Free feedback thread.

[Jacks]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: Little Girl

Before I start with the feedback, here is a friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.

Thoughts on the synopsis, I think it is way too barebones, and you have a mistake there. In the ordinary world, where Tsui had led a typical life in the modern era. The way you wrote it, this is only a first half of a sentence. Where is the second one? You cut a sentence in half in an inappropriate place.

I didn't get enough sleep, and the heat is melting my brain, so this is going to be very short; sorry for that.

Your story is not my cup of tea, so I have no intention of reading more. This leads me to the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on, I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems apart from that one line. This is also a plus since I saw some stories that had a lot of logical mistakes or minor plotholes in the first few chapters.

Another good thing is that your novel is easy to read and understand.

Bad parts. You have tense issues. You have way too many dialogue tags. Too many are just as bad as too few. You have paragraphing problems. It's not even about half of your paragraphs being one-two sentences long. It's about cutting a description or exposition into two, three, or four parts, thus ruining the pace and ruining your prose.

And the usual, weird phrases.
their bond for each other is strong.
his armor has been ruined from the countless damage he had received, rendering it unrecognizable.
It was like the manifestation of a god, took on the mantle of death.

As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. Your novel isn't bad at all, but I can't say that it is good either. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Hi, thank you for taking out your time to help give feedback to my novel. I hope you will be getting enough sleep.
But can you explain the paragraphing problems and too many dialogue tags? I don't quite understand what they mean, is it possible if you provide an example from a chapter? Thank you for your help

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi, thank you for taking out your time to help give feedback to my novel. I hope you will be getting enough sleep.
But can you explain the paragraphing problems and too many dialogue tags? I don't quite understand what they mean, is it possible if you provide an example from a chapter? Thank you for your help

Examples of dialogue tags are highlighted parts.
“What should you do with your toys when you are done with them?” – said the mother.
Exasperated, Tsui couldn’t contain her irritation. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
In a befuddled tone, he asked, “Who…are you?”
“Couldn’t agree more.” The man, now answered in a serious tone.

There are also action tags, but it's basically the same as dialogue tag. Both are used to show who is talking. You have too many. Almost every dialogue line(sentences in quotation marks) has a tag. This is obviously only my opinion, and it's not a universal truth. Yet I think your novel will benifit if you cut off some tags. By some I mean approximately one third, maybe more, maybe less. Depends on the scene.

Paragraphing, is a bit harder to explain and illustrate. I guess the same example I used above is a good example.
In a befuddled tone, he asked,

“Who…are you?”
Splitting the dialogue tag and dialogue line looks weird to me.

This part right here looks weird. Because there is no reason to cut it like this.
The little girl leaned toward her father, tiptoeing to reach his face.

She gave him a sweet peck on the cheek, expressing her gratitude for his help.

 

[Jacks]

Examples of dialogue tags are highlighted parts.
“What should you do with your toys when you are done with them?” – said the mother.
Exasperated, Tsui couldn’t contain her irritation. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
In a befuddled tone, he asked, “Who…are you?”
“Couldn’t agree more.” The man, now answered in a serious tone.

There are also action tags, but it's basically the same as dialogue tag. Both are used to show who is talking. You have too many. Almost every dialogue line(sentences in quotation marks) has a tag. This is obviously only my opinion, and it's not a universal truth. Yet I think your novel will benifit if you cut off some tags. By some I mean approximately one third, maybe more, maybe less. Depends on the scene.

Paragraphing, is a bit harder to explain and illustrate. I guess the same example I used above is a good example.
In a befuddled tone, he asked,

“Who…are you?”
Splitting the dialogue tag and dialogue line looks weird to me.

This part right here looks weird. Because there is no reason to cut it like this.
The little girl leaned toward her father, tiptoeing to reach his face.

She gave him a sweet peck on the cheek, expressing her gratitude for his help.

Okay, I think I got what you mean. Thank you so much, I'll take in your advice and try to implement them into my new chapters.

 

[Cloudee77]

Hi, a new author here, would like some honest suggestions.

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

You can read upto whichever chapter you like. Thankyou for your efforts in advance.

 

[SailusGebel]

Okay, I think I got what you mean. Thank you so much, I'll take in your advice and try to implement them into my new chapters.

