
“Did you noticed anything else” Wise one repeat his question.

he doesn’t wants to be seen as rude goat so he said senior

. This one isn't edited. It's probably a typo.


With grammar mostly out of the way, I can talk a little bit about the actual story, right? Well, obviously not, since I've read only one chapter. But this one chapter has left me dissatisfied. There is no story. Yes, this is an isekai, and yes you have all kinds of backstories and future revelations and whatnot, but I simply don't like how you wrote the first chapter. It has no emotions.

Take the very first couple of paragraphs, the ones about the hospital. They are hollow, they don't add a thing. If you cut them out, you won't lose anything. The reason for that is partially your writing.

“His pulse increasing”
“We’re losing him,” says a doctor.
This is freaking dry as hell. I understand that surgeons or whatever doctor it is are used to patients dying and they won't scream at the top of their lungs for every dying person. I understand this. But not to the point that there are NO emotions shown.

Especially, after you write this. and a few doctors and nurses are trying everything they can to keep him alive. Moreover, this is fiction, and they talk about MC. Add at least a little bit in a dialogue line or a dialogue tag.

Anyway, you might argue that this part is necessary to justify MC talking about the hospital later on. Nope. It isn't necessary. We can guess what happened from this. As he struggled to breath he looked around, but to his surprise he wasn’t greeted by the lights of the hospital nor by the angry nurse

And there are a lot more instances when you write something that doesn't matter, while not mentioning things that will help me bond with MC and care about him. It's not about short chapters, it's about focusing on the wrong sentences.

And this is it. I didn't find any good parts, sorry. No, there was one. I understand and comprehend what you write. I rate this highly. However, it wasn't pleasant to read, and there was no story. Is your story atrocious? No. But it needs a lot of work. Moreover, if you fix at least technical\grammar issues and are somehow able to post more chapters, I believe you will achieve at least a relative popularity.

As for the story part, well, it was my subjective opinion. Maybe others will like it more? I don't know. What I want to say is, fix the formatting\typos. Those are objective. As for everything else, ask for more feedback before acting. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thx for your advice. It's seems I took writing too lightly.

I'll try my best and improve it.

 

[Raymann]

Okay, we all know the drill, right? RIGHT!? The glorious comeback of reviewer you will never forget(), the ass ripper, the one who bashes newbies, the man, the myth, the legend. Based silusgimbel .

Newbie-->

4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Immediately adds GL tag*
Safe.

 

[SailusGebel]

As it is my first project with more than 3 chapters written in the English language, I'm a bit unsecure about it, but well, here we are, I'd like to request a test of endurance for my one month old story.

Sorry for taking so much time to write this feedback, at first I was busy with stuff and then I got lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: The Lady of the Annex (1)

And I can't say much. The only bad thing I can say is, please, split your paragraphs. I don't know. Maybe this is only my problem, but it's hard to read your novel on a phone. And the reason for that is the lack of any space between the paragraphs.

Also, is this a typo? 'Now way,' she thought, as the realization kicked in, 'is this it?'

With this out of the way, I don't think I can mention anything even remotely objective. Personally, I like the way you write, your prose, whatever you want to call it. It has a good balance. There are fluff and flowery parts that don't compromise the readability. I rate this highly. But as I said, the lack of any sort of separation between the paragraphs ruins it.

The actual story? Well, you didn't have any problems or mistakes so far. This is good. I know this sounds lackluster, but I've seen stories that had logical mistakes from the get-go.

I have no intention of reading more since your story is not my cup of tea, so I obviously can't say much about the characters, world, and so on. For the same reason, it is a plus. However, this is also the biggest downside of your novel for me.

I remember Fox-Trot-9's novel that was in the same vein as yours. About villainess or something. I won't remember yours. When it comes to technicalities, you are better than FoxTrot, it's easier to read(if not for paragraphs), in my opinion, of course. Yet your premise, synopsis, or whatever you want to call is so, generic. From the get-go, Assurbanipal_II did the same thing. A cool, powerful woman\girl, somehow ends up in the body of basically a living doll(a very weak girl).

Why should I read your story? I understand that this one stings a lot, and this is VERY subjective. However, I want you to ask this question to yourself. Why should a reader read your story, and not someone else's? I already mentioned two similar stories. Obviously there will be differences later on in yours and their stories. But, you have to read to that point. To read to that point, you have to get interested in the novel. Why would a reader be interested in your novel? Besides the stories(well, authors) that I mentioned above, there were more novels of the same theme. About villainesses or something related to this theme. I simply didn't remember any of them since they were all bland and generic.

Anyway, this is the end of my feedback. I will mention it for the last time, that me finding your story generic is subjective, so I won't deduct points for it. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.5 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Also, is this a typo? 'Now way,' she thought, as the realization kicked in, 'is this it?'

First of all, the embarrassment: Yes, it seems so. I will check it in a minute.

Sorry for taking so much time to write this feedback, at first I was busy with stuff and then I got lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: The Lady of the Annex (1)

Don't sweat it, I'm happy to see you come back to it anyway. A bit sad that it's not your cup of tea, but it's not like I expected it to be.