Don't be hasty. Ask for feedback in other threads. After all, everything I wrote here is only my subjective opinion, and I can be wrong.

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

Hi, can you also please provide feedback on my novel? I don't mind criticisms. I can take them as long as I can improve my work. Thank you!

The Transmigrated Heir of the Duke’s Family

Since he was a child, Colin has always been filled with curiosity. One day, after moving to their new home, he discovered a hidden place behind his wardrobe. Eager to find out more, he accidentally unleashed a sleeping Spirit Guardian, went to a different place, and . . . ended up getting his...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[MintiLime]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter This Cult Lacks a Personality (4)

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, SH readers prefer shorter chapters, but not as short. Currently, your average worcount per chapter is 607. First of all, it's way too little. The lowest number I've seen on trending was an average of around 700 words per chapter. HOWEVER, important note. If your chapters are so short, you have to upload at least once a day for a long time. This, "One update per week minimum; often will be more." should be "One update per DAY minimum; often will be more." Otherwise, small amount of words per chapter will repel readers. Which can be partially seen from a number of your views.

Okay, with this out of the way, I can talk about the story. And I can't say much.

The first and probably the most important thing I want to say is, to split up your paragraphs. The paragraphs that start with; "The beak lined", "They slowly step into the Baptismal Pool", “I know you were named for a bird, do you have to act like one?”, and other paragraphs of similar lengths. I don't care how you do it, but you should split them. Why? Because reading such paragraphs on a phone is pure torture.

The second thing I want to mention is subjective. I was lost. I read your story, and I can understand everything written on its own, yet when I try to make a full picture, I simply don't understand what the hell is happening. Assuming that you split your first chapter into seven parts, each part is actually a separate chapter. And they aren't connected. You lost me. I have no idea what is happening, why, and I have no desire to learn.

This is pretty much it, as I simply can't say anything good or bad. I didn't find any good or bad parts, because I couldn't understand what is actually happening. The last thing I will say, your prose is good.

Hey just wanted to say I appreciate the honest feedback! My newer chapters are now about 1,000 words in length and much more cohesive. I’m also trying to be more aware of text walls. Thank you again for taking your time to review the story!

 

[SailusGebel]

Hey just wanted to say I appreciate the honest feedback! My newer chapters are now about 1,000 words in length and much more cohesive. I’m also trying to be more aware of text walls. Thank you again for taking your time to review the story!

No problem, and don't forget that this is only my subjective opinion.

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi, a new author here, would like some honest suggestions.

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

You can read upto whichever chapter you like. Thankyou for your efforts in advance.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter. 2 Star Fragments

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam. You've basically killed your own novel by posting all chapters at the same time.

Now I can start my feedback. And the first thing I want to say is that it's a chore to read your novel. It's very hard to read and comprehend. There are two simple and objective reasons. I've briefly looked through all your chapters, and these reasons didn't change.

Extremely long paragraphs and sentences. Let's not talk about stuff like pacing, what is proper paragraphing, and so on. This is somewhat subjective. Let's talk about the objective part. Open any of your chapters on a small or medium-sized phone. To say that it is uncomfortable to read is an understatement. Again, without talking about anything subjective, reading such paragraphs and sentences on your phone is pure torture.

It's so bad(at least for me) that I couldn't even concentrate on finding any other mistakes, like typos, punctuation mistakes, or something else. All the time I was reading, I was trying hard not to lose focus.

The second thing I want to mention is this. (surveillance in disguise? Was she an important figure? Familiar contradiction was afloat). This is atrocious. Writing in a third-person POV yet using parenthesis is unacceptable.

The third and fourth things I want to mention are my subjective dislikes. Your prose, and the setting.

The prose is too flowery. Personally, I dislike when authors write like that. In the case of prose, I don't deduct any points if I'm able to understand everything. If the way the author writes doesn't interfere with the story, I'm okay with it. I might dislike it, but I won't deduct points for that. When it comes down to your story, apart from bad paragraphing and long sentences, the way you write also makes it harder to understand. Plus, with all the flowery stuff that you write, nothing happened in the first chapter. Like, the actual info that I need to know can fit in one long paragraph. Everything else is useless.

The fourth thing I want to say. If you aren't Chinese, using Chinese names is a bad decision. Personally, I don't care about this as much as I care about authors using Japanese setting, but it still looks off.

Moreover, you need to know this. When you write on SH, you not only competing with other novels here, on RR, and other sites. You also compete with NovelUpdates, a site that hosts translations of Japanese, Chinese, and Korean novels. It's because NovelUpdates is a mother\sister site to SH, so a lot of SH traffic comes from there. So when you choose a Japanese, Chinese, or Korean setting, you compete with translated works from natives. Apart from me, this probably doesn't bother anyone, well, maybe like 100-200 readers out of tens of thousands, but I wanted to inform you of this anyway.

And that's the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.5-1.75 stars. Very hard to read and comprehend, plus nothing happened in two long chapters. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Niro972]

Hi, would like your opinion on my fantasy novel:

Stones of the Cipher

Since dawn of time, mankind tirelessly sought to harness the colossal power of nature for its benefit. Only after millennials of toil did humanity finally unlock the enigmatic nature of light, embedding it within minerals and crystals. These became instruments for channeling an energy of immense...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi, can you also please provide feedback on my novel? I don't mind criticisms. I can take them as long as I can improve my work. Thank you!

The Transmigrated Heir of the Duke’s Family

Since he was a child, Colin has always been filled with curiosity. One day, after moving to their new home, he discovered a hidden place behind his wardrobe. Eager to find out more, he accidentally unleashed a sleeping Spirit Guardian, went to a different place, and . . . ended up getting his...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2: A Flushing Toilet Is a Must!

This is going to be hard since I have no idea what to say. The reason for that is simple. Your novel is good. Okay, I have to mention that your story isn't my cup of tea. I have no intention to read more. This means I can't say much about the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

It was easy to read and understand. Although your chapters are on a slightly longer side, it was easier to read than some shorter chapters from other novels. Dialogues are okay-good, descriptions are good, and exposition is okay. So nothing I can say here. Personally, didn't notice any mistakes or typos. I don't know if there are any, but I didn't notice a single one.

If I were to look for something, I would probably mention two things. Dialogues tags and too many depictions of action. The first one is really more of a nitpick. You use just a tad bit too many simple tags like he\she said, he\she replied, and similar stuff. But at the same time, this is really a nitpick, as it barely bothers me in your novel. You manage to make those tags almost invincible. So, if you ever decide to change it, you don't need to do anything drastic. Just change one he\she said into some action tag, and you are good to go.

As for depictions of action. This is a bit more hard to explain, and a bit more prevalent. I understand that this is a first-person POV, so this is inevitable, but sometimes it's too much. Here is an example.

The vehicle door on my right side opened and my mom, who was sitting beside me, got out of the car. I followed and looked around, taking in the familiar surroundings as a wave of nostalgia came over me.

I feel like you can condense this, take out some verbs and exchange it for some more descriptions or something. Again, this isn't some major problem and more of a nitpick. However, I think you can benefit if you cut or combine a couple of sentences that depict action.

The last thing I will mention is comedy. If there were any kind of jokes, I totally missed them. Maybe jokes will appear later on? I don't know.

And that's the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.75 stars. Personally, I think your novel has solid writing, so I don't know what else to say. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

No merge. No problem.

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2: A Flushing Toilet Is a Must!

This is going to be hard since I have no idea what to say. The reason for that is simple. Your novel is good. Okay, I have to mention that your story isn't my cup of tea. I have no intention to read more. This means I can't say much about the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems.

It was easy to read and understand. Although your chapters are on a slightly longer side, it was easier to read than some shorter chapters from other novels. Dialogues are okay-good, descriptions are good, and exposition is okay. So nothing I can say here. Personally, didn't notice any mistakes or typos. I don't know if there are any, but I didn't notice a single one.

If I were to look for something, I would probably mention two things. Dialogues tags and too many depictions of action. The first one is really more of a nitpick. You use just a tad bit too many simple tags like he\she said, he\she replied, and similar stuff. But at the same time, this is really a nitpick, as it barely bothers me in your novel. You manage to make those tags almost invincible. So, if you ever decide to change it, you don't need to do anything drastic. Just change one he\she said into some action tag, and you are good to go.