And I can't say much. The only bad thing I can say is, please, split your paragraphs. I don't know. Maybe this is only my problem, but it's hard to read your novel on a phone. And the reason for that is the lack of any space between the paragraphs.

To be honest, this story doesn't have paragraphs. It might be a weird thing to say, since I have just changed something and deleted the author-notes regarding it, but you might have still seen it was up on Webnovel first. It was the main site as well (I crosspost on two sites, usually - in this case originally Webnovel as the main host and Wattpad as a side bitch). I took it off both sites and maid this one the main host, when I had a slight fallout with Webnovel on my own accord.
Anyway, Webnovel was the main host and I don't know if you know, but the Inkstone editor doesn't allow any sort of formatting. No italics, no alignment, and also no spaces in between paragraphs. So I wrote this story in a way that it wouldn't have paragraphs within a chapter. I already started adding formatting when I moved the story right off the bat, but regarding paragraphs, I decided to have it stay that way for the time being, since the chapters are pretty short.

Why should I read your story? I understand that this one stings a lot, and this is VERY subjective. However, I want you to ask this question to yourself. Why should a reader read your story, and not someone else's?

To be honest, that doesn't sting at all. I literally made a thread in the forum a few days ago, asking for help in my synopsis, because I'm shit at writing them. The exact problem I have is that I am unable to either pick what a reader might find interesting, especially without spoiling everything, or that I do write down stuff that could be of interest, but it's way too much, so I can't decide and the synopsis ends up being so long, nobody actually wants to read through it (which is quite ironic, if you ask me).
You just assured me on my fears for that one. I already... uh, borrowed a synopsis written by someone else, but they didn't read the novel, so they only know what I wrote before that, making it probably not a lot more interesting. I'm a bit of a lost cause when it comes to that.

Anyway, this is the end of my feedback. I will mention it for the last time, that me finding your story generic is subjective, so I won't deduct points for it. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.5 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

As for the end of your feedback: Well, I'm not expecting a full five stars if you wouldn't normally read the story. I'd say, if the topic itself is what threw you off, you just read it because of my request, so let's take the synopsis out of the equation (since it's not part of the story), the only question I would have is why the 3.5 if only the paragraphs were the problem actually reading the story? It's fine if it's just that or if you don't want to answer, it just struck me as an interesting fact, since you didn't have much else to harp on it.
Again, I mean, you wouldn't normally read the story, sure, but I'd think that's irrelevant to this assessment, since the reason for going into it wasn't mere interest.

Other than that, I will settle on thanking you for your trouble.

 

[SailusGebel]

To be honest, this story doesn't have paragraphs. It might be a weird thing to say, since I have just changed something and deleted the author-notes regarding it, but you might have still seen it was up on Webnovel first. It was the main site as well (I crosspost on two sites, usually - in this case originally Webnovel as the main host and Wattpad as a side bitch). I took it off both sites and maid this one the main host, when I had a slight fallout with Webnovel on my own accord.
Anyway, Webnovel was the main host and I don't know if you know, but the Inkstone editor doesn't allow any sort of formatting. No italics, no alignment, and also no spaces in between paragraphs. So I wrote this story in a way that it wouldn't have paragraphs within a chapter. I already started adding formatting when I moved the story right off the bat, but regarding paragraphs, I decided to have it stay that way for the time being, since the chapters are pretty short.

Just checked my story on WN, and it has normal paragraphing. A single space between every paragraph. Maybe they changed something? Dunno.

As for the end of your feedback: Well, I'm not expecting a full five stars if you wouldn't normally read the story. I'd say, if the topic itself is what threw you off, you just read it because of my request, so let's take the synopsis out of the equation (since it's not part of the story), the only question I would have is why the 3.5 if only the paragraphs were the problem actually reading the story? It's fine if it's just that or if you don't want to answer, it just struck me as an interesting fact, since you didn't have much else to harp on it.
Again, I mean, you wouldn't normally read the story, sure, but I'd think that's irrelevant to this assessment, since the reason for going into it wasn't mere interest.

First of all, nothing is five stars. Even works that are both critically acclaimed and liked by me. And even if I start including manga, movies, comics, and so on, it will stay the same. Nothing is five stars for me. So, it's -0.25 stars from the rating. Approximately -0.5 stars for reading so little since I don't know what kind of potential problems might arise. At the same time, authors don't need to take my feedback too close to their hearts. Lastly, sometimes I simply can't explain what exactly I didn't like. Hard to say without knowing the proper writing terms, though, it's not your case.

In your case, you have approximately -0.25 stars for paragraphing. As for why it still doesn't add up, it's not that I deduced points. I didn't give more. Prose is good, but I've seen better, and the same is true for everything else. Everything is good, but I've simply seen better stuff in my feedback threads, so I don't feel like it's fair to give you a higher score.

It's not as fair and I can make mistakes, but since this is my personal rating and I only rate novels in my threads, I do it anyway. I made enough warnings that this is a subjective opinion from a reader. If some author(this isn't a passive-aggressive jab at you) still takes my feedback too seriously after all of it, well, not my problem.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Just checked my story on WN, and it has normal paragraphing. A single space between every paragraph. Maybe they changed something? Dunno.