As for depictions of action. This is a bit more hard to explain, and a bit more prevalent. I understand that this is a first-person POV, so this is inevitable, but sometimes it's too much. Here is an example.

The vehicle door on my right side opened and my mom, who was sitting beside me, got out of the car. I followed and looked around, taking in the familiar surroundings as a wave of nostalgia came over me.

I feel like you can condense this, take out some verbs and exchange it for some more descriptions or something. Again, this isn't some major problem and more of a nitpick. However, I think you can benefit if you cut or combine a couple of sentences that depict action.

The last thing I will mention is comedy. If there were any kind of jokes, I totally missed them. Maybe jokes will appear later on? I don't know.

And that's the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.75 stars. Personally, I think your novel has solid writing, so I don't know what else to say. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thank you for taking the time to read and providing your input. I really appreciate it I'll keep them all in mind

About the comedy tag, I was actually contemplating if I should include it because the story's more of a comedic undertone rather than a full-blown comedy. But I still included it anyway just for the heck of it XD I removed it now cause it's not really accurate.

Anyway, thanks again!

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi, would like your opinion on my fantasy novel:

Stones of the Cipher

Since dawn of time, mankind tirelessly sought to harness the colossal power of nature for its benefit. Only after millennials of toil did humanity finally unlock the enigmatic nature of light, embedding it within minerals and crystals. These became instruments for channeling an energy of immense...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter #2

Before I start with my feedback on your story, I want to mention your synopsis. It's all over the place; it is a hodge-podge.

they venture to rescue a princess
they encounter enigmatic machines of advanced technology
a mysterious warrior emerges,
As alliances shift and loyalties are tested, the hero must uncover the truth behind the enigmatic warrior and his companions, as well as the secrets of the castle.

Sooo... Princess and enigmatic machines don't matter? Or what? Why would you mention them, but end your synopsis focusing on a mysterious warrior and his companions? What's the point? Because of this, I have no idea what to expect from your story. I don't know what your novel is about.

Okay, with the synopsis out of the way, I shall talk about the actual story. Your story isn't my cup of tea, plus there are no more chapters to read. This means I can't say much about the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems.

But this time, I want to mention something. You did have some minor problems, but it's not necessarily the characters' problems; I will mention them later on. I wanted to mention your worldbuilding. I like it. Using colors might not be unique or new, but it's fun. Do note that this is my subjective opinion based on two short chapters.

Now let me talk about the problem I mentioned a little while before. It's dialogues. I understand that it's mostly nobles talking, so their speech is a bit more flowery, and so on. HOWEVER, making them indistinguishable not only from one another but from a third-person narrator as well is a bad move.

One more thing that I will use to help me prove and defend my point. Your king doesn't use royal we. I can kinda understand that you wanted to show them as nobles. If you want to do it, be kind enough to go all in, make your King be above nobles, and use the appropriate vocabulary.

But the best course of action, in my opinion, is to change the way you write your dialogues. Right now, even with dialogue tags and names right near the dialogue lines, it's way too easy to get confused about who is talking. Don't forget that you are writing a novel. It's not a script for a tv, a manga, or a game. Readers don't have additional ways of distinguishing who is who. Readers only have text. Sometimes, you need to sacrifice a bit of your style for additional clarity. Well, at least in my opinion.

One more problem is tenses. Please, stick to one tense. I'm not talking about using one tense in every single situation, every dialogue, and so on. I simply ask you not to use past and present interchangeably.

I also noticed one typo. Its towering walls and turrets,all bathed

And that's pretty much it. Not much to say. I don't like your prose, you have tense problems, and your dialogues are so-so. I like the worldbuilding. Overall, I understood everything and it's more or less easy to comprehend. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.75-3 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[SummerSweetTea]

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...

www.scribblehub.com

Full Disclosure: There is a brief same-sex scene in chapter 2 but I haven't tagged the story for it because it doesn't continue beyond that and I'm up in the air on if I even intend to leave it in there.

But, with that knowledge, if you're willing to read anything and give me any feedback, I'd appreciate it. You can share your feedback here directly in the thread.