Oh, that's what you meant. No, actually I did that on purpose, to try it out. I didn't expect you to mean that specifically, because I just changed it about an hour or two ago? I don't have a good feeling for time, but it was late in the evening, since I didn't sit down to do anything at all until past five, I think. I mean, it's a sunday.
I did that, because I like the tight spacing more when I do add paragraphs (another slightly ironic thing). I will leave it like that for a while, then maybe or maybe not change it back, as I always do with formatting trials.

First of all, nothing is five stars. Even works that are both critically acclaimed and liked by me. And even if I start including manga, movies, comics, and so on, it will stay the same. Nothing is five stars for me. So, it's -0.25 stars from the rating. Approximately -0.5 stars for reading so little since I don't know what kind of potential problems might arise. At the same time, authors don't need to take my feedback too close to their hearts. Lastly, sometimes I simply can't explain what exactly I didn't like. Hard to say without knowing the proper writing terms, though, it's not your case.

In your case, you have approximately -0.25 stars for paragraphing. As for why it still doesn't add up, it's not that I deduced points. I didn't give more. Prose is good, but I've seen better, and the same is true for everything else. Everything is good, but I've simply seen better stuff in my feedback threads, so I don't feel like it's fair to give you a higher score.

It's not as fair and I can make mistakes, but since this is my personal rating and I only rate novels in my threads, I do it anyway. I made enough warnings that this is a subjective opinion from a reader. If some author(this isn't a passive-aggressive jab at you) still takes my feedback too seriously after all of it, well, not my problem.

That is good to know, in any case, thank you for answering.

 

[AdOtherwise]

Okay, we all know the drill, right? RIGHT!? The glorious comeback of reviewer you will never forget(), the ass ripper, the one who bashes newbies, the man, the myth, the legend. Based silusgimbel .

All jokes aside, I have some free time on my hands and I don't see enough operating feedback threads. With M.G.Driver missing, Story_Marc and TheTrinary being busy with vids and their respective jobs, someone has to provide the feedback for newbies.

Important note, my feedback differs from other feedback threads. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author. I will give fair, but SUBJECTIVE feedback, and I will be blunt and harsh. Although I'm a lot tamer than I used to be, I will say whatever I think, without sugarcoating my thoughts.

The rules are simple.
1. You post a link to your story.
2. You state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM. If you don't specify where do you want your feedback, I will post it in this thread.
3. I read your story. After I read as much as I can(I won't force myself to read more than I want), I will reply to you.
4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

Don't know if I already replied but here it is.

 

[SailusGebel]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

Don't know if I already replied but here it is.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2 – Unknown World

I want to say a lot, but I'm not sure how to properly explain it. Descriptions are bad, exposition is bad, dialogues are bad, and characters aren't acting like humans. But the main points are that there is no story, and it is disjointed. Everything is disjointed and thrown together without any care for what you wrote before

Why there is no story? Because info dumps take the majority of your word count.

Through Feick's explanations,
Feick commented on the moons

Instead of actually explaining things through interaction and building the characters, you info dump via third-person POV. Not only that, in chapter two you info dump using both third-person POV and Feick's POV. There is an explanation, after an explanation of what is what. And tiny little bits of everything else. I can't consider this a story or proper storytelling.

Why is it disjointed?
This is probably because the contaminants are easy targets, You are using a third-person POV. You are info dumping, why are you using "probably"? It doesn't make any sense, and this is a single example.

Another one.
"I... I... don't know," he says, confused, holding his head in panic.
"Okay!" Cain says happily.

This is a fantasy, suspend your disbelief, don't self-insert, and blah-blah. This doesn't work like that. A young boy ends up who knows where, PISSES himself, and proceeds to hold his head in panic, but once a random man says he will tell him about the place, he replies HAPPILY.
To make this clear, this wouldn't have been such a problem if you explained why he feels happy. If you connected your scenes properly. If you explained what happens inside of his head to at least try to persuade me, I would've suspended my disbelief. Here, you don't concentrate on anything.

To elaborate even further.

The boy nods silently and gets dressed.

The boy's fears are confirmed as he makes various conclusions about the man in front of him and ends up wetting himself.

There are no further mentions of him pissing himself. This isn't brought up at all. Boy gets dressed, ends up pissing himself, and probably needs to change the clothes. What do we get?

The man sighs again and confidently states, "I didn't kill them; they just died of the plague. It's commonplace in these lands."No comments about the clothes. This Feick could've said that he doesn't have a spare, he could've found a spare and addressed the issue that happened before his eyes. But instead of descriptions of actual human interactions I get this. After reassuring the boy and using logic, the boy finally calms down.

Lastly, to address this issue from a different standpoint.
He tosses the clothes onto the boy's lap, and the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. It is then that he realizes he is naked. This wasn't fixed on RR btw.

Anyway, this is the end of my feedback. I can't explain what is wrong properly. I wrote above the best I can do. As I said, there is simply no story. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

Mom and wife girl on girl action.