 

[SailusGebel]

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...

www.scribblehub.com

Full Disclosure: There is a brief same-sex scene in chapter 2 but I haven't tagged the story for it because it doesn't continue beyond that and I'm up in the air on if I even intend to leave it in there.

But, with that knowledge, if you're willing to read anything and give me any feedback, I'd appreciate it. You can share your feedback here directly in the thread.

Thank you for honesty. I will read one chapter and give you my feedback based on it. I will do it either tomorrow or in a few days.

 

[Anon2024]

Poor parents.

 

[SailusGebel]

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...

www.scribblehub.com

Full Disclosure: There is a brief same-sex scene in chapter 2 but I haven't tagged the story for it because it doesn't continue beyond that and I'm up in the air on if I even intend to leave it in there.

But, with that knowledge, if you're willing to read anything and give me any feedback, I'd appreciate it. You can share your feedback here directly in the thread.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1 – Sutton Village

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.

Your story is somewhere in between the C_A_D_M_U_S and Cloudee77 stories. It's because you have two problems similar to Cloudee. Overly long paragraphs and sentences. But at the same time, it's easy to read and comprehend.

I will start with the good parts. Prose, I like it. It's not too flowery, and I didn't notice any mistakes or weird sentences. Dialogues are good, with one exception. Descriptions, exposition, and so on, are all good.

I can't say much about the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems. So another plus.

Overall, the more I read, the easier it was to comprehend your writing. Hard to explain.

The bad parts are well, paragraphing. Although in your case it's a lot easier to understand everything, I would prefer it if you cut some of the longer paragraphs in parts. The reason for that is simple. It's uncomfortable to read long paragraphs on your phone. Same for long sentences, but this is more of a nitpick since I didn't notice a lot of long sentences.

Another downside is the part that starts with, “Do you believe the story?” and ends with, “Thank you! I hope you get to see your daughter soon, I bet she misses you, too.” Amalia said, nodding her head as a goodbye.

I'll be honest when I was reading that part for the first time, I got slightly confused. I know that this sounds like a nitpick, but you used too much "she" there. I would've preferred it if you were to use something like "young woman", "merchant", or some other fitting words.

For example, “Hm,” The merchant considered for a moment before answering. “Not really, I suppose.

There are two more things I want to mention. Your synopsis is lacking. I understand this is a vague statement, but I can't say more. I freaking suck at writing a synopsis, so I won't be able to give advice on how to do it properly(though I can link a guide if you want to). And by the way, by lacking I mean that there is no hook for a reader, or that it's not enough.

The second one is absolutely subjective. I don't like your prologue. I think it's useless. Yeah-yeah, it will probably matter 10, 20, or 100 chapters later, but right now, it actually repels me from reading the story. Again, this is totally subjective, and I might be wrong here. I feel like the prologue is of worse quality than chapter 1.

And that's pretty much it, I don't know what else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.25 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Niro972]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter #2

Before I start with my feedback on your story, I want to mention your synopsis. It's all over the place; it is a hodge-podge.

they venture to rescue a princess
they encounter enigmatic machines of advanced technology
a mysterious warrior emerges,
As alliances shift and loyalties are tested, the hero must uncover the truth behind the enigmatic warrior and his companions, as well as the secrets of the castle.

Sooo... Princess and enigmatic machines don't matter? Or what? Why would you mention them, but end your synopsis focusing on a mysterious warrior and his companions? What's the point? Because of this, I have no idea what to expect from your story. I don't know what your novel is about.

Okay, with the synopsis out of the way, I shall talk about the actual story. Your story isn't my cup of tea, plus there are no more chapters to read. This means I can't say much about the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems.

But this time, I want to mention something. You did have some minor problems, but it's not necessarily the characters' problems; I will mention them later on. I wanted to mention your worldbuilding. I like it. Using colors might not be unique or new, but it's fun. Do note that this is my subjective opinion based on two short chapters.

Now let me talk about the problem I mentioned a little while before. It's dialogues. I understand that it's mostly nobles talking, so their speech is a bit more flowery, and so on. HOWEVER, making them indistinguishable not only from one another but from a third-person narrator as well is a bad move.

One more thing that I will use to help me prove and defend my point. Your king doesn't use royal we. I can kinda understand that you wanted to show them as nobles. If you want to do it, be kind enough to go all in, make your King be above nobles, and use the appropriate vocabulary.

But the best course of action, in my opinion, is to change the way you write your dialogues. Right now, even with dialogue tags and names right near the dialogue lines, it's way too easy to get confused about who is talking. Don't forget that you are writing a novel. It's not a script for a tv, a manga, or a game. Readers don't have additional ways of distinguishing who is who. Readers only have text. Sometimes, you need to sacrifice a bit of your style for additional clarity. Well, at least in my opinion.

One more problem is tenses. Please, stick to one tense. I'm not talking about using one tense in every single situation, every dialogue, and so on. I simply ask you not to use past and present interchangeably.

I also noticed one typo. Its towering walls and turrets,all bathed

And that's pretty much it. Not much to say. I don't like your prose, you have tense problems, and your dialogues are so-so. I like the worldbuilding. Overall, I understood everything and it's more or less easy to comprehend. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.75-3 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thank you very much for the time! I've taken all your feedback into consideration and have already begun making some modifications, particularly with the synopsis which has been completely re-written.

I would like your opinion on my second story if you will:

House of Fun

Determined to rescue a little girl found in a dungeon, three High School baseball teammates unite against a devilish force, engaging in a real-life, modern version of Dungeons & Dragons. To protect her from the sights of horrors that might lay ahead, they decide to carry her blindfolded...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SummerSweetTea]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1 – Sutton Village

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.

Your story is somewhere in between the C_A_D_M_U_S and Cloudee77 stories. It's because you have two problems similar to Cloudee. Overly long paragraphs and sentences. But at the same time, it's easy to read and comprehend.

I will start with the good parts. Prose, I like it. It's not too flowery, and I didn't notice any mistakes or weird sentences. Dialogues are good, with one exception. Descriptions, exposition, and so on, are all good.

I can't say much about the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems. So another plus.

Overall, the more I read, the easier it was to comprehend your writing. Hard to explain.

The bad parts are well, paragraphing. Although in your case it's a lot easier to understand everything, I would prefer it if you cut some of the longer paragraphs in parts. The reason for that is simple. It's uncomfortable to read long paragraphs on your phone. Same for long sentences, but this is more of a nitpick since I didn't notice a lot of long sentences.

Another downside is the part that starts with, “Do you believe the story?” and ends with, “Thank you! I hope you get to see your daughter soon, I bet she misses you, too.” Amalia said, nodding her head as a goodbye.

I'll be honest when I was reading that part for the first time, I got slightly confused. I know that this sounds like a nitpick, but you used too much "she" there. I would've preferred it if you were to use something like "young woman", "merchant", or some other fitting words.

For example, “Hm,” The merchant considered for a moment before answering. “Not really, I suppose.

There are two more things I want to mention. Your synopsis is lacking. I understand this is a vague statement, but I can't say more. I freaking suck at writing a synopsis, so I won't be able to give advice on how to do it properly(though I can link a guide if you want to). And by the way, by lacking I mean that there is no hook for a reader, or that it's not enough.

The second one is absolutely subjective. I don't like your prologue. I think it's useless. Yeah-yeah, it will probably matter 10, 20, or 100 chapters later, but right now, it actually repels me from reading the story. Again, this is totally subjective, and I might be wrong here. I feel like the prologue is of worse quality than chapter 1.

And that's pretty much it, I don't know what else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.25 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

I 100% agree with you on the synopsis. I stared at that page for like 30 minutes, totally blank lol I realized I am terrible at summaries.

I'm conflicted on the Prologue and it's relevancy but I won't argue that it isn't as well written or fleshed out as Chapter 1.

I understand the long paragraphs on a phone thing. It wasn't written with reading it on a phone in mind so I've never viewed it in that format. I wrote it on my laptop in Word so it definitely looks different that way.

Thank you for bringing my attention to that part of the dialog, I'll look at it again. I agree it gets confusing when everyone is just "she". Which she? Lol

I didn't know multiple chapters flagged you as spam, I sort of figured it would be the total opposite... as in, seeing a story with several chapters already up would be more attractive because if you liked it, you wouldn't have to wait. I have about 13 chapters done but I will stagger the uploads.